THERE is no pity on earth so heartfelt as that with which the bachelor and the newly-married man regard one another.
LOVE is a delirious spin in an automobile, marriage the accident of which you are always in danger.
A WOMAN can get so used to that sort of thing that she would feel almost neglected if some day her husband should fail to offer up the usual morning and evening growl.
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A WOMAN will go on a starvation diet and have herself skinned alive in order to retain her husband"s admiration; but a man considers himself a martyr if he resists a boiled onion.
THE sentiment a society woman wastes in baby-talk to her dog and the money a society man wastes on gasoline for his automobile would keep half a dozen babies in love and milk.
A CYNIC can always find flaws in a woman and weeds in a rose garden.
THE lower a man"s forehead, the higher his collar.
NO matter how much a man dislikes children before marriage, after marriage he always imagines that he is going to improve on the human race.
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A GIRL"S idea of a proposal of marriage is so different from any she ever gets, that, even after she is married she often wonders how it happened.
VENUS may have been the most popular lady of her time; but it takes a clever huntress, like Diana, to get any attention nowadays.
NOTHING makes a woman feel so old as watching the bald spot daily increase on the top of her husband"s head.
LOVE is not really blind, it is only nearsighted; and marriage is the optician that furnishes it with a strong pair of lenses, warranted to dispel all illusions and make defects perfectly clear.
WHOM the G.o.ds wish to destroy they first infatuate with a chorus girl.
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A WISE jilt wears his scalp beneath his waistcoat, and a wise girl keeps her mittens carefully hidden; only a savage or a fool flaunts the trophies of the love-chase.
c.o.c.k ROBIN isn"t the only chap who ever promised to feed a girl on jelly-cake and wine when he knew perfectly well that the moment they were married she would have to go out and grub for worms.
PATCHING up a shattered love-affair is as foolish as trying to mend cobwebs.
MATRIMONY is a see-saw; and the secret of happiness lies in keeping yourself so carefully balanced that you neither fly into the air nor come down with a sickening thud.
THE softer a man"s head, the louder his socks.
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FROM the latest divorce cases it appears that as soon as a married couple get rich enough to keep two automobiles they at once begin to travel separate roads.
DON"T think your husband has ceased to love you merely because he has begun to lie to you; it"s when he stops taking the trouble to whitewash himself that you have real grounds for that suspicion.
MANY a woman thinks she has married a hero until she tries to get him to go out and reason with the janitor.
A GOOD husband may be the "salt of the earth," but he often seems more like the pepper.
THE trouble with the marriage tie is that it"s so tight that most people get tangled up or frazzled out trying to loosen it.
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WHEN a young man rails at marriage, listen for the wedding bells; a confirmed bachelor is too indifferent on the subject to be bitter about it.
A MAN doesn"t think he has had a good time unless he has a headache the next morning.
THERE is no such thing as a confirmed bachelor in the countries where harems are fashionable.
IT isn"t tying himself to one woman that a man dreads when he thinks of marrying; it"s separating himself from all the others.
WHAT a man considers his "personal distinction," and a girl refers to as his "charming personality," is often nothing more than a good tailor and a smart haberdasher.
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BEING good is merely keeping up with the styles; what was immoral ten years ago is only fashionable now, and what is shocking now will be only fashionable ten years hence.
WONDER how many wives have been awakened from love"s young dream by a snore.
IT"S the men who are least particular about their own morals who are the most particular about a woman"s; if Satan should come up here seeking a wife, he would probably demand an angel with gilt wings instead of a nice congenial little devil.
APPEALING to a man"s sense of humor when he has just lathered his face for shaving, is about as effective as appealing to a cat"s sense of honor when she sees a chance to steal the milk.
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A MAN loses his illusions first, his teeth second and his follies last.
SOMEHOW, the wagon a woman hitches to a star always turns out a baby carriage.
A GOOD lie in time saves nine poor ones next morning.
WHEN a girl refuses a man his chagrin is always tempered by his astonishment that she could be so blind to her own good fortune.
THE troublesome part of love and everything nice is that it always must end; but then that"s the _nice_ part of matrimony and everything troublesome.
THAT old saw about marrying a man to get rid of him isn"t a joke. It"s the best way.
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ABSENCE may make the heart grow fonder, but it is more likely to make the head grow steadier; there is nothing like total abstinence to cure you of "that dizzy feeling" that comes from either love or c.o.c.ktails.
BY THE awkwardness with which some men make love, you would fancy they had learned how in a correspondence school.
AS lovers men are inclined to be general pract.i.tioners rather than specialists.
IT MAY be possible to patch up a wornout love affair, but the darned places will always rub even if they don"t show.