WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 12, 1944
Dearest Kitty, Bep"s been back for the last two weeks, though her sister won"t be allowed back at school until next week. Bep herself spent two days in bed with a bad cold. Miep and Jan were also out for two days, with upset stomachs.
I"m currently going through a dance and ballet craze and am diligently practicing my dance steps every evening. I"ve made an ultramodern dance costume out of a lacy lavender slip belonging to Momsy. Bias tape is threaded through the top and tied just above the bust. A pink corded ribbon completes the ensemble. I tried to turn my tennis shoes into ballet slippers, but with no success. My stiff limbs are well on the way to becoming as limber as they used to be. A terrific exercise is to sit on the floor, place a heel in each hand and raise both legs in the air. I have to sit on a cushion, because otherwise my poor backside really takes a beating.
Everyone here is reading a book called A Cloudless Morning. Mother thought it was extremely good because it describes a number of adolescent problems. I thought to myself, a bit ironically, "Why don"t you take more interest in your own adolescents first!"
I think Mother believes that Margot and I have a better relationship with our parents than anyone in the whole wide world, and that no mother is more involved in the lives of her children than she is. She must have my sister in mind, since I don"t believe Margot has the same problems and thoughts as I do. Far be it from me to point out to Mother that one of her daughters is not at all what she imagines. She"d be completely bewildered, and anyway, she"d never be able to change; I"d like to spare her that grief, especially since I know that everything would remain the same. Mother does sense that Margot loves her much more than I do, but she thinks I"m just going through a phase. Margot"s gotten much nicer. She seems a lot different than she used to be. She"s not nearly as catty these days and is becoming a real friend. She no longer thinks of me as a litde kid who doesn"t count.
It"s funny, but I can sometimes see myself as others see me. I take a leisurely look at the person called "Anne Frank" and browse through the pages of her life as though she were a stranger.
Before I came here, when I didn"t think about things as much as I do now, I occasionally had the feeling that I didn"t belong to Momsy, Pim and Margot and that I would always be an outsider. I sometimes went around for six months at a time pretending I was an orphan. Then I"d chastise myself for playing the victim, when really, I"d always been so fortunate. After that I"d force myself to be friendly for a while. Every morning when I heard footsteps on the stairs, I hoped it would be Mother coming to say good morning. I"d greet her warmly, because I honesly did look forward to her affectionate glance. But then she"d snap at me for having made some comment or other (and I"d go off to school feeling completely discouraged.
On the way home I"d make excuses for her, telling myself that she had so many worries. I"d arrive home in high spirits, chatting nineteen to the dozen, until the events of the morning would repeat themselves and I"d leave the room with my schoolbag in my hand and a pensive look on my face. Sometimes I"d decide to stay angry, but then I always had so much to talk about after school that I"d forget my resolution and want Mother to stop whatever she was doing and lend a willing ear. Then the time would come once more when I no longer listened for the steps on the stairs and felt lonely and cried into my pillow every night. Everything has gotten much worse here. But you already knew that. Now G.o.d has sent someone to help me: Peter. I fondle my pendant, press it to my lips and think, "What do I care! Petel is mine and n.o.body knows it!" With this in mind, I can rise above every nasty remark. Which of the people here would suspect that so much is going on in the mind of a teenage girl?
SAt.u.r.dAY, JANUARY 15, 1944
My dearest Kitty, There"s no reason for me to go on describing all our quarrels and arguments down to the last detail. It"s enough to tell you that we"ve divided many things like meat and fats and oils and are frying our own potatoes. Recently we"ve been eating a little extra rye bread because by four o"clock we"re so hungry for dinner we can barely control our rumbling stomachs.
Mother"s birthday is rapidly approaching. She received some extra sugar from Mr. Kugler, which sparked off jealousy on the part of the van Daans, because Mrs. van D. didn"t receive any on her birthday. But what"s the point of boring you with harsh words, spiteful conversations and tears when you know they bore us even more?
Mother has expressed a wish, which isn"t likely to come true any time soon: not to have to see Mr. van Daan"s face for two whole weeks. I wonder if everyone who shares a house sooner or later ends up at odds with their fellow residents. Or have we just had a stroke of bad luck? At mealtime, when Dussel helps himself to a quarter of the half-filled gravy boat and leaves the rest of us to do without, I lose my appet.i.te and feel like jumping to my feet, knocking him off his chair and throwing him out the door.
