12.
Peter returned home to Sidley Park in September after he could be sure that all his motheras houseguests had left. He wondered a little uneasily as his carriage approached the house if he was going to find it easya"or even possiblea"to share his home with his mother now that he had made a decision to settle here. He loved her dearly, but she had always ruled Sidley as though it were her own domain and everyone in it as though she were a supreme deity who knew what was best for them. It was a good thing she had ruled her children with a loving as well as a firm handa"though that very fact, of course, would make it harder to exert his will against her now.
But why antic.i.p.ate problems when they did not even exist yet?
When his carriage drew to a halt before the house and the coachman opened the door, Peter did not even wait for the steps to be set down but vaulted out onto the cobbled terrace like an eager boy home from a dreary term at school.
It did not take him long to discover that problems did indeed exist.
His mother had been alleviating the tedium of her days since the departure of the houseguests by having the drawing room refurbished with a preponderance of pink colorings and frills. Most notably there were frilly pink cushions everywhere, though even they were preferable to the pink curtains, which were pleated and ruched and frilled and scalloped in ways that made him feel slightly bilious.
aThis has always seemed such a plain, dark, gloomy room,a she explained, her arm linked through her sonas as she took him to inspect what had been done. aNow already it looks light and cheerful, would you not agree, my love? It will look even better when the portraits have been replaced with some pretty landscapes.a aWhere are the portraits going?a he asked her, masking the dismay he felt with a tone of polite interest. They were portraits of some of his ancestors, and he had always been proud of them, fascinated by them, and altogether rather fond of them. They were a link to his father, whom he could not remember, and to his heritage on his fatheras side, in which no one else but he had ever seemed interested.
aTo the attic,a she said. aI have always hated them. One does not need such gloomy reminders of the past, would you not agree, my love?a He grunted noncommittally.
The drawing room, he thoughta"though he did not say so alouda"looked like an oversize ladyas boudoir. It would look even more so with different pictures.
aWell, what do you think?a she asked, beaming up at him.
It was time, perhaps, to play ruthless lord and master. But she looked so very happy and so very sure that he would be pleased too. And it was a mere room when all was said and done. He could live with a pink rooma"provided it was not the library or his bedchamber.
aIt is veryayou, Mama,a he said. It really was a room suited to her. She had always been prettya"she still wasa"and delicate and very feminine. Pink had always been her favorite color.
aI knew you would adore it,a she said, squeezing his arm. aIt is so good to have you home again. But, my love, it was most provoking of the Raycrofts to insist that you remain in Somerset when they knew you wished to be here. Our guests were very disappointed, especially Lady Larchwell, who was hoping, I daresay, that her daughter would take your eye. Miss Larchwell is a pretty young lady and modest too, considering the fact that her maternal great-grandfather was a duke. You would like her. You really ought to have a.s.serted yourself with the Raycrofts, you know. You are just too kindhearted for your own good.a aI must confess, Mama,a he said, athat I enjoyed my stay at Hareford House very much indeed.a aWell, of course you did,a she said, seating herself on a chair and almost sinking out of sight amid a pile of cushions. aThough I daresay the company was not very distinguished. It is not so here either now that all the houseguests are gone. I will be glad of your company, my love.a aWell, there are the Markhams,a he said. aI will certainly be happy to see Theo again. And there are the Harrises and the Mummerts and the Poles.a But his mother pulled a face and made no reply.
She had always behaved graciously enough toward their neighbors, but she had always treated them too with a condescension that spoke of the social distance she felt existed between them. The Markhams were a distinguished enough family, it was true, and had always been prominent in political circlesa"Theoas father had actually been a minister in the government for a number of years. But though there had been a time when his mother visited often at Fincham Manor and occasionally took him and his sisters with her, the relationship had cooled long ago. It was a pity. Theoas mother still lived at Fincham during the winter months, and she was much of an age with his mother. They might have been friends.
aAnd speaking of the Markhams,a he said, suddenly thinking of something, ado you remember Mr. Osbourne?a Her fingers stopped playing with the lace frill of one of the cushions, and she stared blankly at him.
aI cannot say I do,a she said.
aHe was the late Sir Charles Markhamas secretary for a number of years,a he explained.
