Almost as soon as he"d laid the question before G.o.d, Chase knew the answer. He would never satisfy all Kelly"s needs. Only the Lord could do that. And until she learned to turn to Him when she felt overwhelmed, the struggle would continue.
How long had she been discouraged this time? She"d come to the shoot and together they"d shared alone time - something rare for them. She"d been supportive and loving and sure that G.o.d would see them through. But after his second LA editing trip, he"d noticed something different about her. She seemed distant and short. Now he understood just how hopeless she must be feeling.
Please, G.o.d ... give her strength. I"m not sure how much I can help her.
No matter how he approached the subject, he couldn"t win, couldn"t help her. He finished the dishes, praying for her the entire time. Clearly the answer was the one G.o.d had placed on his heart moments ago: she needed Christ - His satisfaction, His fulfillment, His strength.
As he turned off the lights he no longer felt angry. Instead he was determined to do the one thing he could do: pray for her without ceasing, that she might find the strength to do the same.
Before her discouragement grew any worse.
SHE"D BEEN FOUND OUT.
Kelly knew it early Friday morning as soon as she saw the bag of candy on the counter. Her heart slid into a fast and frantic rhythm, because if Chase knew ... If he knew, then she wasn"t sure how she could face him. He and the girls were asleep, but they"d wake up soon. Chase would give her that look, the one that said he was aware of her struggles and that he was disappointed in her. She would be forced to come clean about her eating, and she would feel like a fat failure in front of her husband. Too depressed to find her way to daylight.
Her heart found its regular beat again. Defiance muddied the stagnant water of her heart. If Chase knew, there was no point hiding the candy. She moved the bag back to the spice cupboard, right up front. She could eat what she wanted to eat, and if she gained weight, then so be it. She had to keep the house and yard up, pay the bills, and keep the family going on almost no money. She would find control later, after the New Year. Chase was never home anyway, gone running after a dream that seemed less and less likely.
The pans were still soaking in the sink. She studied them, defeated, and caught her reflection in the mirror. She stopped short and stared at herself, hating what she saw. The weight was piling on, and she could do nothing to hide the fact. Her face looked pasty and puffy, creased with concern and deceit.
She took a step closer. Rebelliousness didn"t become her. When had her eyes lost the shine that marked them a few months ago when she went to Bloomington, Indiana, and declared to Chase her absolute support? Punch drunk, that"s how she looked, battered by the abuse she wielded on her own body. Her blank eyes reminded her of someone lost somewhere in the middle rounds of a boxing match against depression. A match she was destined to lose.
A realization began to take root, and she felt conviction taking hold of her, shaking her and ordering her out of the ring. Life wasn"t meant to be a web of lies, and only one reason could explain why Chase had found out about her recent mindless eating.
G.o.d wanted him to find out.
She hung her head and didn"t try to stop the gathering tears. A long, slow sigh made its way from her, taking with it every argument she"d ever made in favor of hiding food and falling prey to a diet of chocolate and McDonald"s. None of this was Chase"s fault; it was her own. Chase loved her and cared for her and the girls in a way too great for words. His time away was a necessary part of the commitment of filmmaking - an adventure she"d agreed to and supported even as recently as her trip to Indiana.
Footsteps sounded in the hallway, and Kelly ran her fingertips beneath her eyes. She sniffed and looked at herself once more. G.o.d, I need You. I can"t do this without You. The next few minutes were going to be humiliating, but if they were G.o.d"s way of taking her out of the fight, then she had no choice but to go along. However awful she felt.
"Kelly?" Chase came up behind her and stopped a few feet away. "I didn"t hear you get up."
"Sorry." She wasn"t willing to look at her husband yet. She knew exactly what she"d find in his eyes. Disapproval, disgust, and disappointment. The three Ds. "The pans needed washing."
She held her breath and turned, facing him. But as they looked at each other, Kelly found she could barely exhale. Chase"s expression wasn"t angry or suspicious. His light-brown eyes showed a vulnerability, a love and concern that melted Kelly and shattered her defenses.
"Can you come here?" His words were kind and without accusation. He made no attempt to come to her, almost as if he could sense her vulnerability and he wanted her to know he wasn"t on the attack.
