OF course men admire a circ.u.mspect woman above all things, but they seldom invite her out to supper.
NOTHING bores a man worse than the devotion of the girl before the last.
IT"S rather sad to see how easily a man gets "that tired feeling" after a love affair has become a bit stale.
A MAN may send you a gold-handled umbrella with your monogram on it in diamonds and mean nothing but good-fellowship, but if he offers to put it up and carry it over you for fear the mist will spoil your feathers you may be sure he"s in love.
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LOVE letters lead to all sorts of complications, but post cards tell no tales.
ASKING a girl if you may kiss her before doing it is an insulting way of laying all the responsibility on her.
A MARRIED man thinks that if he concedes to smooth his top hair and carry a cane he is sufficiently dressy to go out anywhere with his wife.
BRIDEGROOMS have that sheepish look because every one of them is morally certain that he is a lamb being led to the slaughter.
A WIFE sort of loses her awe and admiration for men after she has seen her husband without a collar and with his face covered with shaving lather and his top hair sticking up in tufts.
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A MAN seldom discovers that he hasn"t married his affinity until his wife begins to get crow"s-feet around the eyes.
IF YOU want to be really popular pat a bald man on the head; call an old man "naughty boy"; treat a young man with timid respect; cling to a little man like the vine to the mighty oak, and tell a fat man how you love to dance with him.
THE man who declares a friend innocent even when he knows he is guilty, and defends a woman"s reputation even when it is scarcely worth defending, is not written down a liar by the recording angel.
ODD how a man always gets remorse confused with reform; a cold bath, a dose of bromo-selzer, and his wife"s forgiveness will make him feel so moral that he will begin to patronize you.
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IT"S as hard to get a man to stay home after you"ve married him as it was to get him to go home before you married him.
A MAN hates emotions; when a girl pours her heart out to him he feels as if she has emptied the warm water jug or the mola.s.ses cruet over him.
A WOMAN will lie to anybody else on earth sooner than to the man she loves; but a man will lie to the woman he loves sooner than to anybody else on earth.
MATRIMONY is a bargain--and somebody has got to get the worst of the bargain.
THE most uncomfortable thing about being married is that you can never tell whether your friends are envying you or pitying you.
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ALL a man asks for in the love-game is beginner"s luck.
POKER and love are both games of bluff.
A MAN has so many more temptations than a woman--because he knows where to go and find them.
A MAN will sit on the edge of the bed, holding one shoe in his hand and gazing into s.p.a.ce for half an hour, and then send the cook into hysterics and the waitress into nervous prostration because he has only ten minutes left in which to eat his breakfast.
MOST bridal couples pile enough honey into the first month of matrimony to last a whole lifetime if thinned out and spread on economically.
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WONDER if Adam ever scolded Eve for her extravagance in fig leaves.
A BABY"S kisses taste of stale milk, a boy"s of jam, a young man"s of cigarettes and a husband"s of c.o.c.ktails.
OF course people can"t carry their party manners into marriage; but if they could, marriage would be more like a party and less like a prize fight.
SOME marriages of convenience turn out to be about the most inconvenient things that could possibly have happened.
WHEN perfect frankness comes in at the door love flies out of the window.
MIGHT as well hail a Broadway car on the wrong side of the street as to hail a man on the wrong side of his vanity.
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DIVORCE is getting to be as painless as dentistry. Two people pack each other"s trunks, genially shake hands farewell, wish each other luck, and then go off to Europe while the lawyers fight it out.
A MAN forgets all about how to make love after ten years of matrimony; but it"s wonderful how quickly he can get into practice again after his wife dies.
DON"T flatter yourself because he calls every Sunday evening that it is a sign that he"s getting serious. It may only be a sign that everything else is closed.
NO doubt when a man puts his cheek against a girl"s he always imagines that it feels as smooth as hers does.
GETTING married is so easy that most men are suspicious of it.
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A MOTHER-IN-LAW may be the serpent in the Garden of Eden; but if it hadn"t been for the serpent whom would Adam have had to blame for all his troubles?
WHEN two people marry they "lock their hearts together and throw away the key;" then they begin looking around for some old legal nail to pick the lock with.
LUCK in love consists in getting not the person you want, but the person who wants you. If you don"t believe it try being married to somebody who is not in love with you.
A MAN"S idea of an engagement is a chance to find out whether or not he really enjoys kissing that particular girl.
IT"S not his understanding of the plot of the opera that makes a man appreciate it, but the "understanding" of the chorus ladies.
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A MAN thinks that by marrying a woman he proves he loves her, and that therefore nothing more need ever be said about it.
THE average man looks on matrimony as a hitching post where he can tie a woman and leave her until he comes home nights.
THERE is nothing so uninteresting to a a man as a contentedly married woman.