VISITOR--"Oh, what a nice parrot you"ve got! Pretty Polly! Polly want a cracker?"
PARROT--"Oh, come off! I"m not as green as I look."
"Dear," said the physician"s wife, "when can you let me have ten dollars?"
"Well," replied the medical man. "I hope to cash a draft shortly."
"Cash a draft? What draft?"
"The one I saw old Jenkins sitting in this morning."
NEWLYWED-"What do bachelors know about women?"
OLDBACH-"Lots; otherwise they would not be bachelors."
"And did you never kiss a girl under the mistletoe?"
"Well, no; its pleasanter to kiss her under the nose."
WIFE-Will you see that my grave is kept green, my darling?
HUSBAND--No, my dear, but I will plant violets upon it.
"For what reason?"
"Because I do not wish any grave-robber to dig up your body."
"How will the planting of violets upon my grave prevent them from digging me up?"
"Your grave will be kept inviolate, of course."
HAUGHTY LADY--(who has purchased a stamp)-Must I put it on myself?
POST OFFICE a.s.sISTANT (very politely)--Not necessarily, ma"am; it will probably accomplish more if you put it on the letter.
My dentist has an eagle eye And vicious tools he hacks with, He"s clever, but I"ve come to think He"d make a better blacksmith.
"Well, I see Admiral Dewey"s rank is reduced."
"What is he, a commodore?"
"No."
"A captain?"
"No."
"Well, what is he?"
"Mrs. Dewey"s second mate."
"Well, have you anything to say?" asked the Judge.
The little man on the witness stand looked around the court-room rather fearfully.
"That depends," he answered at last "Is my wife in the room?"
"I hope they don"t give my little boy any naughty nicknames in school?"
"Yes, ma, they call me "Corns"."
"How dreadful! And why do they call you that?"
"Cause in our cla.s.s, you know, I"m always at the foot."