"When," said I to myself, "when men seek gain they bore for it. They go down--never up." Even so with the Dimocrisy. We dug downward, downward, downward, through all the strata uv society. We went through the groceries; the next stratum was the most ignorant uv the furiners; then we struck the poor whites uv the South; then, below them, the heft uv the people uv Noo Gersy; then Southern Illinoy and Indiana; then Pike county, Missouri; and so on. We never went upward for converts, cause "twant no use. When a man wanted to jine us he alluz hed to come down.
We got lots of converts.
There was a regular slidin scale, which the heft uv Democrats who wuznt born in the party hev slid down; to wit:--
Quarter dollar smiles.
15 cent nips.
10 cent drinks.
5 cent sucks.
A flat flask conceeled.
A bottle openly.
Dimocrisy.
We lost our hold for two reasons. First, the poor likker we hev now kills off our voters too fast; and the tax on whiskey forced two thirds uv our people to quit suckin, and ez soon ez they begun to git on their feet they jined the Ablishnists. Secondly, our leaders spozed there wuz no lower stratum to dig into, and give up in disgust.
But I hev deskivered that lower stratum--I hev found it; and when the idea flashed over my Websterian intelleck, I shouted Halleloogy! The n.i.g.g.e.r is the lower stratum; and ef we bore down to it, and work it thoroughly, we hev, at least, a twenty years" lease uv power.
We must cultivate the n.i.g.g.e.r. HE MUST HEV THE SUFFRAGE! It is a burnin shame, that, in this Nineteenth Sentry, in the full blaze uv intelligence, livin under a Deklarashun which declares all men "free and ekal," that a large body uv men shood be denied the glorius privilege uv bein taken up to the poles and voted. Is not the Afrikin a man? Is he not taxed ez we are, and more than most uv the Democrisy, for many uv em own property? Is he not amenable to all the laws, even ez we is? Then why, I triumphantly ask, is he not ent.i.tled to a vote? Ah! why, indeed?
"But this is Ablishnism!" methinks I hear a obtoose Dimocrisy observe in horrer. "And why give them votes who will use em agin us?"
My gentle friend, _will_ they use their ballot agin us? Ef I know myself, I think not. Kin they read? Kin they write? Aint the bulk uv em rather degraded and low than otherwise? Methinks. Aint that the kind uv stock we want, and the kind wich hez alluz set us up? Readin hez alluz bin agin us. Every skool master is a engine uv Ablishnism; every noosepaper is a cuss. General Wise, uv Virginia, when he thanked G.o.d there wuzn"t a noosepaper in his deestrick, hed reason to; for do yoo spoze a readin const.i.tooency wood hev ever kept sich a blatherskite ez him in Congress year after year?
Then, agin, the Constooshnal Amendment will pa.s.s, givin representashen to voters alone. The Democratic States will hev more members uv Congress and more electoral votes than afore the war; and them States we kin depend on.
But my skeem is still more comprehensive. Them n.i.g.g.e.rs ain"t needed in the South. We"ll send em North. A few thousand will overbalance the Ablishun majority in Noo Gersey; fifty thousand will bring Ohio back to the fold; the same number will do for New York and Pennsylvany, and the country is saved--we will be able to elect the President. Thus the pit the Ablishnist dug for us he"ll fall into hisself; the club he cut for us will break his own head.
Honey hez k.u.m out uv the carca.s.s; good hez perceded from Nazareth. The n.i.g.g.e.r smells sweeter to me now than Nite bloomin Serious; he is more precious to me than gold, or silver, or preshus stones. He is the way, and I shel walk in it. He shel lift me into a Post orifis. We must give our Afrikin brother,--for is he not a man and a brother?--not only the suffrage, but he must hev land, and the Democracy must give it to him. I want Garrit Davis to instantly interdoose a bill into the Senit givin each family a quarter section uv land, a pair uv mules, and a cook stove; and each female Afrikin brother two flarin calico dresses and a red bonnet. I want him to advocate the bill in a speech uv not more than two hours, so that it will stand some chance uv pa.s.sin. On second thought, I guess some other man hed better interdoose the bill, as the Sennit hez got into sich a habit uv votin down everything he proposes, that they"d slather this without considerin it, on jineral principles.
