In the strident light from the security lights illuminating the yard helooked tired. There were streaks of dirt on his face, and a smalllaceration on his cheekbone where a thin whippy branch had perhaps cutthe flesh.
As he came towards her, she caught the warm, active scent of his skinand to her consternation she felt her body reacting overwhelmingly to it.
Thank goodness she wasn"t actually wearing the soft feminine frillssuggested by her mother was her first panicky thought Had she been, theswelling tautness of her nipples would have been instantly visible toanyone who looked at her, including Stuart himself.
As it was she had to suppress a sharp urge to pull her jacket moreprotectively around her body, conscious as she moved that even the smallfriction caused by that movement caused her now sensitive nipples tothrob and ache.
" Let"s get inside," she heard Stuart saying.
" You"re obviously cold."
Her face flamed as she thought that he must somehow after all havenoticed what had happened to her, and then she realised that it was farmore likely to be the fact that she was hugging herself into her jacketthat made him think she was chilled.
As she followed him inside, she protested," I shouldn"t really be here.
You probably haven"t even eaten yet, and I know how busy you are..."
" Not too busy to make time for you," he a.s.sured her, turning to givehera grave-eyed look.
" Some thing"s obviously worrying you. I take it you"ve discussed my...my proposition with your parents" Well, I tried to, only Mum got thewrong end of the stick and before I could stop her she"d a.s.sumed that itwas more of a proposal than a proposition.
She thinks that you and I are in love," she told him starkly.
" I know I ought to have at least tried to explain to her, but onceshe"d made the a.s.sumption, and was obviously thrilled with the idea..."She gave a helpless shrug.
" It"s cowardly of me, I know. I should have told her the truth, but itwould be rather like trying to stop an expresstrain," she told himruefully.
" Be fore we"d even finished our cup of tea, she"d virtually got thewedding planned. A marquee on the lawn a June wedding... Oh, I"m sosorry, Stuart; you must think me very weak-minded. I didn"t intend to come up here likethis when I know how busy you are, but Mum had virtually pushed me outof the house before I could stop her. She even told me she thought Iought to change into some thing more feminine."
She stopped as she heard Stuart laugh.
" You"re not... you"re not annoyed, then?" she asked him uncertainly.
" Not if your mother"s very natural misconception means that you aregoing to marry me."
Sara ignored the fierce leap of sensation his words caused inside her,and concentrated instead on anxiously trying to make sure he fully understood what had happened.
" She"ll expect us to behave as though we"re in love. I don"t know ifyou realise..."
" Well, of course she will, and so will everyone else, but I don"t seethat being any problem. After all, I don"t know about you, but I hadn"tintended togo round telling everyone that ours was a marriage foundedon... on mutual beliefs and aims, rather than on mutual pa.s.sion. Thereasons for our marriage are our affair and need not concern any oneelse."
" But you don"t understand," Sara protested helplessly.
" People will expect " " People will expect what? Us to behave likelovers?
I think your mother"s right. I think a June wedding will be ideal."
When she frowned and looked confused, he explained quietly," June isless than six weeks away. The sooner we get married, and settle down tothe mundanity of married life, the faster people will cease regardingour relationship as a novelty, put ting it under a microscope, so tospeak. I don"t think it"s a task beyond either of us to at least givesome semblance of being idyllic ally happy together in public for theshort s.p.a.ce of six weeks, do you? That is, of course, if you havedecided that marriage to me is what you want."
" What? Oh, yes, it is... that is, I do..." Sara told him in a fl.u.s.teredvoice. Married in June. So soon. She felt a tiny flutter of nerves beatfrantic wings inside her stomach.
" Why don"t you stay and have supper with me?" Stuart Suggested.
" We can talk the whole thing over then."
Immediately she shook her head. Not because she didn"t want to be withhim, but because as yet the whole situation was still too new to her,and because her body, that rebellious ent.i.ty which seemed to be behavingin such an uncharacteristic way recently, was something she couldn"ttrust in its present mood. Witness the way it had already reacted to himonce this evening.
" No, no, I must get back," she fibbed, edging her way towards the door.
For a moment he looked oddly grim, unfamiliar almost, a different Stuartfrom the one she knew, and then he was striding past her to open thedoor for her and to walk with her to her car.
As she pa.s.sed the collection of wood by the door, she asked himcuriously, " What on earth"s that?"
" Pieces of oak I rescued from a demolition site."
" Oh, you mean like the wood you used for the kitchen units?" she askedhim, enlightenment dawning.
" That"s right," he agreed, without. specifying what purpose he intendedto put it to.
Outside her car, she hesitated, telling herself she had no right at allto feel chagrined or rejected when he made no move to touch her or kissher, and yet oddly enough as she drove home she did feel conscious of asmall ache, not just of disappointment but of apprehension as well. Theywould be s.e.xually compatible, he had said, and yet how could he reallyknow that on the strength of one or two kisses? It was all very well forthem both to talk logically and calmly of their mutual desire to havechildren, to be parents, but what if when the time came.
She trembled a little, clutching the steering- wheel of her car. It was too late to have those kind of thoughts now. She was committed.
