Call for help, Neryn, before itas too late. If you wait until youare incapable, youare a fool. That voice was Talias. But surely it wasnat as simple as that. There must be something I was missing, something I was supposed to learn from this. Must I show I could hold back until the very last extreme before using my gift? Or prove my common sense by using it before I was too weak to summon the will? Both were too simple. The Hag had sent me out here for a purpose. When Iad failed to do whatever it was she wanted me to do, shead made things harder by taking Tali away. What wasnat I seeing? What wasnat I understanding?
The rain came, at first in scattered droplets, then in a steady drizzle, and finally in a great, thunderous downpour. There was no point at all in trying to shelter. The rain drowned everything. It was like a great fist hammering the rocks, a huge voice roaring its song of power. Nothing to do but sit helpless under its bruising strength. The ocean had never seemed so vast, my friends never so far away. My tears flowed warm against the icy chill of my skin.a And that was it. Be fluid as water. The power of the call was not my power. It was the power of deep earth, of mutable fire and pure air. Here in the west, it was the mighty power of water. The sea, the rain, the tears, the cold sweat on our bodies. Everywhere.
As if it only had been waiting for me to see the truth at last, the storm pa.s.sed over and was gone. The air cleared. Pools lay in every hollow of the skerry; the clouds parted to let a ray of pale sunlight through, and the miniature lakes shone like mirrors of gold and bronze and silver. It wasnat a call that was needed, it was a ritual. Or at the very least a prayer: an acknowledgment that my gift depended on the power of Alban, its lakes and mountains and forests, its caves and hilltops and secret places. A Calleras magic lay, not in herself, but in the natural world; she must learn to let that magic flow through her.
I had seen my grandmother perform the seasonal rituals when I was young, though even then their practice had been outlawed. I could not remember the words she had used, but I did recall the basic pattern of it. I rose to my feet, dripping, and picked up my staff. I sc.r.a.ped my wet hair back from my face. Around me, moisture rose from the rocks in small clouds under the meager heat of the sun. My head felt strange; I hoped I would not faint before I reached the end.
Make a circle; pace it out; use the staff to point the way. At each quarter, stop and acknowledge the Guardian. aHail, Lord of the North, Guardian of Earth.a Hail, White Lady, Guardian of Air.a Hail, Master of Shadows, Guardian of Fire.a Hail, Hag of the Isles, Guardian of Water.a I must find words to show I had begun to understand why the Hag had left me out here on my own. aI greet the spirits of this place, spirits of water and of stone. Hail to the ocean with its secret depths and its powerful surges; hail to the creatures who swim there, wrapped in its embrace, nourished by its life. Hail to the storm. Hail to the rain that falls on field and forest, bringing forth new life; that quenches the thirst of wanderer and bard, warrior and cottager, creature of field and woodland and high mountain.a The words were coming to me more freely now, half-remembered, half-invented. A pity it hurt so much to breathe. aHail to the power of water. Hail to the patience that sees it shape stone; hail to the tenderness of a childas tears, and to the delicate perfection of an icicle. The thunderous torrent; the still tarn on whose shining surface long-legged insects dance. May I be fluid in my understanding. May I shape myself to the task before me. May I learn the language of water.a What was next? There should be a ritual fire; aromatic herbs, perhaps the sprinkling of mead or fresh water. All I could do was pour a little rainwater onto the stones by my feet. aFor my ancestors,a I murmured. aFor my family. For those lost on the journey. For my comrades. For everyone who fights for a better world. May I be guided. May I learn the wisdom of water.a There should be far more to it, but my legs would not hold me up any longer. I could hear the rasp of my breathing; it had sounded just like this when I had fallen so sick last autumn, coming up the Rush valley. aLet me be a vessel for the wisdom of water,a I whispered, then curled up under my sodden cloak and closed my eyes.
When I woke from a feverish half sleep, it was to find a tiny weed-wrapped bundle beside me. Opening it with shaking fingers, I found inside a little bannock, as warm and fresh as if it had just come off the fire. The smell was sunshine and kindness and well-wishing. It was hearth and home and comfort.
I resisted the urge to cram the food into my mouth, making myself savor each wondrous, b.u.t.tery mouthful. I ate half. A quarter I rewrapped and stored away. The rest I broke into three small pieces, which I laid on the rocks above the shelter. aThank you,a I whispered. aThank you for your help.a I could not find the strength to look about and see if whoever had left this gift was still on the skerry. I closed my eyes again.
Next time I woke there was a pillow under my head, and a small personage squatting close by, watching me with beady eyes. This was no gull, but a man-shaped being somewhat similar to Hawkbit. He was a being of the sea and the isles, with a long hooded coat of gray feathers, and hair like that of an island sheep, all twists and knots, woven through with strands of weed and little sh.e.l.ls. I sat up and was overcome with coughing.
aDrink up, la.s.sie,a the wee fellow said, and held out a tiny cup. a aTwill not harm ye. Herself would have ye strong and bright for the learnina. The draft will soothe the throat and give ye heart.a I drank. Whatever was in the cup, it flowed down my dry and aching throat with a honeyed ease, then spread a blessed warmth through my tight chest. Under the wee manas scrutiny I finished it all. aThank you,a I said. I did indeed feel remarkably stronger.
aAye,a my visitor said. aYeall do. Eat up the bannock ye set by, sheall be here soon.a aShe?a I rummaged for the leftover bannock, so carefully saved.
aHerself.a No doubt, then, that the Hag was coming. So I had got it right at last; my makeshift ritual had worked. Unless she planned to ferry me halfway back to Far Isle, then drop me over the side. This had been a cruel test. And perhaps not entirely necessary, for when I had called the river being, what had been in my mind was the way that stream connected with its tributaries and springs and flowed down to join the great water of the loch. I had used the knowledge of water in my call. And with the Folk Below, my mind had been on the deep mysteries of earth. When I had used my gift, I had always been respectful.