She came to him, her eyes never leaving his. He wasn"t her accuser, he was her friend, the one who had stood by her regardless of her highs and lows. As she reached him, he held out his hands and she wove her fingers between his. The touch of his skin felt intoxicating, lightening her spirit more than anything hidden in the cupboards - as if the unspoken honesty between them resurrected an intimacy long buried in layers of guilt.
Her body came up against his and she rested her head on his chest. "I"m sorry." Looking at him was still too painful. "About the candy."
He kissed the top of her head, their hands still linked. "You don"t have to hide from me, Kelly. You"re under a lot of pressure here. I know that."
"But ..." She lifted her eyes to his again. "I"m turning to all the wrong things."
There was no need for him to say anything about that. "I"m here, Kel. If you need help, I"m here. I love you no matter what you eat, or how you look. I just want you to be happy."
The reference to her looks cut, and she winced a little. He"d have to be blind not to notice the weight she"d put on these past few months. At the same time, she believed he meant what he said - that he loved her whatever her size. But meaning it and living it out were two very different realities. If she didn"t want their marriage to suffer, she had to find her way out of the darkness. "I"ve been so down, running everything here by myself."
"I"m sorry." His words were deeply sincere. "I hate being gone."
She released his hands and slid her arms around his waist. "I wish you weren"t leaving so soon." If only he could stay this next week, take walks with her and shop with her, help her have a normal week. Maybe then she could make things right with herself and him, and even G.o.d.
"I love you, do you know that?" He leaned back enough to see her, study her. "You couldn"t do anything to change that, Kel. I mean it. But don"t hide things from me."
"I won"t. Never again." Kelly laid her head against his chest once more and heard his heartbeat. The heartbeat of a man who loved her unconditionally. She tried to imagine telling Chase about surviving on candy and macaroni so she could find the energy to drag herself through a day of mowing the lawn and clipping coupons, washing dishes and doing laundry. All while trying to be both mother and father to their girls. No wonder she hid her stash of junk food. It was proof she was beyond discouraged and relying on all the wrong sources to survive.
Verses flooded her mind, Scriptures that ordered G.o.d"s people to keep their deeds in the light, to avoid all darkness where sin could grow unchecked. Rather than flinch away from them, she embraced them, accepted them as truth. For another five minutes they stood there, clinging to each other, breathing to the beat of each other"s heart, and believing that Kelly"s secret, mindless eating was behind them. She would move ahead in honesty and light. She would tell him when she was tempted to spend an entire day eating ice cream bars and chocolate chip cookies. She wanted a fresh start now, so she could enjoy Christmas without the feelings of stomach pains and indigestion, without the oppressive guilt and weight gain. She was finished with it, once and for all. As soon as the moment pa.s.sed, before anything could deter or distract her, Kelly would visit her hiding places and gather the garbage, taking it directly to the trashcan in the garage. And that would be that.
But before she could make a move, the girls woke up. They came down the hall holding hands, their flannel nightgowns covering all but their bare feet and fingers. When they reached the place where their parents stood hugging each other, the girls began to giggle.
The moment was suddenly over, and the girls clamored for breakfast and a trip to the park and piggy-back rides on Chase. There were eggs to make and dishes to wash and laundry to start, and in the mix of laughter and chaos that was their morning, Kelly never got around to throwing out the junk food, never made her way to her hiding spots.
She still intended to, of course. She would toss everything as soon as she had a chance, as soon as the morning allowed.
And for at least half the day, she actually believed that.
By noon, a compromise began to take shape. She wouldn"t toss the food just yet, because what if the girls wanted a sweet snack? Money was tight, so it was practically sinful to throw out perfectly good cookies and candy. She could put them out when company came, the next time Laurie Weeks stopped by, maybe.
The compromise grew and swelled, and by nightfall she was already planning a trip to McDonald"s with the girls as soon as Chase left for LA. They could eat cheaper from the dollar menu than anything she could cook, and at least she"d get one night without dishes. As for the other junk food, she wouldn"t eat it now. She"d merely keep it around for a pick-me-up.
Just in case.
Seven.
ANDI MET BAILEY FOR LUNCH THE day Scrooge opened at Indiana University"s performance auditorium. She"d never been in a musical, and her stomach hadn"t been right all day. She took a table in the midst of the confusion of the cafeteria and scanned the doorway for her roommate. She was still looking when a guy from her science cla.s.s walked up.
