CHAPTER 34
Wherein Mr Ralph Nickleby is visited by Persons with whom the Reader has been already made acquainted "What a demnition long time you have kept me ringing at this confounded old cracked tea-kettle of a bell, every tinkle of which is enough to throw a strong man into blue convulsions, upon my life and soul, oh demmit,"-said Mr Mantalini to Newman Noggs, sc.r.a.ping his boots, as he spoke, on Ralph Nickleby"s sc.r.a.per.
"I didn"t hear the bell more than once," replied Newman.
"Then you are most immensely and outr-i-geously deaf," said Mr Mantalini, "as deaf as a demnition post."
Mr Mantalini had got by this time into the pa.s.sage, and was making his way to the door of Ralph"s office with very little ceremony, when Newman interposed his body; and hinting that Mr Nickleby was unwilling to be disturbed, inquired whether the client"s business was of a pressing nature.
"It is most demnebly particular," said Mr Mantalini. "It is to melt some sc.r.a.ps of dirty paper into bright, shining, c.h.i.n.king, tinkling, demd mint sauce."
Newman uttered a significant grunt, and taking Mr Mantalini"s proffered card, limped with it into his master"s office. As he thrust his head in at the door, he saw that Ralph had resumed the thoughtful posture into which he had fallen after perusing his nephew"s letter, and that he seemed to have been reading it again, as he once more held it open in his hand. The glance was but momentary, for Ralph, being disturbed, turned to demand the cause of the interruption.
As Newman stated it, the cause himself swaggered into the room, and grasping Ralph"s h.o.r.n.y hand with uncommon affection, vowed that he had never seen him looking so well in all his life.
"There is quite a bloom upon your demd countenance," said Mr Mantalini, seating himself unbidden, and arranging his hair and whiskers. "You look quite juvenile and jolly, demmit!"
"We are alone," returned Ralph, tartly. "What do you want with me?"
"Good!" cried Mr Mantalini, displaying his teeth. "What did I want! Yes. Ha, ha! Very good. WHAT did I want. Ha, ha. Oh dem!"
"What DO you want, man?" demanded Ralph, sternly.
"Demnition discount," returned Mr Mantalini, with a grin, and shaking his head waggishly.
"Money is scarce," said Ralph.
"Demd scarce, or I shouldn"t want it," interrupted Mr Mantalini.
"The times are bad, and one scarcely knows whom to trust," continued Ralph. "I don"t want to do business just now, in fact I would rather not; but as you are a friend-how many bills have you there?"
"Two," returned Mr Mantalini.
"What is the gross amount?"
"Demd trifling-five-and-seventy."
"And the dates?"
"Two months, and four."
"I"ll do them for you-mind, for YOU; I wouldn"t for many people-for five-and-twenty pounds," said Ralph, deliberately.
"Oh demmit!" cried Mr Mantalini, whose face lengthened considerably at this handsome proposal.
"Why, that leaves you fifty," retorted Ralph. "What would you have? Let me see the names."
"You are so demd hard, Nickleby," remonstrated Mr Mantalini.
"Let me see the names," replied Ralph, impatiently extending his hand for the bills. "Well! They are not sure, but they are safe enough. Do you consent to the terms, and will you take the money? I don"t want you to do so. I would rather you didn"t."
"Demmit, Nickleby, can"t you-" began Mr Mantalini.
"No," replied Ralph, interrupting him. "I can"t. Will you take the money-down, mind; no delay, no going into the city and pretending to negotiate with some other party who has no existence, and never had. Is it a bargain, or is it not?"
Ralph pushed some papers from him as he spoke, and carelessly rattled his cash-box, as though by mere accident. The sound was too much for Mr Mantalini. He closed the bargain directly it reached his ears, and Ralph told the money out upon the table.
He had scarcely done so, and Mr Mantalini had not yet gathered it all up, when a ring was heard at the bell, and immediately afterwards Newman ushered in no less a person than Madame Mantalini, at sight of whom Mr Mantalini evinced considerable discomposure, and swept the cash into his pocket with remarkable alacrity.
"Oh, you ARE here," said Madame Mantalini, tossing her head.
