"There is a man who never knew such a thing as fear."
"Ah, had a military training, I suppose."
"No; his nerve is inherited. His father and his grandfather were both janitors."
"What is the plural of man, Johnny?" asked the teacher of a small pupil.
"Men," answered Johnny.
"Correct," said the teacher. "And what is the plural of child?"
"Twins," was the unexpected answer.
FIRST COMEDIAN--"Did you score a hit with your new specialty?"
SECOND COMEDIAN--"Did I? Why, the audience gazed in open-mouthed wonder before I was half through."
FIRST COMEDIAN--"Wonderful! It is seldom that an entire audience yawns at once."
If I might hold that hand again Clasped lovingly in mine, I"d little care what others sought-- That hand I held, lang syne!
That hand! Oh, warm it was and soft!
Soft? Ne"er was so soft a thing!
Ah, me! I"ll hold it ne"er again-- Ace, ten, knave, queen and king!
WIFE--"Got a dollar?"
HUSBAND--"Where"s the last dollar I gave you?"
"Gone."
"I thought I told you to make it go as far as you could."
"I did."
"Doesn"t look like it."
"Well, I did; I sent it to the Fiji Island heathen."
Some one threw a head of cabbage at an Irish orator while he was making a speech once. He paused a second, and said: "Gentlemen, I only asked for your ears, I don"t care for your heads!" He was not bothered any more during the remainder of his speech.
"Why are you sad, Bill?"
"Oh, I am troubled with dyspepsia."
"How can that be?"
"I got licked at school "cause I couldn"t spell it."
MRS. LIMBERCHIN--I was so mad last night I couldn"t speak.
MR. L.--And I was away! Just my luck!
--"That Jersey murderer was clever to get off as he did, wasn"t he?"
--"What was his plea--insanity?"
--"No, malaria."
"I"ve been married five years, and I"ve got a bushel of children."
"How"s that?"
"My name is Peck. I"ve got four children. Don"t four pecks make a bushel?"
The weary desert stretched for miles. Stretched for sheer weariness. Not a drop of water was in sight.
Then it was that the traveler had an inspiration.