Fisher took it out of the post office an" read the postal card, an" she said right off as she did n"t approve of Mr. Fisher"s reading books as every man ought to know, so she let me have it to bring home an" read till she gets through makin" over her carpets. I brought the book home done up to look like it was a pie, an" I will frankly state, Mrs.
Lathrop, as you could have dropped me dead out of any balloon when I found out what it was about. It was n"t the kind of book the postal card would have led you to suppose a _tall_--it was about Asia, Mrs. Lathrop, the far side or the near side, just accordin" to the way you face to get the light while you read, an" so far from its bein" only intended for men it"s all right for any one at all to read as has got the time. Now that I"m done it an" know I have n"t never got to do it again, I don"t mind telling you in confidence that for a book as could n"t possibly have been meant to be interestin" it was about as agreeable readin" as I ever struck in my life. There was lots in it as was new to me, for it"s a thick book, an" all I knowed about that part of the world before was as Java coffee comes from Java an" the Philippines from Spain. But I know it all now, an" Judge Fitch himself can"t tell me nothin" from this day on that the man who wrote that book ain"t told me first. I"ll bet I know more about what that book "s about than any one in this community does, an" now that I know it I see why the man said what he did on the postal card for it _is_ a book as every man ought to read, an" I read in the paper the other day as the main trouble with the men in America was as they knowed all about what they did n"t know nothin" about, an" did n"t know nothin" a _tall_ about the rest."
"What--" began Mrs. Lathrop.
"But I don"t see how the man that wrote it is ever goin" to make any money out of it," pursued her friend, "for it"s pretty plain as it"s every bit written about things that Americans don"t want to really learn an" what the rest of the world learned long ago. If I was very patriotic I don"t believe I"d have read it clear through to the end myself, but I ain"t never felt any call to be patriotic since the boys throwed that firecracker into my henhouse last Fourth of July. I will say this for the hen, Mrs. Lathrop, an" that is that she took the firecracker a good deal calmer"n I could, for I was awful mad, an" any one as seed me ought to of felt what a good American was spoiled then an" there, for all I asked was to hit somethin", whether it was him as throwed the cracker or not an" that"s what Judge Fitch always calls the real American spirit when he makes them band-stand speeches of his in the square. Oh my, though, but I wish you had n"t reminded me of that hen, Mrs. Lathrop, her tail never will come in straight again I don"t believe, an" she"s forever hoppin" off her eggs to look out of the window since she had that scare."
Mrs. Lathrop frowned and looked very sympathetic.
"But about this book," Susan went on after a second of slightly saddened reflection. "I"m goin" to tell you all about it. Elijah "s goin" to write a editorial about it, too. Elijah says this business of downtreadin" our only colony has got to be stopped short right now as soon as he can call the government"s attention to how to do it.
"Well, the book begins very mild an" pleasant with Hongkong an" it ends with the Philippine accounts. Seems Hongkong ain"t Chinese for all it"s named that an" growed there--it"s English--an" as for the Philippines there"s eight millions of "em, not countin" the wild ones as they can"t catch to count an" ask questions. In between Hongkong an" the Philippines the man who wrote the book runs around that part of the world pretty lively an" tells who owns it an" what kind of roads they"ve got an" who"d better govern "em an" all like that. You might think from hearin" me as he sort of put on airs over knowin" so much himself, but it don"t sound that way a _tall_ in the book. It"s when he finally got to the Philippines as any one can see as he really did begin to enjoy himself. He enjoyed himself so much that he really made me enjoy myself, too, although I can"t in reason deny as I felt as I might not of been quite so happy only for that firecracker. The kind of things he says about our doin"s in those countries is all what you don"t get in the papers nor no other way, an" if the United States really feels they"re in the right as to how they"re actin" all they need to do is to read how wrong they are in that book where a man as really knows what he"s talkin" about has got it all set down in black an" white. I don"t believe it"s generally knowed here in America as Dewey took Aguinaldo an" his guns over to Manila an" give him his first start at fightin" an"
called him "general" for a long time after they"d decided in Washington as how he was n"t nothin" but a rebel after all. I never knowed anythin"
about that, an" I will remark as I think there"s many others as don"t know it, neither, an" I may in confidence remark to you, Mrs. Lathrop, as that book leads me to think as the main trouble with the Philippines is as they are bein" run by folks as don"t know anythin" about the place they"re runnin" an" don"t know nothin" about runnin" for anythin" but places. The man in the book says the Philippines ain"t very well off being pacified, an" that the Americans ain"t no great success pacifyin"
"em, for it seems as they made five thousand expeditions after "em in one year, an" only got hold of five thousand natives in all. That"s a expedition to a man, an" I will say, Mrs. Lathrop, as it"s small wonder we"re taxed an" they"re taxed, with some of our new fellow citizens as hard to grab as that. To my order of thinkin" it"d be wisest to let "em chase each other for ten or twenty years first an" then when they was pretty well thinned out we could step in an" settle with the survivors; but accordin" to the man who wrote the book you can"t never tell a American nothin", an" I must say that my own experience in this community has proved as he knows what he"s sayin" all straight enough.
