IN tragic moments we think of trifles; no doubt a girl who is being run down by an automobile stops to thank heaven that there are no holes in her stockings and a man that there are no incriminating letters in his pockets.
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A MONTH of poker parties and summer girls can make a married man as anxious to get his wife back home again as a diet of champagne and ice cream would make him for a square meal of roast beef and baked potatoes.
BETWEEN lovers a little confession is a dangerous thing.
CALL a woman weak-minded and a man will wonder if you aren"t jealous of her; but call her strong-minded and he will take your word without stopping to investigate.
THE wife who insists on being useful instead of concentrating on being beautiful and amusing will soon find herself relegated to the shelf like a medicine bottle, instead of being kept near at hand like a wine bottle.
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THAT sad, patient smile one sees on the face of a married woman may not come so much from heart-hunger as from a daily effort to listen to her husband"s latest joke at the same time that she pacifies the cook, soothes the baby and looks for his lost collar b.u.t.ton.
HOPE springs eternal in the feminine breast as long as a woman has ambition enough to continue to curl her hair, and in the masculine breast as long as a man has self-respect enough to keep on shaving his chin.
THE things a man wants in a sweetheart are no more like those he wants in a wife than the things he wants for breakfast are like those he wants for dinner; yet he never seems to despair of warming over the light menu and making it do for a regular diet.
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WHY is a woman always so jealous of her husband"s stenographer when his real affinity is just as likely to be somebody else"s stenographer?
IT IS not a man"s morals but the manners that make him comfortable or otherwise to live with. A burglar or an embezzler can make his wife fairly happy if he will be prompt to dinner, agreeable at breakfast and will put up the portieres with a pleasant smile.
NOTHING makes a woman so green with envy and mortification as her husband"s ability to turn over and snore five minutes after they have had an exciting quarrel.
OLD love, like old lamps, is apt to burn low and fitfully; it takes a new heart interest now and then to keep up the glow of life.
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THE balance of power in the family usually goes to the husband or wife who has the largest balance in the bank.
AMONG a man"s sweethearts the first shall never be last, and the last can always be sure that she isn"t the first.
THE larger a man"s girth the more expensive his flirtations; nothing but orchids and grand opera tickets can make a girl forget real embonpoint long enough to be sentimental.
MEN don"t talk about one another as women do--perhaps because they find it so much more interesting to talk about themselves.
A FRANK husband and a kodak fiend teach a woman that truth is indeed stranger and more terrible than fiction.
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ONE touch of highball makes the whole world spin.
A MAN"S sense of honor is so peculiar that it gets out of working condition the minute he comes near a pretty woman.
THE man who kisses a woman at the first opportunity is either a fool or a cad; the man who waits for the second opportunity is a philosopher; the man who waits for the third opportunity is a speculator; and the man who waits any longer is--a freak.
THE girl who has entertained her fiance every evening for a three years"
engagement may console herself with the hope that she won"t be liable to see so much of him after marriage.
"TIS best for a man to be square, but a woman is more lucky to be round.
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WHEN a man has waked up the whole family and half the neighborhood flinging empty beer bottles at a cat on the back fence he feels so refreshed that he can go right back to sleep and snore straight through a fire or a thunderstorm.
IN the face of a man"s childlike vanity it is so difficult for a girl to decide to be ready when he arrives and thereby look as though she had been waiting for him, or to keep him waiting and look as though she had been primping for him.
A MAN will tell his troubles first to his G.o.d, next to his lawyer, then to his valet, and lastly--to his wife.
A LITTLE "absent treatment" now and then is the best tonic for conjugal love; an ounce of summer vacation is worth a pound of divorce.
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IT may cause a man sincere regret to get into a foolish flirtation, but the only thing that causes him real downright repentance is not to be able to get out of it.
TO fascinate an intelligent man pretend to be silly; to attract a good man pretend to be naughty; to win a fool pretend to be clever; and to charm the devil pretend to be a saint.
A GIRL loves to spell her soul out on paper, but a man can"t see the use of writing a love-letter when he can compress his whole pa.s.sion into one paragraph on a post card.
IT is a sad fact that two people who go into matrimony with the n.o.ble idea of sharing one another"s joys and ambitions so often end by sharing nothing but one another"s towels and brushes and grouches.
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A MODERN love affair is something like English plum pudding: it contains very little spice and sweetness and is mostly a matter of "dough."
A FLIRT and his conscience are soon parted.
A MAN"S idea of constancy is being perfectly devoted to some woman who is either dead or too indifferent to demand anything of him.
THE whole art of winning at either cards or love consists in keeping a level head and not taking the game seriously; but, alas--when a man is playing for money and a woman for matrimony they are bound to take it seriously.
WHEN mothers-in-law come in at the door love flies out at the window.
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A CLEVER woman can sometimes make a fool of a man, but it takes a fluffy little thing with a baby face and no brains or morals to speak of to make him make a fool of himself.
FAINT praise ne"er won fair lady.
GOING through life without love is like going through a good dinner without an appet.i.te--everything seems so flat and tasteless.
IT is most provoking to a woman who is winning in a quarrel to have a man suddenly turn round and take the argument right out of her mouth--with a kiss.
WHERE do all of the lost hearts go? Well, most of the masculine ones go "down where the Wurzburger flows."
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