I ate the last piece of bannock. I began to pack up my sodden, weather-stained belongings. I fought down rising anger.
aYead be wantina tae mak yerself a bittie calmer,a the wee man advised, watching me. aNae la.s.sie argues wia Herself.a Right, of course. The Hag was a Guardian; I needed her. Beside her, I was small and insignificant, a speck in the long history of Alban. If shead done this, she must have had good reason for it. I was alive and unharmed; as far as I knew, Tali was safe. Provided the Hag was prepared to teach me now, I had no grounds for anger.
aIam sorry,a I made myself say.
aNae apology needed for me, la.s.sie. Here, let me carry that for ye.a aCan you tell me a is my friend safe, the one who was on the skerry with me? Where is she now?a aThe la.s.sie wia the fightina eyes and the pretty patterns on her skin? Sheas ower yon, wia Herself.a The wee man glanced toward Far Isle. aOr noa wia her, precisely. Sheas among the human folk, keepina herself busy wia this and that. Sheall be right glad tae see ye again. Dry your eyes, la.s.sie, and hold your head high. I see the boatie comina.a I mopped my eyes with the rag he offered, but the tears kept flowing. Somehow the little man and I got the bags and the staves, the bundle of weaponry, and the sodden bedding down to the wateras edge, and there, approaching with stately balance, was the Hagas elegant vessel, and in it her pale-haired figure sitting proud and straight. The selkie loomed behind her, weed-swathed. The wind was from the west, and yet the silken sails bellied out, carrying the boat toward us. She could conjure the weather, then. Waves, winds, tides, storms. How easy for her to pluck a woman from a rock in the sea while another slept.
I schooled my features, trying to breathe deeply. My chest was still tight, though the potion had helped. I waited without a word while the vessel drew in next to the rocks. In a blur of movement the selkie was out and beside me, and my belongings were in the boat. The wee man put up a hand to help me balance; I stepped aboard and seated myself in the bow. The small one seemed in no hurry to hop over himself.
aAre you not coming with us?a I asked.
aAch, no, Iave ma ain wee boatie.a He pointed, and now I saw a tiny coracle of wattle and skins bobbing on the waves a little farther along, apparently held there by the same magic that allowed this larger vessel to maintain its position without rope or anchor.
The selkie slid into the sea, graceful despite his bulk. I did not see the moment of changing. With a twist and a roll, he plunged deep and was gone. The little man scrambled into his frail slip of a boat, picked up a paddle, and bobbed out to sea. The waves slapped and rushed at the skerry; farther out, the swell was monstrous.
aGrand wee boatman,a observed the Hag. As the tiny craft was lost to view in the heaving waters, the westerly caught our sails and we headed back toward Far Isle. aNow, letas have a look at you.a Her gaze was very direct. Perhaps she saw right inside my mind to the tangle of relief and resentment there. I met her stare, holding my head high. I had not endured all those lonely days for nothing. Weary as I was, I did not plan to crumple in exhausted defeat.
aYouare not happy,a she said.
aFor a while, when you took Tali away, I thought she had drowned. I know you must have had your reasons for subjecting us to this test. But a what you did a it did not seem altogether right.a The Hag spread her hands, palms up. aYou came to find me. You sought learning. Have you learned nothing from this experience?a Breathe, Neryn. Count to five before you answer. aI learned that a Caller does not possess any magic of her own. She is a a a channel, a conduit for the power that exists in nature.a I could not help adding, aBut deep down I knew that already. I feel it every time I use my gift.a The Hag made no comment, only kept her gaze on me, deep and penetrating. Perhaps she expected some other answer.
aIam not sure why it was necessary to do this,a I said. aIt seemed somewhat a cruel.a The Hag smiled. aYou thought, perhaps, that a hag might be tiny and bent, toothless and frail, happy to drop gems of kindly wisdom in your lap as you fed her sippets of bread dipped in watered mead? Was that it?a I recalled making the soup up on the cliff top and thinking it might be soothing to an old womanas stomach. aI am not such a fool as to underestimate any of the Guardians,a I said. aI fear and respect you. I understand what power you can wield if you choose. I will be deeply grateful if you agree to teach me.a Since she seemed to be listening attentively, I went on. aI believe you already know something of my story. A messenger told Tali and me where to find our friend with his boat, ready to cross to the isles; the same messenger was on the cliff top when you came up to meet us. It does seem that word of our mission has come west and that you are prepared to help. You may know, then, that I have lost many of those dear to me. That the rebels are my family now. That I have friends among the Good Folk, trusted and true friends. You know, perhaps, that I have spent years fending for myself and evading the notice of the kingas men.a I paused.
aGo on.a aTests of strength, tests of courage, tests of knowledge and wisdom, all of those I accept as preparation for the path that lies before me. When I met the Master of Shadows, I showed him that I met the requirements for training as a Caller. He accepted that I had demonstrated the seven virtues. This time on the skerry aa A silence, then, aGo on. Cruel, I think you said.a A sudden wave of weariness came over me. aI have a question,a I said.
aAye?a She was leaning forward now, as if this mattered where the rest of it had been of little significance.
aWere you displeased with me?a I asked. aAngry that I had used my canny gift several times already, without any proper training? If you were only waiting for me to recognize the power of water, and my own powerlessness, why did you need to spirit Tali away?a aAngry? No. You have used your gift more sparingly than you might have done. Learning to hold back is important. Birds brought me the tale of your encounter by a ford, when you summoned one of my river folk. On that occasion you acted with due respect. A clumsy call, perhaps, but made in the right spirit.a aYou havenat answered the question: why?a The Hag lifted her hand, and the boat came to a sudden halt. We rocked on the waves, halfway between the skerry and Far Isle.
