"They is," I replied, "wat few remains. But, alas! war, crool war, hez decimated our ranks five times."
"How so?" sez he. "None uv your kind uv Democrats jined in this unholy croosade, and fell afore our deth-deelin swords--did they?"
"Not any," sez I; "but Kanady and Montana took em afore each draft. That wuz why we wuz so beet at the eleckshuns. For one week-kneed Ablishinist we scared into our ranks, we lost two by emigration; and, unfortunitly, wun half that emigrated starved to deth, and tother half is distribbited in the various States prisons in them lands uv refuge."
"Still," sez he, "it matters not. Yoo hev deestricks yoo kin carry in most uv the States. The Five Points deestrick, in Noo York, is ours. Noo Gersey will go back to her allegiance. The new gold States, where so menny uv our friends fled, will send up Democrats to Congress. Ohio hez 2 devoted to us, Pennsylvany hez several, and the most uv the Northern States will send one or two; and them from the North kin be depended on to go any measure we say. Then"--and he slapped me on the back highlariously--"the n.i.g.g.e.rs is free!"
"Well?" sez I, not seem wat cause for highlarity that wuz.
"Well," sez he, "them n.i.g.g.e.rs is not now OTHER PERSONS! We alluz counted five uv em for three in making up the Congressers we wuz ent.i.tled to; now they count as white men, wich increases our delegashuns to sich an extent that ef yoo Northern men do half yoor dooty, we"ll hev a majority in Congress. Then, good Lord! the pleasant crack uv the whip shel agin be heard on the plains uv the sunny South. The n.i.g.g.e.rs wont be re-enslaved; but our Legislaters will speedily redoose em to their normal condishun. We sh.e.l.l observe the Const.i.tushnel Amendment strickly and in good faith. The Afrikin shel be free; but the good uv society demands that he shel be under proper guardianship. He wont be allowed to change his location; and the laws uv the States will define his dooties, and give us the power uv enforcin em. He wont be allowed to hev arms, so he can"t resist. Ez he can"t leave a plantation, he will hev to submit quietly to sich rools ez the high-minded planter makes for him, or be shot on the spot, or turned out to die uv starvashun, akording to circ.u.mstances. Ef the planter is a unrejenerated child uv d.a.m.nashun, he will shoot him; ef he is a saint, who hez a southern hope uv a blessed immortality beyond the grave, he"ll restrane his anger, and turn him out to die uv hunger, onless he repents, and comes back humble. Then, they bein free and responsible for theirselves, we ain"t obleeged to take care uv the sick, the aged, or the infirm, so it will be really better than it wuz before. I see a gellorious future afore us. Thro the thick clouds uv gloom the brite sun uv hope cheerinly breaks. Say to the Northern Dimocrisy, be uv good cheer. Agin they shel lick our hands; agin they shel eat the crumbs that fall from the National table.
"Thank G.o.d for the Northern Dimocrisy, with the other blessins He has given the South. With n.i.g.g.e.rs to do our manual labor for nothing, with Northern Democrats to do our votin at almost the same price, we are trooly a favored people. Bless the Lord for the n.i.g.g.e.r and the Democrat, wich is both useful to us, each in his speer!"
I drew encouragement from his remarks. The deep vane uv pious thankfulness wich run through his discourse was nateral to him. He is a trooly pious man, and wuz just back frum the meetin uv the Synod uv one uv the Southern churches, wich still persists in quotin Onesimus and Hayger. I feel encouraged. O, Dimmycrats uv the North, let us
"Our vigger renoo, And our journey pursoo,"
and I feel shoor that success will at last crown our efforts.
PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
VII.
A Vision.--Celebration of the Anniversary of the Taking of New Orleans.--In the Vision the Spirit of Andrew Jackson appears, and discourses of Various Things.
CONFEDRIT ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), January 12, 1866.