He says the Philippines is in a very bad way, an" so is their roads, but he says that all the folks in this country is so dead satisfied with their way an" poor roads that they ain"t goin" to do nothin" to help either along any."
"Did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
"He says," continued Susan, "that the United States is just so happy sittin" back an" observin" the Philippines, an" the Philippines is so far off that if they die of starvation while being observed no one"ll ever be the wiser. He says the United States is payin" for the army, an"
the Philippines is tryin" to live with it, an" seein" as they don"t work much an" the Chinese is forbidden to work for "em, he don"t see no help nowhere. What he said about the Chinese was very interestin", for I never see one close to, an" it seems they"re a clean race only for likin" to raise pigs in their garrets. It seems, too, as if you let "em into any country they"ll work very hard an" live very cheap an" pay most of the taxes with the duty on opium as they"ve got to eat, an" games as they"ve got to play."
"I sh"d think--" said Mrs. Lathrop, looking startled.
"Well, I should, too," said Susan, "but accordin" to the book the Philippines ain"t to be allowed any such luxury as havin" the Chinese to develop their country an" pay their taxes. No sir, they"ve all got to go to school an" learn English first, an" although he says right out plain that the Philippines needs Chinese an" good roads a deal worse "n they need the army an" the schools, still it"s the army an" the schools as America is going to give them, an" they can get along without the roads an" the Chinese as best they can. They certainly must be gettin" a good deal of schoolin", but the man says all the teachers teach is English, an" as none of the children can speak English they don"t get much learned. I thought I could sort of see that he thought we "d ought to of straightened out the South of our own country afore we begun on any other part of the world, an" it _is_ the other half of the world, too, Mrs. Lathrop, for I looked it up on a map an" it begins right under j.a.pan an" then twists off in a direction as makes you wonder how under the sun we come to own it anyway, an" if we did accidentally get it hooked on to us by Dewey"s having too much steam up to be able to stop himself afore he"d run over the other fleet, we"d ought anyway to be willin" to give it away like you do the kittens you ain"t got time to drown. The whole back of the book is full of figures to prove as it"s the truth as has been told in front, but the man who wrote it didn"t think much of even the figures in the Philippines for he says they put down some of what they spend in Mexican money an" some in American an"
don"t tell what they spend the most of it for in either case. He says he met some very nice men there an" they was workin" the best they knew how but they did n"t think things were goin" well themselves an" it"s plain to be seen that he spoke of "em just like you give a child a cooky after a spankin". What interested me most was there"s a Malay country over there as the English began on twenty-five years ago an" have got railroaded an" telegraphed an" altogether civilized now, an" we"ve had the Philippines ten years an" ain"t even got the live ones quieted down yet."
"What do you--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, earnestly.
"Oh," said her friend, "I ain"t never had no ideas on the Philippine question since Judge Fitch got his brother made a captain in the war just because he was tired supportin" him. Mr. Kimball said then as all wars was just got up to use up the folks as respectable people did n"t want to have around no longer an" I must say as I believe him. Mr.
Weskin told me as it"s been quietly knowed around for hundreds of years as the crusades was a great success as far as gettin" "em off was concerned just for that very reason, an" I guess we"re hangin" on to the Philippines because it"s a place a good long ways off to send poor relations after good salaries. The man who wrote the book said a man did n"t need to know hardly anythin" to go there an" I must say from what I see of the few who have come back they don"t look like they spent much spare time studyin" up while they was in the country."
