The lump in my throat is tight, and I have to force the tears away. My knees feel weak, but I force them to stay locked in place. The ache in my chest is debilitating. This is so unfair. I not only feel completely helpless, but I am helpless. There"s not a d.a.m.n thing I can do. But I have to be strong for her. For both Becky and Ally. They need me right now. As much as this crushes me, I can only imagine the pain Becky, and especially Ally, are going through.
I pull Becky back from my chest and ask her in a gravelly voice, "What have the doctors said?"
She wipes at her eyes, and I can see her trying to pull herself together.
"We"re still waiting on a couple more test results to come through. She"s in now getting an ECG done." She pauses and pulls in a lungful of air. The tears are coming back, and I know what she"s going to say next won"t be good. "They think it"s her heart, Andrew," she whispers, barely loud enough for me to hear.
I jerk at her words and a wave of dizziness. .h.i.ts me. My lungs stop working, and I can"t get enough air in.
"Wait. What about her heart? Is it bad?" I ask, desperate for her to tell me it"s not.
"They won"t know the details until after the rest of the tests. What are we going to do, Andrew? I can"t lose her." Her voice cracks at the end. I put my arms around her and pull her against my chest.
"We got this. She"s not going anywhere," I tell her, and hope it"s not a lie. "Where"s Brent?"
Taking a shaky breath, she leans her head back and looks at me. "He"s on his way. He was about two hours away when I called him. He should be here soon."
I nod and take her hand "Come on. Let"s go sit."
She lets me pull her over to the waiting area. There are several people in the chairs spread throughout the room. I lead her to the corner where there"s no one. She takes a seat beside me, and I put my arm over her shoulders, pulling her close. She leans her head on my shoulder.
I can"t imagine how hard it is on Brent. The man adores and worships the ground Becky and Ally walk on. To not be here when they need him must kill him. Unfortunately, his job requires him to travel, and it"s the insurance that"s paying for Ally"s treatments. However, Becky did tell me a while back that if things get worse, Brent"s boss said he"ll station him here for a while so he can be with them. I think what"s happened tonight will cla.s.sify as bad enough for him to stay in town.
"When"s Brent"s family getting in?" I ask, trying to draw her into a conversation.
"Tomorrow afternoon. Ally"s excited about seeing them. I have no idea if we"ll even be home for her to enjoy them."
"Let"s wait and see what the doctors say, okay?"
"Yeah," she says on a sniffle.
"How did she take her last treatment?"
"Not good. It made her more sick than usual. She ran a slight fever the rest of the day. Her hair is coming out in clumps now." She takes a minute to steady her breathing before continuing, "She finally agreed to shave it off. We had planned on doing it this afternoon."
When Becky, Brent, and I sat down with Ally to explain her illness, we told her of some of the side effects that could happen. Hair loss was one of them. We suggested we shave her head before it started falling out, I even offered to shave mine along with her, but she flat-out refused. We knew she"s only six years old, but felt she needed to know what to look for, since it"s her body being affected by this horrible sickness. We left the decision up to her to give her a sense of control.
"That"s good. Watching it fall out is tough. At least this way, she"ll say when it goes, not the other way around."
"Yeah. I just hate to see her like this. I feel so helpless and useless. I feel like I need to do more." She adjusts in her seat and sits up, causing my arm to drop from her shoulders. Reaching over, she grabs my hand. I can still see the tears in her eyes, but she"s trying to push them away.
"What you"re doing now is enough, Becs," I tell her. "Being her mom, loving her, and protecting her the best you can. Being strong when she can"t. Holding her when she feels sick. All of those things are important. Those are things she needs."
"Thank you, Andrew. For everything you"ve done for us. For coming today. I don"t know what I would have done if you hadn"t."
I place both my hands on either side of her head and pull it forward until her forehead rests against mine.
"You know I wouldn"t be anywhere else. I need to be here just as much as you." Her watery eyes look into mine and she nods. "That little girl in there is part of me as well. I love her and would do anything for her. You know this."
She nods again and gives me a half smile. There"s not much to smile at right now, but she knows my words are truth. I would give my life for Ally, no questions asked.
Our moment is interrupted by the whoosh of metals doors being opened. Becky and I immediately stand. She grabs my hand and we rush over to Dr. Adams, Ally"s oncologist.
"How is she?" Becky asks, a quiver in her voice.
"She"s fine, Becky. Resting in a room at the moment," Dr. Adams says with sympathy in her eyes. "Follow me and we"ll talk in private."
The grip Becky has on my hand tightens when she nods. I look over at her and see pain so sharp it also takes my breath away. I feel it, too. The look in Dr. Adams"s eyes isn"t promising. I feel a sharp pain in my chest, and I reach up to rub it.