Are most people so stingy and selfish? I"ve gained some insight into human nature since I came here, which is good, but I"ve had enough for the present. Peter says the same.
The war is going to go on despite our quarrels and our longing for freedom and fresh air, so we should try to make the best of our stay here.
I"m preaching, but I also believe that if I live here much longer, I"ll turn into a dried-up old beanstalk. And all I really want is to be an honest-to-goodness teenager!
Yours, Anne
WEDNESDAY EVENING, JANUARY 19, 1944
Dearest Kitty, I (there I go again!) don"t know what"s happened, but since my dream I keep noticing how I"ve changed. By the way, I dreamed about Peter again last night and once again I felt his eyes penetrate mine, but this dream was less vivid and not quite as beautiful as the last.
You know that I always used to be jealous of Margot"s relationship with Father. There"s not a trace of my jealousy left now; I still feel hurt when Father"s nerves cause him to be unreasonable toward me, but then I think, "I can"t blame you for being the way you are. You talk so much about the minds of children and adolescents, but you don"t know the first thing about them!" I long for more than Father"s affection, more than his hugs and kisses. Isn"t it awful of me to be so preoccupied with myself? Shouldn"t I, who want to be good and kind, forgive them first? I forgive Mother too, but every time she makes a sarcastic remark or laughs at me, it"s all I can do to control myself.
I know I"m far from being what I should; will I ever be?
Anne Frank P.S. Father asked if I told you about the cake. For Mother"s birthday, she received a real mocha cake, prewar quality, from the office. It was a really nice day! But at the moment there"s no room in my head for things like that. SAt.u.r.dAY, JANUARY 22, 1944 Dearest Kitty, Can you tell me why people go to such lengths to hide their real selves? Or why I always behave very differently when I"m in the company of others? Why do people have so little trust in one another? I know there must be a reason, but sometimes I think it"s horrible that you can"t ever confide in anyone, not even those closest to you.
It seems as if I"ve grown up since the night I had that dream, as if I"ve become more independent. You"ll be amazed when I tell you that even my att.i.tude toward the van Daans has changed. I"ve stopped looking at all the discussions and arguments from my family"s biased point of view. What"s brought on such a radical change? Well, you see, I suddenly realized that if Mother had been different, if she"d been a real mom, our relationship would have been very, very different. Mrs. van Daan is by no means a wonderful person, yet half the arguments could have been avoided if Mother hadn"t been so hard to deal with every time they got onto a tricky subject. Mrs. van Daan does have one good point, though: you can talk to her. She may be selfish, stingy and underhanded, but she"ll readily back down as long as you don"t provoke her and make her unreasonable. This tactic doesn"t work every time, but if you"re patient, you can keep trying and see how far you get.
All the conflicts about our upbringing, about not pampering children, about the food-about everything, absolutely everything-might have taken a different turn if we"d remained open and on friendly terms instead of always seeing the worst side.
I know exactly what you"re going to say, Kitty.
"But, Anne, are these words really coming from your lips? From you, who have had to put up with so many unkind words from upstairs? From you, who are aware of all the injustices?"
And yet they are coming from me. I want to take a fresh look at things and form my own opinion, not just ape my parents, as in the proverb "The apple never falls far from the tree." I want to reexamine the van Daans and decide for myself what"s true and what"s been blown out of proportion. If I wind up being disappointed in them, I can always side with Father and Mother. But if not, I can try to change their att.i.tude. And if that doesn"t work, I"ll have to stick with my own opinions and judgment. I"ll take every opportunity to speak openly to Mrs. van D. about our many differences and not be afraid -- despite my reputation as a smart aleck-to offer my impartial opinion. I won"t say anything negative about my own family, though that doesn"t mean I won"t defend them if somebody else does, and as of today, my gossiping is a thing of the past. Up to now I was absolutely convinced that the van Daans were entirely to blame for the quarrels, but now I"m sure the fault was largely ours. We were right as far as the subject matter was concerned, but intelligent people (such as ourselves!) should have more insight into how to deal with others. I hope I"ve got at least a touch of that insight, and that I"ll find an occasion to put it to good use.
