He smiled weakly, squeezing my hand. Thanks. Thanks.
Of course, there was still that gay elephant in the room. But Seb hadn"t brought it up, so I wasn"t going to. And I knew Suzie had enough common sense to keep that from his grandmother. At least for now.
She glanced at us in her rearview mirror. She couldn"t read Seb like I could, but the way I"d captured his hand and refused to let it go probably gave her a clue.
"We"ll stay as long as you feel comfortable, Sebastian. I did get the background check and clearance for an overnight visit, if you wanted, but that won"t happen today."
Seb"s fingers tugged out of my grip with some force, and he reached for the whiteboard at his feet. Using the attached marker, he scrawled, dus she wont? dus she wont?
"She wants us to stay for an overnight visit?" I read aloud for Suzie. I added the us us because I couldn"t stand the thought of Seb being alone with some strange people, especially people who had caused his mother to run away. because I couldn"t stand the thought of Seb being alone with some strange people, especially people who had caused his mother to run away.
Suzie nodded. "She does, eventually."
The dread in my heart began to solidify, and suddenly I was grabbing Seb"s hand for my own comfort instead of his. She wanted him to stay the night. Which meant she probably wanted him to stay, permanently. permanently.
Seb wasn"t in a mood to talk, so I concentrated on the orange and red mountains dotted with scraggly patches of green. That plant-life just kept fighting for its chance to exist, roots clinging to life around all the clay and rocks. I wanted to cling to Seb that way...but not at the cost of his happiness.
Eventually we drove into a community of small, older homes. Nothing very special, and I knew a poorer neighborhood when I saw one. Still, the houses were fairly well kept, and the families of various shades of brown scattered across yards and porches seemed at ease with their surroundings.
"Looks nice here," I whispered to Seb. He raised a doubtful brow. "I mean, not like fancy or anything...but nice and normal."
We both grinned. Normal Normal wasn"t really our normal. But it did hold promise. wasn"t really our normal. But it did hold promise.
Suzie pulled her Corolla into the driveway of a squat little bungalow and the engine went off, sputtering a few times before we were left in silence.
"Remember Sebastian, if this is too much for you at any time, I want you to let me or Alex know, okay? I don"t want you to get overwhelmed."
She didn"t want him to retreat in on himself, is what she meant. And maybe it was a risk to be bringing him here so soon after he"d settled into any sort of routine as a fully-functional person, but I didn"t really think he"d disappear again. Not unless his grandmother turned around and smacked him or something.
I shuddered. Who was I supposed to tell if this was too much for me me?
A woman emerged from the house. She stopped a few feet from the car and clasped her hands together as she waited for us to come out.
"That"s your cousin, Diane," Suzie said. I"d seen a picture, but she looked a little older in person, even if she"d shoved her hair into pigtails.
My fingers clenched around Seb"s one last time before I rapidly drew them away. There"d be no more handholding while we were here.
Suzie got out and greeted Diane as Seb and I followed more slowly.
"Don"t be scared," I whispered, feeling his presence close behind me. Again, it was more for myself than for him.
Diane was a cheerful brunette, with an over-enthusiastic smile and a shine to her eyes that probably meant she"d be crying sometime soon. Her skin was beige and it was hard to pin down her ethnicity, but there were hints of something exotic in her mix.
"h.e.l.lo, Alex, right?" She smiled at me first, since Seb was still hanging back. "Suzie told me what a good friend you"ve been to Sebastian." I shot a look at Suzie that she pretended not to notice. "I"m Sebastian"s first cousin once removed...though I guess maybe I feel more like an aunt. I"m an only child, so I don"t have any actual nieces or nephews..." she trailed off, either because she knew she was rambling, or because she was busy peeking over my shoulder to get a better view of Seb.
I turned to him. "Don"t be so shy." Even as the words came out, my mind fought back. Hide! Act cold and uninterested and then maybe we can go back to our regular messed-up lives! Hide! Act cold and uninterested and then maybe we can go back to our regular messed-up lives!
He stepped around me, and Diane held out her hand. "It"s so nice to meet you, Sebastian."
Seb eyed her for a moment, and it occurred to me this might"ve been one of the few times anyone had greeted him like that-like he was fully self-aware instead of just special. special.
His gaze drifted to me-for rea.s.surance, I guessed. I gave him a tight nod.
With a hesitant grip, he shook her hand.
The front door opened again and an older woman walked onto the porch. She was a little darker than Diane, with the same long, straight hair Seb had drawn for his mother, though this woman"s was streaked with silver. She also had the same almond eyes, and the same sharp angles in her face.
Definitely a family resemblance.
She walked slowly, but not like she suffered from arthritis. More like someone who"d seen enough in her life to know you didn"t let moments like this fly by. Regal to the last step, her small, st.u.r.dy body came to a stop in front of Seb, where she looked him over from head to toe.
Her black eyes became two reflective pools as they filled with emotion. "My grandson," she rasped in a strange-sounding gulp of air.
"Holy s.h.i.t," I mumbled, but thankfully it was under my breath. Then I added a little louder, "We didn"t think you could talk."