Then we"ve got em. Work ez hard ez they may at it, it"ll take twenty years afore the Ablishinists kin edjukate em up to the standard uv votin their tikkit; and even that time won"t do it if we kin git the tax taken off uv whiskey, so that we kin afford to use it ez in the happy days uv yore.
Goyusly I went home to lay the foundashun uv the new temple uv Dimocrisy. I slept that nite atween two n.i.g.g.e.rs, and hev bin shakin hands and enquirin after the health uv the families uv all I hev met.
Its rather hard for an orthodox Democrat. Sich sudden shifts is rather wrenchin on the conshence. But what uv that? The Dimocrat who hez follered the party closely for thirty years ought not to balk at sich a triflin change ez this, pertiklerly when it promises sich glorious results.
"There"s a lite about to gleem, There"s a fount about to streem, Wait a little longer!"
PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
IX.
Enjoys a Vision of the Next World, seeing therein many Curious Things, which are published as a Warning to Politicians.
CONFEDRIT ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), February 5, 1886.
Last nite I retired to my virtoous couch, at precisely half past eleven, after eatin a rather light supper for that time uv night. I alluz make it a pint to eat light in the evenin, for I"m gittin old, and my digestive faculties ain"t what they was when I wuz young. Alas! we who hev lived out the best part uv our days, wat wood we give to be set back to the time when, with our faculties unimpaired, we cood consoom a good square meal without fear uv consekenses! But
"Them happy days is fled, And never will return."
[Ill.u.s.tration: NASBY"S DREAM OF THE FUTURE OF DEMOCRACY.]
I paid my respecks to 2 mince pies, a pair uv pig"s feet, some cold tongue, and a plate uv tripe, follered by a half dozen dough nuts and a couple or more uv gla.s.ses uv hot whisky punch; and singler ez it may seem, it didn"t set well. I dreamed all night, and my dreams wuznt at all pleasant. Methawt I hed deceest, and wuz in the next world. It was a singler site that met my vision. The dividin line atween this world and the next wuz a swift stream uv water, and every deceest spirit hed to cross it. The water wuz suthin like that uv the Dead Sea. A man, unenc.u.mbered with anything, cood walk on it, but they sunk down in it if they wuz loaded, accordin to what they hed to carry. On the tother side uv this Jordan wuz heaven; the dominions uv his majesty Satan the 1st wuz below, and to it a strong under current flowed, which took all them ez wuz too heavy loaded to keep their chins above water.
On the bank stood more than two millions uv little devils, who flung onto the shoulders uv them tryin to cross their failins, and weaknesses, and iniquities.
General Breckinridge wuz the first that I saw enter the flood. He hed on a life preserver, labelled "States Rights," but a peert little devil stuck a pin into it, and it collapsed, the gas with wich it wuz filled smellin horribly. Down he went, and ez he sunk, they commenced peltin him with packages labelled "Treason," "Perjury," and "Murder," and John C. went under.
Old James Buckanon went next. The old gentleman didn"t keep above water as long ez a able bodied man could hold a bar uv red hot iron in his hand. He made one splash, when a weight labelled "Treason" struck him, and down he went. The gentlemanly and urbane devil who had him in charge had a big pile more uv ammunition to discharge at him, but that one wuz sufficient.
Vallandigham come next. I wuz surprised to see no one make a motion at him, but he sunk all the same. "We never waste effort," sed Satan to me; "he carries enough natural cussedness about him, all the time, to sink him, without pilin any devilment on his shoulders wich is ten days old."
Frank Peerce made his appearance, but declined to enter. He wuz immediately seezed, and on each leg wuz tied a weight labelled "Kansas,"
and they flung him in. He went down like a shot, and that"s the last I seed uv him.
Garret Davis went in, and to my surprise, pa.s.sed over safely. Nothin wuz flung at him, for wich I asked the reason.