He was biracial - white and Middle Eastern, maybe. Tall with a nice smile. Once in a while he"d asked her about lecture notes, but his name escaped her. "Waiting for someone?"
"My friend." Andi was careful not to seem interested. The guy was nice looking, and he seemed charming in his own way. But she"d already gotten into too much trouble with guys she didn"t know. She smiled, but kept the walls up behind her eyes. "She"ll be here any minute."
"That"s okay." He sat down and put his backpack on the table. "I"m Taz. You"ve seen me in science cla.s.s, but I"m also a film student. You"re an actress, right?"
An actress. "I am." She liked the sound of it, even if so far she"d only been an extra in her dad"s movie. "How"d you know?"
"You"re gorgeous. Your dad"s a producer - I saw you as an extra when he was filming on campus. And you"re starring in Scrooge, which opens tonight." He winked at her. "I"ll be there, by the way. Me and my roommates. They"re film students too."
He pulled an envelope from a pocket in his backpack and slid it across the table. "This is for you. I didn"t want to give it to you in cla.s.s."
Andi"s nerves were already on edge because in six hours she"d be slipping into the flowing gown that made up her costume for Scrooge, hoping she could still breathe when the curtain went up. She stared at the guy, now sitting in Bailey"s seat. A little pushy, she thought. But something about his approach appealed to her. "You wrote me a letter?"
"Sort of. It"s more of an offer." He leaned back and smiled, definitely satisfied with himself.
"Hmmm." Andi ignored the slight wave of anxiety his mention of opening night caused her. She felt her defenses fall. The film student stuff piqued her interest. "You"re making a film? Is that what you"re saying?"
"A short film. It"s for a cla.s.s, but I have connections. If I get the right people to star in it, we might win some awards." He stood, his eyes dancing. "It"d look great on your resume."
A hint of a thrill ran down her spine. A short film with her as the star? That would be way better experience than extra work. Maybe then her dad would take her dreams of an acting career seriously. At least she would have something to show an agent or a director. She tossed her blonde hair over her shoulder and took the letter. "Thanks for thinking of me."
He laughed. "Are you kidding? You would be amazing."
The flattery felt good.
In the distance she saw Bailey make her way toward the table, so she hurried her next words. "How do I reach you?"
"Everything"s in there," Taz nodded at the envelope. His smile was friendly, confident bordering on c.o.c.ky. He gave her shoulder a quick, light touch, and his eyes connected with something in hers. "See you tonight." With that he was gone, moving through the crowd in the direction he"d come.
A few seconds later, Bailey reached the table and sat down, breathless from the cold air outside. Six inches of snow covered the Indiana campus, and another foot was forecast for the weekend. The perfect backdrop for Scrooge.
Bailey looked at Taz as he reached the cafeteria door. "Who was that?"
"Some guy in my science cla.s.s." Andi still had the envelope in her hand. "I guess he"s a film student." She lifted the envelope. "He gave me this."
"What is it?"
"An offer to star in a movie he"s making."
"Really?" Bailey took off her coat and gloves and settled in closer to the table. Her eyes sparkled and she looked relaxed and comfortable. Not even a little nervous about opening night. "Well ... come on! Open it."
Andi shared everything with Bailey. Whatever the offer inside the envelope, she was glad her roommate was excited for her. She slipped her finger beneath the sealed flap and pulled out a single piece of paper, then slid her chair around the side of the table so she and Bailey could read it together.
" "Dear Andi,"" she read aloud. ""My name is Taz Bazzi, and I"m in your science cla.s.s. I"m making a movie - a short film, really - and I"d like you to consider starring in it.""
"Andi!" Bailey grabbed hold of Andi"s wrist. "That"s fantastic. Lots of actresses get their start in short films."
"Seriously?"
"Yes. For sure." Bailey looked back at the paper. "How"d he know you could act?"
"He saw me working on The Last Letter and he knows my dad"s a producer. At least that"s what he said." Andi continued reading. ""I"ve been looking for the perfect girl for the role, and for awhile now I"ve known it was you. So here"s a little bit about my film. It"s sort of a docudrama about a conflicted girl trapped by her parents" outdated rules and understanding.""
