Soldiers Three.
by Rudyard Kipling.
THE G.o.d FROM THE MACHINE
Hit a man an" help a woman, an" ye can"t be far wrong anyways.--_Maxims of Private Mulvaney._
The Inexpressibles gave a ball. They borrowed a seven-pounder from the Gunners, and wreathed it with laurels, and made the dancing-floor plate-gla.s.s, and provided a supper, the like of which had never been eaten before, and set two sentries at the door of the room to hold the trays of programme-cards. My friend, Private Mulvaney, was one of the sentries, because he was the tallest man in the regiment. When the dance was fairly started the sentries were released, and Private Mulvaney went to curry favour with the Mess Sergeant in charge of the supper. Whether the Mess Sergeant gave or Mulvaney took, I cannot say. All that I am certain of is that, at supper-time, I found Mulvaney with Private Ortheris, two-thirds of a ham, a loaf of bread, half a _pate-de-foie-gras_, and two magnums of champagne, sitting on the roof of my carriage. As I came up I heard him saying--
"Praise be a danst doesn"t come as often as Ord"ly-room, or, by this an"
that, Orth"ris, me son, I wud be the dishgrace av the rig"mint instid av the brightest jool in uts crown."
"_Hand_ the Colonel"s pet noosance," said Ortheris. "But wot makes you curse your rations? This "ere fizzy stuff"s good enough."
"Stuff, ye oncivilised pagin! "Tis champagne we"re dhrinkin" now.
"Tisn"t that I am set ag"in. "Tis this quare stuff wid the little bits av black leather in it. I mis...o...b.. I will be distressin"ly sick wid it in the mornin". Fwhat is ut?"
"Goose liver," I said, climbing on the top of the carriage, for I knew that it was better to sit out with Mulvaney than to dance many dances.
"Goose liver is ut?" said Mulvaney. "Faith, I"m thinkin" thim that makes it wud do betther to cut up the Colonel. He carries a power av liver undher his right arrum whin the days are warm an" the nights chill. He wud give thim tons an" tons av liver. "Tis he sez so. "I"m all liver to-day," sez he; an" wid that he ordhers me ten days C. B. for as moild a dhrink as iver a good sodger tuk betune his teeth."
"That was when "e wanted for to wash "isself in the Fort Ditch,"
Ortheris explained. "Said there was too much beer in the Barrack water-b.u.t.ts for a G.o.d-fearing man. You was lucky in gettin" orf with wot you did, Mulvaney."
"Say you so? Now I"m pershuaded I was cruel hard trated, seein" fwhat I"ve done for the likes av him in the days whin my eyes were wider opin than they are now. Man alive, for the Colonel to whip _me_ on the peg in that way! Me that have saved the repitation av a ten times better man than him! "Twas ne-farious--an" that manes a power av evil!"
"Never mind the nefariousness," I said. "Whose reputation did you save?"
"More"s the pity, "twasn"t my own, but I tuk more trouble wid ut than av ut was. "Twas just my way, messin" wid fwhat was no business av mine.
Hear now!" He settled himself at ease on the top of the carriage. "I"ll tell you all about ut. Av coorse I will name no names, for there"s wan that"s an orf"cer"s lady now, that was in ut, and no more will I name places, for a man is thracked by a place."
"Eyah!" said Ortheris lazily, "but this is a mixed story wot"s comin"."
"Wanst upon a time, as the childer-books say, I was a recruity."
"Was you though?" said Ortheris; "now that"s extry-ordinary!"
"Orth"ris," said Mulvaney, "av you opin thim lips av yours again, I will, savin" your presince, Sorr, take you by the slack av your trousers an" heave you."
"I"m mum," said Ortheris. "Wot "appened when you was a recruity?"
"I was a betther recruity than you iver was or will be, but that"s neither here nor there. Thin I became a man, an" the divil of a man I was fifteen years ago. They called me Buck Mulvaney in thim days, an", begad, I tuk a woman"s eye. I did that! Ortheris, ye scrub, fwhat are ye sn.i.g.g.e.rin" at? Do you mis...o...b.. me?"
"Devil a doubt!" said Ortheris; "but I"ve "eard summat like that before!"
Mulvaney dismissed the impertinence with a lofty wave of his hand and continued--
"An" the orf"cers av the rig"mint I was in in thim days _was_ orf"cers--gran" men, wid a manner on "em, an" a way wid "em such as is not made these days--all but wan--wan o" the capt"ns. A bad dhrill, a wake voice, an" a limp leg--thim three things are the signs av a bad man. You bear that in your mind, Orth"ris, me son.