"Why," sed Satan, "the poor old man isn"t accountable. He commenced to talk many years ago, and keeps on talkin because he really don"t know when to stop. I could hev sunk him, but the fact is, I woodent endoor what the Senit uv the Yoonited States hez hed to, for the past few years, for a dozen uv Tombs lawyers. Besides this, I"m gettin more from Kentucky now than I am really ent.i.tled to. I"ve a mortgage on two-thirds uv that State."
Fernandy and Ben Wood come up rather bold, and entered the flood ez though they were sure uv goin through all right. With a inimitable chuckle, Satan motioned away the inexperienced devils, and sed, "Leave em to me," and at Ben he hurled a package uv the New York News, wich swashed him down instanter. Jest ez Fernandy wuz beginnin to reach the other sh.o.r.e, he flung onto him an a.s.sortment uv weights, labelled "Lotteries" and "Riots," which took him down to the arm pits, and finished by tumblin onto him a ma.s.s, onto wich wuz written "Mayoralty,"
and down he went; at wich His Majesty drew a sigh uv relief.
Seein the style uv the men who sunk, I remarked unto him,--
"This war hez bin a rather profitable thing for you."
"Nothin to speek uv," sed he. "The leaders uv the Southerners were, sum uv em, honest, and got through on that account, and the rank and file were ignorant wretches, who ain"t accountable, no how. The leading copperheads uv the North were mine, anyhow, from the beginnin. Any man who cood sympathize with the rebels in sich a struggle, must, yoo will acknowledge, hev hed a long career uv iniquity to fit em for sich a sin.
Why," sed he, "do yoo think I use all the shot I hev? Not any. Them yoove seen piled on were used because, bein the last, they were on the top uv the pile.
"Any quant.i.ty uv yoor party escaped me. Them fellows who are yet votin for Jackson I"ll never git, and the most uv them ez alluz votes unscratched tickets will dodge me. Their innocence protects em. It takes a modritly smart man to be vishus enuff to come to me; he hez to hev sense enuff to distinguish between good and evil, cussednis enuff to deliberately choose the latter, and brains enuff to do suthin startlin in that line. Dan Voorhees, uv Injeany, hez all these qualities developed to a degree wich excites my profound respect. Between him and Fernandy Wood its nip and tuck. Fernandy did wicked things with more neatnis than Voohees, but for a actual love uv doin em Voohees beets the world. I sed," continued he, "that the war wuzn"t uv much yoose to me. I repeat it; it wuz a damage. Afore the war, I hed my own way, pretty much, in the Southern States. For every octoroon, I cood count on at least two planters, and under the patriarkle system uv Afrikin slavery (wich, by the way, wuz one uv my most brilliant consepshuns), octooroons multiplied with a rapidity pleasin to behold. But now, alas! the octooroon bizness is done, and my best holt is gone. I hev some little hope, however. The Dimocrisy are displayin a vigger I didn"t think they possest. Ef they kin only git strength enuff to elect the next President and re-establish slavery! The thought fills me with unutterable joy. The redoosin of the n.i.g.g.e.r to bondage agin wood give me a clean t.i.tle to evry last one who helped to do it, and in gittin em back into their normal condishun (by the way, that"s another phrase uv mine), ther"d be enuff slaughterin and murders to satisfy several sich Satans ez I am.
I"d help em ef I knowd how, but I can"t improve on either their speekers or writers, and ez long ez men will do my work gratis, I don"t see the yoose uv interferin."
At this pint a couple uv small imps undertook to push me into the stream, and in the struggle, I awoke. My dreem wuz o"er, but the impreshun remained. "Kin it be," mused I, pensively, "that we are doin the devil"s work, and are we to be finally rewarded in the manner I saw in my vision? Ef so, hedn"t I better quit and repent?"
But I thought agin, that however it mite be for younger men, it wood be uv no yoose for me. I hed voted the strait ticket for thirty years, and the ten or twelve years I hed to live wuz too short a time in which to repent successfully uv sich iniquity. So I sank into sleep agin, this time dreemin that I had turned Fenian--hed elected myself Hed Center for the Stait uv Kentucky, and wuz just investin $75,000 in a magnificent plantashun.
PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
X.