I should never have loved. I wasn"t meant to love or be loved. This was a lesson I should have learned by now.
I wanted the numbness to spread, but it was fading. Loss engulfed me.
If only I"d never known how it felt to believe I was special to someone else.
Mase reappeared, and he was holding his duffel in his hand. He walked toward the door without looking at me but stopped just before he got there. His eyes closed tightly, and he let out an unsteady breath. "I"m sorry," was all he said.
Then he walked to the door and opened it. With one more long pause, he stood there. I waited for him to walk away and leave me here alone. Again.
"When you realize what you"ve said and what you"ve done, call me. I"ll be waiting. I want to hold you more than anything right now and help you get through this, but you won"t let me near you. So I"m going to do what you want, because I can"t fix everything for you. This time, you have to do it yourself. But when it sinks in that you were wrong, call me, Reese. I"ll be waiting. I"ll wait forever if I have to."
Then Mase Manning walked out of my door and out of my life.
Mase.
When the door had closed behind me, I dropped my bag and bent over, bracing my hands on my knees to suck in air. Reminding myself that she had to work through this was hard. Leaving her . . . Oh, G.o.d, I couldn"t just f.u.c.king leave her. She was in a G.o.dd.a.m.n corner looking completely destroyed, and I didn"t know why.
Each breath hurt. The tightness in my chest was like a vise grip on my lungs. My heart was in that apartment. Walking away without it seemed impossible. But if I was going to get a chance at a future with Reese, she had to let me in. The past haunted her. It was controlling her. That motherf.u.c.king low-life sc.u.m had done this to her. I"d thought I could hold her through it all and give her so much love she"d overcome it. But those demons were there in her eyes.
All I was doing was helping her pretend they weren"t there. I wasn"t helping her destroy them and overcome them. My love wasn"t enough. I wanted it to be. G.o.d, I wanted it to be enough. But she needed to find the strength inside herself.
When she did, she could accept that I loved her. That I adored her. That I wanted her and all the s.h.i.t in her past. I wanted everything.
Standing up, I winced at the pain.
I didn"t walk to my truck. Instead, I went to Jimmy"s apartment. I couldn"t leave her without knowing someone was watching over her. When she needed me to rescue her, someone had to call me. I knew she never would.
She might not want me, but I"d be d.a.m.ned if I"d let her need me.
Knocking on Jimmy"s door, I tried to take a deep breath. But I couldn"t.
The door swung open, and his smile immediately turned into a frown. "Mase?"
He had been expecting someone else. I didn"t really want to think about that, considering he was wearing a pair of red silk pajama pants and his chest was bare and oiled.
"She wants me to leave. No, she ordered me to leave," I corrected myself. "But I need you to call me if she needs anything. Don"t let her suffer. She may think she doesn"t want me, but I"ll drop anything to get to her."
Jimmy sagged against the door. He looked let-down. "Well, s.h.i.t. What is in that girl"s head? She"s crazy about you."
It was her past. Those f.u.c.king demons in her memory. But I couldn"t tell him that.
"She needs me, you call me. I"ll be here."
He nodded.
I gripped the handle of my bag and fought back the emotion. This was it. I was really leaving her. "Watch over her. Make sure she"s safe and locked in at night. Don"t let her walk to work. Don"t let her walk home, either. Keep her safe for me. Please." I was begging him. But at this point, I"d beg anyone.
Tears filled his eyes. "s.h.i.t. That girl," he shook his head. "She"s got something in her past she"s hiding, but it"s dark. I"ve seen it in her eyes. She"ll call you. She loves you."
I hoped to G.o.d he was right. "When I"m gone, she"ll need someone. Be that someone."
He wiped at his tears, then nodded. "I will."
"Thanks."
I headed back to the stairs and my truck.
I tossed my bag onto the backseat but paused before I got inside. I couldn"t leave without telling her.
I stalked back to her door with a purpose and knocked. She didn"t come, but I waited.
"Reese. I know you hear me," I said through the door.
I knocked again, but she didn"t answer.
"I"m leaving. You want me to go, so I"ll go. But know that I love you. I will love you the rest of my life. If you don"t call me, I will still be there in Texas loving you."
I waited, but she never came to the door.
After several minutes, I knew she wasn"t coming. She was going to let me do this.
Unable to stop myself, I banged on the door with my fist one more time and yelled as loudly as I could, "I love you, Reese Ellis! I love you so f.u.c.king much!"
I heard a door open next door, but I didn"t look at whoever it was. I waited outside her door, hoping she"d open it.
But she didn"t.
Reese.
Nine weeks later.
I opened my door to find Jimmy on the other side. He had a cappuccino in each hand. Once that was a comforting sight. Nothing comforted me anymore. The nightmares from my past were back with a vengeance. I rarely slept anymore. Cappuccino in the morning and coffee in a mug in the afternoon were the only way I made it through work every day.
"Ready, sunshine?" he asked.
I nodded and grabbed my backpack. "Yeah," I replied, taking the cup he offered me.
"I hate you. I want your skin. It"s not fair you get so tanned," he complained.
"I work out in the sun. Of course I"m going to get tanned," I reminded him, rolling my eyes. He whined about my tan at least twice a week.
"Tanning and watching hot men swing clubs. I"m working in the wrong department," he said with a huff.
We both knew that Darla wouldn"t let him work on the golf course at the Kerrington Club. Jimmy had a face women loved. He worked as a server, and the women came in droves to flirt with him and tip him well. On the course, he wouldn"t be as popular. There were several women who golfed but not many. The majority played tennis. The men dominated the golf course.
"It"s hot out there, and the men are all dressed in shorts and polo shirts. It"s not exactly s.e.xy attire. You aren"t missing out on anything."