"An" the Colonel av the rig"mint had a daughter--wan av thim lamblike, bleatin", pick-me-up-an"-carry-me-or-I"ll-die gurls such as was made for the natural prey av men like the Capt"n, who was iverlastin" payin"
coort to her, though the Colonel he said time an" over, "Kape out av the brute"s way, my dear." But he niver had the heart for to send her away from the throuble, bein" as he was a widower, an" she their wan child."
"Stop a minute, Mulvaney," said I; "how in the world did you come to know these things?"
"How did I come?" said Mulvaney, with a scornful grunt; "bekase I"m turned durin" the Quane"s pleasure to a lump av wood, lookin" out straight forninst me, wid a--a--candelabbrum in my hand, for you to pick your cards out av, must I not see nor feel? Av coorse I du! Up my back, an" in my boots, an" in the short hair av the neck--that"s where I kape my eyes whin I"m on duty an" the reg"lar wans are fixed. Know! Take my word for it, Sorr, ivrything an" a great dale more is known in a rig"mint; or fwhat wud be the use av a Mess Sargint, or a Sargint"s wife doin" wet-nurse to the Major"s baby? To reshume. He was a bad dhrill was this Capt"n--a rotten bad dhrill--an" whin first I ran me eye over him, I sez to myself: "My Militia bantam!" I sez, "My c.o.c.k av a Gosport dunghill"--"twas from Portsmouth he came to us--"there"s combs to be cut," sez I, "an" by the grace av G.o.d,"tis Terence Mulvaney will cut thim."
"So he wint menowderin", and minanderin", an" blandandherin" roun" an"
about the Colonel"s daughter, an" she, poor innocint, lookin" at him like a Comm"ssariat bullock looks at the Comp"ny cook. He"d a dhirty little scrub av a black moustache, an" he twisted an" turned ivry wurrd he used as av he found ut too sweet for to spit out. Eyah! He was a tricky man an" a liar by natur". Some are born so. He was wan. I knew he was over his belt in money borrowed from natives; besides a lot av other matthers which, in regard for your presince, Sorr, I will oblitherate.
A little av fwhat I knew, the Colonel knew, for he wud have none av him, an" that, I"m thinkin", by fwhat happened aftherwards, the Capt"n knew.
"Wan day, bein" mortial idle, or they wud never ha" thried ut, the rig"mint gave amshure theatricals--orf"cers an" orf"cers" ladies. You"ve seen the likes time an" agin, Sorr, an" poor fun "tis for them that sit in the back row an" stamp wid their boots for the honour av the rig"mint. I was told off for to shif" the scenes, haulin" up this an"
draggin" down that. Light work ut was, wid lashins av beer and the gurl that dhressed the orf"cers" ladies--but she died in Aggra twelve years gone, an" my tongue"s gettin" the betther av me. They was actin" a play thing called _Sweethearts_, which you may ha" heard av, an" the Colonel"s daughter she was a lady"s maid. The Capt"n was a boy called Broom--Spread Broom was his name in the play. Thin I saw --ut come out in the actin"--fwhat I niver saw before, an" that was that he was no gentleman. They was too much together, thim two, a-whishperin" behind the scenes I shifted, an" some av what they said I heard; for I was death--blue death an" ivy--on the comb-cuttin". He was iverlastin"ly oppressing her to fall in wid some sneakin" schame av his, an" she was thryin" to stand out against him, but not as though she was set in her will. I wonder now in thim days that my ears did not grow a yard on me head wid list"nin". But I looked straight forninst me an" hauled up this an" dragged down that, such as was my duty, an" the orf"cers" ladies sez one to another, thinkin" I was out av listen-reach: "Fwhat an obligin"
young man is this Corp"ril Mulvaney!" I was a Corp"ril then. I was rejuced aftherwards, but, no matther, I was a Corp"ril wanst.
"Well, this _Sweethearts"_ business wint on like most amshure theatricals, an" barrin" fwhat I suspicioned, "twasn"t till the dhress-rehearsal that I saw for certain that thim two--he the blackguard, an" she no wiser than she should ha" been--had put up an evasion."
"A what?" said I.
"E-vasion! Fwhat you call an elopemint. E-vasion I calls it, bekaze, exceptin" whin "tis right an" natural an" proper, "tis wrong an" dhirty to steal a man"s wan child she not knowin" her own mind. There was a Sargint in the Comm"ssariat who set my face upon e-vasions. I"ll tell you about that--"
"Stick to the bloomin" Captains, Mulvaney," said Ortheris; "Comm"ssariat Sargints is low."