aWhat do you think I will do next?a asked the Hag, her shimmering pale locks blowing around her strong face. aTell me. Say exactly what is in your mind.a aDrop me overboard for daring to challenge you?a She stared at me a few moments, her eyes a swirl of blue and green and every shade between, night and day, sea and sky, pelt of seal and shining fish scales. Then she threw her head back and roared with laughter. aNo wonder the Master of Shadows was so taken with you,a she spluttered. aYou may look like a gust of wind would snap you, but youave remarkable strength of mind, and you have endurance. Youall be needing both if youare to take the path of a Caller. As for tossing you over the side, if I did that, Himself would only lift you back in again. See, he keeps pace with us.a She pointed, and I saw beneath the waves the selkie circling the boat, a graceful, mysterious shadow. aThen he would chide me for treating you too harshly. Besides, Iad have folk to answer to if I happened to lose you on the way; theyave been pestering me for your return as it is.a They? Who was there, apart from Tali?
aNeryn,a the Hag said, and her voice was different now, more solemn, but also warmer. aYou are safe. You will soon be well again. Perhaps the test seemed unduly hard. But a Caller is a rare thing; we must be sure you are strong enough to do this. Strong enough to learn; brave enough to endure the losses this path will mean. I saw how hard it was for you to bid your man farewell. At the end, you may indeed be all alone. If that is unbearable, if you cannot do without your friends, if you cannot go on without love and support and comradeship, then best you give this up now, before you travel farther down the path. Weigh it up, la.s.sie. Itas indeed a hard road.a Fresh tears stung my eyes. I blinked them back. I would not let the first note of kindness reduce me to a weeping child again. aI know itas hard. All of us understand that.a I drew a steadying breath and squared my shoulders under my filthy, wet clothing. aI want to learn. I hope you will teach me, and when I am ready, send me on to the Lord of the North. Even if it means losses and heartbreak, this is something I have to do. For Alban. For those already lost and ruined and broken. For all of us.a aMm-hm. You make a good wee speech. What if I told you we would start learning now, right away? What if learning meant going back out to that skerry and sitting there another five days, ten days, twenty days, with only a knife and a fishing line for company?a I will not cry. I will not be angry. aIf that will teach me to be a better Caller, then I will do it,a I made myself say. My tone was perhaps less than placatory, but it was the best I could manage under the circ.u.mstances.
She laughed again, a full-throated sound of sheer pleasure. I could have hit her.
aI can be kind when I choose,a she said, grinning. Her teeth were white and sharp, the teeth of a young, strong woman. aYou may rest for a few days before we begin.a aThank you.a I tried not to imagine a warm bath, clean clothing, a soft bed. She had promised none of these. aWill I see Tali again?a aAye, you will. That la.s.sie does not trust me an inch. Sheall be waiting on the jetty, like as not.a We sailed on around the southwestern corner of Far Isle, and I saw ahead of us another little cove, and a precipitous path zigzagging up what seemed a sheer cliff. In the cove was a jetty, and beside it a tiny shelter. There were people on the jetty, but I could not make them out clearly.
aI like your anger,a the Hag said mildly. aI like your resistance. It makes you less than courteous, but altogether more interesting. Let us sail for shelter. There are storms in the west, and they will pa.s.s this way at dusk. Your skerry will be underwater.a The vessel made its graceful way into the cove, and as we drew closer, I saw that there were indeed several folk on the jetty waiting for us. A man in heavy woolen gear, perhaps a fisherman, holding a boat hook. Beside him, unmistakable, the lean, tattooed figure of Tali. She raised both hands in a salute of welcome.
And a a third person. A tall, blunt-featured man in a worn gray cloak, his scarred face wearing quite openly its love and anxiety. The sight of him s.n.a.t.c.hed away my breath. Against all common sense, against every decision that would have kept him and his perilous secret safe, Flint had come back to the isles.
No time for talk, then. The vessel came in, the fisherman held it against the jetty with his boat hooka"hardly necessary, but the Hag made no commenta"and Tali held out a hand to help me ash.o.r.e. I stepped onto the jetty and threw my arms around her, and then around Flint, blinded by the tears I had held back all the way from sh.o.r.e to sh.o.r.e. Then I stepped away, wiping a hand across my cheeks. I had seen the looks on both my comradesa faces, and I knew I must speak before either of them did.
The Hag had not moved from her boat. Beside it in the shallows, the selkieas head broke the surface. He bobbed there, regarding us with mellow eyes. I wondered what he was to her. Lover, husband, friend, guardian, conscience? He would chide me for treating you too harshly.
aThank you for bringing me safely here,a I said to the Hag, and when Tali would have spoken, I silenced her with a quick gesture. The strength I had gained from the wee manas draft was ebbing fast. I had spoken with some discourtesy on the boat; I had been angry. It was plain the others felt the same. I was not ashamed that I had challenged the Hag, but we must put this behind us now. She would teach me; that was enough.
aI will return for you in due time.a She fixed me with her gaze. aRest, recover, consider those matters of which we spoke. The folk of this island will shelter you. They will ask no questions. They will reveal no secrets.a Now she turned that look on Flint. aStep down to the boat. Collect your friendsa belongings.a Then, in a different tone, aYouad want to be leaving this sh.o.r.e as soon as you can, laddie.a I saw Flint gather himself, swallow furious words. aWith your permission,a he said carefully, aI will stay until tomorrow.a The Hag looked at me.
aPlease,a I said.
She did not say yes or no, merely watched as Flint got into the boat and pa.s.sed the staves, the bags, the bedding, the bundled weapons across to Tali. If Tali was relieved to get her knives back, she gave no sign of it, merely took each item and stacked it tidily on the jetty. Her features were well governed now, though the set of her body told me a different story. When I tried to help, she murmured, aIall do it, Neryn.a Flint stepped back onto the jetty.
I waited for the Hag to say Flint must leave immediately. Such a decision would be typical of her, I thought. But she said nothing, simply exchanged a glance with the selkie, whose sleek head still showed above the water by the boat. It was only an instant, and then he dived down and was lost to our eyes. The Hag looked at the fisherman, and he withdrew the boat hook. The vessel turned and headed out to sea. The selkie swam alongside, a dark form keeping steady pace. The Hag did not look back.
