Sometimes Suraj keeps the flower in his tray, among the combs and scent bottles and b.u.t.tons that he sells. Sometimes he offers the flower to a pa.s.sing child-to a girl who runs away; or it might be a boy who tears the flower to shreds. Some children keep it; others give flowers to Suraj when he pa.s.ses their houses.
Suraj has a flute which he plays whenever he is tired of going from house to house.
He will sit beneath a shady banyan or peepul, put his tray aside, and take out his flute. The haunting little notes travel down the road in the afternoon stillness, and children come to sit beside him and listen to the flute music. They are very quiet when he plays, because there is a little sadness about his music, and children especially can sense that sadness.
Suraj has made flutes out of pieces of bamboo; but he never sells them, he gives them away to the children he likes. He will sell anything, but not his flutes.
Sometimes Suraj plays his flutes at night, when I am lying awake on the cot, unable to sleep; and even when I fall asleep, the flute is playing in my dreams. Sometimes he brings it with him to the crooked tree, and plays it for the benefit of the birds; but the parrots only make harsh noises and fly away.
Once, when Suraj was playing his flute to a group of children, he had a fit. The flute fell from his hands, and he began to roll about in the dust on the roadside. The children were frightened and ran away.
But they did not stay away for long. The next time they heard the flute play, they came to listen as usual.
Fifteen.
As Suraj and I walked over a hill near the limestone quarries, past the shacks of the Rajasthani labourers, we met a funeral procession on its way to the cremation ground. Suraj placed his hand on my arm and asked me to wait until the procession had pa.s.sed. At the same time a cyclist dismounted and stood at the side of the road. Others hurried on, without glancing at the little procession.
"I was taught to respect the dead in this way," said Suraj. "Even if you do not respect a man in life, you should respect him in death. The body is unimportant, but we should honour it out of respect for the man"s mind."
"It is a good custom," I said.
"It must be difficult to live on after one you have loved has died."
"I don"t know. It has not happened to me. If a love is strong, I cannot see its end. . . . It cannot end in death, I feel. . . . Even physically, you would exist for me somehow."
He was asleep when I returned late at night from a card-game in which I had lost fifty rupees. I was a little drunk, and when I tripped near the door way, he woke up; and though he did not open his eyes, I felt he was looking at me.
I felt very guilty and ashamed, because he had been ill that day, and I had forgotten it. Now there was no point in saying I was sorry. Drunkenness is really a vice, because it degrades a man, and humiliates him.
Prost.i.tution is degrading, but a prost.i.tute can still keep her dignity; thieving is degrading according to the character of the theft; begging is degrading but it is not as undignified as drunkenness. In all our vices we are aware of our degradation; but in drunkenness we lose our pride, our heads, and, above all, our natural dignity. We become so obviously and helplessly "human", that we lose our glorious animal ident.i.ty.
I sat down at the side of the bed, and bending over Suraj, whispered, "I got drunk and lost fifty rupees, what am I to do about it?"
He smiled, but still he didn"t open his eyes, and I kicked off my sandals and pulled off my shirt and lay down across the foot of the bed. He was still burning with fever, I could feel it radiating through the sheet.
We were silent for a long time, and I didn"t know if he was awake or asleep; so I pressed his foot and said, "I"m sorry," but he was asleep now, and did not hear me.
Moonlight.
Pipalnagar looks clean in the moonlight, and my thoughts are different from my daytime thoughts.
The streets are empty, and the moon probes the alley-ways, and there is a silver dustbin, and even the slush and the puddles near the bus stop shimmer and glisten.
Kisses in the moonlight. Hungry kisses. The shudder of bodies clinging to each other on the moonswept floor.
A drunken quarrel in the street. Voices rise and fall. The night-watchman waits for the trouble to pa.s.s, and then patrols the street once more, banging the lathi on the pavement.
Kamla asleep. She sleeps like an angel. I go downstairs and walk in the moonlight. I met Suraj coming home, his books under his arm; he has been studying late with Aziz, who keeps a junk shop near the station. Their exams are only a month off. I am confident that Suraj will be successful; I am only afraid that he will work himself to a standstill; with his weak chest and the uncertainty of his fits, he should not walk all day and read all night.
When I wake in the early hours of the morning and Kamla stirs beside me in her sleep (her hair so laden with perfume that my own sleep has been fitful and disturbed), Suraj is still squatting on the floor, reading by the light of the kerosene lamp.
And even when he has finished reading he does not sleep, but asks me to walk with him before the sun rises, and, as women were not made to get up before the sun, we leave Kamla stretched out on the cot, relaxed and languid; small b.r.e.a.s.t.s and a boy"s waist; her hair tumbling about the pillow; her mouth slightly apart, her lips still swollen and bruised with kisses.
I have been seeking through s.e.x something beyond s.e.x-a union with all mankind.
Sixteen.