aWas he?a She gave the matter some thought, but then shrugged and shook her head. aThen I would not have known him, would I?a aYou scolded me once,a he said, awhen he was teaching Theo and me to write in some fancy script in his study. You came dashing in and then were very upset because you had thought we were up in Theoas room when instead we were breathing in ink fumes and probably giving ourselves a headache.a aYou had very delicate health, my love,a she said. aI always feared for you, especially if I could not find you where I expected you to be. But I do not remember that particular incident.a aAnd then there was the time,a he said, awhen I was home from school for a week and went over to Fincham with youa"without the girlsa"only to discover that Theo did not have a school holiday and Edith was away at a birthday party somewhere. I went riding off on one of the horses from the stable to run an errand with Mr. Osbournea"I daresay I told him I had your permission or else he thought that at my age I did not need it. You were so upset by the time we came back that I believe you were actually ill after we came home. It was the last time I saw him.a aOh?a she said. aWas he dismissed? I daresay he ought to have been.a aHe died,a he said. aSuddenly. Of a heart attack.a aOh?a she said. aThat was unfortunate. But what can have put a mere secretary into your mind years after his death? Do be a love and ring for the tea tray.a He did so without answering her question. It made perfect sense, of course, that she would not remember a man who had really been no more than a glorified servant. It was even less likely that she would remember Susanna Osbournea"not that he had been about to mention her name to his mother.
He was trying hard to forget it himselfa"or at least the guilt with which he remembered it.
He called upon all his neighbors in the coming weeks. The Harrises told him about their recent stay at Tunbridge Wells, the Mummerts wanted to know about all the latest fashions in London, since they were planning to spend a few weeks there in the spring, and the Poles regaled him with stories of the exploits of their numerous grandchildren. They were all perfectly amiable, but none of them issued any invitations to him to dine or play cards or join them at any other entertainment. It had never been donea"he was Viscount Whitleaf and as far above them in station as the stars. Everything in their manner during his visits demonstrated an almost awed respect. All of them a.s.sured him that they were deeply honored that he had called. But he issued no invitations eithera"his mother would be uncomfortable, even upset, about having her house invaded by inferior company.
Her house!
It was his!
Dash it all, it was harder than he thought to change his way of thinking. Sidley had been his motheras domain since her marriage. And though it had been his property for twenty-three years, for eighteen of those he had been a minor and it was only natural that his mother remain in charge.
Why the devil had he not told his uncles and his mother when he turned twenty-one that he was far too young to think of marriage but that he was at exactly the right age to take over the running of his own life and home and estate? It would have been easy then. It would have been the natural thing to do. It was what everyone had surely been prepared for.
Or why, when he had decided not to marry, had he not told his mother quite firmly that she was going to have to find somewhere else to live than the main house at Sidley?
But of course he had been too young for all of it. His life had been effectively lived for him for twenty-one years. How could he have developed the wisdom overnight to act as he ought?
He called one day at Fincham and was delighted to find Theo at home. Edith was no longer there, of course. She had married Lawrence Morley two years ago and now lived in Gloucestershire with her husband. Lady Markham was currently there with her, lending her support after the recent birth of Edithas first child.
Peter called several times after that first visit and sometimes went riding with his longtime friend. On one of those occasions he asked the same question he had raised with his mother.
aDo you remember Osbourne?a he asked.
aWilliam Osbourne?a Theo asked. aMy fatheras secretary, do you mean?a aI rather liked him,a Peter said. aHe always had time for us, if you remember. It was a pity about his death.a Theo leaned forward out of his saddle to open a gate into a field so that they could ride across country instead of having to keep to the dusty lane.
aIt was a tragedy,a he agreed. aAvoidable too, as such deaths always are. Though I do not suppose he saw it that way, poor fellow.a aHe could have avoided it?a Peter asked.
aEasily,a Theo said dryly, as he shut the gate behind them. aBy not putting that bullet through his brain.a aHe killed himself?a Peteras hands tightened so suddenly upon the reins that his horse reared up and he had to struggle to keep his seat and bring it back under control.
aYou did not know?a Theo was frowning when Peter finally looked back at him. aNo one told you?a aOnly that he had died,a Peter said.