Silence for a few moments. Then the fisherman put the roll of bedding over his shoulder and picked up the two bags, and Tali hefted the weaponry and the staves. I looked up at the zigzag path to the top of the cliff. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to make Tali proud of me. I wanted to show Flint that I was a worthy member of Reganas Rebels. But my chest hurt, and my legs felt like jelly, and my eyes were blurry. aJust give me a moment to get my breath,a I said, or perhaps I did not say it aloud, for rocks and sea and white faces began to swirl around me, and I was falling down, down, so far down.
Then up again, in Flintas arms, to find myself over his shoulder with my head dangling.
aIam sorry, Neryn,a he said. aBut itas steep. I need one hand free to get you up safely.a We climbed. After a while I shut my eyes. I didnat much care for cliff paths even when I had my own feet and hands to rely on. I clenched my teeth and ordered myself not to faint or otherwise disgrace myself.
aItas all right,a Flint said. aI have you safe. Weall soon be in shelter.a aI canat believe she did that to you,a came Talias voice from somewhere behind us. aWhat if youad died out there?a aThought a you a,a I managed.
aShh,a said Flint.
We reached the cliff top and he lowered me gently to my feet. My knees buckled; I could not stand. He picked me up again, this time in his arms as if I were a child, and we walked on. It was a small isle. We soon reached a southern settlement, nestled in a hollow a mile or so inland. Its size surprised me. There were at least twenty cottages, each with its drystone wall and its well-protected vegetable patch. Trees were very few, but I spotted one or two survivors, near-p.r.o.ne from a lifetime of westerly gales. Smoke arose from hearth fires; chickens pecked on the pathways. From not far off came the peaceful voices of grazing sheep. This place, I thought, was surely like the Alban of old, the Alban before Keldec.
By the time we went in the gate of one of the little houses, I was struggling to stay awake. The fisherman dropped the bags on the doorstep, exchanged a few words with Tali, and went off. Tali pushed the door open. Flint carried me inside and deposited me on a bed. I was too tired to do anything but lie back on the pillows.
aGet off the bed, youare wet through.a Tali put an armful of folded clothing on the storage chest. aFlint, turn your back.a He went to busy himself making up the hearth fire, while Tali helped me strip, then dress in what must be borrowed garmentsa"a shift, a woolen dress, a warm shawl. aTheyare generous folk here,a she said, making an attempt to comb out my hair with her fingers, then giving up. aWe have the use of this house, theyave lent us clothing, and weall be provided with food and fuel as long as weare here.a She gave a crooked smile. aNot like Alban at all, is it? And yet, more like Alban than anywhere.a She collected my sodden garments and took them off out the back. Flint covered me with a blanket, then stroked my filthy hair back from my face, gazing down at me. The only thing I could think of was that I might sleep too long and wake to find that he was already gone. This was the precious time I had wished for the day we met the Hag. I could not bear to lose it all over again.
aWake me up,a I murmured. aPlease. Not too long a Flint a why a you here?a aA dream. I saw you out on the skerry, all alone in the storm. Coughing as you did last autumn, when you nearly died. How could I not come back?a Perhaps I should have realized this as soon as I saw him in my own dream, but I had not thought he would act so rashly. aSaw you a,a I whispered. aLooking like death a running a too risky a the others a the king aa aDonat trouble yourself with that,a Flint said.
aBut a but what about aa aSleep now.a It was an order. aWeall wake you before dusk, I promise. Here you can have a warm bath, a good meal, time to recover.a aDonat aa Tali appeared beside him, wearing her most ferocious frown. aStop talking, Neryn. Youare safe, you can rest. Weall still be here when you wake up; n.o.bodyas planning to leave you on your own. Shut your eyes now, and not another word out of you.a Well practiced at obeying her commands, I closed my eyes and surrendered to sleep.
By nightfall I was well rested. I had bathed, then consumed a bowl of vegetable broth, a hunk of grainy bread, and a small cup of watered mead. The food had been brought by a woman of the island. She hadnat come in, but Iad seen her at the door, where shead spoken with Tali and handed over the basket. Something else tooa"Tali had produced a tiny bottle with a curious stopper made from a seed, and added a drop of the contents to my mead.
aI was given instructions. By the Hag, after she brought me back here. Both for this, to restore your health, and for afterward. Where to go for your learning; whoas to take you there and bring you back. All thought out, perhaps from the first. I was surprised she didnat give me my own set of orders, for while Iam waiting.a aWhat will you do?a Tali shrugged. aIn a place like this thereas always work to be done. Mending things, digging the vegetable patch, helping with stock. Might go some way to repaying these folkas generosity.a We had the cottage to ourselves: one sizable room with several shelf beds, a privy out the back, and a lean-to where animals could be housed in winter. There was no livestock about the place now except for a large gray cat with a tattered ear, which had come in while I slept and settled itself heavily on my feet. Now we sat over our mead, the three of us on benches before a little hearth fire. I had been woken, not by Tali and Flint, but by a violent storm sweeping across the island, rattling at the shutters and pounding on the door with such force that I knew the Hag had been righta"if she had left me out there one more day, I would have drowned. Now the island had fallen quiet. The distant sound of the sea was like the peaceful breathing of a creature worn out by a tumultuous day. The cat had shifted to my lap. It had one eye slitted open, as if not entirely sure it could trust us.