It was Lord Krishna"s birthday, and the rain came down as heavily as it must have done the day Krishna was born in Brindaban. Krishna is the best beloved of all the G.o.ds. Young mothers laugh and weep as they read or hear the pranks of his childhood; young men pray to be as tall and strong as Krishna was when he killed Kamsa"s elephant and Kamsa"s wrestlers; young girls dream of a lover as daring as Krishna to carry them off like Rukmani in a war chariot; grown up men envy the wisdom and statesmanship with which he managed the affairs of his kingdom.
The rain came suddenly and took everyone by surprise. In a few seconds, people were drenched to the skin, and within ten minutes the mohalla was completely flooded. The temple tank overflowed, the railway lines disappeared, and the old wall near the bus stop shivered and fell silently, the noise of the collapse drowned by the rain.
Those whose beard had not yet appeared enjoyed themselves immensely. Children shrieked with excitement, and five naked young men with a dancing bear cavorted in the middle of the vegetable market.
Wading knee-deep down the road, I saw roadside vendors salvaging what they could. Plastic toys, cabbages and utensils floated away and were seized upon by urchins. The water had risen to the level of the shop-fronts, and the floors were awash. Aziz was afloat in his junk shop. Deep Chand, Ramu and a customer were using buckets to bail the water out of their premises. Pitamber churned through the stream in his cycle-rickshaw, offering free lifts to the women in the bazaar with their saris held high above their knees.
The rain stopped as suddenly as it had begun. The sun came out. The water began to find an outlet, flooding other low-lying areas, and a paper-boat came sailing between my legs.
"When did you last go out of Pipalnagar?" I asked Suraj. "I mean far out, to another part of the country?"
"Not since I came here," he said. "I have never had the funds. And you?"
"I don"t remember. I have been stagnating in Pipalnagar for five years without a break. I would like to see the hills again. Once, when I was a child, my parents took me to the hills. I remember them vividly-pine trees, the wind at night, men carrying loads of wood up the steep mountain paths-yes, I would like to see the hills again . . ."
"I have never seen them," said Suraj.
"How strange! I don"t think that a man can be complete until he has lived in the hills. Of course we are never complete, but there is something about a mountain that adds a new dimension to life. The change in air and alt.i.tude makes one think and feel and act differently. Suraj, we must go to the hills! This is the time to go. Let"s get away from this insufferable heat, from these drains and smells and noises-even if it is only for a few days. . ."
"But my exams are only a few weeks off."
"Good. The change will help. Bring your books along. You will study much better there. You will feel better. I can guarantee that you will not have a single fit all the time we are away!"
I was carried away in a flood of enthusiasm. I waved my arms about and described the splendour of the sun rising-or setting-behind Manda Devi, and talked about the book I could write if I stayed a few weeks in the hills.
"But what about money?" interrupted Suraj, breaking in on my oration. "How do we go there?"
"Money?" I said contemptuously. "Money?" I said again, more respectfully. And then doubtfully, "Money."
"Yes, money," I muttered to myself, and sat down on the string cot, suddenly deflated and discouraged.
Suraj burst into laughter.
"What are you laughing about?" I hissed.
"I can"t help it," he said, holding his sides with mirth. "It"s your face. One minute it was broad with smiles, now it is long and mournful, like the face of a horse."
"We"ll get money!" I shouted, springing up again. "How much do we need-two hundred, five hundred-it"s easy! My gold ring can be p.a.w.ned. On our return we shall retrieve it. The book will see to that."
I was never to see my ring again, but that did not matter. We managed to raise a hundred rupees, and with it we prepared ourselves feverishly for our journey, afraid that at the last moment something would prevent us from going.
We were to travel by train to the railway terminus, a night"s journey, then take the bus. Though we hoped to be away for at least a week, our funds did not in fact last more than four days.
We locked our room, left the key with Kamla, and asked Deep Chand to keep an eye on both her and our things.
In the train that night Suraj had a mild fit. It helped reduce the numbers in our compartment. Some, thinking he suffered from a communicable disease, took themselves and their belongings elsewhere; others, used to living with illness, took no notice. But Suraj was not to have any more fits until we returned to Pipalnagar.
We slept fitfully that night, continually shifting our positions on the hard bench of the third-cla.s.s compartment; Suraj with his head against my shoulder, I with my feet on my bedding roll. Above us, a Sikh farmer slept vigorously, his healthy snores reverberating through the compartment. A woman with her brood of four or five children occupied the bunk opposite; they had knocked over their earthen surahi, smashing it and flooding the compartment. Two young men in the corner played cards and exchanged lewd jokes. No general companionship was at all evident, but whenever the train drew into a station everyone cooperated in trying to prevent people on the outside from entering the already crowded compartment; and if someone did manage to get in-usually by crawling through a window-he would fall in with the same policy of keeping others out.
We woke in the early hours of the morning and looked out of the window at the changing landscape. It was so long since I had seen trees-not trees singly or in clumps, but forests of trees, thick and dark and broody, commencing at the railway tracks and stretching away to the foot hills. Trees full of birds and monkeys; and in the forest clearing we saw a deer, it"s head raised, scenting the wind . . .
