No choice but to wait? Kari thought she might explode from the way her heart swelled within her. All this time ... all this time Ryan had cared about her as more than a friend? He really had wanted to date her? It was more than she dared dream, even in the secret places of her heart. Before she could give his feelings 197 further thought, he brought his lips to hers and kissed her in a way that made time stand still.
The moment lasted forever as he kissed her again and again, soothing away any doubts. Certainly whatever issues they hadn"t resolved between them would all work out in the long run.
Or at least it seemed that way back then.
Ryan killed the engine, and the memories fled. Kari watched him drop anchor and gather up the fishing equipment, appreciating again how much he"d grown and matured since those days when they"d been inseparable.
If only we"d stayed that way ...
Kari blinked back the thought. She could let her memories go only so far.
Thinking about him like that now, in the present, couldn"t possibly help her-not when Tim was finally ready to talk. Or so he said ...
She shook off the niggling doubts and pointed to the fishing poles. "Which one"s mine?"
He handed her a slim fibergla.s.s rod, and they moved out from under the canopy to the back of the boat. "Okay." He opened the box of lures. "Let"s see if the fish in Lake Monroe bite when the water"s cold."
The air between them was easy, and Kari wasn"t surprised. :!"!They sat side by side fixing their lines, then casting them out behind the boat.
Minutes pa.s.sed while they satin silence, working their reels. Then, without saying a word, Ryan reached out his free hand and quietly worked his fingers between hers. The touch of his skin was electrifying, and she couldn"t speak, could barely think. Everything in her knew she should break free, find some excuse to change seats or distract him from making contact again.
But in that moment she was carried back to another place and 198 time, back to the days when sitting together this way was as easy as breathing.
What am I doing, Lord?
The wind chimes of uncertainty played softly in her mind. She closed her eyes, and nothing else mattered-not her convictions or her confusion or her questions.
Because then and there, alone on a lake they both loved, hand in hand with Ryan the way they hadn"t been for years, Kari was sure that nothing could have made her pull away.
Not even G.o.d.
199.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN.
they tried to pretend the attraction wasn"t back, but despite their talk of fish and lake water and proper lures, they couldn"t deny the feelings between them.
Kari laughed when Ryan reeled in an old sock early in the day, and later she helped him land a king-size ba.s.s that nearly broke his line.
The cold temperatures and icy water didn"t matter. In Ryan Taylor"s presence, Kari felt warmer than she had in weeks. When they fell silent, the s.p.a.ce between them was quietly inviting, as it had always been.
Kari gazed out at the lake and remembered the golden weeks they"d spent together after that first kiss in the underground parking lot. After they finally admitted their feelings for each other there had been no turning back. The two of them were together every moment, and three weeks later Kari"s parents made their doubts known. She was seventeen by then, Ryan nineteen. Her parents thought she was too young to be so serious.
"We love each other." Kari shrugged, making eye contact with her parents, pleading with them to understand. "Maybe we always have."
200 Her mother leaned forward, her voice kind and firm. "We believe you, dear, but that doesn"t change the fact that you"re just seventeen. You both have so much ahead of you. We don"t want you to get hurt."
Kari had crossed the room and hugged them both. Her parents" concern made her feel loved and protected, but it did nothing to change her feelings for Ryan.
"I"ll be careful. I promise."
With every pa.s.sing day the connection between them grew. They took walks along the icy lakesh.o.r.e and went ice-skating at the park. They cuddled in his truck at the drive-in movies and tried to pretend time wasn"t running out. The night before Ryan went back to college they made plans to see a movie, but the moment Kari climbed into the truck, they began kissing.
"Lake Monroe?"
Kari pulled away, breathless, and nodded. She needed no words. They parked in a remote spot overlooking the lake and talked about what would happen next.
"I don"t want to go back. Not now, not ever." Ryan took her hands in his and looked deep into her eyes. "Football used to mean the world to me, Kari, and now it"s just a silly game. All I want is you."
The air was cold and dark outside, and a delicious, dangerous electricity filled the s.p.a.ces between them. "I wish I could go with you." Kari slid across the bench seat and laid her head on his shoulder. He was breathing hard, and the sensation of his nearness caused feelings in her she hadn"t felt before.
Her parents didn"t expected her home for two hours, and before either of them knew what was happening they were kissing again, taking in all they could about each other, pushing the limits in a way they hadn"t before. Finally Ryan eased himself away from her. He looked straight ahead and gripped the steering wheel.
"We can"t ..."
Kari ached with feelings she knew were forbidden. She tried to steady her heartbeat. "I know."