Yours, Anne
MONDAY, JANUARY 24, 1944
Dearest Kitty, A very strange thing has happened to me. (Actually, "happened" isn"t quite the right word.) Before I came here, whenever anyone at home or at school talked about s.e.x, they were either secretive or disgusting. Any words having to do with s.e.x were spoken in a low whisper, and kids who weren"t in the know were often laughed at. That struck me as odd, and I often wondered why people were so mysterious or obnoxious when they talked about this subject. But because I couldn"t change things, I said as little as possible or asked my girlfriends for information. After I"d learned quite a lot, Mother once said to me, "Anne, let me give you some good advice. Never discuss this with boys, and if they bring it up, don"t answer them."
I still remember my exact reply. "No, of course not," I exclaimed. "Imagine!" And nothing more was said.
When we first went into hiding, Father often told me about things I"d rather have heard from Mother, and I learned the rest from books or things I picked up in conversations.
Peter van Daan wasn"t ever as obnoxious about this subject as the boys at school. Or maybe just once or twice, in the beginning, though he wasn"t trying to get me to talk. Mrs. van Daan once told us she"d never discussed these matters with Peter, and as far as she knew, neither had her husband. Apparently she didn"t even know how much Peter knew or where he got his information. Yesterday, when Margot, Peter and I were peeling potatoes, the conversation somehow turned to Boche. "We"re still not sure whether Boche is a boy or a girl, are we?" I asked.
Yes we are, he answered. "Boche is a tomcat."
I began to laugh. "Some tomcat if he"s pregnant."
Peter and Margot joined in the laughter. You see, a month or two ago Peter informed us that Boche was sure to have kittens before long, because her stomach was rapidly swelling. However, Boche"s fat tummy turned out to be due to a bunch of stolen bones. No kittens were growing inside, much less about to be born.
Peter felt called upon to defend himself against my accusation. "Come with me. You can see for yourself. I was horsing around with the cat one day, and I could definitely see it was a "he." "
Unable to restrain my curiosity, I went with him to the warehouse. Boche, however, wasn"t receiving visitors at that hour, and was nowhere in sight. We waited for a while, but when it got cold, we went back upstairs. Later that afternoon I heard Peter go downstairs for the second time. I mustered the courage to walk through the silent house by myself and reached the warehouse. Boche was on the packing table, playing with Peter, who was getting ready to put him on the scale and weigh him.
"Hi, do you want to have a look?" Without any preliminaries, he picked up the cat, turned him over on his back, deftly held his head and paws and began the lesson. "This is the male s.e.xual organ, these are a few stray hairs, and that"s his backside."
The cat flipped himself over and stood up on his little white feet. If any other boy had pointed out the "male s.e.xual organ" to me, I would never have given him a second glance. But Peter went on talking in a normal voice about what is otherwise a very awkward subject. Nor did he have any ulterior motives. By the time he"d finished, I felt so much at ease that I started acting normally too. We played with Boche, had a good time, chatted a bit and finally sauntered through the long warehouse to the door. "Were you there when Mouschi was fixed?"
"Yeah, sure. It doesn"t take long. They give the cat an anesthetic, of course." "Do they take something out?"
"No, the vet just snips the tube. There"s nothing to see on the outside." I had to get up my nerve to ask a question, since it wasn"t as "normal" as I thought. "Peter, the German word Geschlechtsteil means "s.e.xual organ," doesn"t it? But then the male and female ones have different names."
"I know that."
"The female one is a v.a.g.i.n.a, that I know, but I don"t know what it"s called in males."
"Oh well," I said. "How are we supposed to know these words? Most of the time you just come across them by accident."
"Why wait? I"ll ask my parents. They know more than I do and they"ve had more experience."
We were already on the stairs, so nothing more was said.
Yes, it really did happen. I"d never have talked to a girl about this in such a normal tone of voice. I"m also certain that this isn"t what Mother meant when she warned me about boys.
All the same, I wasn"t exactly my usual self for the rest of the day. When I thought back to our talk, it struck me as odd. But I"ve learned at least one thing: there are young people, even those of the opposite s.e.x, who can discuss these things naturally, without cracking jokes.
Is Peter really going to ask his parents a lot of questions? Is he really the way he seemed yesterday?
Oh, what do I know?!!!