Flint was beside me on the bench, his arm around my shoulders. I felt the warmth of his thigh against mine, the occasional brushing of his fingers against my hair. Tali said not a word about this. Her opinion was all in her eyes. Oh, you fools. To risk so much.
aI donat understand why this Hag subjected you to such a grueling test,a Flint said.
aNeryn coped well,a said Tali unexpectedly. aBut I concur with you that the test was extreme, and itas hard to understand the reasoning behind it. Can we trust that the Hag wonat do something like this again, Neryn?a aI had hoped,a Flint said, afor one certainty at least: that for the period of your training you would be safe.a I rested my head against his shoulder. I must speak truthfully, though a lie would ease his mind. I hated to think of him back among the Enforcers, or worse still at court, where he must tread so carefully every moment of every day, being distracted by thoughts about my safety. aThereas no certainty, Flint. But we must go on. We need the Good Folk. We need their support when we challenge Keldec. I have to learn, I have to become expert, I have to be able to call them to battle without fearing the result will be some kind of catastrophe. If the training puts me in peril, thatas the way it must be.a aIall be praying that doesnat happen,a said Tali with a grimace. aNot much scares me, but that surely did. Not only being s.n.a.t.c.hed up and conveyed over here on the back of a selkie, but before that, watching you get thinner and paler, and hearing you coughing, and knowing you werenat going to call her even if you were down to your last breath.a aI would have called some smaller being. Not Herself.a aBut she sailed across to meet us; came up the cliffs to share our supper. What brought her if not your gift?a aShe came because she knew it was time. Just as she arranged for us to be on the sh.o.r.e when Flint was there with the boat. Itas the messengersa"birds and other creatures. What we started at Shadowfell, with our council, has moved with startling speed.a I had wondered if they would talk of Regan and the others, and how they might be faring, but perhaps they had done that while I was sleeping, for neither of them spoke of it. After a while our conversation dwindled and died to a murmur here, a few words there. We sat quiet, wrapped in our own thoughts, while the fire crackled and the cat purred on my knee. In my mind was Flintas mission to the isles, the one he had carried out for the king. And his return here now, solely because a dream had shown him I was in trouble. I wanted to ask him if he would fall under suspicion when he returned; if the rest of his troop was back in Pentishead already; if he would be able to invent a plausible excuse for racing off without proper explanations.
But I didnat ask. He wouldnat tell me anyway; head say it was something I need not know. All I could do was hope he could talk his way out of trouble yet again. I feared for him. His double life could not go undetected forever.
I must set those things aside for now. Tonight was a gift. I must not darken it with my fears for tomorrow.
G.o.ds, I was tired. Even after that sleep, my eyes were closing now despite my best intentions. I put up my hand to shield a yawn.
A glance pa.s.sed between Flint and Tali.
aIall be off, then,a she said, getting up. aSleep well, the two of you, and donat forget entirely who you are and what it is weare here for. Iall be back at dawn. Youall be wanting to get away early.a aGood night,a Flint said, perfectly calm, and after she had slung on her cloak and gone out the front door, he moved to bolt it after her.
I was fully awake now. aTali agreed to go and sleep somewhere else?a Flint was standing just inside the door, in the shadows. His expression was difficult to read. aOnly after I promised we would be mindful of all the reasons why this was not a good idea,a he said. aIf you prefer, I can call her back.a aNo!a I protested, then felt myself blushing. This was not at all what I had expected. A somewhat awkward night with the three of us in the same sleeping quarters, yes. That would likely have meant Tali and me sharing the big bed while Flint took one of the others. The best I had hoped for was to s.n.a.t.c.h some private conversation with him while she slept. aNo, of course not.a Flint came over to crouch in front of me, taking both my hands in his. aI hoped this was what you wanted,a he said a little unsteadily. aIt was one reason I came back. The look on your face when she said you could only take one of us a But, dear one a I donat intend that we a I believe some things must wait. You and me a what is between us a Our lives are perilous. Every moment of every day, weare in danger of discovery. The closer we become, the more likely that one of us may be used against the other. That is the way Keldecas forces work. Neryn, we cannot risk lying together as lovers. What if I got you with child?a My mind leapt treacherously to the image of a child Flint and I might make together, a boy with strong, blunt features and beautiful gray eyes. I imagined myself singing him to sleep; I let myself picture Flint carrying him on his shoulders, a wide-eyed toddler gazing out over the sea. Then I banished those images from my mind. What Flint had said was right. To have a child who might fall into Keldecas hands was unthinkable. aTell me what you do want,a I said.
A sweet smile appeared on his face. aWhat I truly want must wait for another time,a he said. There was a long pause; I knew he was thinking of the time of peace, the time when Keldec was gone, and wondering, as I did, whether that time would come too late for us. aFor now, I will be content, more than content, if we lie side by side as we once did by our campfire.a aReally?a I asked, smiling in my turn, though in truth my heart was beating fast now, and my breath coming unevenly. aAs I remember it, as soon as we woke up, we moved apart. And then pretended we had not been lying quite so close that night.a aBelieve me,a Flint said, aI have relived that morning many times. Are you happy to share this bed with me tonight, so we can sleep in each otheras arms?a Unspoken was the understanding that at dawn he would be gone; that it might be years before we had another opportunity to spend a night alone together. That, for us, this might be the one and only time.
aThat was what I hoped for, when we first came here,a I said, getting up. aOnly aa aI promise I will nota"a aIam not concerned about that. Only that I may fall asleep quite quickly, and that you may find that a little a insulting.a Flint laughed. I realized I had never heard him do so before. Let there be a time in the future, I prayed, when he laughs with his children, and plays on the sh.o.r.e with them, and spends all his nights in loving arms. Let us have that. To whom I was praying I did not know. The future was in our own hands. If we wanted a world where such things were possible, it was for us to make it.
aSleep all you will, dear one,a Flint said, pulling down the covers on the bed. aI will be content to hold you. Come, lie down by me.a It was a sweet night, a night that would return many times later, in memories and dreams, to sustain me through loneliness, fear, and confusion. By warm firelight we lay down together and explored each otheras bodies with gentle hands and courteous mouths; we brushed and touched and stroked with tenderness and pa.s.sion. We were home and comfort and friend, lover and partner and wondrous new world to each other. We were careful and slow, and at the time when our bodies became too urgent in their need, we moved apart and lay side by side, hands clasped, whispering the tender words we had never spoken before, save in our dreams. The fire died down to glowing embers; the timbers of the cottage roof creaked in the wind. In the distance, the waves sighed against the sh.o.r.e. The cat jumped onto the bed, then crept across to wedge itself solidly between us. And I drifted into a deep, healing sleep.
