Don"t take a bull by the horns; take him by the tail, then you can let go without getting some one to help you.
"Women, my boy," said a parent to his son, "are a delusion and a snare." "It is queer," murmured the boy, "people will hug a delusion." And while the old man looked queerly at him, the young man hunted up his roller-skates and went out to be snared.
"Would you," said the reporter who gets novel interviews, "tell me what book helped you most in life?"
After a thoughtful pause, the great man answered: "My bank-book."
"You were thrown out?" remarked the ash barrel. "That"s what you get for being crooked."
"The crookedness, is not my fault," said the nail. "I was driven to it by a woman."
"What relation is a door-step to a door-mat?"
"What relation?"
"A step-farther."
GUIDE--This is a dogwood tree.
STRANGER--How can you tell?
GUIDE--By its bark.
Some of us have more ups and downs in this world than others, but when we get to the cemetery, we will all be on the dead level.
MRS. POWELL--"I have such an indulgent husband!"
MRS. CAMERON (spitefully)--"Yes, so Justin tells me, but he sometimes indulges too much, doesn"t he?"
"They caught the burglars that robbed the hotel last night."
"How?"
"They jumped on the scales and gave themselves a weigh."
"You own your own house, don"t you?"
"I used to."
"Have you sold it?"
"No, I haven"t sold it."
"Then how is it you don"t own it?"
"Well, you see, we have company most of the time."
"Mike, d" I ever tell ye the story about the dirty window?"
"You did not. Tell me about it."
"No use--you couldn"t see through it."
A lady noticed a boy sprinkling salt on the sidewalk to take off the ice, and remarked to a friend, pointing to the salt:
"Now, that"s true benevolence."
"No, it ain"t," said the boy, somewhat indignant, "it"s salt."
TEACHER--Thomas, can you tell me which battle Nelson was killed in?
TOMMY (after a moment"s reflection)--I think it was his last.