There was no going back.
Committed. Wasn"t that how they"d used to de scribe people who werelocked away in those awful Victorian mental inst.i.tutions?
Committed. She gave another tiny shiver. Was she mad to have acceptedStuart"s proposal? Would a marriage between them work? Would it endure?
Would they be able to build a secure, happy environment for theirchildren?
Beneath her apprehensive fear, she was conscious of a slow, steady pulseof canning rea.s.surance; a deep-seated and deeply buried belief that ifshe would just allow herself to ignore her fears she would find itsurprisingly easy to accept that she had done the right thing.
At the moment she was allowing her judgement to be clouded by themythology that surrounded modern courtship and marriage: the belief thatonly the most intense and pa.s.sionate of emotions could be any basis formarriage. She must put aside that conditioning, that reasoning, whichwas after all no reasoning at all. She must turn her thoughts away fromthe past and towards the future; a future which she owed it to Stuart tocommit herself to completely.
Commit. there was that word again. She must make the same commitment toStuart that he was obviously prepared to make to her. Now suddenly shefound the word comforting rather than frightening Commitment. Yes, sheliked the sound of that, and she must not forget that Stuart, like her,knew already what it was like to experience all the pain of loving thewrong person, and of not having that love returned. They had so much incommon; far more than she had ever had with Ian.
They could be happy; it was after all up to them.
CHAPTER EIGHT.
they could be happy. Sara soon discovered how prophetic that thought hadbeen.
Well as she had thought she had known Stuart, it had surprised her todiscover what a good actor he was, and how easily and convincingly heslipped into the role of a man on the verge of marriage to a woman withwhom he was very much in love on those occasions when they had to appeartogether in public as a prospective bridal couple.
There had been Sunday lunch with her family, arranged so that hersister, her husband and the children could be with them; a visit to thevicar to arrange the dates for the ceremony. Stuart, it seemed, sharedher mother"s view that since they were going to get married they mightas well do so in style, thus endearing him even more to her parents;and, making him even more popular with her father, he had tactfullysuggested that since the manor had much larger grounds and a far lesswell-cared-for garden it might be as well to have the marquee and thereception there.
They weren"t having a formal engagement; there was no point when they were getting married so quickly. Everyone who knew them both, or so it seemed, was now announcing that they hadfelt all along that they were an ideal couple, something which causedStuart to give her a wryly amused glance whenever this view was uttered.
He would make a wonderful father, Sara had acknowledged, watching himwith her sister"s children; he was patient, caring, concerned.everything that any woman could want in her life"s partner, and yet shewas still afraid.
Not of wishing that she had not married him. not even of discoveringthat no matter how much she liked him he could never take the place shehad reserved for so long for Ian.
No, surprisingly enough what she feared was disappointing him--waking upone morning and discovering that he had changed his mind. or, evenworse, waking up one morning after they were married to discover that,as Anna had predicted, s.e.xually she was so unappealing, so undesirablethat he could no longer bring himself to touch her.
And because of the intimacy of her fears, and the revelations which mustautomaticallyaccompany them, she was afraid to voice them.
She knew that had she had enough previous s.e.xual experience she wouldnot be suffering this anxiety; that if she could look back over her lifeand say mentally to herself, maybe Ion didn"t want me, but there wereothers or even one other it would be different, but because of hernature she had never felt inclined to experiment s.e.xually, and, nomatter how much she might regret this now, there was no way she couldturn back the clock and alter things.
She was twenty-nine years old and still a virgin, and she was terrifiedthat when she and Stuart eventually came together as man and wife hewould find her so undesirable that their marriage would be destroyed.
A woman was designed by nature to accept a man"s s.e.xual advances, eventhough she might not feel intense desire for him, but a man. Her fearworried at her mind without cessation the only person she felt she coulddiscuss it honestly and openly with was Margaret.
She rang her one afternoon when she had the office to herself.
" Sara!" her friend exclaimed when she answered the phone.
" How are you? Only three weeks to go now. By the way, guess what I"mpregnant.
Some surprise, eh?"
Margaret pregnant the sharp pang of envy that engulfed her bodyconfirmed to Sara, if she needed any confirmation, just how committedshe now was to the concept of marriage to Stuart. They had alreadydiscussed the subject of their future children. Stuart wanted to waituntil they had been married for six months before they started theirfamily, and she had agreed. Now suddenly she felt an impulsive achingurgency to have conceived already.
Because she wanted a child, or because it would tie Stuart more firmlyto her?
She was so shocked that she should even consider such a course that for a moment she couldn"t speak.
" Sara, are you still there?" Margaret demanded.
" Yes, yes. I"m here. I"m thrilled about the baby... Thrilled andenvious."
Margaret laughed.
" Well, it will soon be your turn."
" I hope so... Margaret, there"s something Ineed to discuss with you."
Her voice sharpened with anxiety and tension, causing the laughter todrop from her friend"s voice as she questioned," What"s wrong? Nothaving second thoughts, are you? Both Ben and I think Stuart is idealfor you. If you"re still thinking about lan " " No, no, it isn"t that. Iwcmtto-many Stuart.