Andi gave a nervous laugh. "That"s a little close to home."
"Keep reading."
She found her place. ""The girl"s parents think she"s at college, but she takes a quarter off and finds her way to the streets. She tries a lot of dangerous and edgy things before realizing that her place is here, back on campus."" That was the end of the summary. The rest was Taz"s contact information.
"Does she ever work things out with her mom and dad?" Bailey sounded less enthusiastic than before.
"Doesn"t say." Andi turned the paper over, but it was blank on the back. She flipped it again and found his contact information, and then for the first time saw a few lines in small print at the bottom of the page. It told her they could set up a screening time and that the shooting schedule could be worked around her availability. The very last line was something Andi couldn"t bring herself to read out loud.
Some partial nudity required.
Bailey peered over Andi"s shoulder and read the fine print at the same time. "Partial nudity?" Bailey pushed back from table. "Creepy guy. Probably not even a film student. Just a p.o.r.n freak."
Andi was bothered by the partial nudity thing, but she wasn"t as upset as Bailey. Partial meant a few shots in her bra and underwear. Something like that. Besides, film was art. Wasn"t that what the actors on her father"s set had talked about? Sometimes compromise was necessary in order to get a message across ...
Her eyes moved to the bottom of the page where a website was listed. She folded the paper and put it back in the envelope. "At least he was upfront."
"Yeah." Bailey"s laugh was filled with disbelief. "Because he wants a look at your front. Don"t you get it? The guy"s probably making a soft p.o.r.n film and somehow I get the feeling you"re flattered."
She was, but she didn"t want to say so to Bailey. Her roommate had connections like megastar Dayne Matthews and his actress wife, Katy Hart Matthews. What did Andi have? A dad who was more missionary than moviemaker and whose first film might never find its way out of DVD Land. If she wanted to be an actress, Taz was right. She needed all the experience she could get.
She slipped the envelope through the opening at the top of her backpack and smiled at Bailey. "I"m scared to death about tonight."
"Wait." Bailey leaned forward, more intense than before. "You"re not considering that? Tell me you"ll throw it in the first trashcan."
"I wanna check out his website." Andi kept her tone even, as if her calmness might make Bailey see that she was overreacting. "I owe him that much."
Bailey"s eyes flashed. "You don"t owe him anything. Come on, Andi. Show up to read for a guy like that and you could be raped."
"Please." Andi managed a light-hearted laugh. "If I was going to do it, I wouldn"t meet with just him. There"d be other people and it would have to be somewhere on campus."
Another shocked sound came from Bailey. "You can"t be serious? You"re actually considering this? Even with the nudity?"
"Partial nudity. Like in a bikini or bra or something."
"So you"re going to do it?"
"Well ..." Andi hesitated. Only one right answer remained. "Of course not. I"m just saying I should respond to him. Let"s drop it, okay?"
"Tell him no."
"All right, all right." Andi wanted to say that she"d tell him whatever she wanted and Bailey could just get used to the idea.
But she was pretty sure she wouldn"t take the job, anyway, so it didn"t matter. "Talk about tonight. Are you scared?"
"No." Bailey looked like she was struggling to transition from her disapproval to the play they were about to star in. She busied herself with her gloves and then stopped and found the beginning of a smile. "You"ll be great, Andi. You don"t have to be afraid."
"So you"re really not?"
"Not at all." Gradually Bailey softened, and the smile returned to her eyes. "There"s nothing like opening night. The packed house, the buzz of antic.i.p.ation backstage, the orchestra warming up for the first performance."
Andi felt her stomach tighten again. "What if I get out there and forget my lines?"
"You won"t." Bailey laughed. "The adrenaline rush actually makes you think more clearly. Remember your audition?"
The two of them and Tim Reed had auditioned in a group, each performing in front of the creative team separately. "I was scared then too."
"And you were brilliant." Bailey shrugged. "You"ll be brilliant tonight too."
Bailey"s confidence was contagious. By the time they left the cafeteria, two things had happened. First, Andi"s nervousness had faded to nothing more than excited energy. And second, Bailey had forgotten about Taz and his offer. At least it seemed that way. But after cla.s.ses when Andi reached the dorm, Bailey was already there, sitting cross-legged on her bed reading her Bible.