ch 1 I"m a Good Girl
With G.o.d as my witness, I am a good girl.
I get good grades. I’m helpful, and I’m hardworking. I respect my seniors. I’m happy to live out life, day after day, going to bed at 10 PM each night, and getting up at 6 AM the next morning. The first thing I do when I wake up is pull open the curtains and look out the window. The sky is always just starting to light up at that time. Even in the summertime, the sun has only started to peek above the horizon. Then I will sit in front of the window and read in English, with a loud and sweet voice. My mom will walk over and hand me a cup of thick(?) milk. I gulp down my milk and continuing reading.
My mother stood in the room, early in the morning, looking at me lovingly.
It’s a pity though, I am a good girl with a slight defect. My heart, and my left ear. When I was born, that’s how I was. I had surgery on my heart, and it was very advanced technology. There weren’t any scars left on my body, so I don’t have to count that. But the hearing in my left ear isn’t very good. If you stood to my left and spoke to me, it’s very possible that I wouldn’t hear a thing you said.
So when I’m reading out loud, I’m especially loud.
Although that’s how it was, I never felt that it was a bad thing. Before age 17, I naively loved myself like that. Just like the many good-hearted people in the world, naively loving me.
But what’s cornier than that is that one day, when I was 17 years old, I suddenly fell in love for the first time. I don’t remember what the weather was like that day. All I remember is his face. It was dusk, and he was leaning on a railing across the street from the school, carrying a faded backpack. His face was very handsome. That was the first time I’d seen him. I was so scared, my heart was inexplicably racing non-stop.
His name was Xu Yi.
I once hated that name a lot, because the second character was very difficult to type with Wubi. I practiced for several days before I could successfully type it over and over.
(t/n: Wubi is a method of typing Chinese, which is based on the shapes used in words/characters, versus phonetically-based systems, like Pinyin. I don’t know how to use it, but supposedly once you learn it and all the shortcuts, it’s much more efficient compared to using phonetic systems. In any case, apparently the character for his name isn’t easy to type using Wubi. Which is a bit ironic, because it’s a very easy character to write: 弋 (yì).)
The white screen was filled with this name. I used red, the words big and lively. Just like him, standing in front of me.
After learning of Xu Yi, my blog now had meaning.
And I do mean learning of Xu Yi.
The fact is, we don’t know each other, we’ve never met, and there’s no chance for us to meet. All I know is that he’s a senior, soon to graduate, and he gets good grades. I also know that there’s a girl from a technical school who’s madly chasing after him.
I’ve seen her before. The way she dresses is very strange. Sometimes I think that she really seems like a plant, especially that one time she stood outside our school, wearing a green dress. She had painted on green eyeshadow, and her face had some gold powder. She held a sunflower, standing there all by herself.
And there was another time when she painted four words onto her white dress: I love Xu Yi.
A lot of girls would scream when they walked past her.
She’d become a fixture in front of our school.
The most important thing is, that in the end, Xu Yi actually fell in love with her.
He fell in love with her.
One day, after school ended, he walked up to her and said, “Let’s go see the cat that you feed.”
The girl cheered out and jumped up. She spread her arms and ran in a circle, like a glider. Then she stopped in front of Xu Yi, and said, “Handsome, I finally believe that love is something to fight for! Hahaha, I’m so happy, I could die!”
The girl that liked to make her eyes green… I later learned that her name was Bala.
I finally met Bala, at the noodle shop behind the school.
Later I thought, this was something I’d always expected to happen.
I still remember, it was raining that evening, so the shop was very noisy. After my evening cla.s.s, I was hungry, so I went to the noodle shop. She was sitting at a table near the wall, with her back to me, wearing a pink cardigan. She really grabbed your attention. When I got closer, I realized there was a 555 dangling from her mouth, a British brand of cigarettes. She sucked on it like it was very enjoyable, like the way a little girl would eat chocolates. The small TV in the shop was playing a drama series on mute. I watched her, but her eyes never left the TV.
I sat across from her.
And then she gave me a glance.
Then she extended her hand, and took some cilantro from my steaming bowl and placed it into her own. She silently spit out her cigarette b.u.t.t, and then started eating her noodles. It was the first time I’d seen her so clearly. Her hair was pulled into a bun behind her head. She had an oval face, no sign of pimples, and her eyes were especially big. I felt that she was very pretty. It was that kind of pretty that got prettier the longer you looked, that startles you a bit. She wasn’t wearing green eyeshadow.
At the time, I thought to myself, “No wonder Xu Yi…”
“Are you also from Tian High?” she asked, looking at the name tag on my chest.
“Mm,” I said.
“Oh,” she said. “Do you recognize me?”
I shook my head.
“All the bad kids at your school know me,” she said proudly. Then she laughed, her face so refined.
When we finished our meal and left the shop, it was raining heavily. The water flowed down the eaves. We couldn’t leave, and just stood close to the wall.