We had sort uv a celebrashun uv the 8th day uv Janooary at the Corners last nite. My meetin house wuz gorgeously decorated for the occashun; the walls bein hung with confedrit battle flags, and on the corners of the pulpit wuz placed two skulls uv Yankees, picked up at Andersonville by one of the guards, who is now a loyal citizen uv this State, residin at this pint. These skulls wuz illuminated by placin a taller candle inside uv each uv em. The effect wuz inspirin. The guard who contributed em, is, I need not say, a conservative Democrat, and in the matter uv swearing at Ablishnists he displays more talent, and hez a more comprehensive range uv oaths, than any man I ever knowed. The church wuz also decorated with mottoes, furnished by myself and others, uv wich the followin is some uv em:--
"The Yoonyun ez it wuz--under Bookanan."
"The n.o.ble dead uv Kentucky--them ez fell pintin their guns north we"ll alluz remember."
"Our returned soljers--beaten, but not conkered."
"n.i.g.g.e.rs and northern Dimocrisey--we"ve lost the first; thank G.o.d, the latter is ours forever."
I hevn"t time nor s.p.a.ce to give, in full, the perceedins uv the evenin.
Suffice it to say, at 12, precisely, the company broke up, and sich uv em ez were able, departed. I remained. There wuz suthin in the refreshments wich indoost me to stay; in fact, I coodn"t conveniently get out from under the table, where I hed fallen.
While peacefully sleepin the sleep uv innosence, my unfettered sole went orf on a explorin expedishen into the land uv dreams, and I dreamed.
Methawt that we wuz celebratin the anniversary uv the battle uv Noo Orleans, on a heavier skale than the wun just closed. We hed, at our festive board, all the grate lites uv Dimocrisy. There wuz Fernandy Wood and his brother Ben, and Dan Voorhes, and the grate Valandigum and Frank Peerce, and Bookanon hed consented to emerge from his saint-like retirement, and meet with us. The South wuz represented by sich n.o.ble Dimocrats ez Yancy, and Toombs, and Wigfall; in short, it wuz a reyoonyun uv old-time Dimocrats, met not only to honor the memry uv Jackson, but to consult ez to the best method uv savin the yoonyun from the rox uv Abolishun onto wich it seems now to be driftin.
The gileless Bookanon wuz President uv the evenin, and Breckinridge Vice President, and toasts wuz drank ez follows:--
"The ancient Dimocrisy--troo to the country, ez long ez there is an office to be filled."
Response by Fernandy Wood.
"The President uv the evenin--the last Dimocratic President uv the Yoonited States."
Mr Bookanan rose to respond, but he wuz overk.u.m, and sank back, his eyes suffoozed with tears. In a voice broken with emoshun, he intimated that he wuz in daily expectation uv bein translated, ez Elijer wuz, in a barouche with two white hosses. "White," he repeated; "for ef the team is black, I won"t go; I"ll die the nateral way fust." "My frends," sed he, "keep my mantle out uv the hands uv the Jews. Wher is the Elisha who"ll wear it?"
"The yoonun ez it wuz, the constooshun ez it is, and the n.i.g.g.e.r where he ought to be."
Response by Breckinridge, who sed he hed bin four years fightin the battles uv the Dimocrisy, whose prinsiples wuz happily set forth in the sentiment. Beeten in the field, we must fight it out at the ballot-box.
_Nil despritrando_ must be the motto uv the Dimocrisy.
"Androo Jaxon, the--"
As thus much uv the toast wuz read, there wuz a clap uv thunder heard, wich shook the buildin, and made not only the windows rattle, but the gla.s.ses to dance on the table, and the gost uv Androo Jaxson hisself, in the uniform uv 1812, come down through the ceelin. There wuz a frown on his countenance, terrible to behold. Turnin to the company, he remarked that the gate-keeper uv h.e.l.l must hev slept at his post, for out uv no other Depository cood there be gathered so many villianous countenances.
"I perpose," sed he, "to respond to this sentiment myself." The Woods slid out uv their seets, under the table; Breckinridge sneaked out uv the church; Vallandigham, with his natural impudence, tried to face it out, but one look from Androo J. finished him, and he slid, and Bookannon tried to git out, but Androo caught him by the collar, and held him.