aHmm.a Theo continued on his way across the field. aThat makes sense, I suppose. You were always sheltered from any unpleasantness, werenat you? What put you in mind of him now, anyway?a aI ran into his daughter this summer,a Peter said.
aSusanna?a Theo said. aI was under the impression she had fallen off the ends of the earth, poor girla"though I suppose she is a woman now. Edith was inconsolable, apparently, when she ran off, and my mother was frantic. Fortunately I was away at school and missed all the drama. I was sorry about Osbourne, though. He was a decent fellow.a aWhy did he kill himself?a Peter asked.
aAll sorts of unlikely possibilities were suggested to me when I asked the same question at the time,a Theo said. aEither no one knew the real reason or else everyone was being very cagey about it. He had to be buried in unconsecrated grounda"which probably did not matter much to him but would have been hard on Susanna if she had stayed for the funeral. Apparently she did not. Anyway, should we change the subject?a They did not refer to it again either on that afternoon or on any subsequent occasion. But Peter was left wondering what the devil could have been so dire in Osbourneas life that he had put an end to it despite the fact that he had a daughter to support. Her running away was a little more understandable now, though. Her father had committed suicidea"a nasty sin according to Church doctrine. Poor childa"running off to London and trying to find employment there. If Lady Hallmere was indeed responsible for sending her to Miss Martinas school in Bath, then he would forever feel kindly toward her.
But he still tried hard not even to think of Susanna Osbournea"or of what he had done to her the day before she left Barclay Court.
He spent some time out on the home farm, though not as much as he would have liked. The harvest was almost all in and it would have seemed mildly ridiculous to jump in to help now, all energy and enthusiasm, when there was very little left to do.
He spent some time with his steward and went over all the books with him, despite the fact that he carefully examined each monthly report that was sent him. But Millingsworth had been appointed by Peteras guardians when he was a very young child. The man was organized, efficient, knowledgeable, and experienced and looked upon Petera"or so it seemeda"as if he were still a boy whose presence in his domain was a slight nuisance that had to be endured only because he was the official employer.
When he was in the house, his mother hovered over him, worried that he was not eating properly or dressing in a manner appropriate to the weather or giving serious enough thought to his futurea"to marrying well and setting up his nursery, that was. She was careful to see to it that the servants answered his every summons promptly, that his every whim was catered to, that he was served the very best of everything at mealtimes even if the portion in question had already been set on her plate. She came close to tears if he ever decided to set foot outdoors when it was raining or damp or when the wind was blowing at any force above the merest breeze. She even appeared in the library doorway one night well after midnight when he was reading to ask him if he did not think it was time he went to bed as he knew how easily he got a headache the next day if he stayed up too late at night.
It was all horribly irksome. Perhaps he would have faced it all and dealt with it all if he had not been so mortally depressed. But despite the enthusiasm with which he had jumped from his carriage on his arrival, he could not shake off the gloom he had carried with him from Hareford House.
Everything seemed somehow ruined.
Finally, after a few weeks, he thought to himselfa"and his reasoning seemed quite sounda"that he might as well leave until the new year when he could be present for all the upcoming spring planning. A new year would be a better timea"the perfect timea"for starting the new life he had promised himself. He might even go back for Christmas. Some of his sisters were sure to be there, and he was fond of thema"and of his numerous nieces and nephews.
And so he drifted off back to London, using as an excuse the fact that he needed to visit his tailor and his bootmaker. There he lived a life of increasingly busy idleness as he searched out one diversion after another. It was surprising how many could be found even during such an unseasonable month as October.
There was a comfortable familiarity about such a life.
Except that diversions did not always divert.
Activities that had always amused him well enough before suddenly seemed to have lost their power to distract his mind from his overall dissatisfaction with the way his life was proceeding.
His motheras letters informed him that the new paintings had arrived for the drawing room, which was now looking so much lovelier than any other room in the house that she was considering making changes to the dining room next.
Good Lord, he was going to have to do something to stop her.
