Falling back on my pillow, I let out a low belly laugh. It feels strange to be laughing this hard. It"s causing my stomach to cramp and tears to form in my eyes. I can"t help but think that I must look like a f.u.c.king wack-job at the moment.
Jordon leans over me to press kisses from my jaw up to my lips, quieting my giggles. "Sorry..." I say between breaths, holding my hand over my abdomen. "I can"t even read myself half the time, so don"t feel bad. I don"t think anyone will ever understand me, and captivating is far from the word I"d use...more like complicated."
Grabbing my chin, Jordon forces me to look at him. My eyes have been fixated on the chandelier above my bed trying to keep my emotions at bay.
"To me, Brittan, you are the most captivating woman I"ve ever met. The second I saw you dancing tonight; I couldn"t take my eyes off you, no matter how hard I tried. You don"t see it, but you are beautiful and worth someone taking the time to see the real you. Not the facade you put on for the outside world."
I look like a guppy as my mouth opens and closes, but nothing comes out. Jordon is like a sledge hammer trying to smash down the walls I"ve built around my heart, but what he doesn"t know is they"re built of steel not brick...they"re indestructible.
Reaching up, I slide my fingers through Jordon"s hair, that"s now damp with sweat, and pull him down to me for one last kiss before we part ways for good.
As our lips separate I whisper, "Good night, Jordon."
Without saying another word, he climbs off my bed and out the door to retrieve his clothing that"s been dispersed throughout my house. A few minutes later I hear the front door open and close. I run down the stairs quickly to make sure everything is locked and secure before I allow myself to break down.
Grabbing my iPhone, I snap it into the port and hit play, letting Gavin Rossdale"s voice fill my bathroom as he sings Glycerine. I can"t hear this song without thinking of Cane.
Tears fill my eyes as I get lost in the music.
Stripping out of Cane"s t-shirt, I open the shower doors turning on the water as hot as I can handle and letting the room fill up with steam. Stepping into the shower, I stand under the rain style shower head relishing the soothing feeling of the water as it cascades over my body.
With the body wash, I scrub my skin until its bright red, trying and remove every ounce of Jordon from my skin.
The images of Jordon and I together flash through my mind, making my head spin. The way his hands felt on my body. How much I enjoyed his lips on mine. Thinking of how it felt as he f.u.c.ked me. My twists tighter and tighter, the more I think about him.
The only man I ever want to make me feel this way is Cane. He was the love of my life. It isn"t right for me to have these thoughts about Jordon, when I don"t have a heart to give to him. Cane took my heart when he died, leaving a hollow s.p.a.ce in my chest where it used to be.
Staind"s, It"s Been a While comes on just as I"m stepping out of the shower. Wrapping a towel around myself I pad across the cool stone tiled floor to the sink and grab my toothbrush. Piling the toothpaste on I begin frantically scrubbing my teeth and tongue as I try to remove the taste of Jordon from my mouth.
My head begins to spin as images flood my mind, blending images of Cane and I together followed by Jordon and I. Fisting my hair between my fingers, I stare at the f.u.c.ked up image of myself in the mirror and scream, letting out all of my frustrations.
"Stop! I just want this torture to stop..." I cry out and fall to my knees to crawl towards the toilet.
I lift the lid just in time.
Leaning over the toilet, I empty all the contents from my stomach. It isn"t much considering I skipped dinner and only had alcohol all evening. My eyes are watering and aching, and my throat is burning from the acid.
I hear Aaron Lewis singing about addiction and missing the one he loves. It makes my heart race and makes me crave a high only c.o.ke can give me...one that will help numb my mind, ease my sadness and stop the voices of my past .
Tears are still sliding down my cheeks when I pick myself up off the floor. Picking up Cane"s t-shirt, I slip it back on and make my way over to the sink to splash some water on my face and rinse my mouth out as I try to rid the taste of the vomit stinging my throat.