We follow Dr. Adams into a private room that has a couch, a couple chairs, and a table. There"s a phone and a box of tissues on the table. The walls are a plain white, with nothing hanging from them. No decorations are to be found. It"s as if they know any decorations used in this room would be a wasted effort. None of it would be appreciated. I hate this room on sight. This is a room that"s heard a lot of bad news. I"m sure the box of tissues is replaced often.
Becky and I sit on the couch, while the doctor takes a seat across from us. It takes her a minute before she starts talking.
"It was as I expected. Her heart isn"t taking well to the doxorubicin, the medicine used in her chemotherapy. It"s put stress on her heart that it can"t handle right now. It"s beating too fast. That"s what made her pa.s.s out."
I hear a strangled sob from beside me, and I use my shaky hand to pick up hers. My heart"s beating a mile a minute.
"What do we do next? Obviously she still needs the chemo for the leukemia, but the medicine isn"t good for her heart," Becky says.
"We"ll give her something to bring her heart rate down. Although it"ll put a strain on her heart, I want to up the dosage a bit more for the chemo. It"s important to get her numbers where they should be. The medication for her heart should offset any problems. When we first started this, I had Ally tested to see if she showed any signs she couldn"t handle it. All the results were good. It"s rare that a person has this reaction. We"ll try this new medicine and see how she does with it. We"ll monitor her closely. I"m sending a blood pressure cuff home with you, Becky. I want you to check her blood pressure every six hours and write down the results. I"ll give you a chart that shows what"s acceptable and what"s worrisome. I also want you to bring her in every three days for the next couple of weeks to get an ECG. If all goes well, then we"ll continue with the higher dosage. If her heart continues to be strained, we"ll rea.s.sess and see about using a different chemo medicine."
I sit there and listen to the doctor"s words, not sure how to take them. She obviously won"t survive if she doesn"t have the chemo. My stomach drops at the thought, and I push it away. However, if she continues with the current chemo treatment, her heart could give out. Either way doesn"t sound good. They"re both life threatening.
f.u.c.k!
"What are the chances of the chemo working with a higher dose?" I ask.
Dr. Adams looks at me and answers.
"Since we"ve started the higher dosage of doxorubicin, her white blood cell count has lowered, which is good. It means the chemo is working. I believe if we up the dosage a bit more it will lower her numbers quicker. However, it will also kill her bone marrow. That"s where you"ll come in, Andrew."
We both nod, accepting her explanation for what it is. Ally and Brent trust this doctor to do what is best for her.
Becky sits up straighter in her chair and pulls in a deep breath before saying, "Okay. Thank you. Can we see her?
"You can see her, but I want to keep her overnight for observation. With the rate her heart was going, I want to monitor it to make sure the danger is over. The medicine we gave her tonight has slowed her heart down. If all goes well and she"s feeling better, then we"ll release her in the morning." Dr. Adams gets up from her chair and holds out her hand for Becky and me to shake. "I want you and Brent both to stay positive. Her reacting to the chemo the way she did does not mean she"s doomed, okay? Everyone is different and we all act differently to medicines. That doesn"t mean we can"t find something that will work for Ally."
Becky"s watery gaze meets the doctor"s and she nods. "Thank you, Dr. Adams. For everything."
Dr. Adams reaches over and squeezes Becky"s shoulder and gives her a tender smile. "No thanks needed, Becky. We"re doing everything we can for Ally. Take a deep breath and take one day at a time. You stay in here, and I"ll send a nurse in to get you to bring you to Ally."
Before the doctor leaves, she asks me, "Are you following all the instructions we gave you when you signed up to give Ally bone marrow?"
"Of course," I tell her. No way would I not follow what the doctors told me I need to do. My number-one priority is doing what I can to help Ally.
"Good. Be on close stand-by for our call."
I nod before she turns on her heel and leaves us in the barren room. We sit in silence for several minutes, taking in what the doctor said.
A few minutes later a nurse enters the room to lead us to Ally. We walk down the hallway, and I feel like I"m going to my doom. Or rather, Ally"s doom. I have no idea what I"ll do if that little girl doesn"t make it. She"s such a pivotal part of my life that I refuse to picture it without her in it. The world will be a darker place if she doesn"t exist.
I grit my teeth, clench my hands into fists, and pray with all that I am, with all that I"m worth, that G.o.d shows mercy and continues to shed Ally"s light on us all.
When we make it to Ally"s room, Becky rushes inside. I walk in behind her more slowly, afraid of what I will see. I stay by the door, wanting to give mother and daughter their time first.
