"Washington was born on Friday, and so was Napoleon and Tennyson and Gladstone."
"Yes, and every mother"s son of them is dead!"
"Are you an amateur photographer?"
"No. Why do you ask?"
"Oh, I heard that you got Miss Rox"s negative last night."
Pat and Mike each wanted to be first up on St. Patrick"s Day.
PAT--"If I"m up first I"ll make a chalk mark on the door."
MIKE--"And if I get up first I"ll rub it out!"
SIBLY--When Steve proposed to me he acted like a fish out of water.
TIRPIE--Why shouldn"t he? He knew he was caught.
SHE--Why do they call it an arm of the sea?
HE--Because it hugs the sh.o.r.e, I guess.
The sunshine warm and budding trees, Made Johnny feel quite gay.
He went to swim--the obsequies Are being held to-day.
"What"s the matter, John? You look kind o" weather-beaten this morning."
"That"s exactly what I am. I bet five dollars it would rain yesterday, and it didn"t!"
"Can you swim, little boy?"
"Yes, sir."
"Where did you learn?"
"In the water, sir."
MILLIE--"I wonder what the holes in a porous plaster are for?"
WILLIE--"Why, they"re for the pain to come out through, of course!"
"It"s a good idea to make light of your troubles." "I do,"
replied Happigo; "whenever a creditor sends me a letter I burn it."
"What have you got to say for yourself?" "Jes dis, suh; I wants a liar to defend me." "You mean a lawyer?" "Yes, suh; I knowed I most had it!"
"So her second husband is a tenor?"
"Yes; she says her first was a ba.s.s deceiver!"
"I cannot play second fiddle to any one."
"Then be my beau!"
JIMSON--Now, you wouldn"t marry me, would you?
MISS SEARS--Most certainly not; but why do you ask such a question?
JIMSON--Just to decide a bet.