"There are his boots, Mr Richard!" said Bra.s.s.
"Very obstinate-looking articles they are too," quoth Richard Swiveller. And truly, they were as st.u.r.dy and bluff a pair of boots as one would wish to see; as firmly planted on the ground as if their owner"s legs and feet had been in them; and seeming, with their broad soles and blunt toes, to hold possession of their place by main force.
"I can"t see anything but the curtain of the bed," said Bra.s.s, applying his eye to the keyhole of the door. "Is he a strong man, Mr Richard?"
Very," answered d.i.c.k.
It would be an extremely unpleasant circ.u.mstance if he was to bounce out suddenly," said Bra.s.s. "Keep the stairs clear. I should be more than a match for him, of course, but I"m the master of the house, and the laws of hospitality must be respected.--Hallo there! Hallo, hallo!"
While Mr Bra.s.s, with his eye curiously twisted into the keyhole, uttered these sounds as a means of attracting the lodger"s attention, and while Miss Bra.s.s plied the hand-bell, Mr Swiveller put his stool close against the wall by the side of the door, and mounting on the top and standing bolt upright, so that if the lodger did make a rush, he would most probably pa.s.s him in its onward fury, began a violent battery with the ruler upon the upper panels of the door. Captivated with his own ingenuity, and confident in the strength of his position, which he had taken up after the method of those hardy individuals who open the pit and gallery doors of theatres on crowded nights, Mr Swiveller rained down such a shower of blows, that the noise of the bell was drowned; and the small servant, who lingered on the stairs below, ready to fly at a moment"s notice, was obliged to hold her ears lest she should be rendered deaf for life.
Suddenly the door was unlocked on the inside, and flung violently open.
The small servant flew to the coal-cellar; Miss Sally dived into her own bed-room; Mr Bra.s.s, who was not remarkable for personal courage, ran into the next street, and finding that n.o.body followed him, armed with a poker or other offensive weapon, put his hands in his pockets, walked very slowly all at once, and whistled.
Meanwhile, Mr Swiveller, on the top of the stool, drew himself into as flat a shape as possible against the wall, and looked, not unconcernedly, down upon the single gentleman, who appeared at the door growling and cursing in a very awful manner, and, with the boots in his hand, seemed to have an intention of hurling them down stairs on speculation. This idea, however, he abandoned. He was turning into his room again, still growling vengefully, when his eyes met those of the watchful Richard.
"Have YOU been making that horrible noise?" said the single gentleman.
"I have been helping, sir," returned d.i.c.k, keeping his eye upon him, and waving the ruler gently in his right hand, as an indication of what the single gentleman had to expect if he attempted any violence.
"How dare you then," said the lodger, "Eh?"
To this, d.i.c.k made no other reply than by inquiring whether the lodger held it to be consistent with the conduct and character of a gentleman to go to sleep for six-and-twenty hours at a stretch, and whether the peace of an amiable and virtuous family was to weigh as nothing in the balance.
"Is my peace nothing?" said the single gentleman.
"Is their peace nothing, sir?" returned d.i.c.k. "I don"t wish to hold out any threats, sir--indeed the law does not allow of threats, for to threaten is an indictable offence--but if ever you do that again, take care you"re not sat upon by the coroner and buried in a cross road before you wake. We have been distracted with fears that you were dead, Sir," said d.i.c.k, gently sliding to the ground, "and the short and the long of it is, that we cannot allow single gentlemen to come into this establishment and sleep like double gentlemen without paying extra for it."
"Indeed!" cried the lodger.
"Yes, Sir, indeed," returned d.i.c.k, yielding to his destiny and saying whatever came uppermost; "an equal quant.i.ty of slumber was never got out of one bed and bedstead, and if you"re going to sleep in that way, you must pay for a double-bedded room."
Instead of being thrown into a greater pa.s.sion by these remarks, the lodger lapsed into a broad grin and looked at Mr Swiveller with twinkling eyes. He was a brown-faced sun-burnt man, and appeared browner and more sun-burnt from having a white nightcap on. As it was clear that he was a choleric fellow in some respects, Mr Swiveller was relieved to find him in such good humour, and, to encourage him in it, smiled himself.
The lodger, in the testiness of being so rudely roused, had pushed his nightcap very much on one side of his bald head. This gave him a rakish eccentric air which, now that he had leisure to observe it, charmed Mr Swiveller exceedingly; therefore, by way of propitiation, he expressed his hope that the gentleman was going to get up, and further that he would never do so any more.
"Come here, you impudent rascal!" was the lodger"s answer as he re-entered his room.
Mr Swiveller followed him in, leaving the stool outside, but reserving the ruler in case of a surprise. He rather congratulated himself on his prudence when the single gentleman, without notice or explanation of any kind, double-locked the door.
