ON THE STUMP.
A SPEAKER at a stump meeting out West, declared that he knew no East, no West, no North, no South.
"Then," said a tipsy bystander, "you ought to go to school and larn your geography."
LITERARY HUSBAND.
"I WISH," said a beautiful wife to her studious husband, "I wish I was a book." "I wish you were--an _almanac_," replied her lord, "and then I would get a new one every year." Just then the silk rustled.
ECONOMY.
"BLAST your stingy old skin!" said a runner to a compet.i.tor, before a whole depot full of bystanders: "I knew you when you used to hire your children to go to bed without their suppers, and after they got to sleep you"d go up and steal their pennies to hire "em with again the next night!"
A TRICK.
THE following story is told of a boy who was asked to take a jug and get some beer for his father, who had spent all his money for strong drink.
"Give me the money, then, father," replied the son.
"My son, any body can get the beer with money, but to get it without money, that is a trick."
So the boy took the jug and went out. Shortly he returned, and placing the jug before his father, said, "Drink."
"How can I drink, when there is no beer in the jug?"
"To drink beer out of a jug," says the boy, "where there is beer, anybody could do that; but to drink beer out of a jug where there is no beer, that is a trick!"
QUICK TIME.
A GENTLEMAN was one day arranging music for a young lady to whom he was paying his addresses.
"Pray, Miss D----," said he, "what time do you prefer?"
"Oh," she replied carelessly, "any time will answer, but the quicker the better."
STRONG AFFECTION.
THERE is a man who says he has been at evening parties out West, where the boys and girls hug so hard that their sides cave in. He says he has many of his own ribs broken that very way.
VERY AFFECTING.
A PROFESSIONAL beggar boy, some ten years of age, ignorant of the art of reading, bought a card to put on his breast, and appeared in the public streets as a "poor widow with eight small children."
HARD SHAVE.
"DOES the razor take hold well?" inquired a darkey, who was shaving a gentleman from the country. "Yes," replied the customer, with tears in his eyes, "it takes hold first rate, but it don"t let go worth a cent."
COULDN"T TELL HIS FATHER.
CICERO was of low birth, and Metellus was the son of a licentious woman.
Metellus said to Cicero, "Dare you tell your father"s name?" Cicero replied, "Can your mother tell yours?"
A SAUCY DOCTOR.
"Why, doctor," said a sick lady, "you give me the same medicine that you are giving my husband. Why is that?" "All right," replied the doctor, "what is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander."
EXPOSING A PARSON.