"I hev suthin to say to yoo. The chair yoo wunst disgraced, I okkepied, called to it, ez yoo wuz, by the voice uv the peeple. I swore to preserve the const.i.tooshen and the yoonyun, and so did yoo. I did it, and yoo didn"t. When South Carliny undertook to nullify, I bustid the arrangement, becoz I didn"t propose to hev the yoonyun I fought for in two wars go down to death, when a particle uv pluck, put in at the right time, cood save it. Yoo mite hev dun the same, but yoo woodent. Yoo took the seat for the purpose of bustin it; for one term of the Presidency yoo agreed to destroy the Government.
"What are yoo here for?" shouted the gost in a terribly sepulkral tone, and a stampin his feet and grittin his teeth. "To celebrate the battle uv Noo Orleans? Yoo stole the livery uv Jaxon to serve Calhoon in. Under the shadder uv my name, yoor dooing deeds wich, ef I wuz in the flesh, I"d hang yoo for. How I wished, in "60 and "61, I cood revisit the earth. I"d hev histed yoo out uv the seat yoo disgraced, and never hev let Linkin hed the credit uv puttin down a rebellion. It wood hev bin lively for some uv yoo. I"d hev ornamented the trees with your karkises; the Southern buzzards wood hev grown fat on secesh korpses.
"Go back, yoo idiots--go back to your first love. Get the wool out uv your teeth, and try to think more uv your country than yoo do uv a yaller girl. Yoo kin yit repent. A. Johnson, whose initials is the same ez mine, runs over with mercy, or he wood hev hung the half uv yoo.
Repent and be saved. There is a slite chance for yoo yit. The dyin theef wuz pardoned on the cross, wich ought to be encouragin to yoo, for yoo hev longer time left in wich to repent, and the Lord knows yoo need it.
But ef yoo will go on in yer iniquity, do it on yoor own hook. Don"t take my name in vain no more. I hevn"t nothin in common with yoo, nor never had. Yoo yoosed to follow me, the same ez a drove uv jackals alluz follers a lion, to devour the hides, and bones, and offal that he despises. The lion hez gone hentz, and yoor takin his skin, and are trying to imitate his roar. The skin hangs loose upon yoo, and the roar is a miserable squeak. Never let me hear of yoor celebratin any more uv my doins. I go."
And in another clap of thunder, the gost ascendid through the roof agin.
I awoke. A cold sweat wuz a standin on my intellectooal brow, and a mortal shiverin shook me. I wuz alone in the church, under the table where I originally fell, and around me wuz skattered, in confusion, the remnant uv the feast. I thot to myself, ef sich wuz the effect uv a dream uv the gost Jaxon, wat wood ensoo ef he shood be raised from the dead, and visit the Dimocrisy in the flesh. Then wood my prayer be continooally, "Good Lord, deliver us."
PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
VIII.
A Plan suggested for the Up-building of the Democracy.--The Idea not New, but one which the Leaders of the Fierce Democracy have acted upon from the Beginning.
CONFEDRIT ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), January 27, 1866.
Halleloogy! halleloogy! halleloogy! I see a lite! It beams onto me! It penetrates me! It fills me! Goy to the world!
I hev diskivered the cause uv the decline uv the Dimocrisy. I seed it yisterday. I wuz a wanderin on the neighborin hills, a musin onto the cussednis uv humanity ez exemplified in the person uv the grocery keeper at the Corners, who unanimusly refoozed to give me further credit for corn whisky, wich is the article they yoose in this country to pizen theirselves with. He a.s.shoored me that he hed the utmost regard for my many virtues; but he diskivered that the one he prized the most I hedn"t so many uv, to wit, that uv payin for my likker. Therefore the account mite be considered closed. Then, for the fust time in my life, I bleeved in total depravity.
While musin, in a melonkoly mood, on this dark cloud wich fell across my pathway, and the fall uv the Dimocratic party, I came onto a party of men borin for ile. Then the trooth flashed over me. Their operations showed me the way to success--the shoor path to triumph.