The sunken-in look of Ally"s eyes almost kills me. Her cute little face is pale, and I can see under the blanket that she"s lost even more weight. Her dark hair, or what"s left of it, is dull and lifeless. I"m glad she decided to shave it off. Watching it come off in clumps can"t be easy. Maybe I"ll surprise her and shave mine off as well so she won"t feel so alone. The once vibrant, healthy, and carefree six-year-old girl is not who is in the bed across the room. I still love her just as much, but it tears me up inside to see her like this. To plainly see the pain she"s going through. I want to bundle her up and try to outrun all the pain and heartache she"s enduring.
"Hey, Uncle Andy," Ally says in a weak voice. She holds out her hand toward me, and the look in her eyes seems desperate. I can"t take that look, and I quickly walk to her side and grab her hand.
"Hey, skittles. How are you feeling?" I ask, already knowing the answer.
"I"m okay. My head hurts a little, and I want to go home."
"I know you do. But the doctors want to watch you for a little while first, okay?"
She nods, and I can see it"s taking a lot to stay awake. I look over at Becky on the other side of the bed and see her watching us. There"s sadness present in her eyes, but there"s also love shining in their depths. I look back down at Ally.
"Why don"t you try to get some rest, and I"ll try to talk your mom into letting me bring you some Skittles in the morning." Skittles are her favorite. She likes to separate all the colors and eat them until all the colors have the same amount. Then she"ll eat one from each color, keeping the numbers even.
She puffs out her little bottom lip and it makes me want to smile, but I don"t. It"s hard to smile in a situation like this.
"Mama said Daddy will be here soon. I wanna see him," she says, giving a big yawn.
"Baby, you need to rest," Becky says. "When you wake up Daddy will be here, okay? And he"ll be here for at least a few days. Remember, Grammy, Pops, Uncle Cal, Aunt Lena, and Kemmie are coming tomorrow. You need to be well rested so you can visit them."
"Okay, Mama." Her eyes are already drooping and it"s not long before she settles into a peaceful sleep. Or at least I hope it"s peaceful. I pray her dreams are made up of little girls playing in the park, eating ice cream, chasing after puppies, and feeding the ducks in the pond.
Becky pulls a chair over closer to the bed and sits down. She grabs Ally"s hand and clasps it tightly in hers, intently watching Ally while she sleeps.
"She"s going to be okay, you know," I tell her, and myself, if I"m honest. Maybe if I tell myself and Becky enough times, it will come true.
She doesn"t remove her eyes from Ally, but she replies quietly and tearfully, "I know."
A few minutes later, the door opens and Brent comes sprinting in. He looks haggard. His blond hair is a mess, like he"s swiped his fingers through it a hundred times. Stark pain is visible in his eyes. His normally clean-shaven face is covered in stubble. His clothes look wrinkled beyond repair.
His eyes briefly meet mine before they settle on Becky. As soon as Becky sees him, she jumps up from her seat and they meet in the middle of the room. Becky falls into his arms and starts crying softly. Brent rubs her back and whispers quietly in her ear. I can"t hear what he"s saying but she nods against his neck.
When they pull apart they both make their way over to Ally"s sleeping form. I step to the side to give them privacy.
"Oh, Ally," Brent says hoa.r.s.ely, grabbing her bony hand and kissing the back of it. He wipes at a few stray tears that leak down his face before turning to Becky.
"Tell me what happened," he says, his voice laced with pain.
For the next twenty minutes Becky tells him what happened at home and the reason we"re all here. Then Becky and I both explain Dr. Adams"s concerns and the changes in Ally"s treatment.
He looks at me across the bed, and says, "Thank you for being here when I couldn"t."
He knows how I feel about Ally, what she means to me, but I understand his need to show his grat.i.tude. "I love them both. I wouldn"t be anywhere else."
He nods and turns back to Becky. "I told Jim I"m done. He"s got no choice but to station me here for a while. I can"t keep leaving you here to do this by yourself. He said he understands. I won"t be leaving again until she"s through this."
Becky breathes a sigh of relief and collapses against Brent"s chest. "Thank G.o.d."
We all stand surrounding Ally"s bed in silence. We stay this way for a while, watching the rise and fall of her tiny chest. None of us say anything, each deep in thought. Ally doesn"t shift once. She"s so still. If it weren"t for her breathing, I would be worried.
Several hours pa.s.s before I realize I need to leave. As much as I don"t want to, I know I need to head back to Jaded Hollow. I have the earlier shift at Jaxon"s. I make Becky and Brent promise that if there are any changes they"ll call me.
"I"ll come by once Brent"s family is gone," I tell them.
I know I would still be welcome with his family there. I"ve met them a few times over the years and got along with them fine, but they need to have family time.
Becky nods. I give her a hug, Brent a handshake, and a gentle kiss to Ally"s forehead, then head out to my car to make the trip back home with a heavy heart.