Susan stopped knitting suddenly and stuck her needles into the ball.
"I"ve got to go home," she said. "I"ve just remembered as I forgot to fill the tea-kettle. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, we"ve had a nice talk about our foreign possessions an" all I can say in the end is as that whole book made me feel just like we"d all ought to get to feel as quick as we can.
Lots of things in this world might be better only the people that could change "em don"t often feel inclined that way, an" the people who"d like to have a change ain"t the ones as have got any say. If I was a Philippine I"d want a Chinaman to do my work an" I"d feel pretty mad that folks as had so many n.i.g.g.e.rs an" Italians that they did n"t need Chinamen should say I could n"t have "em neither. I"d feel as if I knowed what was best for me an" I would n"t thank a lot of men in another part of the world for sittin" down on my ideas. However, there"s one thing that comforted me very much in the book. All the countries around _is_ run, an" pretty well run too, by other countries an" if the Philippines get too awful tired of being badly run by us all those of "em as know anythin" can easy paddle across to some of them well run countries in the front half of the book to live, an" as for the rest--"
Susan stopped short. Mrs. Lathrop was sound asleep!
CHAPTER X
THE EVILS OF DELAYED DECEASE
"I ain"t been doin" my duty by Mrs. Macy lately," said Susan Clegg to Mrs. Lathrop; "I declare to goodness I"ve been so did up with the garden an" Elijah an" house cleanin" this last two weeks that I don"t believe I"ve even thought of the other side of the crick since I begun. I ain"t seen Mrs. Macy either an" maybe that"s one reason why I ain"t done nothin" about her, but it ain"t surprisin" as I ain"t seen her for she ain"t been here--she"s been over in Meadville stayin" with the Lupeys, an" I must say I"m right put out with Elijah for not puttin" it in the paper so I"d of knowed it afore. The idea of Mrs. Macy bein" in Meadville for over a week an" me not hearin" of it is a thing as makes me feel as maybe when Gabriel blows his horn I"ll just merely sit up an"
say, "Did you call?" But anyway she"s been away an" she"s got back, an"
when I heard it in the square to-day I did n"t mince up no matters none but I just set my legs in her direction an" walked out there as fast as I could. It does beat all how many changes can come about in two weeks!--four more pickets has been knocked off the minister"s fence an"
most every one has hatched out their chickens since I was that way last, but I was n"t out picketin" or chickenin"; I was out after Mrs. Macy an"
I just kept a-goin" till I got to her."
"Was she--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
"Yes, she was," replied Susan, "an" thank the most kind an" merciful Heavens, there was n"t no one else there, so she an" I could just sit down together, an" it was n"t nothin" but joy for her to tell me hide an" hair an" inside out of her whole visit. She got back day before yesterday an" she had n"t even unpacked her trunk yet she was that wore out; you can judge from that how wore out she really is, for you know yourself, Mrs. Lathrop, as when Mrs. Macy is too wore out to dive head over heels into things, whether her own or other folks", she"s been pretty well beat down to the ground. She was mighty glad to see me, though, even if she did n"t come to the door, but only hollered from a chair, an" I don"t know as I ever had a nicer call on her, for she went over everythin" inside out an" hind side before, an" it was nothin" but a joy for me to listen, for it seems she had a pretty sad visit first an" last what with being specially invited to sit up an" watch nights with Mrs. Kitts an" then stay to the funeral--"
"Funeral!" cried Mrs. Lathrop,--"I nev--"
"For after bein" specially invited to help lay her out an" go to the funeral," Susan repeated calmly, "Mrs. Kitts did n"t die a _tall_."
"Oh!" said Mrs. Lathrop, terminating the whole of a remark, for once.
"No," said Susan, "an" every one else feels the same as you do about it, too, but it seems as it was n"t to be this time. Mrs. Macy says as she never went through nothin" to equal these ten days dead or alive, an"
she hopes so help her heaven to never sit up with anybody as has got anythin" but heart disease or the third fit of apoplexy hereafter. Why, she says Mr. Dill"s eleven months with Mrs. Dill flat on her back was a child playin" with a cat an" a string in comparison to what the Lupeys an" her have been goin" through with Mrs. Kitts these ten days. She says all Meadville is witness to the way she"s skinned "em down to the bone.
