Seiju no Kuni no Kinju Tsukai

I failed to find a job.

Perhaps it was bad that I didn’t care to find work back in college.

In the end, I became a hikikomori and a NEET in my parent’s house.

I want to do something.
But I don’t know what I want to do.
I don’t even know what kind of job I want to get.
As a result, I’m unable to work.
Both my courage and motivation disappeared.
My feelings about it even stopped.

It’s like myself isn’t real.
Something feels different.
But I don’t know 「what」 is different.

I know my hesitation to act is an excuse of a loser.
I’m a useless b.a.s.t.a.r.d.
In that case, what should I do from now on?

I don’t know.

With all these troublesome feelings, I just stopped caring.
From elementary school to high school graduation I had no one to call a friend, and of course having one in college is too much to ask.
Looking back, the cause may be me not being serious in anything at all.
I wonder, was there ever anyone who wanted to befriend someone like me?
Whether it be feelings of goodwill or jealousy, they are directed towards those 「guys who strive」 b.a.s.t.a.r.ds.
For an unmotivated guy like me, I bet they never even considered it.

All my life, I was always alone.
Friends?
What’s that?
Can you eat it?

…Stupid.

Thus starts my lonely, secluded life as a hikikomori.

When I noticed, five years have pa.s.sed.

With these five useless years after college graduation, I might as well be dead to society.
No company would want to hire someone five years out of college.
Not even recruiters for part-time work, I’m too suspicious.

Fortunately, my excellent older brothers were successful in being hired by big companies, so I didn’t face much criticism.

However, the bond with my family grows worse by the year after my college graduation.
Nowadays, we hardly exchange words.
And my parents seem to have given up on me.
Thank G.o.d I’m not an only child.
Thanking my brothers is not enough to show my appreciation.

Without work, my worthless life just pa.s.ses by.

Reading novels.
Reading manga.
Watching movies.
Watching anime.
Listening to music.
And aimlessly surfing the net just to pa.s.s the time.

I would occasionally start playing MMORPGs, but that never lasts long.
At random, I was troubled by the harsh words from PT, which caused me to delete my account several times.
I eventually stopped playing net games.

Gradually, my sense for entertainment dies.
Which caused me to use the internet less frequently.
Eventually… I stopped caring to even turn on my PC.

So, what is it that I do now?

Without anything to do, I pretty much sleep wrapped up in a futon.

「By making just one big mistake, you can ruin your life this much.」

Sleeping in bed, I mumbled this to no one.

「And when you get older, it only gets harder.」

If I were to consult somebody, I’m sure they would say something like 「Leech」 or 「You reaped what you sow」.
Even though I’m reluctant, should I still search for decent work?
On the companies’ side however, they wouldn’t hire someone who is unwilling to work…

――After thinking about it, I concluded that it was useless.

I stared blankly at the familiar ceiling.

「I… truly had a useless life.」

Emptiness.
A life where you couldn’t find anything to do, I wonder if there was anything more miserable.
Where I lie, I changed positions and rolled over.

「What if I could redo life… h.e.l.l, even go back in time?」

But if I went back to any time, I’m sure things would stay the same.

Recently, through the use of conventional train lines, I went to a station far away from home.
If you’re asking why I’m doing such a thing, I’m looking for a nearby mountain using a map I found on the net so I can go mountain climbing.
The mountain was perfectly formed for my needs.

Before I left home, the living room TV was saying a typhoon is approaching.
I don’t mind.
It’s actually a good thing.

I don’t care if a typhoon is imminent, I’ll still climb the mountain.

I went to the last station by train, and told a taxi driver at a roundabout my destination.
The taxi driver with a doubtful face asked kindly, 「Are you sure? With this incoming typhoon?」
I only replied with a 「Please」.

Though the driver’s face still looked doubtful, he silently faced forward and stepped on the accelerator.

There was n.o.body at the foot of the mountain.
Other than the taxi cab, there was no other car in the huge parking lot.

When I got out of the taxi and paid the driver, I started to climb up the empty mountain trail with much effort.
Because it’s raining, the ground is quite slippery.

「It’d be dangerous if my foot slipped.」

I also muttered to myself, 「I’ll die if I slipped.」

If I live anyways, I’ll still be a nuisance to society.

Anyhow, I chose this mountain because of one reason.

That is, there are not many people that visit this mountain.
That means that it isn’t a popular mountain-climbing spot.

So.
I’ll be spending the night alone in this secluded mountain.

This is my new type of entertainment.
Alternatively, it can be said that this the last of what I find entertaining.

Entertainment.
Entertainment, huh?
I suddenly stopped.

The sky started brightening.
The rain clouds thunder and howl.
The light rain suddenly falls harder.
The heavy rains whips onto my face.

I have now reached halfway up the mountain.
This mountain is pretty steep.
Theses steep cliffs are actually pretty daunting.

Uwaa… now this is quite dangerous.
Compared to “entering the mountain” (as I call it), this is a completely different situation.

I look up at the sky with a really bad mood.

Oh well, so what.
Typhoon, here I come.

I might endanger my life in this situation.
However, I feel a lack of a sense of crisis.

My heart has already become numb.
Or, perhaps I――

Want to die, I thought――

And at that moment, I heard a deafening roar.

My eyes were blinded by a dazzling light.

Lightning?
A direct hit on me?

No way… to die here?
…
But.
Overall, this could be a good thing.

I remember giving up, and at the same time feeling a sense of liberation.

Aah, if…
If, if there is an afterlife――

I hope to find something that I’d like to do.

Goodbye, my life that had nothing.

Leaving no legacy to my name, I greeted the downright pathetic ending to my life.