When night was over, we opened the shutters on a sky washed by the storm to a pale, clear blue. All that we needed to say was already said. Before the settlement was fully awake, Flint was gone.
A few days later, when I was restored to health, I began to learn the wisdom of water.
TALI KEPT COUNT WITH SCRATCHES ON A STONE outside our cottage door, groups of five, one line with four across it, like little trees. Perhaps she had thought ten days might be sufficient, or twenty, or thirty. The trees became a grove, a wood, a forest. The days grew longer and warmer, and the island sheep got fatter. And still I was learning.
Tali and I sat on a wall above Hidden Cove, looking out to the south under a sky filled with strange clouds, here a tall tower, here a three-headed monster, here a cruel figure with a flail. Below us, the sea was churned to angry whitecaps. There was not a fishing boat to be seen.
aSurely she must be able to tell you how much longer,a Tali said. aAsk her, at least. You know how vital it is that we move on soon.a aI canat ask.a It was impossible to explain how wrong that would be. All day, every day I had spent with the Hag, practicing, endlessly practicing. It was not for me to question her on anything. Her power was immense; I wondered, now, that I had ever thought to challenge her.
Most days we worked in her cavern, which was s.p.a.cious and earthen-floored with a fine view out to the west. Thus far I had done very little calling. Instead, I had spent a great deal of time standing utterly still with my eyes shut, feeling in my inner self the working of waves and tide, or the subtle movements of fish out there in the ocean. Breathing as they breathed; learning the great rhythms of the sea. Feeling the same patterns in my blood and in my breath, and becoming one with them. This kind of learning could not be rushed. It must happen in its own natural time. I could not explain this to Tali. The Hagas wisdom was secret; I knew this without being told.
aWe have to be patient. When Iam ready, sheall let me go.a A weighty silence followed. We had both hoped to be back at Shadowfell by midsummer, or at the very least, to be well up the Rush valley before the roads became crowded with folk heading for the Gathering. For even though that celebration had become a testament to Keldecas cruelty, people still flocked there in the hundreds to watch the games. If any major household did not send representatives, its lord and lady might be seen as suspect at the least, and at the worst openly defiant. The consequences of that could be dire. Folk would begin to move well before midsummer day in order to be sure they did not draw attention by arriving in the Summerfort area late. And even if we took the same route wead used coming west, we could not avoid the main tracks entirely.
aI donat understand why you canat just ask her. Explain to her that you have to visit the north too before winter.a aShe knows that. Tali, I canat press her. What if she rushed things and let me leave before I was ready, and then, when I needed to use my gift for the cause, something went wrong because Iad missed a vital part of the training? I know how urgent it is to move on. But we do have to be patient about this.a aItas not just the risk of being on the tracks when theyare busy. If weare back at Shadowfell for midsummer, at least some of our folk will be there, and we can talk about progress and make new plans. This enterprise is picking up speed; itas vital that we keep in touch.a I said nothing. I knew she was worried about Regan. I suspected she was only waiting until we returned to Shadowfell to pa.s.s the job of guarding me on to someone else and go back to her old job as our leaderas shadow.
Tali sighed. aIt feels wrong to be here so long. This placea"it lulls a person into a false sense of peace. And thatas dangerous. Keldec and his forces are still out there maiming and killing, making new laws to torment the people of Alban, grinding the chieftainsa faces into the dirt. People still live every day in fear. And over here, folk go about their lives as if none of that existed. They act as if all that matters is shearing the sheep or hauling in a catch.a She glanced over her shoulder, in the general direction of the settlement. aNot that I grudge them contentment. Thatas what we all want. But I need to be out there doing something about it, not wasting my time kicking a ball around with a bunch of children while I wait for you.a aThen go,a I said.
A silence.
aI mean it, go. Between the Hag, the Good Folk, and the islanders Iam perfectly safe here. The place is remote. The Cull doesnat come to the isles, or hasnat in two years. If itas so important to get back to Shadowfell, leave me and go back on your own.a She got up and began to pace, every part of her restless. aDonat be stupid, Neryn, of course I canat go without you. The mission Regan gave me was to guard you. To keep you safe on your journey. That includes the trip back. The suggestion is ridiculous.a aEither you do that, or you exercise patience. Iam sorry youare unhappy, but we have to wait until she says itas time.a Tali came back to seat herself on the wall beside me. aSorry,a she muttered. aItas just a as long as he doesnat aa aAs long as he doesnat what? You mean Regan?a aIf you knew the story, youad understand better.a aIs that the story you keep saying is not yours to tell? Iave grasped enough to know that a catastrophe befell his family, that there was n.o.body else left, that he gave up his claim to the chieftaincy of the isles in order to go to ground and start the movement to dethrone Keldec. Isnat that all I need to know?a aIt wasnat Keldecas Enforcers who swept down on Reganas household and kept killing until everyone but him was gone.a There was a look on her face that chilled me. I could only describe it as savage. aIt was one of the chieftains of Alban. The king required a demonstration of loyalty; the man had a choice: perform this deed or see something similar happen to his own family and retainers. Keldec delights in such games. So he got his demonstration, and the isles lost a fine chieftain, along with his heirs.a aI saw a district chieftain hanged last autumn,a I told her. aDunchan of Silverwater. The Enforcers put him to death in front of his family. His wife challenged them and they killed her too. That household was lucky to lose no more.a aHow was it you were there?a aI was pa.s.sing by, in the woods above Dunchanas stronghold. I watched and moved on. There was nothing I could do.a aBut thereas something you can do now.a aYes. Too late for Dunchan and his wife. But not too late for all the others Keldec and his forces could destroy if n.o.body acts to stop it. Tali, where was Regan when his family was killed?a She grimaced. aWith Flint, on another island. They came back to find a well, you can imagine. The attackers were still on the Cradle, watching things burn. Regan wanted to rush in and exact b.l.o.o.d.y vengeance, the two of them against hundreds; he was possessed by fury. If Flint had not been with him, he would certainly have got himself killed that day. Instead, the two of them turned their boat around and slipped away into the dusk.a After a little, she added, aThe man who carried out that raid believed his forces had accounted for the whole family. That was what he reported to the king. Regan had another name then, you understand, another ident.i.ty. n.o.body knows heas still alive. Except us. Except the rebels. And not even all of them know who he was before.a This was enough to silence me completely. She had just entrusted me with the most powerful and dangerous of secrets. If revealed to the wrong person, this knowledge could be Reganas death sentence.
