Lathrop, I can"t help bein" a little blue to-night. Of course I ain"t any real relation to you, but we"ve been neighbors so long that I can"t help feelin" a little bit uneasy over thinkin" of Mrs. Kitts an"
wonderin" how long you may be goin" to live in the end."
CHAPTER XI
THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY
"Well, Mrs. Lathrop," said Susan Clegg one pleasant May evening, as she and her devoted listener leaned their elbows on the top rail of the fence, "I can"t but thank Heaven as these boards is the only thing as you ever take opposite sides from me on. I don"t say as your never disagreein" ain"t sometimes wearin", but there _are_ days as I feel I"d enjoy a little discussion an" then Elijah an" I discuss on those days till it seems like I can"t live to get to you an" do it all alone by myself. Elijah"s a very young man but he"s a man after all an" there"s somethin" about a man as makes him not able to see any side of anythin"
except his own side. Now it don"t make any difference what we talk about I _always_ take the other side, an" I will in confidence remark as the South fightin" Grant had a easy job compared to me tryin" to get Elijah to see any side but his own. Elijah"s a very pig-headed young man an" I declare I don"t know I"m sure what ailed him last night--seemed as if he was up a tree about somethin" as made him just wild over the Democratic party. I must say--an" I said it to his face, too--as to my order of thinkin" takin" sides about the Democrats nowadays is like takin" sides with Pharaoh after the Red Sea had swallowed him an" all his chariots up forever, but Elijah never gives up to no man, an" he said, not so, the Democrats was still ready to be the salvation of the country if only Bryan would give "em a chance. He says they "ve been handicapped so far an" it"s very tryin" for any party to have to choose between a donkey an" a tiger for its picture of itself, for no sensible person likes to have to ride on either, an" no politics could _ever_ make a success of a donkey for a mascot, whether you judge him from his ears or his heels. I had it in my mind to say somethin" then about turnin" around an" takin" a fresh start with a fresh animal as a sensible person would find it nothin" but a joy to ride, but Elijah, like all newspapers, rips a thing up the back an" then shows you how you can"t do better than to sew up the tear an" go on wearin" it again, so after he"d skinned the donkey an" the tiger both alive, so to speak, he went on to say as never"s a long game an" him laughs best who keeps sober longest an" altogether his own feelin" was as America "ll soon perceive her only hope lays in electin" a new Democratic party. I just broke in then an" told him it looked to me as if the natural run of mankind would n"t let Grover Cleveland skip eight years an" then try it again more "n six times more, an" that if the Republicans keep it up as they have awhile longer no money won"t be able to get "em out "cause they"ll have all the money there is in the country right in with them, but by that time Elijah"d got his breath, an" he just shook his head an"
asked me if I remembered what a lot of fuss the first billion dollar congress made an" if I"d observed how calm they was took now? I told him I had an" then we went at it hammer an" tongs, Elijah for the Democrats an" me against "em, although I must say I wished he"d give me the other side, for in spite of their actin" so silly I must say I always have a feelin" as the most of the Democrats is tryin" to be honest which is somethin" as even their best friend couldn"t say of the most of the Republicans as a general thing."
"Did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
"Yes, I did, an" I don"t know but we"d be talkin" yet only Mr. Dill come in on us to ask me if I would n"t consider takin" Gran"ma Mullins to board for a month or two, just to see how Hiram an" Lucy would get along if they had the house all alone to themselves."
"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
"Well, I told him I"d think about it," said Miss Clegg. "I don"t know I"m sure why I should bed an" board Gran"ma Mullins to help Lucy an"
Hiram to try to get along any better. They "re a good deal more interestin" to talk about the way they"re gettin" along now. I never see Mrs. Macy but what she has somethin" amusin" to tell me about Hiram an"
Lucy an" Gran"ma Mullins, an" I like to hear it. She says the other night they was all three runnin" round the house one after another for a hour an" she said she most died laughin" to watch "em. Seems Lucy got mad an" started to run after Hiram to pull his hair, an" Gran"ma Mullins was so scared for fear she _would_ pull his hair that she run after Lucy to ask her not to do it. Hiram run so much faster than Lucy that finally he caught up with Gran"ma Mullins an" then they all went to bed. Mrs.
