CHAPTER 36
As the single gentleman after some weeks" occupation of his lodgings, still declined to correspond, by word or gesture, either with Mr Bra.s.s or his sister Sally, but invariably chose Richard Swiveller as his channel of communication; and as he proved himself in all respects a highly desirable inmate, paying for everything beforehand, giving very little trouble, making no noise, and keeping early hours; Mr Richard imperceptibly rose to an important position in the family, as one who had influence over this mysterious lodger, and could negotiate with him, for good or evil, when n.o.body else durst approach his person.
If the truth must be told, even Mr Swiveller"s approaches to the single gentleman were of a very distant kind, and met with small encouragement; but, as he never returned from a monosyllabic conference with the unknown, without quoting such expressions as "Swiveller, I know I can rely upon you,"--"I have no hesitation in saying, Swiveller, that I entertain a regard for you,"--"Swiveller, you are my friend, and will stand by me I am sure," with many other short speeches of the same familiar and confiding kind, purporting to have been addressed by the single gentleman to himself, and to form the staple of their ordinary discourse, neither Mr Bra.s.s nor Miss Sally for a moment questioned the extent of his influence, but accorded to him their fullest and most unqualified belief. But quite apart from, and independent of, this source of popularity, Mr Swiveller had another, which promised to be equally enduring, and to lighten his position considerably.
He found favour in the eyes of Miss Sally Bra.s.s. Let not the light scorners of female fascination erect their ears to listen to a new tale of love which shall serve them for a jest; for Miss Bra.s.s, however accurately formed to be beloved, was not of the loving kind. That amiable virgin, having clung to the skirts of the Law from her earliest youth; having sustained herself by their aid, as it were, in her first running alone, and maintained a firm grasp upon them ever since; had pa.s.sed her life in a kind of legal childhood. She had been remarkable, when a tender prattler for an uncommon talent in counterfeiting the walk and manner of a bailiff: in which character she had learned to tap her little playfellows on the shoulder, and to carry them off to imaginary sponging-houses, with a correctness of imitation which was the surprise and delight of all who witnessed her performances, and which was only to be exceeded by her exquisite manner of putting an execution into her doll"s house, and taking an exact inventory of the chairs and tables. These artless sports had naturally soothed and cheered the decline of her widowed father: a most exemplary gentleman (called "old Foxey" by his friends from his extreme sagacity,) who encouraged them to the utmost, and whose chief regret, on finding that he drew near to Houndsditch churchyard, was, that his daughter could not take out an attorney"s certificate and hold a place upon the roll.
Filled with this affectionate and touching sorrow, he had solemnly confided her to his son Sampson as an invaluable auxiliary; and from the old gentleman"s decease to the period of which we treat, Miss Sally Bra.s.s had been the prop and pillar of his business.
It is obvious that, having devoted herself from infancy to this one pursuit and study, Miss Bra.s.s could know but little of the world, otherwise than in connection with the law; and that from a lady gifted with such high tastes, proficiency in those gentler and softer arts in which women usually excel, was scarcely to be looked for. Miss Sally"s accomplishments were all of a masculine and strictly legal kind. They began with the practice of an attorney and they ended with it. She was in a state of lawful innocence, so to speak. The law had been her nurse. And, as bandy-legs or such physical deformities in children are held to be the consequence of bad nursing, so, if in a mind so beautiful any moral twist or handiness could be found, Miss Sally Bra.s.s"s nurse was alone to blame.
It was on this lady, then, that Mr Swiveller burst in full freshness as something new and hitherto undreamed of, lighting up the office with sc.r.a.ps of song and merriment, conjuring with inkstands and boxes of wafers, catching three oranges in one hand, balancing stools upon his chin and penknives on his nose, and constantly performing a hundred other feats with equal ingenuity; for with such unbendings did Richard, in Mr Bra.s.s"s absence, relieve the tedium of his confinement. These social qualities, which Miss Sally first discovered by accident, gradually made such an impression upon her, that she would entreat Mr Swiveller to relax as though she were not by, which Mr Swiveller, nothing loth, would readily consent to do. By these means a friendship sprung up between them. Mr Swiveller gradually came to look upon her as her brother Sampson did, and as he would have looked upon any other clerk. He imparted to her the mystery of going the odd man or plain Newmarket for fruit, ginger-beer, baked potatoes, or even a modest quencher, of which Miss Bra.s.s did not scruple to partake. He would often persuade her to undertake his share of writing in addition to her own; nay, he would sometimes reward her with a hearty slap on the back, and protest that she was a devilish good fellow, a jolly dog, and so forth; all of which compliments Miss Sally would receive in entire good part and with perfect satisfaction.