Jimmy opened his car door and rolled his eyes at me. "Girl, I"ve seen Rush Finlay"s hot a.s.s in shorts and a polo, and it"s enough for me to pour ice water down my pants."
"G.o.d! Jimmy!" I couldn"t help but laugh, but honestly, he could be so descriptive.
I sank down into the pa.s.senger seat, put my backpack on the floor, and set my coffee in the cupholder so I could buckle up. Riding with Jimmy to and from work was easier now that we worked at the same place. Jimmy had arranged it so that our schedules matched every week.
"Keeping it real, babe," he replied, as he climbed inside.
Sometimes Jimmy keeping it real was him just wanting to make me laugh. Only recently had he been able to accomplish that, and it wasn"t often. But I would give him one thing: since the moment Mase Manning had walked out of my life, Jimmy had been my shadow.
I couldn"t go anywhere without checking in with him. He panicked if he didn"t know where I was, and he always stayed late with me. For a while, he would sit and hold my hand while I went to sleep at night. He never mentioned it, but I knew he was trying to take the place of my nightly phone calls. The ones I didn"t have anymore.
I had quit my cleaning job with the Carters simply because I couldn"t see anyone who reminded me of Mase, and there was the chance that he"d turn up anytime for a visit. I wasn"t sure how I"d handle that. I also told Blaire Finlay that I couldn"t clean for her. The Finlays also reminded me of Mase.
Once I was jobless, Jimmy offered to get me work as a cart girl on the country club"s golf course. I had told him about my dyslexia then, and he had helped me fill out the application. When he had asked me if I wanted to read to him at night, I had broken down and closed myself up in my room. He didn"t have to ask to figure out why. He was a smart guy.
Now he asked me, "Thad still coming a lot during your shifts?"
I sighed and laid my head back against the seat. "Thad just golfs a lot. He"s not only coming during my shifts."
Jimmy let out an amused laugh. "Keep telling yourself that, chick. But blondie doesn"t golf unless he"s with Woods or Grant. It isn"t something I ever saw him do by himself. Until you put on that little outfit and started pa.s.sing out beers."
I didn"t want to think about Thad coming to see me. I didn"t want anyone coming to see me. Not that way.
I love you, Reese Ellis!
That broken cry that had been so loud my neighbors heard it was all that took up residence in my chest. Everything else was gone. Finding any emotion was hard for me. Only at night, when I was asleep and the past came back to torture me, did I scream and cry.
Over the past nine weeks, I had dealt with moments of weakness. Once I almost convinced myself that I had imagined that text message. And when I couldn"t make myself believe that, I tried to convince myself that I could live with him having s.e.x with other people. If I had him in my life, that would be enough. I would forgive him for needing s.e.x so badly that he had to get it elsewhere.
Then, at my lowest points, I blamed myself for being screwed-up in the head. For not being able to give him what his body needed. I had pushed him into her arms.
He loved me, though. He had yelled it at the top of his lungs.
After weeks of no word from him, I had to accept that he had moved on. I had sent him away, and he had gone. Not easily, but he had gone. Now someone else, probably Cordelia, was taking care of his needs. She was loving him and making him smile. She was everything I hadn"t been to him.
So I just survived. Every day, I got up and survived the day. Every night, I survived the nightmares. Then I did it again. Over and over.
And alone.
Because I"d made him leave.
"Earth to Reesey-poo. Where did you go, woman? I asked you a question."
I shook my Mase thoughts away. They"d be back to fill the void later. "Sorry, what did you ask?"
"I asked if you wanted to go take your written test and get your driving permit tomorrow since we"re off work."
Dr. Munroe had been helping me study for two weeks now. I was as prepared as I"d ever be. "Yeah. That would be good," I replied.
The excitement didn"t come. I had thought once that I would never drive a car. Now I was close to achieving that goal, and I couldn"t manage to feel even a little joy. Because the one person I wanted with me, the one person I wanted to share this with, wasn"t here.
I had pushed him away. I had loved too much. With a broken mind and body, I had loved completely. And he had needed more than that broken mind and body.
Images of him touching a faceless woman and doing things to her that he did to me shredded me every time I let myself think about it. I wanted to be whole. I wanted to be enough for him.
"Don"t get too excited. I might have to pull over until you calm down," Jimmy said sarcastically.
I forced a smile for him.
"Not buying that fake s.h.i.t, Reese," he replied.
It was all I had. Fake s.h.i.t.
Mase.
Swinging the ax, I split the piece of wood I needed to mend the fence. But I couldn"t stop. Lifting the ax, I swung again, ruining the perfect piece I"d created. Then I swung again. And again. And again.
I wasn"t sure when the yelling started, but when I looked up to see my mother standing across from me with her hands on her hips, frowning at me disapprovingly, I knew I must have gotten loud.
s.h.i.t.
She had been waiting for me to snap. I had been careful to work through my day without emotion as long as her attention was on me. Getting Maryann Colt off your back when she thought you needed to talk was near impossible.
I dropped the ax and stared down at the small chunks of wood that were now only good for firewood. I"d annihilated it. I would have to go get another piece now so I could fix the G.o.dd.a.m.n fence.
"Don"t reckon that wood did anything to you," Momma said, c.o.c.king one of her eyebrows.
I didn"t respond. I just dropped to my haunches and started picking up the mess I"d made.
"I"ve had all I can take, Mase Colt Manning. You"ve been a sh.e.l.l of my boy for months, and now you lose your mind and begin yelling and beating the s.h.i.t outta that log with an ax? You have to talk to me. You"re giving me anxiety attacks. I"m worried about you."
For nine weeks, I had managed to live without my heart. This wasn"t a life. My life was a woman who didn"t want me. This was an existence. An empty, shallow existence.