The New Pun Book.
by Thomas A. Brown and Thomas Joseph Carey.
The New Pun Book
"He"s a professional grafter."
"Who?"
"The nurseryman."
"You know Fatty Schultz the butcher. What do you suppose he weighs?"
"I don"t know, what does he weigh?"
"Meat."
"I saw a sign in a hardware store to-day "Cast iron sinks." As though everyone wasn"t wise to that."
"How are you to-day?"
"Oh, I can"t kick."
"Thought you were ill."
"I am--I have the gout."
"Let me see," said the minister, who was filling out the marriage certificate and had forgotten the date, "this is the fifth, is it not?"
"No, sir!" said the bride, with some indignation, "this is only my third!"
She--I had a $5 bill in this dictionary yesterday and I can"t find it anywhere.
He--Did you look among the Vs, dear?
"Have you ever met my sister, Louisa?"
"Yes. She"s rather stout, isn"t she?"
"I have another at home--Lena."
"Why do you call that colored man a blackmailer."
"Because he is employed at the post-office. And that ain"t the worst of it."
"No?"
"No, sir; his wife takes hush money."
"You don"t say so!"
"I do. She"s a child nurse."
The street car lurched, she fell ker-flump!
But got up with a happy smile, And to the young man said: "Please, sir, How many laps are to the mile?"
I hear they are trying to close up the gambling establishments in New York. Why didn"t they close up Adam? He was the first gambler. Didn"t he start the races?
"Gee, I just made a bad break," murmured the chef, as he threw away some rotten eggs.
"This is our latest novelty," said the manufacturer, proudly.
"Good work, isn"t it?"