"Okay," he said, and still trembled. Words inside his head, knowledge inside his head. But he remained blind, and the pain also remained. "Who are you?" he said. "Tell me your name. VALIS
"Who is "Valis"?" he said. THE LORD YOUR G.o.d
He said, "Don"t hurt me."
BE NOT AFRAID, MAN.
His sight began to clear. He removed his hands from before his eyes. Zina stood there, in her suede leather jacket and jeans; only a second had pa.s.sed. She was moving back, after having kissed him. Did she know? How could she know? Only he and Valis knew. He said, "You are a fairy."
"A what?" She began to laugh.
"That information was transferred to me. I know. I know everything. I remember CY3O-CY3OB; I remember my dome. I remember Rybys"s illness and the trip to Earth. The accident. I remember that whole other world, the real world. It penetrated into this world and woke me up." He stared at her, and, in return, Zina stared, fixedly, back.
"My name means fairy," Zina said, "but that doesn"t make me a fairy. Emmanuel means "G.o.d with us" but that doesn"t make him G.o.d."
Herb Asher said, "I remember Yah."
"Oh," she said. "Well. Goodness."
"Emmanuel is Yah," Herb Asher said.
"I"m leaving," Zina said. Hands in her jacket pockets she walked rapidly to the front door of the store, turned the key in the lock and disappeared outside; in an instant she was gone. She has the letter, he realized. My letter to the Fox. Hurriedly he followed after her. No sign of her. He peered in all directions. Cars and people, but not Zina. She had gotten away. She will mail it, he said to himself. The bet between her and Emmanuel; it involves me. They are wagering over me, and the universe itself is at stake. Impossible. But the beam of pink light had told him; it had conveyed all that, instantly, without the pa.s.sage of any time at all. Trembling, his head still aching, he returned to the store; he seated himself and rubbed his aching forehead. She will involve me with the Fox, he realized. And out of that involvement, depending on which way it goes, the structure of reality will- He was not sure what it would do. But that was the issue: the structure of reality itself, the universe and every living creature in it. It has to do with being, he thought to himself, knowing this because, and only because, of the beam of pink light, which was a living, electrical blood, the blood of some immense meta-ent.i.ty. Sein, he thought. A German word; what does it mean? Das Nichts. The opposite of Sein. Sein equaled being equaled exis- tence equaled a genuine universe. Das Nichts equally nothing equaled the simulation of the universe, the dream-which I am in now, he knew. The pink beam told me that. I need a drink, he said to himself. Picking up the fone he dropped in the punchcard and was immediately connected with his home. "Rybys," he said huskily, "I"ll be late."
"You"re taking her out? That girl?" His wife"s voice was brittle.
"No, G.o.ddam it," he said, and hung up the fone. G.o.d is the Guarantor of the universe, he realized. That is the foundation of what I have been told. Without G.o.d there is noth- ing; it all flows away and is gone. Locking up the store he got into his flycar and turned on the motor. Standing on the sidewalk-a man. A familiar man, a black. Middle-aged, well dressed.
"Elias!" Herb called. "What are you doing? What is it?"
"I came back to see if you were all right." Elias Tate walked up to Herb"s car. "You"re totally pale."
"Get in the car," Herb said. Elias got in.
CHAPTER 15.
At the bar both men sat as they often sat; Elias, as always, had a c.o.ke with ice. He never drank.
"Okay," he said, nodding. "There"s nothing you can do to stop the letter. It"s probably already mailed."
"I"m a poker chip," Herb Asher said. "Between Zina and Emmanuel."
"They"re not betting as to whether Linda Fox will answer," Elias said. "They"re betting on something else." He wadded up a bit of cardboard and dropped it into his c.o.ke. "There is no way in the world that you"re going to be able to figure out what their wager is. The bamboo and the children"s swings. The stubble growing . . . I have a residual memory of that myself; I dream about it. It"s a school. For kids. A special school. I go there in my sleep again and again.
"The real world," Herb said.
"Apparently. You"ve reconstructed a lot. Don"t go around saying G.o.d told you this is a fake universe, Herb. Don" tell any- body else what you"ve told me."