Mrs. Dill was give up by a doctor like a Christian, an" after the eleven months she _did_ die, but Mrs. Kitts has been give up over an" over by doctor after doctor till there ain"t one in the whole place as ain"t mad at her about it; an" there she is livin" yet! Mrs. Macy says Mrs. Lupey is so wore out she can"t talk of nothin" else. Mrs. Lupey feels very bitter over it; she says it"s all of six years now since they turned the X-rays through her (an" Mrs. Macy says as Mrs. Lupey says she could sit right down an" cry to think how much them X-rays cost an" how little good they done), an" she says it"s three years come April Fool"s since old Dr. Carter tried her lungs with his new kinetoscope an" found "em full of air an" nothin" else. Mrs. Lupey says she"s always had so much faith in old Dr. Carter an" she had faith in him then, an" was so sweet an" trustin" when he come with the machine, an" after he was done she fully believed his word of honor as to everythin", an" that was why they went an" bought her that bell an" oh heavens alive, Mrs. Lathrop, I only wish you _could_ hear Mrs. Macy on Mrs. Kitts" bell! It seems that kind of bell is a new invention an" as soon as any one is give up for good the doctor as gives "em up sends a postal to the man as keeps "em, an"
then the man sends it for three days on trial an" then the family buy it, because it lets "em all sleep easy. Well, Mrs. Macy says it"s the quietest lookin" small thing you ever see, but she says Great Scott, Holy Moses, an" ginger tea, the way it works! You only need to put your hand on it an" just stir it an" it unhooks inside like one of them new patent mouse traps as catch you ten times to every once they catch a mouse, an" then it begins to ring like a fire alarm an" bang like the Fourth of July, an" it don"t never stop itself again until some one as is perfectly healthy comes tearin" barefoot from somewhere to turn it over an" hook it up an" get Mrs. Kitts whatever she wants."
"I should--" suggested Mrs. Lathrop.
"I guess they would, too," said Susan; "I guess they"d be only too glad to. Why, Mrs. Macy says Mrs. Lupey says as it was all they could do to live in the house with her mother when she did n"t have nothin" but a stick to pound on the floor with, but she says since she"s got that bell--! Well! Mrs. Macy says as they"re all four worn into just frazzles with it, an" Judy is got so nervous with it going off sudden when Busby an" she is thinkin" about other things that she begins twitchin" the minute the bell begins ringin" an" they"ve had to hire a electric battery to soothe her with while Faith an" Maria is racin" for the bell. Mrs. Macy says it"s somethin" just awful first, last, an"
forever, an" Mrs. Lupey told her in confidence as it was Heaven"s own truth as they had n"t none of them woke of their own accords once since it was bought."
"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
"Well, Mrs. Macy says she"s a pretty good judge of sick folks an" she judged Mrs. Kitts for all she was worth, an" she could n"t feel as she ought in politeness to say anythin" "cause the Lupeys sent her the round-trip ticket to go an" come back with. But she says just between her an" me an" not to let it go any further, that to _her_ order of thinkin" (an" she"ll take her Bible oath to it anywhere) Mrs. Kitts looks like one of those oldest survivor kinds as they print in the city Sunday papers every week. She says she ain"t got the quiet, give-up manner of a person as is really quiet an" really givin" up--she"s got the spry air of a person as likes to keep the whole family jumpin" quick whenever they speak. She says Mrs. Lupey says as she really does get awful low just often enough to keep their courage up, but Mrs. Macy says Mrs. Lupey is easy fooled because them"s the sort as outlives all their families in the end always. But seems as her gettin" low an" then raisin" up again ain"t the only tough part for it seems as she was so low last fall that they really felt safe to send Maria up to the city to buy their mournin" at a bargain sale for there"s four of "em an" they want the veils thick so they"ll look sorry from the outside anyhow. And Maria did go, an"-- Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I will say as to hear about it all does go through one even if it ain"t my personal c.r.a.pe! Seems as the clerk asked Maria if it was for a deep family mournin" or just a light friendly mournin", an" Maria told him it was _goin"_ to be for her grandmother. Seems he was n"t very polite about it, coughed a good deal behind his hand an" such doin"s, until Maria got real vexed an" so mad over thinkin" as maybe it was n"t all coughin" as he was keepin" his hand over that she lost her wits an" went to work an" bought most twice the c.r.a.pe she needed just to show him as she was n"t tryin" to save nothin" on her grandmother, whatever _he_ might think. So now Mrs. Macy says, added to Mrs. Kitts an" the bell they"ve got the care of all that c.r.a.pe on their hands, an" the damp gathers in it just awful on rainy days, an" of course no Christian can sun twenty yards of c.r.a.pe on their clothesline when the dead person ain"t died yet, so they"re wild over that, too. They"ve made their skirts themselves, an" they wanted to do their waists, only what with the way sleeves is puffin" out an" slimmin"