"Yes, my life and soul, I am," replied her husband, dropping on his knees, and pouncing with kitten-like playfulness upon a stray sovereign. "I am here, my soul"s delight, upon Tom Tiddler"s ground, picking up the demnition gold and silver."
"I am ashamed of you," said Madame Mantalini, with much indignation.
"Ashamed-of ME, my joy? It knows it is talking demd charming sweetness, but naughty fibs," returned Mr Mantalini. "It knows it is not ashamed of its own popolorum tibby."
Whatever were the circ.u.mstances which had led to such a result, it certainly appeared as though the popolorum tibby had rather miscalculated, for the nonce, the extent of his lady"s affection. Madame Mantalini only looked scornful in reply; and, turning to Ralph, begged him to excuse her intrusion.
"Which is entirely attributable," said Madame, "to the gross misconduct and most improper behaviour of Mr Mantalini."
"Of me, my essential juice of pineapple!"
"Of you," returned his wife. "But I will not allow it. I will not submit to be ruined by the extravagance and profligacy of any man. I call Mr Nickleby to witness the course I intend to pursue with you."
"Pray don"t call me to witness anything, ma"am," said Ralph. "Settle it between yourselves, settle it between yourselves."
"No, but I must beg you as a favour," said Madame Mantalini, "to hear me give him notice of what it is my fixed intention to do-my fixed intention, sir," repeated Madame Mantalini, darting an angry look at her husband.
"Will she call me "Sir"?" cried Mantalini. "Me who dote upon her with the demdest ardour! She, who coils her fascinations round me like a pure angelic rattlesnake! It will be all up with my feelings; she will throw me into a demd state."
"Don"t talk of feelings, sir," rejoined Madame Mantalini, seating herself, and turning her back upon him. "You don"t consider mine."
"I do not consider yours, my soul!" exclaimed Mr Mantalini.
"No," replied his wife.
And notwithstanding various blandishments on the part of Mr Mantalini, Madame Mantalini still said no, and said it too with such determined and resolute ill-temper, that Mr Mantalini was clearly taken aback.
"His extravagance, Mr Nickleby," said Madame Mantalini, addressing herself to Ralph, who leant against his easy-chair with his hands behind him, and regarded the amiable couple with a smile of the supremest and most unmitigated contempt,-"his extravagance is beyond all bounds."
"I should scarcely have supposed it," answered Ralph, sarcastically.
"I a.s.sure you, Mr Nickleby, however, that it is," returned Madame Mantalini. "It makes me miserable! I am under constant apprehensions, and in constant difficulty. And even this," said Madame Mantalini, wiping her eyes, "is not the worst. He took some papers of value out of my desk this morning without asking my permission."
Mr Mantalini groaned slightly, and b.u.t.toned his trousers pocket.
"I am obliged," continued Madame Mantalini, "since our late misfortunes, to pay Miss Knag a great deal of money for having her name in the business, and I really cannot afford to encourage him in all his wastefulness. As I have no doubt that he came straight here, Mr Nickleby, to convert the papers I have spoken of, into money, and as you have a.s.sisted us very often before, and are very much connected with us in this kind of matters, I wish you to know the determination at which his conduct has compelled me to arrive."
Mr Mantalini groaned once more from behind his wife"s bonnet, and fitting a sovereign into one of his eyes, winked with the other at Ralph. Having achieved this performance with great dexterity, he whipped the coin into his pocket, and groaned again with increased penitence.
"I have made up my mind," said Madame Mantalini, as tokens of impatience manifested themselves in Ralph"s countenance, "to allowance him."
"To do that, my joy?" inquired Mr Mantalini, who did not seem to have caught the words.
"To put him," said Madame Mantalini, looking at Ralph, and prudently abstaining from the slightest glance at her husband, lest his many graces should induce her to falter in her resolution, "to put him upon a fixed allowance; and I say that if he has a hundred and twenty pounds a year for his clothes and pocket-money, he may consider himself a very fortunate man."
Mr Mantalini waited, with much decorum, to hear the amount of the proposed stipend, but when it reached his ears, he cast his hat and cane upon the floor, and drawing out his pocket-handkerchief, gave vent to his feelings in a dismal moan.