His grandmother"s hands started to fly about, and Diane jumped in a second later. "She prefers to sign now. I"m so very happy to meet you, Sebastian. I never imagined I"d get this chance. You look very much like Selena-your mother."
I saw the anxiety lift from Seb"s features, his brows perking up with curiosity. There was no way to deny it now-this really was his family.
"Why don"t we head inside?" Suzie suggested.
Obediently, we all filed in. A tray with iced tea and cookies was set out in the living room, where Seb and I stiffly took our seats.
I didn"t find anything too unexpected inside the small house. The dark floors shone with a fresh layer of what smelled like orange oil, and a couple of paintings of Native American huts hung in frames on the wall. Nothing looked expensive, but all the furniture was real hardwood and it was old, the scratches of time carefully recoated with stain and finish. Some tarnished silver platters sat next to a row of books on a shelf, along with an old wooden crucifix propped up in the corner.
That last sight did cause some concern. I hadn"t gone to church in almost ten years, so the G.o.d I called upon in moments of need didn"t scare me. But the one usually tied to that crucifix made me uncomfortable, if only because the people I"d known who clung to it-like Jose"s mother-would never have accepted me as I was.
And how would Seb be accepted here? I bit down on the inside of my cheek as fear started to grow.
"Would you like some iced tea?" Diane asked, pouring us all gla.s.ses before we could respond. "It"s getting hot out there, isn"t it?"
Seb"s grandmother quietly walked over to her bookshelf and pulled down a large alb.u.m. She handed it to Seb as she sat beside him.
Her hands danced again, and Diane translated. "I"d like for you to look through it and see pictures of Selena."
Seb"s chest rose and fell a few times before he cracked open the spine. On the first page were a bunch of baby photographs, two tiny footprints, and a lock of brown hair. His fingers slid toward the hair, and when he touched it, he inhaled sharply.
Then he started flying through the pages, hunching over to study them and partially blocking my view. I caught sight of a beautiful, dark-haired child, occasionally surrounded by friends, including a skinny girl with pigtails and braces. The ages progressed, and I gathered that the gangly girl was Diane. The gorgeous one was Seb"s mother, obviously, and when Seb arrived at one of her in her late teens, he reached under the plastic covering and yanked it out.
Cupping the photo in his palm, he bit his lip, probably to keep it from trembling.
"She was so beautiful," Diane murmured. "And such a good person." The tears I"d predicted were making an appearance, and she grabbed at a napkin to dab them away. "We were like sisters, growing up. I used to live here with her and Aunt Maria after my mom pa.s.sed away."
Seb"s grandmother-Maria-took her hand and smiled in comfort.
Seb flipped forward a couple more pages, keeping the photograph of his mother in his lap. He stopped again when he saw a few of her looking thin and frail, her long dark hair drowning out a weak smile.
Maria explained as Diane interpreted. "I didn"t realize at first. I was a fool. I was too busy working and she wanted to be young and free and I"d always trusted her. I should have asked more questions, I should have figured out sooner-"
"No, no," Diane interrupted her own translation. "I"m the one who knew. I knew the kind of people she was hanging out with. I knew what they did...I just never thought that...that it"d take her away away like that..." like that..."
"You were a child," Maria whispered in her breathy voice.
"Seb?" Suzie placed her iced tea on the coffee table and leaned toward him. "Are you all right?"
He was frozen, still staring at the photograph, but he broke from the moment and gave her a nod.
"Maybe we should save some of this discussion for another visit," Suzie began.
Now he shot me a pleading look, shaking his head. No. I"m fine. Tell her I can handle this. No. I"m fine. Tell her I can handle this.
"Um...I think he wants to know." I ventured into the conversation warily. I felt like an intruder, sitting there in front of the sculpted wood coffee table and the homemade cookies and the book full of some other family"s memories.
Diane s.n.a.t.c.hed another napkin. "We did what we could. I tried to talk to her, and things seemed better for a while. Maria spent every penny she had in savings to send her to that fancy rehab...but then she just ran away. And she was eighteen, so the cops wouldn"t do anything."
Seb"s fingers began to twitch, and I realized he"d left the whiteboard in the car. I scrambled up to retrieve it for him, eager for the chance to get away.
Because it was all starting to come together now. Drugs had robbed Selena of the nice, loving family in that little home. And then they"d robbed Seb of his family, too. And it was a tragedy, of course...but it seemed like it was no one"s fault, and there was nothing really standing in the way of Suzie putting what was left of that family back together.
It wasn"t jealousy, but there was something souring in my stomach.
I returned and handed the board to Seb, then watched over his shoulder as he wrote, she wus a gud mom. she wus a gud mom. Before he could display it, I grabbed the marker and changed the Before he could display it, I grabbed the marker and changed the u u in in wus wus into an into an a a, just because it seemed like a word he"d need often. Unless Maria and Diane taught him some of that sign language. Maybe he wouldn"t need me at all, then.