201 "I can"t believe I"m leaving tomorrow." He gazed at her by the light of the moon, his eyes filled with pa.s.sion. "I need you, Kari."
They"d never run out of things to talk about before. But that night, sitting in his truck, they agreed that no amount of conversation could ease the temptation they both felt. And nothing they might talk about could take away the pain of goodbye.
They went home early, and Ryan parked in front of Kari"s house. "Have you ever wanted to run away? Just forget about the things people expect of you?"
She studied him, unwilling to let go now that their hearts were bound so completely. "I wish you didn"t have to leave."
He kissed her one last time and whispered into her hair words she remembered to this day. "Wait for me, Kari girl. Please." She couldn"t speak, couldn"t answer him. Instead, she nodded and quickly climbed out of the truck. When she waved goodbye they were both crying.
For the next five months they spoke on the phone several times a week, biding their time until summer vacation. From the moment he attended her graduation that May, they were inseparable-boating on the lake, day camping on the sh.o.r.e, playing Frisbee and Ping-Pong and H-O-R-S-E, and living each hour as if it might be their last.
Intensely aware of the electricity between them, they came up with the idea of a Pa.s.sion Patrol and took turns being on duty. One weekend she"d be in charge of making sure they got home without incident; another weekend it was his turn.
Though their feelings for each other grew with each date, so did their determination to wait. For her, it had been a matter of her faith. For him, it was more a respect for her and a determination to help her honor her convictions.
But Ryan often attended church with her as well, and halfway through that summer she was surprised when he answered an altar call and accepted Christ as his Savior.
"Guess all those years of youth group paid off." He grinned at Kari after the service. "I don"t know why I waited so long."
202 She was thrilled, believing nothing could separate them now that he was a believer. For a brief instant she wondered if his decision wasn"t a bit too convenient, more about pleasing her than G.o.d. Even so, she couldn"t wait to share the news with her parents. "See," she told them that night, "I knew he"d get there one day."
After they parted in August, they spent each day wondering how they"d survive being apart until Christmas.
Kari started college at Indiana University and buried herself in schoolwork and her first modeling jobs, while Ryan took his emptiness out on the football field. That fall he averaged more yards per catch than any of his teammates, and by midseason he was on course to break several school records. More often than not, the weekly write-up on the team included his name.
It was about that time that Kari first began to sense a change in him. His letters and phone calls were briefer. He talked more about what he was doing and less about what they would do together.
Then, toward the end of the season, Kari and Brooke flew out to Oklahoma to watch Ryan play and meet some of his teammates. He was obviously glad to see her, but he was just as obviously caught up in how many yards he"d gotten and how many he"d get the next game. He spoke about little but opposing defenses and pa.s.sing routes and offensive strategies. He took her to parties where he and his friends were so caught up in football talk that he had almost no time alone with her.
It was on that trip that Kari realized what was happening. First place in Ryan"s life no longer belonged to her. It belonged to football.
"You"re really serious about this, aren"t you?" Her question came late that Sat.u.r.day night as he said good night outside the hotel room she was sharing with Brooke.
Ryan shrugged, and she saw the answer in his eyes. "When I"m out there, running plays, catching pa.s.ses-" His eyes drifted heavenward, and he shook his head. "I don"t know ... it"s like I"m the wind, and nothing can stop me."
The next year was more or less the same. Fewer phone calls, 203 shorter visits home. When he did make it to Indiana, they still attended church together, still promised their love to each other. Still talked about sharing a future together. But the talk grew more and more vague.
By the spring of his senior year, Ryan"s letters had all but stopped, though he still called occasionally and his mother kept her posted in the meantime. By that time, the ache of missing him had softened to a kind of wistful loneliness.
Kari studied hard, kept herself busy, even went on occasional dates with friends-but she always made it clear she was waiting for Ryan.
Whenever he was ready to be serious about their relationship. In May of his senior year, he told her he wouldn"t be coming home for the summer. He was scheduled to try out at several NFL camps, and he had decided he could stay more focused between tryouts by staying in Norman.
"You watch," he told her on the phone, "I"m gonna get drafted. Coach is sure of it."
Then, in late July, she was chopping vegetables for soup when the phone rang.
"Kari, you won"t believe it!" Ryan was breathless on the other end. There was static in the background, and she guessed he was at a pay phone. "They offered me a contract!"
Her pulse quickened. "Who? What do you mean?" It had been a month since he"d last called, and she wasn"t sure what city he was in, let alone what he was excited about.
"The Cowboys." He let out a hoot that echoed in her ears. "Can you believe it?"