Mulvaney accepted the amendment and went on:--
"Now I knew that the Colonel was no fool, any more than me, for I was hild the smartest man in the rig"mint, an" the Colonel was the best orf"cer commandin" in Asia; so fwhat he said an" _I_ said was a mortial truth. We knew that the Capt"n was bad, but, for reasons which I have already oblitherated, I knew more than me Colonel. I wud ha" rolled out his face wid the b.u.t.t av my gun before permittin" av him to steal the gurl. Saints knew av he wud ha" married her, and av he didn"t she wud be in great tormint, an" the divil av a "scandal." But I niver sthruck, niver raised me hand on my shuperior orf"cer; an" that was a merricle now I come to considher it."
"Mulvaney, the dawn"s risin"," said Ortheris, "an" we"re no nearer "ome than we was at the beginnin". Lend me your pouch. Mine"s all dust."
Mulvaney pitched his pouch over, and filled his pipe afresh.
"So the dhress-rehearsal came to an end, an", bekaze I was curious, I stayed behind whin the scene-shiftin" was ended, an" I shud ha" been in barricks, lyin" as flat as a toad under a painted cottage thing. They was talkin" in whispers, an" she was shiverin" an" gaspin" like a fresh-hukked fish. "Are you sure you"ve got the hang av the manewvers?"
sez he, or wurrds to that effec", as the coort-martial sez. "Sure as death," sez she, "but I mis...o...b.. "tis cruel hard on my father."
"d.a.m.n your father," sez he, or anyways "twas fwhat he thought, "the arrangement is as clear as mud. Jungi will drive the carr"ge afther all"s over, an" you come to the station, cool an" aisy, in time for the two o"clock thrain, where I"ll be wid your kit." "Faith," thinks I to myself, "thin there"s a ayah in the business tu!"
"A powerful bad thing is a ayah. Don"t you niver have any thruck wid wan. Thin he began sootherin" her, an" all the orf"cers an" orf"cers"
ladies left, an" they put out the lights. To explain the theory av the flight, as they say at Muskthry, you must understand that afther this _Sweethearts"_ nonsinse was ended, there was another little bit av a play called _Couples_--some kind av couple or another. The gurl was actin" in this, but not the man. I suspicioned he"d go to the station wid the gurl"s kit at the end av the first piece. "Twas the kit that fl.u.s.thered me, for I knew for a Capt"n to go trapesing about the impire wid the Lord knew what av a _truso_ on his arrum was nefarious, an" wud be worse than easin" the flag, so far as the talk aftherwards wint."
""Old on, Mulvaney. Wot"s _truso_?" said Ortheris.
"You"re an oncivilised man, me son. Whin a gurl"s married, all her kit an" "coutrements are _truso_, which manes weddin"-portion. An" "tis the same whin she"s runnin" away, even wid the biggest blackguard on the Arrmy List.
"So I made my plan av campaign. The Colonel"s house was a good two miles away. "Dennis," sez I to my colour-sargint, "av you love me lend me your kyart, for me heart is bruk an" me feet is sore wid trampin" to and from this foolishness at the Gaff." An" Dennis lent ut, wid a rampin", stampin" red stallion in the shafts. Whin they was all settled down to their _Sweethearts_ for the first scene, which was a long wan, I slips outside and into the kyart. Mother av Hivin! but I made that horse walk, an" we came into the Colonel"s compound as the divil wint through Athlone--in standin" leps. There was no one there excipt the servints, an" I wint round to the back an" found the girl"s ayah.
""Ye black brazen Jezebel," sez I, "sellin" your masther"s honour for five rupees--pack up all the Miss Sahib"s kit an" look slippy! _Capt"n Sahib"s_ order," sez I. "Going to the station we are," I sez, an" wid that I laid my finger to my nose an" looked the schamin" sinner I was.
_""Bote acchy,"_ says she; so I knew she was in the business, an" I piled up all the sweet talk I"d iver learnt in the bazars on to this she-bullock, an" prayed av her to put all the quick she knew into the thing. While she packed, I stud outside an" sweated, for I was wanted for to shif the second scene. I tell you, a young gurl"s e-vasion manes as much baggage as a rig"mint on the line av march! "Saints help Dennis"s springs," thinks I, as I bundled the stuff into the thrap, "for I"ll have no mercy!"
""I"m comin" too," says the ayah.