Yours, Anne
FRIDAY, JANUARY 28, 1944
Dearest Kitty, In recent weeks I"ve developed a great liking for family trees and the genealogical tables of royal families. I"ve come to the conclusion that once you begin your search, you have to keep digging deeper and deeper into the past, which leads you to even more interesting discoveries.
Although I"m extremely diligent when it comes to my schoolwork and can pretty much follow the BBC Home Service on the radio, I still spend many of my Sundays sorting out and looking over my movie-star collection, which has grown to a very respectable size. Mr. Kugler makes me happy every Monday by bringing me a copy of Cinema & Theater magazine. The less worldly members of our household often refer to this small indulgence as a waste of money, yet they never fail to be surprised at how accurately I can list the actors in any given movie, even after a year. Bep, who often goes to the movies with her boyfriend on her day off, tells me on Sat.u.r.day the name of the show they"re going to see, and I then proceed to rattle off the names of the leading actors and actresses and the reviews. Moms recently remarked ; that I wouldn"t need to go to the movies later on, because !
I know all the plots, the names of the stars and the reviews by heart. Whenever I come sailing in with a new hairstyle, I I can read the disapproval on their faces, and I can be sure someone will ask which movie star I"m trying to imitate. My reply, that it"s my own invention, is greeted with ~ skepticism. As for the hairdo, it doesn"t hold its set for ~ more than half an hour. By that time I"m so sick and tired i of their remarks that I race to the bathroom and restore my hair to its normal ma.s.s of curls.
Yours, Anne
FRIDAY, JANUARY 28, 1944
Dearest Kitty, This morning I was wondering whether you ever felt like a cow, having to chew my stale news over and over again until you"re so fed up with the monotonous fare that you yawn and secretly wish Anne would dig up something new. Sorry, I know you find it dull as ditchwater, but imagine how sick and tired I am of hearing the same old stuff. If the talk at mealtime isn"t about politics or good food, then Mother or Mrs. van D. trot out stories about their childhood that we"ve heard a thousand times before, or Dussel goes on and on about beautiful racehorses, his Charlotte"s extensive wardrobe, leaky rowboats, boys who can swim at the age of four, aching muscles and frightened patients. It all boils down to this: whenever one of the eight of us opens his mouth, the other seven can finish the story for him. We know the punch line of every joke before it gets told, so that whoever"s telling it is left to laugh alone. The various milkmen, grocers and butchers of the two former housewives have been praised to the skies or run into the ground so many times that in our imaginations they"ve grown as old as Methuselah; there"s absolutely no chance of anything new or fresh being brought up for discussion in the Annex.
Still, all this might be bearable if only the grown-ups weren"t in the habit of repeating the stories we hear from Mr. Kleiman, jan or Miep, each time embellishing them with a few details of their own, so that I often have to pinch my arm under the table to keep myself from setting the enthusiastic storyteller on the right track. Little children, such as Anne, must never, ever correct their elders, no matter how many blunders they make or how often they let their imaginations run away with them.
Jan and Mr. Kleiman love talking about people who have gone underground or into hiding; they know we"re eager to hear about others in our situation and that we truly sympathize with the sorrow of those who"ve been arrested as well as the joy of prisoners who"ve been freed.
Going underground or into hiding has become as routine as the proverbial pipe and slippers that used to await the man of the house after a long day at work. There are many resistance groups, such as Free Netherlands, that forge ident.i.ty cards, provide financial support to those in hiding, organize hiding places and find work for young Christians who go underground. It"s amazing how much these generous and unselfish people do, risking their own lives to help and save others.
The best example of this is our own helpers, who have managed to pull us through so far and will hopefully bring us safely to sh.o.r.e, because otherwise they"ll find themselves sharing the fate of those they"re trying to protect. Never have they uttered a single word about the burden we must be, never have they complained that we"re too much trouble. They come upstairs every day and talk to the men about business and politics, to the women about food and wartime difficulties and to the children about books and newspapers. They put on their most cheerful expressions, bring flowers and gifts for birthdays and holidays and are always ready to do what they can. That"s something we should never forget; while others display their heroism in battle or against the Germans, our helpers prove theirs every day by their good spirits and affection.
The most bizarre stories are making the rounds, yet most of them are really true. For instance, Mr. Kleiman reported this week that a soccer match was held in the province of Gelderland; one team consisted entirely of men who had gone underground, and the other of eleven Military Policemen. In Hilversum, new registration cards were issued. In order for the many people in hiding to get their rations (you have to show this card to obtain your ration book or else pay 60 guilders a book), the registrar asked all those hiding in that district to pick up their cards at a specified hour, when the doc.u.ments could be collected at a separate table.