One circ.u.mstance troubled Mr Swiveller"s mind very much, and that was that the small servant always remained somewhere in the bowels of the earth under Bevis Marks, and never came to the surface unless the single gentleman rang his bell, when she would answer it and immediately disappear again. She never went out, or came into the office, or had a clean face, or took off the coa.r.s.e ap.r.o.n, or looked out of any one of the windows, or stood at the street-door for a breath of air, or had any rest or enjoyment whatever. n.o.body ever came to see her, n.o.body spoke of her, n.o.body cared about her. Mr Bra.s.s had said once, that he believed she was a "love-child" (which means anything but a child of love), and that was all the information Richard Swiveller could obtain.
"It"s of no use asking the dragon," thought d.i.c.k one day, as he sat contemplating the features of Miss Sally Bra.s.s. "I suspect if I asked any questions on that head, our alliance would be at an end. I wonder whether she is a dragon by-the-bye, or something in the mermaid way.
She has rather a scaly appearance. But mermaids are fond of looking at themselves in the gla.s.s, which she can"t be. And they have a habit of combing their hair, which she hasn"t. No, she"s a dragon."
"Where are you going, old fellow?" said d.i.c.k aloud, as Miss Sally wiped her pen as usual on the green dress, and uprose from her seat.
"To dinner," answered the dragon.
"To dinner!" thought d.i.c.k, "that"s another circ.u.mstance. I don"t believe that small servant ever has anything to eat."
"Sammy won"t be home," said Miss Bra.s.s. "Stop till I come back. I sha"n"t be long."
d.i.c.k nodded, and followed Miss Bra.s.s--with his eyes to the door, and with his ears to a little back parlour, where she and her brother took their meals.
"Now," said d.i.c.k, walking up and down with his hands in his pockets, "I"d give something--if I had it--to know how they use that child, and where they keep her. My mother must have been a very inquisitive woman; I have no doubt I"m marked with a note of interrogation somewhere. My feelings I smother, but thou hast been the cause of this anguish, my--upon my word," said Mr Swiveller, checking himself and falling thoughtfully into the client"s chair, "I should like to know how they use her!"
After running on, in this way, for some time, Mr Swiveller softly opened the office door, with the intention of darting across the street for a gla.s.s of the mild porter. At that moment he caught a parting glimpse of the brown head-dress of Miss Bra.s.s flitting down the kitchen stairs. "And by Jove!" thought d.i.c.k, "she"s going to feed the small servant. Now or never!"
First peeping over the handrail and allowing the head-dress to disappear in the darkness below, he groped his way down, and arrived at the door of a back kitchen immediately after Miss Bra.s.s had entered the same, bearing in her hand a cold leg of mutton. It was a very dark miserable place, very low and very damp: the walls disfigured by a thousand rents and blotches. The water was trickling out of a leaky b.u.t.t, and a most wretched cat was lapping up the drops with the sickly eagerness of starvation. The grate, which was a wide one, was wound and screwed up tight, so as to hold no more than a little thin sandwich of fire. Everything was locked up; the coal-cellar, the candle-box, the salt-box, the meat-safe, were all padlocked. There was nothing that a beetle could have lunched upon. The pinched and meagre aspect of the place would have killed a chameleon. He would have known, at the first mouthful, that the air was not eatable, and must have given up the ghost in despair.
The small servant stood with humility in presence of Miss Sally, and hung her head.
"Are you there?" said Miss Sally.
"Yes, ma"am," was the answer in a weak voice.
"Go further away from the leg of mutton, or you"ll be picking it, I know," said Miss Sally.
The girl withdrew into a corner, while Miss Bra.s.s took a key from her pocket, and opening the safe, brought from it a dreary waste of cold potatoes, looking as eatable as Stonehenge. This she placed before the small servant, ordering her to sit down before it, and then, taking up a great carving-knife, made a mighty show of sharpening it upon the carving-fork.
"Do you see this?" said Miss Bra.s.s, slicing off about two square inches of cold mutton, after all this preparation, and holding it out on the point of the fork.
The small servant looked hard enough at it with her hungry eyes to see every shred of it, small as it was, and answered, "yes."
"Then don"t you ever go and say," retorted Miss Sally, "that you hadn"t meat here. There, eat it up."
This was soon done. "Now, do you want any more?" said Miss Sally.
The hungry creature answered with a faint "No." They were evidently going through an established form.
"You"ve been helped once to meat," said Miss Bra.s.s, summing up the facts; "you have had as much as you can eat, you"re asked if you want any more, and you answer, "no!" Then don"t you ever go and say you were allowanced, mind that."
With those words, Miss Sally put the meat away and locked the safe, and then drawing near to the small servant, overlooked her while she finished the potatoes.
It was plain that some extraordinary grudge was working in Miss Bra.s.s"s gentle breast, and that it was that which impelled her, without the smallest present cause, to rap the child with the blade of the knife, now on her hand, now on her head, and now on her back, as if she found it quite impossible to stand so close to her without administering a few slight knocks. But Mr Swiveller was not a little surprised to see his fellow-clerk, after walking slowly backwards towards the door, as if she were trying to withdraw herself from the room but could not accomplish it, dart suddenly forward, and falling on the small servant give her some hard blows with her clenched hand. The victim cried, but in a subdued manner as if she feared to raise her voice, and Miss Sally, comforting herself with a pinch of snuff, ascended the stairs, just as Richard had safely reached the office.