Macy says that"s the way they act all the time, an" she certainly would n"t see any more than I should why I should break up the family. I"m sure I never cooked up that marriage an" I told Mr. Dill so. I asked him why he did n"t take Gran"ma Mullins to board with him, if he was so wild to get her away from Lucy, but he said he did n"t think it"d be proper, an" I said I did n"t say nothin" about _bed_--I just spoke about board, an" if there was anythin" as was n"t proper about boardin" Gran"ma Mullins he"d ought not to of mentioned the subject to me."
"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
"Oh, there was n"t nothin" left for him to say then, of course; but law!
I did n"t see no use mooley-cowin" around Mr. Dill; what I wanted was for him to go so Elijah an" me could go on discussin". Elijah thinks our paper ought to come out strong now that we"ve got one an" he said he would in confidence remark to me as he intended to say some very pointed things soon. He says all the editors in the country know as the plans an" the parties is all fixed up beforehand nowadays; the Republicans say how many they"ll have in each state an" then they never fail to have "em an" that"s a national disgrace for n.o.body ought to know beforehand how a election is goin" to pan out for it would n"t be possible if folks was anyways honest. He says for a carefully planned an" worked up thing a Republican victory is about the tamest surprise as this country ever gets nowadays, an" yet we keep on gettin" them an" openin" our eyes over "em every four years like they was somethin" new.
"I bu"st in then an" said as there was sure to come a change afore long with prices goin" up like they is an" a reaction bound to drop in the end. Elijah laughed then an" said he knowed well enough as when the deluge come the Republicans would grab the Democrats an" hold "em just like that rich man who grabbed the clerk an" held him in front of him, when they throwed that bomb at him in his office."
"At the--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, opening her eyes.
"Yes, the bomb was meant for him, but he held the clerk in front of him so the clerk caught it all. That"s what they call presence of mind, an"
as far as my observation "s extended, Mrs. Lathrop, the Republicans have got full as much of it--they must have, for they both make money right straight along an" I"ve observed myself as they always step out when a crash comes an" let the Democrats in to do the economizin" till there"s enough money saved up to make it worth while for them to take hold again which comes to much the same thing in the end. I tell you, Mrs. Lathrop, I see after a little as it was n"t no use talkin" to Elijah so I just had to listen to him an" he really did kind of frighten me in the end.
Livin" with an editor an" readin" that book of Mr. Fisher"s has opened my eyes to a many new ideas. I"ve lived in a small town all my life but I"ve got brains an" there"s no use denyin" as a woman with brains can apply "em to the president just as easy as to the minister, once she gets to thinkin" on the subject. This country is in a very bad way an"
it"s all owin" to our bein" satisfied with what"s told us an" not lookin" into nothin" for ourselves. We"ve got the Philippines now an"
we"ve got Hawaii an" we"ve got the n.i.g.g.e.rs an" we"ve got ever so many other things. We"ve got the Mormons down to one wife as a general thing an" the Italians comin" in by the thousands an" more old soldiers bein"
born every year an" the fifth generation of Revolutionary orphans out filin" their pensions--an" we owe "em all to the Republicans. Elijah says we owe "em a lot else, too, but I think that"s enough in all conscience. Elijah says too it costs a third more to live than it did ten years ago an" he knows that for a fact, an" you an" I know that, too, Mrs. Lathrop. Coal"s gone up an" everythin" else. I tell you I got kind of blue, thinkin" about it after I went to bed last night an" it took me a long time to remember as Elijah was maybe more upset over not bein" able to go an" see "Liza Em"ly on account of the rain, than anythin" else; but then too, Mr. Sh.o.r.es is very much cast down over the country, only I must admit as it"s more "n likely as he ain"t really half as mournful over the Democrats as he is over his wife; an" then there"s Judge Fitch as is always mad over politics an" we all know that that"s just "cause he"s always been called "judge" ever since he was born, an" n.o.body ain"t never made him judge of nothin" bigger "n us yet.
I guess if he was sure as our paper could get him elected to congress he"d cheer up pretty quick, but he told me yesterday as Elijah did n"t know how to conduct a campaign to his order of thinkin". He don"t like that cut of Elijah"s being David to the city papers bein" Goliath. He says a cut to do him any good had ought to have him in it somewhere an"
I don"t know but what he"s right.