Barbara, his eldest sister, who happened to spend a few days in London with her husband during the autumn, mentioned Christmas.
aYou will be at Sidley, I hope,a she said. aClarence and I will be there with the children, and it will be too, too dreary if you are not also there, Peter. Besides, Mama is inviting other guests, and it is only right that you be there as host.a aOther guests?a He grimaced. aWho is she this time?a Barbara clucked her tongue while Clarence waggled his eyebrows at his brother-in-law and held his peace.
aI have no idea,a she said. aBut there will be someone, of course. Mama is concerned about you, Peter. She wants to see you well settled. It is foolish of you to be stubborn merely because you did not like Bertha Grantham five years ago and did not admit it until the last possible moment.a None of his sisters had any idea what had happened on that occasion, and he had no wish to enlighten any of them.
Peter met his brother-in-lawas eyes again and watched one of them depress in a slow wink.
aIall choose my own bride in my own good time, Barb,a he said. aIall think about Christmas.a But thinking about brides made him feel more wretched than ever. In the almost two months since he had left Somerset, he had still not recovered from his terrible sense of guilt.
Good Lord, he had debauched an innocent!
There were no excuses. None.
He felt sick whenever he thought of that afternoon on the wilderness walk. And it was almost impossible not to think of it at least a dozen times every day.
It seemed somehow worse to have learned that her father had killed himself. Not that that sad event was in any way his fault or linked to the events of the summer, but even soaHe had liked Osbourne. He liked the daughter.
Whenever such thoughts threatened to cause his head to explode, he went out again in search of another entertainment to take his mind off things.
Finally, at the end of October, he decided that a change of scenery might cheer him up and headed off to spend a week or two with his cousin Lauren, Viscountess Ravensberg, at Alvesley Park in Wiltshire, where she lived with Kit, her husband, and their children, and with Kitas parents, the Earl and Countess of Redfield. He had a standing invitation to go there and always enjoyed himself when he did.
They were fond of each other, he and Lauren, perhaps because they had been kept apart until he reached adulthood and discovered an invitation to her wedding among his pile of mail one day after he returned from one of his walking tours. His mail had never come directly to him until he turned twenty-one, and he had never met Laurena"had hardly even heard of her, in fact, except as the possibly illegitimate daughter of a mother of loose morals: widow of his fatheras elder brother, a former Viscount Whitleaf. He had gone to the wedding, though he had arrived only just in time, and discovered that Lauren was lovely and charming and most definitely not illegitimatea"her eyes were the exact same unusual color and shade as his own.
He went to Alvesley now to stay and did indeed enjoy himself therea"spending hours in company with Lauren and the Countess of Redfield, playing with the three children, riding and discussing farming business and politics with Kit and the earl, visiting neighbors, including the Duke and d.u.c.h.ess of Bewcastle, playing with their baby, much to the amus.e.m.e.nt of the d.u.c.h.ess and her sister, Miss Thompson, who remarked with a laugh that the babe was habitually too cross to be anyoneas favorite except his mama and papaas. And his grandmamaas, Mrs. Thompson added reproachfully.
Though enjoyment, of course, seemed to be a relative term these days. He still could not shrug off his underlying feeling of restlessness and dissatisfaction with himself.
And then fate took a startlingly strange hand in his destiny.
Perhaps it ought not to have startled him quite as much as it did. Already, soon after his arrival, he had discovered the almost incredibly coincidental fact that he had just missed seeing Sydnam Butler, Laurenas brother-in-law, who had been home for a week with his new bride, the former Miss Anne Jewell, a teacher at Miss Martinas School for Girls in Batha"and one of Susannaas particular friends, Peter remembered. And already, on visiting Bewcastle, he had remembered the connection Susanna had felt existed between the school and Lady Hallmere, Bewcastleas sister.
But then, almost a week into his stay, he learned that Lauren and the d.u.c.h.ess between them had just finalized plans for a surprise wedding breakfast in honor of the newlyweds, who had married quietly and by special license in Bath. Lauren was involved because Sydnam was her brother-in-law, the d.u.c.h.ess because he was the steward at Bewcastleas Welsh estate.
Their plan was to gather as many relatives and friends in Bath as they could muster on short notice, lure the bride and groom there on some pretext, and then surprise them with a grand celebration of their marriage at the Upper a.s.sembly Rooms.
aWe are all going from here,a Lauren explained one day during tea. aWe would love for you to come with us, Peter, would we not, Kit? But I understand that a journey to Bath and a wedding breakfast may hold out no great allure for you. Perhaps you would prefer to go home, though if you do go, I will feel that I have driven you away.a She laughed. aOh, will you come? To please me?a She would never know the turmoil her words had set up within him.