"Demnition!" cried Mr Mantalini, suddenly skipping out of his chair, and as suddenly skipping into it again, to the great discomposure of his lady"s nerves. "But no. It is a demd horrid dream. It is not reality. No!"
Comforting himself with this a.s.surance, Mr Mantalini closed his eyes and waited patiently till such time as he should wake up.
"A very judicious arrangement," observed Ralph with a sneer, "if your husband will keep within it, ma"am-as no doubt he will."
"Demmit!" exclaimed Mr Mantalini, opening his eyes at the sound of Ralph"s voice, "it is a horrid reality. She is sitting there before me. There is the graceful outline of her form; it cannot be mistaken-there is nothing like it. The two countesses had no outlines at all, and the dowager"s was a demd outline. Why is she so excruciatingly beautiful that I cannot be angry with her, even now?"
"You have brought it upon yourself, Alfred," returned Madame Mantalini-still reproachfully, but in a softened tone.
"I am a demd villain!" cried Mr Mantalini, smiting himself on the head. "I will fill my pockets with change for a sovereign in halfpence and drown myself in the Thames; but I will not be angry with her, even then, for I will put a note in the twopenny-post as I go along, to tell her where the body is. She will be a lovely widow. I shall be a body. Some handsome women will cry; she will laugh demnebly."
"Alfred, you cruel, cruel creature," said Madame Mantalini, sobbing at the dreadful picture.
"She calls me cruel-me-me-who for her sake will become a demd, damp, moist, unpleasant body!" exclaimed Mr Mantalini.
"You know it almost breaks my heart, even to hear you talk of such a thing," replied Madame Mantalini.
"Can I live to be mistrusted?" cried her husband. "Have I cut my heart into a demd extraordinary number of little pieces, and given them all away, one after another, to the same little engrossing demnition captivater, and can I live to be suspected by her? Demmit, no I can"t."
"Ask Mr Nickleby whether the sum I have mentioned is not a proper one," reasoned Madame Mantalini.
"I don"t want any sum," replied her disconsolate husband; "I shall require no demd allowance. I will be a body."
On this repet.i.tion of Mr Mantalini"s fatal threat, Madame Mantalini wrung her hands, and implored the interference of Ralph Nickleby; and after a great quant.i.ty of tears and talking, and several attempts on the part of Mr Mantalini to reach the door, preparatory to straightway committing violence upon himself, that gentleman was prevailed upon, with difficulty, to promise that he wouldn"t be a body. This great point attained, Madame Mantalini argued the question of the allowance, and Mr Mantalini did the same, taking occasion to show that he could live with uncommon satisfaction upon bread and water, and go clad in rags, but that he could not support existence with the additional burden of being mistrusted by the object of his most devoted and disinterested affection. This brought fresh tears into Madame Mantalini"s eyes, which having just begun to open to some few of the demerits of Mr Mantalini, were only open a very little way, and could be easily closed again. The result was, that without quite giving up the allowance question, Madame Mantalini, postponed its further consideration; and Ralph saw, clearly enough, that Mr Mantalini had gained a fresh lease of his easy life, and that, for some time longer at all events, his degradation and downfall were postponed.
"But it will come soon enough," thought Ralph; "all love-bah! that I should use the cant of boys and girls-is fleeting enough; though that which has its sole root in the admiration of a whiskered face like that of yonder baboon, perhaps lasts the longest, as it originates in the greater blindness and is fed by vanity. Meantime the fools bring grist to my mill, so let them live out their day, and the longer it is, the better."
These agreeable reflections occurred to Ralph Nickleby, as sundry small caresses and endearments, supposed to be unseen, were exchanged between the objects of his thoughts.
"If you have nothing more to say, my dear, to Mr Nickleby," said Madame Mantalini, "we will take our leaves. I am sure we have detained him much too long already."
Mr Mantalini answered, in the first instance, by tapping Madame Mantalini several times on the nose, and then, by remarking in words that he had nothing more to say.