"Can you drink anything?" was his next inquiry.
Mr Swiveller replied that he had very recently been a.s.suaging the pangs of thirst, but that he was still open to "a modest quencher," if the materials were at hand. Without another word spoken on either side, the lodger took from his great trunk, a kind of temple, shining as of polished silver, and placed it carefully on the table.
Greatly interested in his proceedings, Mr Swiveller observed him closely. Into one little chamber of this temple, he dropped an egg; into another some coffee; into a third a compact piece of raw steak from a neat tin case; into a fourth, he poured some water. Then, with the aid of a phosphorus-box and some matches, he procured a light and applied it to a spirit-lamp which had a place of its own below the temple; then, he shut down the lids of all the little chambers; then he opened them; and then, by some wonderful and unseen agency, the steak was done, the egg was boiled, the coffee was accurately prepared, and his breakfast was ready.
"Hot water--" said the lodger, handing it to Mr Swiveller with as much coolness as if he had a kitchen fire before him--"extraordinary rum--sugar--and a travelling gla.s.s. Mix for yourself. And make haste."
d.i.c.k complied, his eyes wandering all the time from the temple on the table, which seemed to do everything, to the great trunk which seemed to hold everything. The lodger took his breakfast like a man who was used to work these miracles, and thought nothing of them.
"The man of the house is a lawyer, is he not?" said the lodger.
d.i.c.k nodded. The rum was amazing.
"The woman of the house--what"s she?"
"A dragon," said d.i.c.k.
The single gentleman, perhaps because he had met with such things in his travels, or perhaps because he WAS a single gentleman, evinced no surprise, but merely inquired "Wife or Sister?"--"Sister," said d.i.c.k.--"So much the better," said the single gentleman, "he can get rid of her when he likes."
"I want to do as I like, young man," he added after a short silence; "to go to bed when I like, get up when I like, come in when I like, go out when I like--to be asked no questions and be surrounded by no spies. In this last respect, servants are the devil. There"s only one here."
"And a very little one," said d.i.c.k.
"And a very little one," repeated the lodger. "Well, the place will suit me, will it?"
"Yes," said d.i.c.k.
"Sharks, I suppose?" said the lodger.
d.i.c.k nodded a.s.sent, and drained his gla.s.s.
"Let them know my humour," said the single gentleman, rising. "If they disturb me, they lose a good tenant. If they know me to be that, they know enough. If they try to know more, it"s a notice to quit. It"s better to understand these things at once. Good day."
"I beg your pardon," said d.i.c.k, halting in his pa.s.sage to the door, which the lodger prepared to open. "When he who adores thee has left but the name--"
"What do you mean?"
"--But the name," said d.i.c.k--"has left but the name--in case of letters or parcels--"
"I never have any," returned the lodger.
"Or in the case anybody should call."
"n.o.body ever calls on me."
"If any mistake should arise from not having the name, don"t say it was my fault, Sir," added d.i.c.k, still lingering.--"Oh blame not the bard--"
"I"ll blame n.o.body," said the lodger, with such irascibility that in a moment d.i.c.k found himself on the staircase, and the locked door between them.
Mr Bra.s.s and Miss Sally were lurking hard by, having been, indeed, only routed from the keyhole by Mr Swiveller"s abrupt exit. As their utmost exertions had not enabled them to overhear a word of the interview, however, in consequence of a quarrel for precedence, which, though limited of necessity to pushes and pinches and such quiet pantomime, had lasted the whole time, they hurried him down to the office to hear his account of the conversation.
This Mr Swiveller gave them--faithfully as regarded the wishes and character of the single gentleman, and poetically as concerned the great trunk, of which he gave a description more remarkable for brilliancy of imagination than a strict adherence to truth; declaring, with many strong a.s.severations, that it contained a specimen of every kind of rich food and wine, known in these times, and in particular that it was of a self-acting kind and served up whatever was required, as he supposed by clock-work. He also gave them to understand that the cooking apparatus roasted a fine piece of sirloin of beef, weighing about six pounds avoir-dupoise, in two minutes and a quarter, as he had himself witnessed, and proved by his sense of taste; and further, that, however the effect was produced, he had distinctly seen water boil and bubble up when the single gentleman winked; from which facts he (Mr Swiveller) was led to infer that the lodger was some great conjuror or chemist, or both, whose residence under that roof could not fail at some future days to shed a great credit and distinction on the name of Bra.s.s, and add a new interest to the history of Bevis Marks.
There was one point which Mr Swiveller deemed it unnecessary to enlarge upon, and that was the fact of the modest quencher, which, by reason of its intrinsic strength and its coming close upon the heels of the temperate beverage he had discussed at dinner, awakened a slight degree of fever, and rendered necessary two or three other modest quenchers at the public-house in the course of the evening.