"But, Mrs. Lathrop, we are mighty bad off an" that"s a fact, but still I will say this much an" that is that as far as my observation "s extended folks as complains openly of anythin" is always findin" fault with the thing because there"s some secret thing as they can"t find fault openly with, like Elijah an" the rain, an" Mr. Sh.o.r.es an" his wife. The world"s great for takin" its private miseries out publicly in some other direction, an" my own feelin" is as the Democrats is a great comfort to every one as the Republicans can"t very conveniently give nothin" to these days. If the president was to suddenly make Sam Duruy a minister to somewhere there"d be a great change of opinion as to politics in this town, you"d see. It would n"t give Sam any more brains, but every one "d be pleased an" the Democrats would n"t cut no figure no more."
"But--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
"That"s just it," said Susan, "that"s just the trouble. We"re like most of the rest of America an" the whole of Cuba an" the Philippines, too little an" too far off to make the big folks really care whether we like the way they do or not. I don"t have no idea of carin" whether potato bugs mind bein" picked or not, an" no matter what they said about me before or after their pickin" it "d be all one to me. An" that"s just about the way our government feels about us. An" I guess most other governments is much the same. Which is probably the reason why potato bugs is gettin" worse an" thicker all the time."
CHAPTER XII
THE TRIALS OF MRS. MACY
As Susan set the basket down it began to squawk.
"I don"t care," she said, "let it squawk!"
"But what--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, in whose kitchen Susan had set the basket down and in whose kitchen chair Susan was now sitting herself down.
"Let it squawk," Susan repeated; "I guess it"s made trouble enough for others so that I may in all confidence feel to set a little while without troublin" about it myself. I look upon it that I was very kind to take it anyhow, not havin" no idea how it"ll agree with the chickens when it comes to eatin" with them or with me when it comes to me eatin"
it, for you know as I never was one as cared for "em, Mrs. Lathrop, but still a friend is a friend, an" in Mrs. Macy"s state to-night the least her friends could do was for Gran"ma Mullins to stay with her an" for me to take the duck. Gran"ma Mullins was willing to sit up with a under-the-weather neighbor, but she said she could _not_ take a duck on her mind too, an" a spoiled duck at that, for I will in confidence remark, Mrs. Lathrop, as you only need to be in the room with that duck two minutes to see as the Prodigal Son was fully an" freely whipped in comparison to the way as he"s been dealt with."
"I really--" protested Mrs. Lathrop.
"Well, I don"t know but it _will_ be savin" of breath in the end," said Miss Clegg, and thereupon she arose, laid hold of the squawking basket, bore it into the next room, and coming out, shut the connecting door firmly behind her.
"Where under the--" began Mrs. Lathrop.
"It"s really quite a long story," returned her friend; "but I come in just to tell you, anyhow. It"s Mrs. Macy"s story an" it begun when she went in town yesterday mornin", an" it"s a story of her trials, an" I will say this for Mrs. Macy, as more trials right along one after another I never hear of an" to see her sittin" there now in her carpet slippers with a capsic.u.m plaster to her back an" Gran"ma Mullins makin"
her tea every minute she ain"t makin" her toast is enough to make any one as is as soft an" tender-hearted as I am take any duck whether it"s spoiled or not. An" so I took this duck."
"Well, I--" exclaimed Mrs. Lathrop.
"You think not now," said Susan, "but you soon will when I tell you, for as I said before, I come over just to tell you, an" I"m goin" to begin right off. It"s a long story an" one as "ll take time to tell, but you know me an" you know as I always take time to tell you everythin" so you can rely on gettin" the whole hide an" hair of this; an" you"ll get it fresh from the spout too, for I"m just fresh from Mrs. Macy an" Mrs.
Macy"s so fresh from her trials that they was still holdin" the plaster on to her when I left."
"But--" expostulated the listener.
"Well, now this is how it was," said Miss Clegg; "an" I"ll begin "way back in the beginnin" so you "ll have it all straight, for it"s very needful to have it straight so as to understand just why she is so nigh to half mad. For Mrs. Macy is n"t one as gets mad easy, an" so it"s well for us as has got to live in the same town with her to well an" clearly learn just how much it takes to use her up.