CHAPTER 37
The single gentleman among his other peculiarities--and he had a very plentiful stock, of which he every day furnished some new specimen--took a most extraordinary and remarkable interest in the exhibition of Punch. If the sound of a Punch"s voice, at ever so remote a distance, reached Bevis Marks, the single gentleman, though in bed and asleep, would start up, and, hurrying on his clothes, make for the spot with all speed, and presently return at the head of a long procession of idlers, having in the midst the theatre and its proprietors. Straightway, the stage would be set up in front of Mr Bra.s.s"s house; the single gentleman would establish himself at the first floor window; and the entertainment would proceed, with all its exciting accompaniments of fife and drum and shout, to the excessive consternation of all sober votaries of business in that silent thoroughfare. It might have been expected that when the play was done, both players and audience would have dispersed; but the epilogue was as bad as the play, for no sooner was the Devil dead, than the manager of the puppets and his partner were summoned by the single gentleman to his chamber, where they were regaled with strong waters from his private store, and where they held with him long conversations, the purport of which no human being could fathom. But the secret of these discussions was of little importance. It was sufficient to know that while they were proceeding, the concourse without still lingered round the house; that boys beat upon the drum with their fists, and imitated Punch with their tender voices; that the office-window was rendered opaque by flattened noses, and the key-hole of the street-door luminous with eyes; that every time the single gentleman or either of his guests was seen at the upper window, or so much as the end of one of their noses was visible, there was a great shout of execration from the excluded mob, who remained howling and yelling, and refusing consolation, until the exhibitors were delivered up to them to be attended elsewhere. It was sufficient, in short, to know that Bevis Marks was revolutionised by these popular movements, and that peace and quietness fled from its precincts.
n.o.body was rendered more indignant by these proceedings than Mr Sampson Bra.s.s, who, as he could by no means afford to lose so profitable an inmate, deemed it prudent to pocket his lodger"s affront along with his cash, and to annoy the audiences who cl.u.s.tered round his door by such imperfect means of retaliation as were open to him, and which were confined to the trickling down of foul water on their heads from unseen watering pots, pelting them with fragments of tile and mortar from the roof of the house, and bribing the drivers of hackney cabriolets to come suddenly round the corner and dash in among them precipitately.
It may, at first sight, be matter of surprise to the thoughtless few that Mr Bra.s.s, being a professional gentleman, should not have legally indicted some party or parties, active in the promotion of the nuisance, but they will be good enough to remember, that as Doctors seldom take their own prescriptions, and Divines do not always practise what they preach, so lawyers are shy of meddling with the Law on their own account: knowing it to be an edged tool of uncertain application, very expensive in the working, and rather remarkable for its properties of close shaving, than for its always shaving the right person.
"Come," said Mr Bra.s.s one afternoon, "this is two days without a Punch.
I"m in hopes he has run through "em all, at last."
"Why are you in hopes?" returned Miss Sally. "What harm do they do?"
"Here"s a pretty sort of a fellow!" cried Bra.s.s, laying down his pen in despair. "Now here"s an aggravating animal!"
"Well, what harm do they do?" retorted Sally.
"What harm!" cried Bra.s.s. "Is it no harm to have a constant hallooing and hooting under one"s very nose, distracting one from business, and making one grind one"s teeth with vexation? Is it no harm to be blinded and choked up, and have the king"s highway stopped with a set of screamers and roarers whose throats must be made of--of--"
"Bra.s.s," suggested Mr Swiveller.
"Ah! of bra.s.s," said the lawyer, glancing at his clerk, to a.s.sure himself that he had suggested the word in good faith and without any sinister intention. "Is that no harm?"
The lawyer stopped short in his invective, and listening for a moment, and recognising the well-known voice, rested his head upon his hand, raised his eyes to the ceiling, and muttered faintly,
"There"s another!"
Up went the single gentleman"s window directly.
"There"s another," repeated Bra.s.s; "and if I could get a break and four blood horses to cut into the Marks when the crowd is at its thickest, I"d give eighteen-pence and never grudge it!"
The distant squeak was heard again. The single gentleman"s door burst open. He ran violently down the stairs, out into the street, and so past the window, without any hat, towards the quarter whence the sound proceeded--bent, no doubt, upon securing the strangers" services directly.
"I wish I only knew who his friends were," muttered Sampson, filling his pocket with papers; "if they"d just get up a pretty little Commission de lunatico at the Gray"s Inn Coffee House and give me the job, I"d be content to have the lodgings empty for one while, at all events."
With which words, and knocking his hat over his eyes as if for the purpose of shutting out even a glimpse of the dreadful visitation, Mr Bra.s.s rushed from the house and hurried away.