Turning off the music, I pad across the bathroom and head back into my bedroom. Stopping at my bedside table, I open the top drawer and retrieve my old cell phone before climbing back into bed slipping under the blankets.
Turning the phone on, I go to saved voicemails and scroll through to find one and hit play.
The sound of Cane"s voice makes b.u.t.terflies flutter in the pit of my stomach and causes a lump to form in my throat as I choke on a sob.
"Hey babe, just calling to say I love you and miss you so much. Soon enough I"ll be back home and driving you absolutely crazy. I hope you have a great day; I"ll call again when I can."
That was the last voice mail I ever received from Cane. I can"t listen to it enough. Whenever I hear him say I love you it sends chills through my entire body.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I push the tears out that have been pooling in my eyes; I feel one slide slowly over the bridge of my nose and drip onto my pillow. I"ve lost count of how many nights I"ve fallen asleep this way, and how many tears have stained my pillows since Cane was taken from me.
Sometime after four A.M. I finally fall asleep with Cane"s dog tags, and my phone held tightly against my chest. It"s all I have left, and I don"t think I"ll ever be able to let them go.
I Hold On.
It"s been six days since my one night stand with Jordon. Tonight will be the first time I"ll see him, and I am a bundle of nerves. Normally, I can hook up with a guy and care less if I see him again or not. Jordon has crawled into my head and refuses to get out.
I"m nervous that it"ll be weird or uncomfortable when we"re around each other after rehearsals for tomorrow"s concert. This is the main reason I do not sleep with anyone I work with; I hate being stuck in awkward situations. My concerts are the one escape I have from the f.u.c.ked up world I live in, and now, thanks to Mr. s.e.xy-as-sin-with-f.u.c.k-me-blue-eyes, I can"t stop stressing about this tour and seeing him tonight at rehearsals.
h.e.l.l, I"ve already changed my clothing three times!
I resorted to calling Roxie to help me pick out something. She immediately sensed something was going on and grilled me until I caved and spill all the dirty details from Sat.u.r.day night.
She freaked out when I told her that I felt more than just a great o.r.g.a.s.m when I was with Jordon. She"s been trying to get me to start dating again for years, she even resorted to making me a fricking profile on eHarmony!
Now that she knows I felt something when I was with Jordon, she is all aboard the Jordon train and driving me completely insane.
She keeps telling me to toss my rules out the window, and have as much meaningless s.e.x with Jordon as I can. If something more comes from it that will be an added bonus.
I told her even if I did, in the end, it would cause drama on our tour; which I do not want. "Friends with Benefits" always turns messy. It ends with someone getting hurt even if you start out with the best of intentions, because normally one of the two end up developing feelings that the other doesn"t reciprocate.
I doubt Jordon would want to hook up with me for the entire six month tour. Especially when there will be a million hot chicks begging to have a one night stand with him.
Everyone keeps telling me it"s been eight years since Cane"s death; I should get out there and date, have some fun. Not just have random hot s.e.x.
No one understands me or what the h.e.l.l I"m dealing with.
Christ! Even in his letter Cane told me he wants me to live a fulfilled life and to love again, but I just can"t find the strength to let go of him and move on.
So I keep holding on to my love for Cane with both hands, terrified of what will happen if I let him go and take that leap of faith by opening myself up to someone again.
Of course, the man-wh.o.r.e who happens to be the guitarist for my opening act, is the one guy, in all the guys I"ve met in eight years, to make me feel again?
Fate can be a b.i.t.c.h sometimes.
I already know I"m setting myself up for disaster if I allow Jordon back into my bed. The best thing I can do is stay as far away from Jordon Valentine as I can. Hopefully, I can find a hot random hook up while on the road that can f.u.c.k Jordon out of my system.
Parking my black Dodge Challenger at the American Airlines Stadium back entrance, I pull down my visor to check my make-up one more time.
I have to say I look pretty f.u.c.king hot right now.
Roxie convinced me to go with my new tight leather peplum dress with rows of silver spikes along my bust line, giving it an edgier look.