aAnd now youare wondering why I would tell you such a thing,a said Tali. aYou know as well as I do that this is the kind of information we donat share unless itas absolutely necessary for strategic reasons. In its way, this is that kind of reason. The chieftain whom Keldec ordered to carry out that raid was Boran of Wedderburn.a aWedderburn a The territory where we were attacked on the way here? Didnat they say their lordas name was Keenan?a aKeenan is the son; Boran died a few years ago. Keenanas an unknown quant.i.ty. Heas one of the chieftains we havenat yet approached. The treatment you and I received at the hands of those so-called hunters hardly inspires confidence. When put to the ultimate test, Boran was faultlessly obedient to Keldec. Though, to be fair to the man, that must have cost him dear. It would take great strength of character to refuse such an order.a aYou believe Boran should have said no and seen his own household put to the sword instead?a An unwelcome thought was in my mind, that it was precisely this kind of manipulation that Tali feared could be carried out on Flint and me, since we had been foolish enough to develop tender feelings for each other. aDidnat the king ask Boran to carry out the raid because he doubted his loyalty? His son may not be a kingas man through and through.a aWe donat know why Keldec asked that of Boran. But yes, when he imposes this kind of task on someone, itas usually because their loyalty is suspect.a aItas a terrible choice. A man might take his own life rather than obey. Or flee with his family, turn his back on home forever, if he could.a aThatas what this is all about: impossible choices, and being brave enough to make them. Yes, even if it means a manas nearest and dearest are sacrificed for the greater good.a aYou would stand by and see your own children die in order to prove that point?a Talias eyes were turned away from me, out toward the sea and the southern isles. Her jaw was set tight. aI have no children. I never will. I have no husband, no lover, no family. Only fellow rebels, others like me. All of them understand how it has to be. Hard. Cruel. Brutal. Full of choices like the one Andra had to face. That makes it all the more vital to keep what we do under strict control. You and Flinta"thatas out of control now, or head never have come back here when he dreamed you were in trouble. It was unplanned, it was foolish, it was too risky. He knew I was here. He knew I was looking after you. Flint is dedicated to the rebel cause. Itas his life. But he didnat come back because of that. He came back because he loves you. Itas a weakness. I see in his eyes that if he had Andraas choice, and if it was you who stood to be sacrificed, he couldnat do it.a At this point I saw Himself on the path, approaching us. His form, on land, was that of a robustly built man; he walked on feet like any other man, and within the layers of his weedy attire he had arms and hands that he used as a man did. He was, all the same, profoundly Other, a creature of deep water and tides, his flattened features and dark bright eyes telling of wonders we human folk could never dream of. Every day, when the Hag was ready for me, he would come up to fetch me. He never spoke. I had never learned his real name, if indeed he had one a human ear could comprehend. But I was always happy to see him. There was no doubt he was kindly disposed to both Tali and me, and I suspected his influence made the Hag somewhat easier on us than she might have been.
aHeas here,a Tali said. aIall be waiting in the usual spot before dusk.a aThank you.a aItas yourself, then.a This was the Hagas daily greeting, delivered without emphasis while she examined me closely, as if since yesterday I might have turned into someone else.
aIt is, and I bid you good morning.a I had my staff with me, as well as a waterskin and the remains of last nightas supper in a covered dish. She and I would share this offering at some point during the dayas work. aA fair day.a Shead never told me how I should address her, so I avoided using terms like my lady, which so obviously didnat fit. I simply made sure I sounded respectful.
aAye, it is. And just as well, since weall be out on the cliffs. Ready?a aAs ready as I can be.a We made our way from the cave mouth along a ledge. Far below us, great waves pounded in to smash themselves on the rocks. Above and around us screamed an army of agitated birds.
aBreathe,a said the Hag. Sure-footed as an island lad collecting eggs, she stepped along the narrow pathway, her back straight, one hand lightly touching the rock wall beside her. I breathed and followed.
The ledge rose gradually, rounded a headland, became broad enough for two to sit side by side without immediate risk of falling.
aYou can sit down,a she said.
We sat, gazing out to the west.
aYouave made progress.a I bowed my head. Her praise warmed me, but I could not a.s.sume anything from it.
aWhat is your greatest need?a she asked me. aAs a Caller, what is it you must be able to do?a Before she had begun to teach me, Iad have taken my answer from ancient tales. A Calleras purpose was to unite Good Folk and humankind in a battle against evil. But now I saw it rather differently.
aI must be a a a conduit. I must bring the understanding of water, earth, fire, and air to everything I do. I must use that wisdom for healing. Learning. Restoring peace. Mending what is broken.a aWords, words,a said the Hag. aPeace. Healing. Mending. But first war, struggle, death. What of your part in that? Your rebels will not win their time of peace without more losses.a aIam expecting it to be difficult,a I said. aHere in the isles we are surrounded by wonder, by beauty, by natural power. In a place like this I can feel the flow, I can feel it working through me. I know it wonat be the same at the end, when we confront the king.a aIndeed not. But you have used your gift on a field of battle.a aUsed it imperfectly.a aFolk will die, Neryn, even if you become the most expert Caller Alban has ever seen. Folk will be cut down. Your folk. My folk. You cannot command the course of a battle without seeing losses.a There was a question I had kept back, hoping the answer might come up as part of my training. Now seemed the time to ask it. aIs there a way to protect your folk against cold iron? I have seen its effects and a you speak of losses, and I understand that they are part of any battle. But I canat expect Good Folk to fight alongside us when the enemy is armed with iron swords and spears. Many of the smaller folk would have no defense against that.a She looked at me awhile, her strong features somber. aIt is a weighty matter,a she said. aThe answer does not lie with me.a My heart sank. I said nothing.