"Demmit! I have, though," he added almost immediately, drawing Ralph into a corner. "Here"s an affair about your friend Sir Mulberry. Such a demd extraordinary out-of-the-way kind of thing as never was-eh?"
"What do you mean?" asked Ralph.
"Don"t you know, demmit?" asked Mr Mantalini.
"I see by the paper that he was thrown from his cabriolet last night, and severely injured, and that his life is in some danger," answered Ralph with great composure; "but I see nothing extraordinary in that-accidents are not miraculous events, when men live hard, and drive after dinner."
"Whew!" cried Mr Mantalini in a long shrill whistle. "Then don"t you know how it was?"
"Not unless it was as I have just supposed," replied Ralph, shrugging his shoulders carelessly, as if to give his questioner to understand that he had no curiosity upon the subject.
"Demmit, you amaze me," cried Mantalini.
Ralph shrugged his shoulders again, as if it were no great feat to amaze Mr Mantalini, and cast a wistful glance at the face of Newman Noggs, which had several times appeared behind a couple of panes of gla.s.s in the room door; it being a part of Newman"s duty, when unimportant people called, to make various feints of supposing that the bell had rung for him to show them out: by way of a gentle hint to such visitors that it was time to go.
"Don"t you know," said Mr Mantalini, taking Ralph by the b.u.t.ton, "that it wasn"t an accident at all, but a demd, furious, manslaughtering attack made upon him by your nephew?"
"What!" snarled Ralph, clenching his fists and turning a livid white.
"Demmit, Nickleby, you"re as great a tiger as he is," said Mantalini, alarmed at these demonstrations.
"Go on," cried Ralph. "Tell me what you mean. What is this story? Who told you? Speak," growled Ralph. "Do you hear me?"
"Gad, Nickleby," said Mr Mantalini, retreating towards his wife, "what a demneble fierce old evil genius you are! You"re enough to frighten the life and soul out of her little delicious wits-flying all at once into such a blazing, ravaging, raging pa.s.sion as never was, demmit!"
"Pshaw," rejoined Ralph, forcing a smile. "It is but manner."
"It is a demd uncomfortable, private-madhouse-sort of a manner," said Mr Mantalini, picking up his cane.
Ralph affected to smile, and once more inquired from whom Mr Mantalini had derived his information.
"From Pyke; and a demd, fine, pleasant, gentlemanly dog it is," replied Mantalini. "Demnition pleasant, and a tip-top sawyer."
"And what said he?" asked Ralph, knitting his brows.
"That it happened this way-that your nephew met him at a coffeehouse, fell upon him with the most demneble ferocity, followed him to his cab, swore he would ride home with him, if he rode upon the horse"s back or hooked himself on to the horse"s tail; smashed his countenance, which is a demd fine countenance in its natural state; frightened the horse, pitched out Sir Mulberry and himself, and-"
"And was killed?" interposed Ralph with gleaming eyes. "Was he? Is he dead?"
Mantalini shook his head.
"Ugh," said Ralph, turning away. "Then he has done nothing. Stay," he added, looking round again. "He broke a leg or an arm, or put his shoulder out, or fractured his collar-bone, or ground a rib or two? His neck was saved for the halter, but he got some painful and slow-healing injury for his trouble? Did he? You must have heard that, at least."
"No," rejoined Mantalini, shaking his head again. "Unless he was dashed into such little pieces that they blew away, he wasn"t hurt, for he went off as quiet and comfortable as-as-as demnition," said Mr Mantalini, rather at a loss for a simile.
"And what," said Ralph, hesitating a little, "what was the cause of quarrel?"
"You are the demdest, knowing hand," replied Mr Mantalini, in an admiring tone, "the cunningest, rummest, superlativest old fox-oh dem!-to pretend now not to know that it was the little bright-eyed niece-the softest, sweetest, prettiest-"
"Alfred!" interposed Madame Mantalini.
"She is always right," rejoined Mr Mantalini soothingly, "and when she says it is time to go, it is time, and go she shall; and when she walks along the streets with her own tulip, the women shall say, with envy, she has got a demd fine husband; and the men shall say with rapture, he has got a demd fine wife; and they shall both be right and neither wrong, upon my life and soul-oh demmit!"