I touch up my fire engine red lips and step out onto the pavement. I"m rocking my seven inch Louboutin Black Lady Clou spiked platform heels covered in the same silver spikes as my dress and decorated with cute little bows and open toes showing off my red nails.
Red is definitely my color.
I felt like I needed a fresh new look before kicking off our tour tomorrow, so I had my hair done yesterday. The dark red looks awesome with the killer tan I"ve got going on thanks to chilling by the pool during my down time for the last eight months.
Our three tour buses are in the parking lot waiting to hit the road tomorrow night after our concert. I can"t wait to get back on the road, experience the different cities, and meeting my fans.
I never feel more alive than I do when I"m on stage with Beyond Redemption, singing to a crowd of thousands. After performing for eight years, I still get excited. I"m like a kid on Christmas morning before I step out on the stage and greet the fans.
After saying h.e.l.lo to the security guard at the back entrance, I make my way backstage where I hear the all familiar sounds of guitars and drums being tested.
There are people everywhere; running around getting the stage set up for tomorrow night"s sold out show. I wave to a few of our roadies and make my way towards the corner of the stage. I hear the familiar sound of Casper doing one of his famous riffs. He is a Rock G.o.d on his guitar.
My heart skips a beat when the stage comes into view. I see its Jordon playing the guitar, showing off his amazing skills to Casper, who"s got his guitar slung around his back at the moment.
I get lost in the moment admiring Jordon as he plays our newest number one song Falling into Darkness. There"s something erotic about hearing him play a song I wrote.
I"m so caught up in the moment I don"t hear my manager approaching until she"s standing right beside me.
"He"s really good. I thought for sure that was Casper playing." She says, making me jump.
Slamming my hand against my chest, I let out a small scream, "Holy s.h.i.t, Sonja! You scared the c.r.a.p out of me."
"I see that." She laughs rolling her eyes and turning her attention back towards the guys goofing off on stage.
"He has some mad skills, that"s for sure. I thought it was Casper too when I first heard the riff playing." I tell her, never taking my eyes off of Jordon.
It"s as if my eyes have a mind of their own. No matter how many times I try to look away and watch one of the other band members, my eyes always end up back on Jordon.
"You ready for tomorrow night?" She finally asks after a few moments of us both standing there in complete silence. I think we would much rather listen to the guys jam then speak to one another. Their sound just blends together perfectly.
I give her a genuine smile, "I"m way past ready. I can"t wait to get back on the road."
Rubbing my shoulder she turns towards me with a concerned look taking over her face, "You"ll let me know if, at any point, you"re feeling the urge to get high, right? Because your sobriety is my number one concern right now; we need you to be one hundred percent, so this tour is a success."
I have to refrain from rolling my eyes at her. Seriously! All our label cares about is this tour making them a b.u.t.t load of money. They pretend to be worried about my well-being, when really they"re concerned with how many millions will be in their bank accounts at the end of this six month tour.
I"ve already acknowledged that they"re counting on me to get through the next six months with my sobriety intact before they can set the official European tour dates. They don"t want to deal with having to refund fans because I ended up back in rehab, making them delay the tour.
I stretch a big fake smile across my face and finally answer her, "You"ll be the second to know, just after my sobriety sponsor. I have her on speed dial, and I have the green light to text her any time of the day or night. So you can rest a.s.sured I"m in good hands. I want, just as badly as you all do, to make this tour a success. I owe it to my fans. They"ve waited long enough for this new tour and alb.u.m."
Seeming pleased with my answer, Sonja soon checks her cell and says she has a meeting to get to. She leaves telling me over her shoulder she"ll see us tomorrow before the concert.
I head back to the green room to get a bottle of water and warm up my vocals before it"s time for Beyond Redemption"s sound check. I have twenty minutes before it"s time to find my spot on the stage.
Standing in the middle of the green room with my headphones on, I belt out my opening song for tomorrow. We"re down to five minutes before our rehearsal.