"Do you believe me?" "I believe you"ve had a very unusual and inexplicable expe- rience, but I don"t believe this is an ersatz world. It seems per- fectly substantial." He rapped on the plastic surface of the table between them. "No, I don"t believe that; I don"t believe in unreal worlds. There is only one cosmos and Jehovah G.o.d created it.
"I don"t think anyone creates a fake universe," Herb said, "since it isn"t there."
"But you"re saying someone is causing us to see a universe that doesn"t exist. Who is this someone?"
He said, "Satan."
c.o.c.king his head, Elias eyed him.
"It"s a way of seeing the real world," Herb said. "An oc- cluded way. A dreamlike way. A hypnotized, asleep way. The nature of world undergoes a perceptual change; actually it is the perceptions that change, not the world. The change is in us."
"The Ape of G.o.d," "Elias said. "A Medieval theory about the Devil. That he apes G.o.d"s legitimate creation with spurious interpolations of his own. That"s really an exceedingly sophisti- cated idea, epistemologically speaking. Does it mean that parts of the world are spurious? Or that sometimes the whole world is spurious? Or that there are plural worlds of which one is real and the others are not? Is there essentially one matrix world from which people derive differing perceptions? So that the world you see is not the world I see?"
"I just know," Herb said, "that I was caused to remember, made to remember, the real world. My knowledge that this world here"-he tapped the table-" "is based on that memory, not on my experience of this forgery. I am comparing; I have something to compare this world with. That is it."
"Couldn"t the memories be false?"
"I know they are not."
"How do you know?"
"I trust the beam of pink light."
"Why?"
"I don"t know," he said.
"Because it said it was G.o.d? The agency of enchantment can say that. The demonic power."
"We"ll see," Herb Asher said. He wondered once more what the wager was, what they expected him to do. Five days later at his home he received a long-distance per- son-to-person fone call. On the screen a slightly chubby female face appeared, and a shy, breathless voice said, "Mr. Asher? This is Linda Fox. I"m calling you from California. I got your letter."
His heart ceased to beat; it stilled within him. "h.e.l.lo, Linda," he said. "Ms. Fox. I guess." He felt numbed.
"I"ll tell you why I"m calling." She had a gentle voice, a rushing, excited voice; it was as if she panted, timidly. "First I want to thank you for your letter; I"m glad you like me-I mean my singing. Do you like the Dowland? Is that a good idea?"
He said, "Very good. I especially like "Weep You No More Sad Fountains." That"s my favorite."
"What I want to ask you-your letterhead; you"re in the retail home audio system business. I"m moving to an apartment in Manhattan in a month and I must get an audio system set up right away; we have tapes we made out here on the West Coast that my producer will be sending me-I have to be able to listen o them as they really sound, on a really good system." Her long t lashes fluttered apprehensively. "Could you fly to New York next week and give me an idea of what sort of sound system you could install? I don"t care how much it costs; I won"t be paying for it-I signed with Superba Records and they"re going to pay for everything."
"Sure," he said.
"Or would it be better if I flew to Washington, D.C.?" she continued. "Whichever is better. It has to be done quickly; they told me to stress that. This is so exciting for me; I just signed, and I have a new manager. I"m going to be making video discs later on, but we"re starting with audio tapes now-can you do it? I really don"t know who to ask. There"re a lot of retail electronics laces out here on the West Coast but I don"t know anyone on the East Coast. I suppose I should be going to somebody in New York, but Washington, D.C. isn"t very far, is it? I mean, you could get up there, couldn"t you? Superba and my producer- he"s with them-will cover all your expenses.
"No problem," he said.
"Okay. Well, here"s my number in Sherman Oaks and I"ll give you my Manhattan number; both fone numbers. How did you know my Sherman Oaks address"? The letter came directly to me. I"m not supposed to be listed."
"A friend. Somebody in the industry. Connections; you know. I"m in the business."
"You caught me at the Hind? The acoustics are peculiar there. Could you hear me all right? You look familiar; I think I saw you in the audience. You were standing in the corner."
"I had a little boy with me."
Linda Fox said, "I did see you; you were looking at me-you had the most unusual expression. Is he your son?"
"No," he said.
"Are you ready to write down these numbers?"
She gave him her two fone numbers; he wrote them down shakily. "I"ll put in a h.e.l.l of an audio system for you," he man- aged to say. "It"s been a terrific treat talking to you. I"m con- vinced you"re going all the way, all the way to the top, to the top of the charts. You"re going to be listened to and looked at all over the galaxy. I know it. Believe me.