I couldn’t hold back, so I asked, “Do you also like eating cilantro?”
“Not especially, but I like to steal other people’s things.”
I was a bit surprised. She reached out and touched my face, and laughed. Her eyes bent into crescent moons. She said, “Ah, other people’s things are what’s good. Little girl, you’ll understand.”
I didn’t know how to respond to that, so I only said, “I don’t like when it rains.” She looked up to the sky, and said, seemingly to herself, “…won’t come.” Then she rushed into the rain.
I shouted to her, “Hey!”
She turned around.
I pulled out an umbrella from my backpack. “You’ll get a cold if you’re drenched in the rain.”
“What about you?” she asked me.
“It’s okay, I live nearby.”
“Thanks!” She took the umbrella, and ran a short distance before stopping. She turned around and shouted, “I’m Bala! I’ll be back here next Sat.u.r.day. I’ll return your umbrella then.”
They say that Bala and Xu Yi broke up. He fought because of her, and became a bad kid.
Sat.u.r.day came again. Before cla.s.s was over, I asked the teacher if I could leave early, saying that my stomach hurt. She easily believed me, because she’d never have thought that an honest girl like me would lie. But I did lie. My stomach didn’t hurt. I went to the noodle shop.
I was shocked, when I first entered the shop. Bala was sitting very close to a boy, her face right next to his. She laughed, charmingly and movingly.
That boy was obviously not Xu Yi. His name was Zhang Yang. I recognized him, he was a senior at our school too.
When Zhang Yang saw me enter in my uniform, he seemed a bit uncomfortable, and pushed Bala away.
Bala greeted me, “Hi!”
I sat down, and responded lightly, “Hi.”
Zhang Yang quickly payed, and left. Bala’s gaze followed his back.
After awhile, Bala stepped in front of me. “Do you have a smoke? I’m out.”
I shook my head.
“Oh, right,” Bala said. “You’re a good kid, you don’t smoke! But, why did you skip school?”
As she spoke, she fluttered her big eyes at me.
Goodness, she had on green eyeshadow again.
“My stomach hurts today.”
“Your stomach hurts, and you’re still eating lamian noodles?” She laughed, “Is it hurting because you’re hungry?”
“Bala,” I looked at her green eyeshadow as I spoke. “Why did you break up with Xu Yi?”
Bala looked at me, and then laughed out loud so hard that tears came out from her eyes. She said confidently, “I know! You like Xu Yi, don’t you?”
I stubbornly stayed silent.
“You don’t want to date.” Bala said, “You’re a good kid.” She pulled out the umbrella from the bag behind her, “Here you go, good baby.”
When I took my umbrella back, I told Bala, “Actually, I don’t even know Xu Yi.”
“Oh?” She let out another exaggerated laugh. It was then that I noticed that she was wearing earrings. They were also green, like big green teardrops, swaying back and forth on her ears.
That day, I’d already walked far away, when I heard Bala calling me. She must have been shouting very loudly for me to hear. I didn’t head back, but her following words were very clear.
Bala said, “You want to know what kind of girl Xu Yi likes? Come back next time, and I’ll tell you!”
I decided to write a letter to Xu Yi.
The desire was like a rock, pressing down on my heart for many days. Pressing down so that I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t come to terms on my own, so I could only write.
My letter was very simple. I said, “You should know, one failure doesn’t mean much. And one wrong choice isn’t really anything. You have to believe that, in this world, there will always be someone who cares about you. Hope that you’ll be happy.”
This was, of course, an anonymous letter. I dropped it off at the post office, and then walked home quickly. I was almost home when, for some reason, I thought about the noodle shop that wasn’t far away. My feet started heading that way.
There was a shortcut to get from my house to the noodle shop. They were remodeling houses, and the road wasn’t good to take. So not many people go that way. That day, I walked on the path, surrounded by wire fencing, and it seemed like there was movement up ahead.
Although my hearing isn’t very good, I’m very sensitive.
I knew something must have happened.
The sky was already dark as I headed up ahead. Soon, I confirmed that my hunch was right. I saw that the girl being pushed up against the wall was Bala. The boy with his back to me was very tall, and he kept kicking her with his knee. Quickly and ruthlessly. She bit his arm, the look in her eyes very frightening. The hatred from her eyes was almost like blood dripping out.
I ran up as fast as I could, and pulled the boy away. Bala screamed out in an earth-shattering voice, “Get away!”
The boy was Zhang Yang.
Zhang Yang stepped back, extending a finger on his hand. In a low voice, he said, “Go ahead and try. If you don’t get rid of it, don’t expect me to let you off.” And then he walked off, without looking back.
Bala dejectedly slid down the the wall. She clutched her abdomen, as she knelt down.
I squatted down next to her, intending to pull her up. But I couldn’t.