"Seems, Mrs. Lathrop, as yesterday mornin" Mrs. Macy set out to go to town to buy her some shoes. Seems as she was goin" to take lunch with Busby Bell"s cousin Luther Stott"s wife as she met at the Lupeys" in Meadville, "cause they only live three-quarters of an hour from town on two changes of the electric, an" Mrs. Stott told Mrs. Lupey as any time she or her relations got tired of shoppin" she"d be nothin" but happy to have "em drop in on her to rest "cause she kept a girl an" her husband"s sister, too, so company was n"t no work for her herself. Well, Mrs. Macy was goin" to the city an" so she looked up the address an"
made up her mind to go there to lunch, an" so she wrote the address on one side of the piece of paper as she had in her black bag an" she wrote her shoes on the other side, for she says they"re a new kind of shoes as is warranted not to pinch you in the back, by every magazine an"
newspaper--an" _you_ know what Mrs. Macy is on bein" pinched; why, she says she give up belts an" took to carpet slippers just for the very reason as she could _not_ stand bein" pinched nowhere.
"Well, seems as the shoes was Kulosis shoes an" Mrs. Macy says how any one could remember "em off of paper _she_ can"t see anyhow, an" Luther Stott"s wife lives 2164 Eleventh Avenue S.W., an" that was very important too, for there"s seven other Eleventh Avenues in the city besides eight Eleventh Streets; seems as the new part of the city is laid out that way so as to make it simple to them as knows where they live anyhow.
"Well, Mrs. Macy says she put on her bonnet as happy as any one looks to be afore they know they"re goin" to be the first to have a new invention tried on "em an" then she locked up her house an" set off. She says she never was great on new inventions for she"s lived under a lightnin" rod for pretty near forty years an" never come anywhere nigh to be struck once yet, but she says she has now learned to her sorrow as bein" fooled by a lightnin" rod man forty years ago ain"t nothin" to bein" fooled by a minister for forty years ahead, for she says she"ll lose her guess if this last foolin" don"t last forty years or even longer if she lives that long, an" make her wear her felt slippers all the forty years too.
"Well, she says of course you might know as it would be the minister as done her up first on this day of misery, an" it _was_ the minister! She says after that donation party to fix him out with new shirts last week she surely looked to be spared any further inflictions from him for one while; she says the idea as the congregation is expected to shirt the minister was surely most new to her, an" she was dead set against it at first, but she says she come to the fore an" was one to help make him the six when she see as it was expected to be her duty as a Christian, but she says she surely hoped when she hemmed the tail of the last one as she"d seen the last of him for a good breathin" spell.
"But no, Mrs. Lathrop, seems it was n"t to be, an" so she learned to her keen an" pinchin" sorrow yesterday mornin", for she was n"t more "n fairly on her way to town when she run square up to him on the bridge an" as a result was just in time to be the first for him to try his new memory system on, an" she told Gran"ma Mullins an" me with tears in her eyes an" her felt slippers solemnly crossed on top of each other, as she can not see why it had to be her of all people an" her shoes of all things, for she says--an" I certainly felt to agree, Mrs. Lathrop--as if there"s anythin" on the wide earth as you _don"t_ want to apply a memory system to it"s your shoes, for shoes is somethin" as is happiest forgot.
"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, seems as this new memory system of the minister"s is a thing as he got out of a Sunday School magazine in reward for workin" out a puzzle. Seems you guess big cities till their capital letters spell "Memory," an" then you send the answers to the magazine an" a dollar for postage an" packin" an" then they send you the memory system complete in one book for nothin" a _tall_. Or you can add in a two-cent stamp an" not guess nothin", but the minister guessed "cause he felt as in his circ.u.mstances he had n"t ought to waste even two cents!
Seems as they had a most awful time afore they found Ypsilanti for the "Y," an" for a while they was most afraid they"d have to be reckless with two cents, but they got it in the end an" sent "em all off, an" the book come back with a injunction forbiddin" it to be lent to no one stamped on every page. Seems it come back day before yesterday an" the minister sat up most of the night commemoratin" the theory, an" then Mrs. Macy says he just got it into him in time for Fate to let him go an" be flung at her right on the bridge! She says she was n"t no more mistrustin" trouble than any one does when they meet a loose minister out walkin" an" she says she can"t well see how any woman meetin" a man across a bridge can be blamed for not knowin" as he"s just grasped a new principle an" is dyin" to apply it to the first thing handy.