My thoughts turn to Jase once I"m on the road. When he opened the door earlier in nothing but a towel, I almost couldn"t stop the urge to tackle him to the floor and devour his body. The man clothed is nothing but gorgeous, but the view of his bare chest, arms, legs, and stomach left me d.a.m.n near speechless.
I couldn"t hold it in any longer. I knew right then I had to have some part of him. I was no longer giving him time to get used to the idea. He was mine and it was about time he knew it. Just as I told him, I wasn"t leaving without a taste.
But then Becky called and it all went to s.h.i.t. As much as I wanted to continue my stalking of Jase, there was no way I couldn"t come to Ally and Becky. They mean the world to me. Jase does as well, but Ally and Becky are different. They need me more than I need to have Jase. So, I left, but I left knowing I"m done waiting on Jase.
Jase has no idea what I"m capable of. He has no idea of my obsession with him. Has no idea of my need to be his and have him be mine. But he will. I"ll make d.a.m.n sure he knows. I"ll also make d.a.m.n sure he knows he has no choice in the matter.
Jase I sit on a stool at Jaxon"s trying to enjoy a beer as I face the dance floor. I watch with narrowed eyes as Andrew, Chris, and Mia dance together. Both Andrew and Mia are supposed to be behind the bar working, but apparently a song came on that Andrew likes and, after looking my way, he grabbed their hands and dragged them to the dance floor. The place isn"t that busy, so I don"t think it"s a big deal.
Mia is in the front, facing away from Andrew. One of her arms is thrown back and her hand wrapped around his neck. He has one hand around her waist, pulling her back and a.s.s into his front, grinding away. Chris is behind him, one hand on his hip and one tossed over her head. Andrew"s other hand is grabbing Chris"s a.s.s. All three are swaying seductively to the music.
I"d have never thought I would be jealous of my own sister, but sitting here, watching Andrew"s hands on her, I want to stalk over there, rip them away, and demand he grind against me like he"s currently grinding against them.
s.h.i.t! Just the thought of him rubbing his d.i.c.k against me has my own getting hard. I adjust in my seat to relieve some of the pressure. My willpower is failing fast. No f.u.c.king clue how I"ll be able to hold him off. h.e.l.l, I don"t even know if I"ll be able to hold myself off.
"If I didn"t already know Andrew would rather suck my d.i.c.k, or rather someone else"s d.i.c.k, than grind all up on my girl, I"d be over there f.u.c.king his face up," Mac says ruefully from beside me.
I look over at him and see his eyes on me, clearly weighing my reaction, before turning back to the scene across the room. He has his beer bottle in a tightly clenched hand. Yeah, he feels me too, and doesn"t like the scene either. We both know nothing would come of it, but it"s still s.h.i.tty to watch.
Looking back over to the trio, I watch as Andrew bends his head and nuzzles Mia"s neck. My body tenses, as if it wants to get up and move across the room and tear them apart. I hold myself in place though. When she throws her head back against his shoulder, I hear a thump beside me. A second later Mac is making his way across the room and s.n.a.t.c.hing Mia from Andrew. Mia laughs as Mac turns her to face him, starting his own grinding session with her, and slams his lips down on hers.
I see the humor in Andrew"s eyes before he flips around to Chris and wraps her in his arms. I love my sister, I really do, but d.a.m.ned if I don"t want to yank her away from him. I may still be in denial, but dammit, Andrew is mine.
They both look over at me, Andrew puckering his lips and sending me a kiss, Chris waving. I scowl at them both and hope they feel the heat radiating from my eyes. They just laugh and carry on their merry f.u.c.king dancing way.
I feel a presence beside me and see Nick taking Mac"s seat. I don"t know much about the guy, as I"ve only met him once, but it"s plain to see he"s always in a s.h.i.tty mood. Even now I can feel the bad vibes coming off him. He also looks like h.e.l.l. He has his hat low over his eyes, but it doesn"t hide the haggard appearance he has going on. He looks worn down.
I"ve seen the way Chris gazes at him and the way he watches her. There"s history there. I knew immediately this must be the guy that upset her the other day. The only reason I"ve held my tongue is because it"s obvious the guy has been through some s.h.i.t, and I know Chris would have my a.s.s. I don"t know what happened, but you can tell by the dead look in his eyes that it was harsh, and still is. I"ll hold off until I deem it necessary for me to step in.
"Sup"," he says to me with a chin lift. Turning to face Jaxon, who just walked to our end of the bar, he orders a beer.
"Nick," I say back to him in the same emotionless tone he used.
After a greeting to Jaxon and getting his beer, Nick turns in his seat to face the dance floor and his body immediately stiffens.