All the same, you have to be careful that stunts like these don"t reach the ears of the Germans.
Yours, Anne
SUNDAY, JANUARY 30, 1944
My dearest Kit, Another Sunday has rolled around; I don"t mind them as much as I did in the beginning, but they"re boring enough.
I still haven"t gone to the warehouse yet, but maybe sometime soon. Last night I went downstairs in the dark, all by myself, after having been there with Father a few nights before. I stood at the top of the stairs while German planes flew back and forth, and I knew I was on my own, that I couldn"t count on others for support. My fear vanished. I looked up at the sky and trusted in G.o.d.
I have an intense need to be alone. Father has noticed I"m not my usual self, but I can"t tell him what"s bothering me. All I want to do is scream "Let me be, leave me alone!"
Who knows, perhaps the day will come when I"m left alone more than I"d like! Anne Frank
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 3, 1944
Dearest Kitty, Invasion fever is mounting daily throughout the country. If you were here, I"m sure you"d be as impressed as I am at the many preparations, though you"d no doubt laugh at all the fuss we"re making. Who knows, it may all be for nothing! The papers are full of invasion news and are driving everyone insane with such statements as: "In the event of a British landing in Holland, the Germans will do what they can to defend the country, even flooding it, if necessary." They"ve published maps of Holland with the potential flood areas marked. Since large portions of Amsterdam were shaded in, our first question was what we should do if the water in the streets rose to above our waists. This tricky question elicited a variety of responses: "It"ll be impossible to walk or ride a bike, so we"ll have to wade through the water."
"Don"t be silly. We"ll have to try and swim. We"ll all put on our bathing suits and caps and swim underwater as much as we can, so n.o.body can see we"re Jews." "Oh, baloney! I can just imagine the ladies swimming with the rats biting their legs!" (That was a man, of course; we"ll see who screams loudest!) "We won"t even be able to leave the house. The warehouse is so unstable it"ll collapse if there"s a flood."
"Listen, everyone, all joking aside, we really ought to try and get a boat." "Why bother? I have a better idea. We can each take a packing crate from the attic and row with a wooden spoon."
"I"m going to walk on stilts. I used to be a whiz at it when I was young." "Jan Gies won"t need to. He"ll let his wife ride piggyback, and then Miep will be on stilts."
So now you have a rough idea of what"s going on, don"t you, Kit? This lighthearted banter is all very amusing, but reality will prove otherwise. The second question about the invasion was bound to arise: what should we do if the Germans evacuate Amsterdam?
"Leave the city along with the others. Disguise ourselves as well as we can." "Whatever happens, don"t go outside! The best thing to do is to stay put! The Germans are capable of herding the entire population of Holland into Germany, where they"ll all die."
"Of course we"ll stay here. This is the safest place.
We"ll try to talk Kleiman and his family into coming here to live with us. We"ll somehow get hold of a bag of wood shavings, so we can sleep on the floor. Let"s ask Miep and Kleiman to bring some blankets, just in case. And we"ll order some extra cereal grains to supplement the sixty-five pounds we already have. Jan can try to find some more beans. At the moment we"ve got about sixty-five pounds of beans and ten pounds of split peas. And don"t forget the fifty cans of vegetables."
"What about the rest, Mother? Give us the latest figures." , "Ten cans of fish, forty cans of milk, twenty pounds of powdered milk, three bottles of oil, four crocks of b.u.t.ter, four jars of meat, two big jars of strawberries, two jars of raspberries, twenty jars of tomatoes, ten pounds of oatmeal, nine pounds of rice. That"s it."
Our provisions are holding out fairly well. All the same, we have to feed the office staff, which means dipping into our stock every week, so it"s not as much as it seems. We have enough coal and firewood, candles too. "Let"s all make little moneybags to hide in our clothes so we can take our money with us if we need to leave here."
"We can make lists of what to take first in case we have to run for it, and pack our knapsacks in advance."
"When the time comes, we"ll put two people on the lookout, one in the loft at the front of the house and one in the back."
"Hey, what"s the use of so much food if there isn"t any water, gas or electricity?"