Seb flipped the board for them to see, and both women nodded, tears springing to their eyes. I didn"t know how good she could"ve been, considering the way she"d left Seb...but I supposed we all told ourselves those little partial truths to make life easier.
Diane got up next, returning with a couple of yearbooks so we could go back to a happier period of time. She opened one to an elementary school picture of Selena-with a flashy side ponytail, and Seb cracked a smile. His finger moved down to trace her name: Selena Woods. Woods. Since there was no father in Seb"s life, it might as well have been his last name, too. Since there was no father in Seb"s life, it might as well have been his last name, too.
Sebastian Woods. He wasn"t a mystery child anymore.
When we"d been through what felt like a thousand pictures, we moved on to a brief tour of the house. There was a decent-sized backyard with an avocado tree and a chicken coop, a small kitchen tucked away in the far corner of the home, and two bedrooms. The second of those was a guest room, but I had a feeling it"d been set up for one guest in particular.
Seb took a step inside and craned his neck to look at it from every angle. It had been his mother"s room, once. Now, the walls were a grayish-blue, bathed in direct sunlight from a large window, and the bed was covered with a handmade quilt. There was a desk in the corner with what looked like a brand new computer sitting on top, parts of it still in the packaging. New notebooks and pens lined the shelf, along with a framed portrait of Selena, young and smiling and happy.
The room was meant for Seb. The family was meant for Seb. And I was meant to...let him have it.
I didn"t speak through the dinner of mashed potatoes and roast beef. Seb"s grandmother didn"t add much to the conversation, either, but that was probably because Diane basically never shut up. She wanted to tell us all about her father who cared for her but couldn"t have raised a girl on his own, and Maria who was the second mother she"d been so lucky to have, and the little house she"d moved into down the road. And about how excited she was to have another cousin after all these years, and how she couldn"t wait to show him around the neighborhood, to all those places she and Selena had liked to hang out at when they were kids.
Somewhere in the middle of a tale about a snake on Selena"s favorite hiking trail, Seb yawned.
"He"s tired," I announced, surprised by the volume of my voice. I hadn"t meant to be that loud, or that excited. But Seb"s yawn held the promise of leaving, and I couldn"t wait to be alone with him again, to hold him and kiss him and slip back into the private little peace we"d found in each other"s arms.
His grandmother bobbed her head in agreement.
"Maybe he could rest in the bedroom for a while?" Diane suggested.
Suzie nodded. "That sounds like a good idea. And Alex, maybe you might like to watch some TV in the living room? I do have some things I need to discuss with Maria and Diane."
f.u.c.k.
Diane came with us and ushered Seb into the bedroom. "If there"s anything you need, we put a bell by the nightstand." She flashed him that overly bright smile as she headed out, her hand on my shoulder to drag me along.
"No cable, I"m afraid," she chattered on, seating me on the couch and handing me a remote. "But you just make yourself at home."
And then she was off again, darting into the kitchen to get back to that discussing discussing she and Suzie had to do. she and Suzie had to do.
I didn"t even think about turning on the TV. Channeling all my energy into my hearing, I grasped wisps of conversation.
"I think a gradual transition would be best. From occasional visits to just weekends at first, to see how he adjusts."
"Of course. And we"d like to start as soon as possible."
"He still needs a lot of support. And right now, the psychiatrist is not recommending any sudden dramatic changes. The trauma he experienced as a child caused some deep psychological damage, and he really has only started to come out of it very recently-first with his friend Alex, and with everyone else, only for about a month."
There was a bit of whimpering-Diana, no doubt.
"We understand. We don"t want to do anything to upset his recovery...but we do want him to find a home here."
Going into self-defense mode, my brain tried to shut out the rest. The words "custody" and "adoption" managed to sneak through anyhow, and I eventually sank my head to my knees, breathing short, strained breaths into the dark s.p.a.ce between my legs.
It was Seb"s happily ever after. The only problem was, I wasn"t going to be a part of it.
And I shouldn"t even try. I should let him go, like I"d been prepared to do before. Step out of the shadow of his life and back into my own. I shouldn"t make his transition into his family any harder than it had to be. As my mother had done for me, I should cut ties and let him find a new happiness as a loved little boy, because sixteen wasn"t too old to have a childhood, so long as I wasn"t there trying to make us grow up even faster...
I jerked my head suddenly, though I didn"t know why until my eyes locked onto Seb, who was standing in the hallway that led to his bedroom. I tried to wipe the despair from my face but it was a lost cause.
He signaled for me.
I shook my head.
He motioned for me again, this time with more force. I said, come here. I said, come here.
Feeling like a scolded child, I got up and followed.
He was sitting on the bed by the time I got in there, under the covers, and he patted the spot beside him.
"That"s not such a good idea," I mumbled, looking at my shoes.
He rose quickly and shut the bedroom door. This time, he took me by the hand so he could force me onto the bed.
"Seb...we shouldn"t do this."
He wrapped his arm around me to push my body onto the mattress.
"Seb..."
His fingers moved against my back, giving me a gentle rub.
"Seb, you don"t understand. We can"t do this. We can"t do this here. You know there are people out there who don"t like...people like us."