It"s just." She paused, and then said quickly," With you and Ben. Didyou. Well, I know you said you weren"t in love with him. But s.e.xuallyShe paused, unable to go on.
" I think I know what you"re asking me," Margaret told her gently.
" There"d been other men before Ben, and naturally neither of us wouldhave contemplated committing ourselves to marriage if we hadn"t at leastmade sure that we could be s.e.xually intimate, but if you"re at allworried that you don"t find Stuart s.e.xually desirable " " No. No, itisn"t that," Sara interrupted her, gulping nervously, as she rushed onbefore she could lose her courage," I know it"s ridiculous in this dayand age, but there hasn"t been anyone else for me, and I"m afraid. well,I"m afraid that Stuart is going to find me a disappointment. That Iwon"t. that he won"t."
There was a pause and then Margaret asked her slowly," Have you told himany of this? Discussed your fears?"
" No. No, I haven"t... I " " Then you must," Margaret told her firmly.
When she made no response, Margaret added gently," You"re going to marrythe man, Sara if you can"t even bring yourself to tell him how you feel,how on earth are you going to...? And be sides, think of his feelings.
You"re a virgin. He ought to know that. If you can"t bring yourself totell him, then why don"t you write him a note? Explain..."
" When shall I give it to him?" Sara asked her grimly.
" Halfway through the wedding ceremony? And as for telling him... whatam I supposed to say?
" Oh, by the way, I haven"t mentioned it before, but I"m actually stilla virgin?" He"ll think there"s something wrong with me. He"ll think--" "Don"t be ridiculous," Margaret chided her.
" He won"t think anything of the sort. In fact, if you want myopinion--" She broke off.
" Oh, h.e.l.l, I"ve got to go. Alan"s just come in. Paul has fallen off the swing and cut his head. Look, Sara, tell him. Tell him... Now! Today.
I suspect you"re worrying about it far more than he will. He isn"t Ian,you know," she added before hanging up.
Tell him. Tell Stuart that she wasn"t coming to him with all the benefitof being s.e.xually experienced and at ease, and yet oddly enough, as shesat staring into s.p.a.ce, she suddenly realised that given the choicebetween the two men the one she would have automatically chosen as herfirst lover wasn"t Ian.
Ian. It surprised her sometimes how difficult she found it even torecall his face, and yet not so very long ago he had been her wholeworld.
She still ached inside whenever she recalled her conversation with Anna and she suspected she always would. The wounds the other woman hadinflicted could never heal; weren"t they after all part of the reasonfor her fear now?
Tell him, Margaret had urged her. And yet how could she? In public heplayed the role of the loving fiance to perfection, but in private. Inprivate he never touched her, never gave her the slightest indicationthat he found her desirable, that he wanted her--but then why should he?
But they were going to be married. They were going to have children.
Her panic swelled inside her, tightening her muscles, making her headand back ache with tension.
Stuart was away for the whole day, delivering an order. He had told herthat he didn"t expect to be back until late in the evening.
He had been kind to her over these last three weeks of their engagement,but distant, never coming to stand beside her or lean over her shoulderas she worked as he had done before they had decided to get married.
She was shocked by how much she missed this most casual of physicalcontact with him. She was like someone who was secretly starving, shetold herself with distaste, someone so desperate for physical affection.any kind of physical affection. And yet why should she be like this? Inthe ten years she had known Ian, she had never suffered any awareness ofthis kind of deprivation. She had loved Ian, yes, had longed for him tokiss her, to make love to her, but with hindsight she recognised thatthat longing had been based on a confused belief that if he did so itwould mean that he must care for her, whereas with Stuart. With Stuartshe actually physically ached for him to touch her, actually had tophysically stop her self from moving closer to him.
She had already noticed that when they were out together in public sheautomatically closed the distance between them, walking as close to hisside as it was possible for her to get, until she realised what she wasdoing and forced herself to move away from him.
She wasn"t completely naive. She knew quite well that it was possible toexperience desire with out love, but before she had always imagined thatthat was more a male experience, and she had certainly never suspectedthat she would ever experience such a sharply painful need.
She wanted Stuart as her lover, she acknowledged with a tiny shiver, which surely could only bode well for their marriage, and yet. What ifthe very intensity of her wanting should repel him, drive them apart?
She tried to envisage how she would feel were their positions reversed: if he wanted her, and she could only accept him because of her desire tohave children. Wouldn"t she in those circ.u.mstances feel overwhelmed,threatened, angered, and finally completely turned off by the sheerintensity of his desire?
She got up and moved restlessly around the room, hugging her arms aroundher body. She had lost weight recently; her mother had remarked on itwhen they went to buy her wedding dress in Ludlow. Nothing in the shophad appealed until the girl had suddenly produced a dress in heavy creamsatin, its style vaguely Tudorish, showing off the cream embroidery onthe fabric. She had touched it, had had a vision of herself gliding downthe main staircase at the manor, and she had known then that the dresswas just what she had been looking for.