Seventeen.
There were many small hotels in the little town that straddled two or three hills; but Suraj and I went to a dharamsala where we were given a small room overlooking the valley. We did not spend much time there. There were too many hills and streams and trees inviting us on all sides; it seemed as though they had been waiting all those years for our arrival. Each tree has an individuality of its own-perhaps more individuality than a man-and if you look at a tree with a personal eye, it will give you something of itself, something deep and personal; its smell, its sap, its depth and wisdom.
So we mingled with the trees. We felt and understood the dignity of the pine, the weariness of the willow, the resignation of the oak. The blossoms had fallen from the plum and apricot trees, and the branches were bare, touched with the light green of new foliage. Pine needles made the ground soft and slippery, and we went sliding downhill on our bottoms.
Then we took paper and pencil and some mangoes, and went among some rocks, and there I wrote odd things that came into my head, about the hills and the sounds we heard.
The silence of the mountains was accentuated by the occasional sounds around us-a shepherd boy shouting to his mate, a girl singing to her cattle, the jingle of cow bells, a woman pounding clothes on a flat stone . . . Then, when these sounds stopped, there were quieter, subtler sounds-the singing of crickets, whistling of anonymous birds, the wind soughing in the pine trees . . .
It was hot in the sun, until a cloud came over, and then it was suddenly cool, and our shirts flapped against us in the breeze.
The hills went striding away into the distance. The nearest hill was covered with oak and pine, the next was brown and naked and topped with a white temple, like a candle on a fruit-cake. The furthest hill was a misty blue.
Eighteen.
The "season" as they called it, was just beginning in the hills. Those who had money came to the hill-station for a few weeks, to parade up and down the Mall in a variety of costumes ranging from formal dinner jackets to cowboy jeans. There were the Anglicized elite, models of English gentry, and there was the younger set, imitating western youth as depicted in films and glossy magazines. Suraj and I felt out of place walking down the Mall in kameez and pyjamas; we were foreigners on our own soil. Were these really Indians exhibiting themselves, or were they ghastly caricatures of the West?
The town itself had gone to seed. English houses and cottages, built by unimaginative Victorians to last perhaps fifty years, were now over a hundred years old, all in a state of immediate collapse. No one repaired them, no one tore them down. Some had been built to look like Swiss chateaux, others like Arabian Nights castles, most like homely English cottages-all were out of place, incongruous oddities desecrating a majestic mountain.
Though the Sahibs had gone long ago, coolie-drawn rickshaws still plied the steep roads, transporting portly Bombay and Delhi businessmen and their shrill, quarrelsome wives from one end of the hill-station to the other. It was as though a community of wealthy Indians had colonized an abandoned English colony, and had gone native, adopting English clothes and att.i.tudes.
A lonely place on a steep slope, hidden by a thicket of oaks through which the sun filtered warmly. We lay on crisp dry oak leaves, while a cool breeze fanned our naked bodies.
I wondered at the frail beauty of Suraj"s body, at the transient beauty of all flesh, the vehicle of our consciousness. I thought of Kamla"s body-firm, supple, economical, in spite of the indignities to which it had been put; of the body of a child, soft and warm and throbbing with vigour; the bodies of pot-bellied glandular males; and bodies bent and deformed and eaten away. . . . The armours of our consciousness, every hair from the head to the genitals a live and beautiful thing . . .
I believe in the death of flesh, but not in the end of living.
When, at the age of six, I saw my first mountain, it did not astonish me; it was something new and exhilarating, but all the same I felt I had known mountains before. Trees and flowers and rivers were not strange things. I had lived with them, too. In new places, new faces, we see the familiar. Even as children we are old in experience. We are not conscious of a beginning, only of an eternity.
Death must be an interval, a rest for a tired and misused body, which has to be destroyed before it can be renewed. But consciousness is a continuing thing.
Our very thoughts have an existence of their own.
Are we so unimaginative as to presume that life is confined to the sh.e.l.ls that are our bodies? Science and religion have not even touched upon the mysteries of our existence.
Let me not confine myself to the few years between this birth and this death-which is, after all, only the period I can remember well . . .
In moments of rare intimacy two people are of one mind and one body, speaking only in thoughts, brilliantly aware of each other.
I have felt this way about Suraj even when he is far away; his thoughts hover about me, as they do now.
He lies beside me with his eyes closed and his head turned away, but all the time we are talking, talking, talking. . . .
To a temple on the spur of a hill. Scrambling down a slippery hillside, getting caught in th.o.r.n.y thickets, among sharp rocks; along a dry water-course, where we saw the skeleton of a jungle-cat, its long, sharp teeth still in perfect condition.
A footpath, winding round the hill to the temple; a forest of silver oaks shimmering in the breeze. Cool, sweet water bubbling out of the mountain side, the sweetest, most delicious water I have ever tasted, coming through rocks and ferns and green gra.s.ses.