A hangman is the most trusty of friends, for, if he once have to do with a man, he will see him hanged before he shall want money or anything else.
Physicians have the best of it. If they do well, the world proclaims it; if ill, the earth covers it.
A man and his wife were fighting. One was asked why he did not part them, and replied, that he "had been better bred than to part man and wife."
Tobacconists (users of tobacco) would endure war well, for they would never be stifled with fire and smoke.
Fiddlers are very unfortunate in their calling, for they never do anything but it is against the hair (fiddlestring).
Smiths are the most irregular of handicrafts men, because they never think that they are better employed than when they are addicted to their vices.
It is no great matter what a drunkard says in his drink, for he never says anything that he can stand to.
"Horse-keepers and ostlers (let the world go which way it will, though there be never so much alteration in times and persons) are still stable men."
A hypocrite is odious to G.o.d, to man, and to the devil. G.o.d hates him, because he is not what he seems; man hates him, because he seems what he is not; and the devil hates him, because he seems not what he truly is.
Stage players are the most philosophical of men, because they are as content in rags as in robes.
"Roaring gallants" are like peddlers,--they carry their whole estate upon their backs.
An oculist is an excellent sleight-of-hand performer; because if he undertakes to cure a blind man, he will so do it that the patient shall see he does it.
He that buys a horse in Smithfield and does not look upon him before he buy him, with a pair of spectacles, makes his horse and himself a pair of sorrowful spectacles for others to look on.
Cobblers must be good men because they set men upright, and are always employed in mending soles.
A wild young gentleman desired to sell his land, and was asked the reason, to which he answered that he hoped to go to heaven, but could not possibly do so until he had forsaken earth.
A drunkard, returning home at night, found his wife hard at her spinning. She reproved him for his ill husbandry, and commended herself for her good housewifery. He replied that she had no great cause to chide, for, as she had been spinning, he came all the way home reeling.
An ignorant drunken surgeon, who killed all patients that came under his hands, boasted that he was a better man than the parson; "For,"
he said, "your cure maintains but yourself, but my cures maintain all the s.e.xtons in the town."
A man by the name of Stone fell off his horse into deep water, from which he struggled, but not without some danger. His companion laughed, and when rebuked, replied that any man would laugh to see a stone swim.
One who had received a threat that another would break his head with a stone, replied, "It is a hard matter to break my head with a stone."
A physician sought to collect a bill due for service to a patient who had died. He was told that it was a work of charity to visit the sick, but if he wanted money so badly the only way was for him to visit the dead, and then he would not want money any more.
The following dialogue took place between two friends: "I love to hear a man talk nonsense." "I know you love to hear yourself talk as well as any man."
A gentleman made some purchases upon trust in a shop, promising the proprietor that he would owe him so much money. The proprietor was for a time content, but when he sought to collect the payment, the gentleman told him that he had not promised to pay him, but had promised to owe him so much money, and that he would not break his promise, as he would have to if he paid the debt.
"What are Shakespeare"s works worth, all bound together?" "Not a farthing." "Not worth a farthing? How so?" "His plays are worth a great deal of money, but I never heard that his works are worth anything at all."
A man met his friend riding without boots, and asked him about what business he went. The friend replied that it was a matter of great importance, and that he was in great haste. The man said, "I am afraid that your labor is lost." "Why?" inquired the rider.
"Because," was the reply, "you ride of a bootless errand."
Which of the letters of the alphabet are the most authentic on a bill or bond? I O U.
Why do not men and their wives agree better nowadays? Because men are now more learned, and know that "it is false concord that the masculine and feminine gender should agree at all."
A man had the pictures of the five senses stolen from his house, and came to a justice, desiring that the thieves might be bound to the peace. "For what?" asked the justice. "For stealing your pictures?"
"Yes," replied the man. "I thought," said the justice, "that you had lost your senses, that you talk so idly."
One in the midst of a crowd of people on the top of the steeple of St. Paul"s Church, London, had his pocket picked. "What villains are these," he exclaimed, "to pick a man"s pocket in church!" "Nay, sir,"
said another, "you are but robbed upon the highway."
A scholar was fond of sitting in a study hung around with brown paper, because, he would say, he did sometimes love to sit in a brown study.
"Why are there drums in the wars?" "To stir up the valor of the soldiers." "Strange, for wheresoever the victory falls, the drums are sure to be beaten."
Why does B stand before C? Because a man must B before he can C.
How long is the longest letter in the English alphabet? An L long.
Two men, of whom one was a goldsmith, conspired together to steal a silver bowl. When they had procured it, the goldsmith gilded it over that it might not be known. They were arrested, however, and when the matter came to trial, the judge said, that though the other stole it, yet the guilt of the fact lay upon the goldsmith.
One came upon a s.e.xton making a grave for a great tall fellow by the name of b.u.t.ton, and asked him for whom that extraordinarily long grave was. The s.e.xton answered, that he had made many longer than that, and said it was but a b.u.t.ton-hole compared with some graves that he had made.
A man, whose name was You, married a woman of the same name, and was ever after called "Master W."
One was wondering why the people of aethiopia did not write straight along as the northern people do, and another answered that they wrote under the line, and that was the reason of it.
A dyer, who was an idle drunken fellow, complained to a scholar that he had bad luck in his business, and that usually those things which he took to dye were spoiled. The scholar told him that the only way to have this amended was to reform himself, for he that lived ill could never dye well.
What herb is there that cures all diseases? Thyme.
An upholsterer rebuked his apprentice because he was not nimble enough at his work, and had not his nails and hammer in readiness when he should use them; and said that when he himself was an apprentice he was taught to have his nails at his fingers" ends.
What does that young man deserve who loves always to be in a playhouse? A box.
One expressed surprise that there were so many pickpockets about the streets, notwithstanding that there was a watch at every corner. It was answered that this was all one, for a pickpocket would as gladly meet with a watch as with anything else.
One who was skilled in writing shorthand offered to teach a lawyer"s clerk his skill, but the latter thanked him for his offer, and told him that they could not live by making short hand of anything.
A coward related to his friend that one had given him a box upon the ear, but that he, instead of returning the blow, had turned to him the other ear also. The friend replied, "Sure, there was a great fight betwixt you, when blows were given on both sides."
The word Interpreter is derived from Inter-prater, for one that prated betwixt two that spoke several languages.
A company of gentlemen entered a tavern whose sign was the Moon, and called for a quart of sack. The drawer told them that they had none, and that the man in the Moon always drank claret.
A countryman, being asked how a certain river which ran through that country was called, replied, that they never had need to call the river, for it came without calling.
A country fellow who was unaccustomed to paved streets, came to London, and a dog suddenly ran out of one of the houses and came furiously at him. The fellow stooped to pick up a stone to throw at the dog, but finding them all fast rammed or paved into the ground, exclaimed, "What a strange country am I in, where the people tie up the stones, and let the dogs loose!"
A justice of the peace, angry with a pilfering knave, said, "Sirrah, if thou dost not mend thy manner, thou wilt be shortly hanged, or else I will be hanged for thee." The bold knave replied, "I thank your worship for that kind offer, and I beseech your worship not to be out of the way, when I shall have occasion to use you."