Halfway through the chorus, I feel a hand grope my a.s.s. Squealing, I tear my earbuds out and spin around to find Jordon standing behind me. As soon as our eyes meet, he flashes his heart stopping dimpled smile that I imagine has had every d.a.m.n woman he"s shown it to fall under his spell.
I feel heat flush between my thighs.
I am really getting annoyed with my body. My mind keeps telling it to forget about Jordon Valentine, but the minute he"s around me, my body craves...no it starves for his hands to be on my body.
He slowly slides his smoldering hot gaze from my head, down to my toes, stopping at my feet.
He lets out a low whistle before bringing those blue eyes that have haunted me in my sleep for the last six nights, back up to mine.
"d.a.m.n. Now those are some f.u.c.k me heels. I wonder what those spikes would feel like driving into my a.s.s while I ram my d.i.c.k into that tight little p.u.s.s.y of yours."
His words send shivers down my spine.
Trying to compose myself, I act like the thought of it disgusts me, "Well, sorry to burst your bubble, but you"ll never find out."
Spinning back around towards the mini bar, I grab another water, and gulp down half the bottle. He"s got me so worked up, I feel like my f.u.c.king v.a.g.i.n.a is on fire!
I feel his body brush against my backside as he slowly slides his fingers down my arms and presses his mouth to my ear, "You know you want me to bend you over this bar, lift up your dress..." He says with in his words laced in s.e.x, making my lady parts tingle, as he moves his hands down my sides, stopping at the hem of my dress right beneath my a.s.s. "Tear your panties off and f.u.c.k you like a dirty s.l.u.t, while you sing my name for the world to hear."
Maneuvering out of his grasp, I back away a few feet needing to put some distance between us before I allow him to f.u.c.k me senseless right here in the green room.
"I told you before and I"ll tell you again." I say, resting my hands on my hips, trying to show him I"m serious. But thanks to him getting my body all hot and bothered against my will, my chest is rising and falling at a rapid rate, "You and I will not happen ever again. It was A. One. Time. Thing. The sooner you get that through both of your heads, the better."
He lets out a husky laugh as he leans over, resting his hands on the bar, "You can keep telling yourself that, but your body reveals the truth. The truth you don"t seem to want to admit." Pushing off the bar, he stalks towards me, snaking his arm around my waist and backs me into the wall. The cool wall on my hot skin causes me to jump and press my body harder into his. He doesn"t even seem fazed by the fact that my b.o.o.bs just stabbed him with a row full of spikes.
Breathlessly I ask, "And what is it you think my body is telling you that my mouth isn"t?"
Dipping his head to the side, he begins to slowly slide his nose along my neck causing me to shiver as he whispers against my skin, "That you want me just as badly as I want you." His breath is hot on my skin, momentarily making my body give in to his touch.
Before I can get another word out we hear everyone approaching the door, which wakes me up out of the Jordon daze I was under. It was as if someone had dumped a bucket of ice water over my head.
Pushing him off of me, I quickly run to the door, and whip it open to find mine and Jordon"s bandmates on the other side.
"There you are!" Levi says reaching out and draping his arm over my shoulder. "We we"re just coming to get your a.s.s; it"s time to rehea.r.s.e."
I let out a nervous laugh, and pray I don"t look like I was just pinned against a wall with Jordon two seconds away from f.u.c.king me.
"Sorry, I was warming up. But I was just on my way out to the stage when y"all popped up outside. Let"s go knock this rehearsal out of the park."
The second I step on stage and grip my mic, I feel my body begin to relax. Jordon had every inch of me tied up in knots.
I spend the next two hours belting out song after song. Allowing myself to get lost in the lyrics, I forget about Jordon and the way he"s slowly unraveling me with every word and every touch.
Music is my therapy. My drug...the only high I crave or need.
It"s the one thing I can turn to. No matter what I"m feeling ten seconds before that moment, I will feel myself float back down to where I want to be. As soon as I close my eyes, I lose myself in the music and nothing else around me matters.
Not even Jordon.