"That"s great." Kari wasn"t sure how to respond. "What happens now?"
"I join them for summer training. Then in fall I move to Dallas. Preseason starts in late August."
A dozen questions banged about in her head. What about us, Ryan? Where do I fit in? Haven"t I been patient? Haven"t we waited long enough? She swallowed all of them. "Congratulations."
204 Her voice was as upbeat as she could make it. "Are you coming home first?"
"There"s no time." He was silent a moment. "Training camp begins first thing tomorrow."
A chilly breeze pulled her from the memory, and she tightened her jacket more closely around herself. Ryan glanced at her. "What"re you thinking?"
She smiled. "About yesterday."
"Yesterday?" He was still holding her hand, and he slid closer to her on the bench. The warmth of his body worked its way through her, and she knew she couldn"t pull away if she wanted to. "You look cold."
"Mmm. Yeah, I guess."
He gazed out at his fishing line. "How many yesterdays ago?" "A few."
"Yes." His eyes narrowed. "I"ve done that a lot myself lately." Kari dug her elbows into her knees and propped her chin on her hands. "We had our chances."
Ryan reeled in his line and cast it again at another angle. "Why was I so stupid? Lots of guys were married and doing great for the Cowboys." He stared at her, his eyes a deeper green than the lake water. "What was I thinking?"
"I don"t know."
She hadn"t really wanted to venture into this conversation, but clearly it was at the front of both their minds. An eagle soared above the treetops across the lake, and Kari closed her eyes. Something her father told her before Ryan"s graduation echoed in her mind. A dozen guys at the university would give their right arm to take you out. If Ryan wanted a serious relationship, you"d know it by now.
Kari opened her eyes and took a drink from her water bottle. Despite her best intentions that this day be nothing more than a diversion on the path to reuniting with Tim, she leaned closer into Ryan"s shoulder. Her father had been right. What had happened during Ryan"s time with the Cowboys was better left in 205 the past. The accident, the girl -obviously, G.o.d had never intended Kari and Ryan to be together.
Ryan released her hand and reeled in another catch.
"I haven"t even caught a sock," she complained. They both laughed, and she helped him secure the flopping fish. "It must be your day."
His hand came over hers as they steadied the line. He caught her eye. "It is."
Her heart swelled, and she looked away, suddenly shy. They said little for another hour, and when Ryan had his limit, they boated back to the dock. Kari helped him cut and clean the fish at an outdoor sink near the beach, and together they built a fire in a pit on the sh.o.r.e. "You didn"t know we were catching dinner, did you?" She smiled. "I guessed."
He grabbed his backpack and two beach chairs from the back of his truck and set the chairs up near the firepit. From inside his pack he pulled out utensils and plates, everything they needed for a fish fry. Once the fire was started in the pit, he snagged a Frisbee from his backpack. They played for half an hour and then sat side by side while he cooked the fish. When they were finished eating, Ryan stood and held a hand out to her. "Walk with me?"
The temperatures were falling fast and it was dark, but Kari knew she had no choice. She was seventeen again, crazy in love with Ryan Taylor and wondering how she"d ever found the strength on that fall day to walk away from him.
He kept hold of her hand as they made their way to the sh.o.r.e. Long minutes pa.s.sed before he stopped and took her shoulders, searching her eyes by the light of a crescent moon. "May I tell you something?"
She couldn"t find her voice, so she nodded, her gaze locked on his.
"It wasn"t fair what you did to me after the accident."
Kari was thankful for the cover of night. Otherwise he would have seen the way the blood left her face. "What I did?" How could he"Just leaving like that. You never even came in to see me."
206 She moved back a step, and her hands fell to her sides. "You asked me to wait for you, but you promised me nothing, Ryan. You didn"t owe me an explanation. I only wished you would have told me about her before-"
"About who?" Ryan took a step forward and once more placed his hands on her shoulders. "I loved you, Kari." He shook his head, and tears glistened in his eyes. "I know it"s too late. No matter what your marriage looks like, you ...
you love him. But I wanted you to know how I felt."
Her eyes flooded, and she swallowed a lump in her throat. The determination she"d felt days ago to resist temptation, to remember she was a married woman, was fading like a springtime tulip. Her father was right-she shouldn"t have come. "You ... you had a girlfriend in the hospital room, Ryan. What was I supposed to think?"
He opened his mouth to say something, but then stopped. Peace filled his features, and he took her hand once more. "It"s cold. Let"s go sit by the fire."
They walked a few steps, his fingers fitting between hers in a way that was so familiar it scared her. "I think we have some talking to do."