"You are so sweet," Linda Fox said. "I have to go, now. Thank you. OK? Goodbye. I"ll be expecting to hear from you. Don"t forget. This is urgent; it has to be done. So many problems but-it"s exciting. Goodbye." She hung up. As he hung up the fone Herb Asher said aloud, "I"ll be G.o.d d.a.m.ned. I don"t believe it."
From behind him Rybys said, "She called you. She actually foned you. That"s quite something. Are you going to put in a system for her? It means-"
"I don"t mind flying to New York. I"ll acquire the components up there; no need to transport them from down here."
"Do you think you should take Elias with you?"
"We"ll see," he said, his mind clouded, buzzing with awe.
"Congratulations," Rybys said. "I have a hunch I should go with you, but if you promise not to-"
"It"s OK," he said, barely listening to her. "The Fox," he said. "I talked to her. She called me. Me."
"Didn"t you tell me something about Zina and her little brother having some kind of bet? They bet-one of them bet- she wouldn"t answer your letter, and the other bet she would?"
"Yeah," he said. "There"s a bet." He did not care about the bet. I will see her, he said to himself. I will visit her new Manhattan apartment, spend an evening with her. Clothes; I need new clothes. Christ, I have to look good.
"How much gear do you think you can unload on her?" Rybys said. Savagely, he said, "It isn"t a question of that."
Shrinking back, Rybys said, "I"m sorry. I just meant-you know. How extensive a system; that"s all I meant."
"She will be getting the best system money can buy," he said. "Only the finest. What I would want for myself. Better than what I"d get for myself."
"Maybe this will be good publicity for the store."
He glared at her.
"What is it?" Rybys said.
"The Fox," he said, simply. "It was the Fox calling me on the fone. I can"t believe it."
"Better call Zina and Emmanuel and tell them. I have their number."
He thought, No. This is my business. Not theirs.
To Zina, Emmanuel said, "The time is here. Now we will see which way it goes. He"ll be flying to New York shortly. It won"t be long."
"Do you already know what will happen?" Zina asked.
"What I want to know," Emmanuel said, "is this. Will you withdraw your world of empty dreams if he finds her-"
"He will find her worthless," Zina said. "She is an empty fool, without wit, without wisdom; she has no sense, and he will walk away from her because you cannot make something like that into reality."
Emmanuel said, "We will see."
"Yes, we shall," Zina said. "A nonent.i.ty awaits Herb Asher. She looks up to him."
There, precisely, Emmanuel declared in the recesses of his secret mind, you have made your mistake. Herb Asher does not thrive on his adoration of her; it is mutuality that is needed, and you have handed me that. When you debased her here in your domain you accidentally imparted substance into her. And this, he thought, because you do not know what sub- stance is; it lies beyond you. But not, he thought, beyond me. It is my domain.
"I think," he said, "you have already lost."
With delight, Zina said, "You do not know what I play for! You know neither me nor my goals!"
That may be so, he reflected. But I know myself; and-I know my goals.
Wearing a fashionable suit, purchased at some considerable expense, Herb Asher boarded a luxury-cla.s.s commercial rocket for New York City. Briefcase in hand-it contained specs on all the latest home audio systems finding their way onto the market -he sat gazing out the window as the three-minute trip unrolled. The rocket began to descend almost at once. This is the most wonderful moment in my life, he declared inwardly as the retrojets fired. Look at me; I am right out of the pages of Style magazine. Thank G.o.d Rybys didn"t come along.
"Ladies and gentlemen," the overhead speakers announced, "we have now landed at Kennedy s.p.a.ceport. Please remain in your seats until the tone sounds; then you may exit at the front end of the ship. Thank you for taking Delta s.p.a.celines."
"Enjoy your day," the robot steward said to Herb Asher as he jauntily exited from the ship.
"You, too," Herb said. "And plenty more besides."
By Yellow cab he flew directly to the Ess.e.x House where he had his reservation-the h.e.l.l with the cost-for the next two days. Very soon he unpacked, surveyed the grand appointments of his room, and then, after taking a Valzine (the best of the latest generations of cortical stimulants) picked up the fone and dialed Linda Fox"s Manhattan number.