aSome can resist iron,a the Hag went on. aSome it weakens; some it destroys. I can teach you to call one from many; to shape your call to a particular being. But on a field of battle, where all is disturbance and confusion, that may not be enough. I know of no charm that can be thrown over a whole army to shield them. If there were such a spell, only the most potent mage could wield it.a Then it lay beyond my reach. I felt something akin to despair.
aYou might ask the Lord of the North, if you can wake him from his sleep. Iron comes from earth. Perhaps he has his own answers.a She narrowed her eyes at me. aFix your mind on the true purpose of your quest,a she said. aWhat lies beyond the sorrow, beyond the losses, beyond the battle?a aPeace. Justice. Freedom.a aAye. Good things, fine things. You must not let these doubts obscure them.a I nodded, knowing I must accept her wisdom. We sat on awhile in silence, then she said, aClose your eyes. Go through your cycles of breathing.a I did so; the breathing was a discipline she had taught me early, to calm the mind and body and make myself open to the power that must flow through me, power I would use in my call. It took time. Time I would surely not have on the field of battle.
aSomewhere out in the bay, a hungry seal hunts for fish,a the Hag said. aAnd somewhere, a school of fish hides from her, wise enough to find the concealment of an underwater reef and wait until she pa.s.ses. Call the seal toward that hiding place. Then bring one fish out to her. Only one.a aBut aa Seals? Fish? My gift was not to call creatures, only Good Folk.
aNo ordinary seal. And among a school of ordinary fish, one that is not quite a fish. You have learned much, Neryn. Find them. Call them.a aBut thena"a aThere will be death? Do you imagine these gulls feed their young in the nest without the deaths of fish? Do the seals swim from isle to far isle without taking a meal on the way? Do those folk up in the village keep their sheep and chickens for their suppertime conversation?a This had nothing to do with seals eating fish or human folk eating chickens. Shead implied those were Good Folk down there, Good Folk in the shape of creatures. I hated this. But if I were eventually to send Good Folk into battle, I must summon the will to do it.
With eyes closed, I breathed with the ocean. In my mind, I drifted with the gulls on the swell. The waves cradled me, until I dived beneath into a realm of light and shadow, a mysterious place of drifting weed and sudden darting fish. I was one with the water. Its power ran in my veins; my heart beat with its ebb and flow.
I sought the hungry seal and found her not far from the rocks at the cliffas base, swimming slowly, sensing the fish nearby but unable to find them. Held her in my mind, her sleek body, her need for sustenance, her knowledge of her young one, waiting for her return. And the fish; there they were, under a rock shelf, in darkness. Safe. Call one fish out to her. One that does not belong.
They were all the same. Narrow pale bodies, round eyes, delicate fins. Quiet together. I wrapped my mind around them, fluid as water, and felt it: one here was not the fish it appeared to be. Into my open thoughts came a cross little voice, saying Caame oot tae me death, would ye, and for naethina but a bittie learnina?
I nearly stood up and said I wanted none of it then. But I did not. I stayed strong, and called the wee one out from under the reef. The seal took it in one bite.
aAh,a said the Hag, drawing a breath like a sigh, as if she had witnessed it all at first hand. aIt gets no easier, la.s.sie. But youall have the strength for it. When the time comes, you surely will.a I learned to summon the small strange creatures of rock shelf and skerry. I learned to call the beings of sh.o.r.e and cliff face. A sizable clan of uncanny folk lived there, concealed in c.h.i.n.ks and crannies, existing alongside the roosts of seabirds. Gulls would rise, startled, as a stony visage or mossy head poked up out of the rocks to look about.
Sometimes Herself would take me out in the boat and make me call beings of the deep, fey ocean creatures with long fronded tentacles that would swim alongside us awhile, moving with their own stately grace. I learned to control my seasickness. I learned to keep my breathing steady, though the boat still scared me. I learned to concentrate on the call and block out everything else. Sometimes creatures died because of what I did, though only in the natural way of those that live in the ocean or on the sh.o.r.e. I was not sure she understood what this cost me. But sometimes I thought perhaps she knew all too well, since I had done the same when I bid the stanie mon fall, and when the river being drowned one man and turned two into fish at my request. I learned that in the end, only I was responsible for my actions.
Herself was good at springing surprisesa"the sudden appearance of the selkie on the boat, come from nowhere at all; an abrupt change from calm to storm, so I nearly fell overboard; a flock of gulls swooping down to circle me, squawking, as I attempted a particularly difficult call.
aYou must be prepared for anything,a she told me. aThe expected, the unexpected. The sudden shock; the betrayal that creeps up on you with gradual pace, so itas at your back door before you recognize it.a She reached out to take my hands in hers. aBe as fluid as water, and as strong. Nothing stops water. Water is eternal.a When Talias rock was covered in a forest of scratches, there came a day when my teacher made me stand at the cave mouth with my eyes shut from early morning until the sun was in the west, its rays warm on my face. A long vigil: I knew I was being tested.
Her instruction, when it came, was familiar. aFind a shoal of fish, swimming northward now beyond the headland there. All are fey. Among them, find one with a red dot below its left eye.a Far quicker now from daily practice, I had it soon enough. The glittering shoal, and the tiny minds quite alien to my own. One among the many had a slightly greater s.p.a.ce around it, as if its fellows shrank a little from it. The small red mark.
aFollow this creature as the others leave it.a They swam off, sunlight through the water catching their movement and turning it to a shining streak before they vanished. One fish left alone, a tiny speck in the immensity of the sea.
aFollow him.a This was harder; the creature was so tiny, and he swam in short, panicky darts, now here, now almost out of sight. I bent all my will on tracking him as he moved through the water. I was the water. I was his terror, his need for survival.