He was actually being inviteda"even urgeda"to go to Bath. But not just that. It seemed altogether probable that he would see Susanna there if he went. Surely as a friend and former colleague of the bride she would be invited to this wedding breakfast.
He could see her again.
She surely would not wish to see him, though, he reminded himself. By now she probably hated him as some sort of archvillain, and how could he blame her if she did? Dash it all, first he had debauched her, then he had made her a most improper offer, and then he had escorted her back to Barclay Court, bidden her a cheerful farewell in company with the Edgecombes, and gone riding off without a backward glance.
At the time he had convinced himself that it was because she had said it must be that way.
But he had guessed something about the newlyweds, though neither Lauren nor the d.u.c.h.ess was indiscreet enough actually to put it into words. The new Mrs. Butler was probably with childa"a fact that would explain both the haste and the secrecy of the nuptials. She had spent a month of the summer in Wales, he could recall Susannaas sayinga"doubtless on the very estate where Sydnam was steward. She had gone there with the Hallmeres, had she not?
And his suspicions led him suddenly to wonder if perhaps Susanna tooa The very thought was enough to cause his stomach to lurch into a somersault and leave him feeling decidedly queasy.
But surely if it were so she would have let him know. She would have written to him.
Would she?
He knew very well she would not.
Good Lord! d.a.m.n it to h.e.l.l! He should have thought of it sooner and made an effort to discover the truth for himself. That would have been the gentlemanly thing to doa"if there were a gentlemanly way to handle such a situation. Or had he thought of it and suppressed the ghastly possibility? He was not a total ignoramus after all, was he? He knew what frequently resulted when men slept with women.
Perhaps he had a.s.sumed that if he suppressed the thought, the whole ghastly possibility would just go away.
All these jumbled thoughts and counterthoughts flashed through his head in a mere second or two while he smiled cheerfully back at Lauren.
aI have nothing better to do with myself,a he said, aand I would like to see Sydnam again and wish him happy. Yes, I would be delighted to go with you.a He had thought he would never see Susanna Osbourne again.
He had even thought that within a week or two he might forget how badly he had treated her. Perhaps it was to his credit that he had not done so, though he certainly did not congratulate himself too highly on that score.
But now he was going to Bath. And he almost certainly was going to see her once more.
It was necessary that he do so, he told himself. He would far rather go somewhere else. But he did need to discover if he had done her any lasting harm, and it really was too bad of him that he had left it so long.
Oh, dash it all! What if?a Yes, indeed.
What if?
13.
Susanna returned to Bath in the Earl of Edgecombeas well-sprung traveling carriage. By the time it rocked to a halt outside the school on Daniel Street, she had tucked away all her raw, bruised emotions deep inside herself and was able to smile as the door opened and Mr. Keeble peered out. Almost immediately Claudia and then Anne came hurrying past him out onto the pavement, both beaming happily as they waited to hug her.
All her emotions were generally happy ones for the next little while as she a.s.sured her friends and then the girls, whom she joined in the middle of their tea, that she was very delighted to be back even though she had had an absolutely marvelous time in Somerset. And they all looked delighted to see her. She felt enveloped in familiarity and love.
She was home.
And from this moment on she would have plenty with which to occupy her mind. There was a whole busy school term to plan for and look forward to.
The journey, comfortable as the earlas carriage undoubtedly was, had been dreadful. With only herself for company, she had been unable to stop the memories of the past two weeks from churning around and around in her heada"particularly, of course, the memory of that last afternoon. She could still scarcely believe that it had actually happeneda"that she had allowed it to happen. But it hada"and she had. She had been aware with every turn of the carriage wheels that she was moving farther and farther from hima"which was a foolish thought indeed when they had always been universes apart.
Even when they were children his sister had been horrified to see them playing together and had dragged him away.
She had had her great adventure, her grand romance of a lifetime, Susanna decided with great good sense once she was back home, and now it was time to get back to reality.
And yet her determination to be cheerful was tested the very evening of her return. Claudia had gone out to dine with the parents of one of the new pupils, and Anne had invited Susanna to come and sit in her room for a while after all the girls had gone to their dormitory.