up an" fronts is first hangin" over an" then hookin" down, the back it just does seem out of the question. They"ve worried a lot over the veils since they was bought "cause they wanted to get into "em last winter so as to get out of "em by last spring, an" then even when Mrs. Kitts rallied from her Christmas dinner, they thought maybe they could still be out of "em by the Fourth of July; but now--Heavens! Mrs. Macy says they don"t ask to get out of "em any more; all they ask is to get _into_ "em, an" goodness knows when that is _ever_ goin" to happen. She says Mrs. Lupey says what with Judy"s divorce an" Mrs. Kitts livin" right along she"s going to get moths into her things for the first time in her life, she just knows she is. It"s a pretty hard case any one can see, an" of course seein" Mrs. Kitts live like that may get Busby Bell all out of the notion of marryin" Judy, for of course no man ain"t goin" to like to look forward to Mrs. Lupey"s livin" like that too, maybe--or maybe Judy "ll live herself--you never can tell. Mrs. Macy says Mrs.
Lupey says she never guessed as sorrow could come so near to breakin"
your back as losin" a grandmother is breakin" theirs. She says when she"s really lost it won"t be so bad "cause they can all put on their c.r.a.pe veils an" go straight to bed an" to sleep, but she says this long drawn out losin" of her with that bell throwed into the bargain is somethin" calculated to make a saint out of a Chinaman, an" nothin" more nor less."
"Why--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
"I tell you, they _can"t_," said Susan; "they want to bad enough, but they can"t do it. Mrs. Kitts is too smart for that. She keeps her eagle eye on it awake, an" her whole hand on the little string when she"s asleep, an" drums "em up to know if the clock is really right, or if she feels anyways disposed to smell of cologne. Some nights she rolls on the string in her sleep, an" then the bell wakes her along with the rest of "em, which Mrs. Macy says is a-doin" more aggravatin" to the Lupeys than any words can do justice to. Mrs. Macy says as she really does believe that if Mrs. Kitts took a fancy to oysters in August she"d be fully equal to ringin" that bell for "em till September came an" they could get "em for her. She says it would be just like her, she does declare. Mrs. Macy says she sit with Mrs. Kitts considerable an" Mrs.
Kitts was very pleasant to her, an" give her two pair of black lace mitts an" a pin, but she found out afterwards as the mitts was Mrs.
Lupey"s an" the pin was Maria"s, so after that she see just how the family felt about her an" her ways. Mrs. Macy says the whole thing is a tragedy right out of Shakespeare an" the only pleasant thing about her whole visit was as it did n"t cost her nothin"."
"Did she--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
"Oh yes, I forgot to tell you about that. She see him four times. I don"t know as she wants it generally known, but I wanted to know about it so I got it out of her. It does beat all, Mrs. Lathrop, how a woman of Mrs. Macy"s sense, with a income that"s only a little too small to get along on, can want to marry any man again. But she seems kind of crazy on the idea, an" if it ain"t Mr. Dill, it"s goin" to be Dr.
Carter, or bu"st, with her. She says she went to his office just to let him know she was in Meadville, an" then she see him on the street, an"
then she went to his office again to ask him his real opinion of Mrs.
Kitts, an" then just before she left she went to his office again to let him know as she was goin" to come back here. So she see him four times in all."
"What did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
"Oh, he told her as he would n"t be surprised if any of "em died any day. That is, any of "em except Mrs. Kitts. He did n"t seem to think as Mrs. Kitts would ever die."
"What do--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
"Oh, I saw there was nothin" else as Mrs. Macy could talk about just now so I come home an" then I come over here. I declare though, Mrs.