I pulled out the lighter from her pocket. The fire shined onto Bala’s dirty face. Her big eyes were like two gla.s.s b.a.l.l.s that had gotten dirty. The wind blew, the fire flickered, and then it went out. In the darkness, I said to her, “I’ll send you home, okay? Tell me where your house is.”
“Do you have any money?” Her voice was the same as usual, as if nothing that had just happened affected her at all.
I took out all the money I had with me, 70 something dollars (a little more than 10 USD).
“That’s enough.” Bala stood up unsteadily. She said, “Home, I need a bath. And to buy some medicine.”
I went with Bala to buy some medicine, and then we went back to her house.
She lived with her grandma, and there was no one else at home. Her grandma was playing mahjong with some old ladies, and no one took notice of Bala’s return.
We slipped into her room. She let me sit, and then she went to bathe. There weren’t many books on her desk, but there were a lot of high-end cosmetics. Her bed was covered with pretty clothes. I picked up a fashion magazine, and the model on the cover had on the same makeup as Bala.
Bala came back quickly. After bathing, she looked very different from usual. She had on a white nightgown, and slowly walked over to me. As she approached, she lifted up her dress. In the chilly moonlight, I saw the redness and bruising on her stomach. It was ugly and terrifying.
Why was love like this.
Dearest Xu Yi, this is what love is. Why is the love in our youth so beyond redemption.
Dearest Xu Yi, I can only call out lightly in my heart.
“Oh yeah, what’s your name?” Bala asked me.
“Li Er,” I said.
“‘Er’ for ear?”
“Just about, add a ‘w.a.n.g’ to the side.”
“There’s such a word?” Bala asked curiously.
I nodded, and helped her apply the medicine.
(t/n: The character for Li Er’s name is 珥 (ěr), which is made up of 耳 (ěr, meaning “ear”) and 王 (wáng) radical.)
As I swabbed on the medicine, Bala trembled slightly. She whispered, “Do you know? Do you know what’s inside here?”
My hand started to shake.
“There’s a little baby.” Bala used her hand to caress her belly, saying, “Say, do you think I should give birth to it? Maybe she will be a beautiful little girl.”
I threw the cotton swab to the ground. With a quivering voice, I asked, “Whose is it? Xu Yi’s or Zhang Yang’s?”
She laughed out loud. “Don’t worry, Xu Yi’s just like you, a good kid.”
“But, why?”
Bala leaned onto the bed, and tidied up her nightgown. With a serious tone she’s never used before, she said to me, “Little Ear, do you know? When you love someone, you can do anything for him.”
When I walked into “Forget It” Bar, it was the third day of the Lunar new year (late Jan – early Feb).
“Forget It” Bar was near the technical school. Every weekend, it was packed full with all sorts of bizarre guys. They dyed their hair different colors, and played billiards, topless in the wintertime, shouting out foul language. The lady boss at the noodle shop told me I’d be able to find Bala there.
When I arrived, Bala was loudly telling a joke. She saw me and pulled me outside. The snow had stopped, and the sun was blinding. Bala blocked her head with her hand, and asked me, “So, Little Ear, why are you looking for me?”
“Xu Yi,” I said. “I heard he did really bad on his exams.”
“Is that so?” Bala said indifferently.
“Why don’t you help him?”
“Well, why don’t you?” Bala said.
I bit my lip and said, “I can’t.”
“If you love him, just tell him.” Bala pulled out a cigarette and lit it, looking at me.
“Please,” I said.
Bala threw the cigarette b.u.t.t to the ground and stepped on it. “Zhang Yang would kill me. But he’s gone to his grandmother’s in Shanghai, for the new year. How about this. You invite Xu Yi out for me. Then it will be like we’ve met coincidentally, and it will be less troublesome.”
I was actually calling a boy on the phone.
He asked, “Who’s this?”
I leaned on the public phone booth, voice quivering, and said, “Can you come to ‘Forget It’ Bar?”
“Who are you?”
“I wrote you a letter,” I said. “I’ll be at ‘Forget It’ Bar, and I’ll wait an hour for you.”
When I was done speaking, I threw down the phone. I knew he would come. A curious person would surely show up.
I walked out of the booth and back to “Forget It.” Bala was standing on the narrow wood stage, singing Faye Wong’s “Chanel.” I’m your Chanel, you’re my model. Before the song was over, I saw Xu Yi. He looked like he’d run over, forehead covered in sweat. He kept staring at Bala on the stage, eyes never leaving. He looked haggard, and I felt distressed.
“Hi, hi, hi!” Bala cut her song off, and jumped down from the stage. She skipped all the way over to me, and shouted, “Little Ear, your handsome guy is here!”
Then Bala turned to Xu Yi and whistled loudly.
My face turned red and red over again.
Xu Yi walked over to us, and sat down across from me. He cleared his throat, and whispered to Bala, “I just want to know. Is it true, about Zhang Yang?”