With that the curtains closed, and he seemed to snore immediately.
"This is a most remarkable and supernatural sort of house!" said Mr Swiveller, as he walked into the office with the bill in his hand.
"She-dragons in the business, conducting themselves like professional gentlemen; plain cooks of three feet high appearing mysteriously from under ground; strangers walking in and going to bed without leave or licence in the middle of the day! If he should be one of the miraculous fellows that turn up now and then, and has gone to sleep for two years, I shall be in a pleasant situation. It"s my destiny, however, and I hope Bra.s.s may like it. I shall be sorry if he don"t.
But it"s no business of mine--I have nothing whatever to do with it!"
CHAPTER 35
Mr Bra.s.s on returning home received the report of his clerk with much complacency and satisfaction, and was particular in inquiring after the ten-pound note, which, proving on examination to be a good and lawful note of the Governor and Company of the Bank of England, increased his good-humour considerably. Indeed he so overflowed with liberality and condescension, that, in the fulness of his heart, he invited Mr Swiveller to partake of a bowl of punch with him at that remote and indefinite period which is currently denominated "one of these days,"
and paid him many handsome compliments on the uncommon apt.i.tude for business which his conduct on the first day of his devotion to it had so plainly evinced.
It was a maxim with Mr Bra.s.s that the habit of paying compliments kept a man"s tongue oiled without any expense; and, as that useful member ought never to grow rusty or creak in turning on its hinges in the case of a pract.i.tioner of the law, in whom it should be always glib and easy, he lost few opportunities of improving himself by the utterance of handsome speeches and eulogistic expressions. And this had pa.s.sed into such a habit with him, that, if he could not be correctly said to have his tongue at his fingers" ends, he might certainly be said to have it anywhere but in his face: which being, as we have already seen, of a harsh and repulsive character, was not oiled so easily, but frowned above all the smooth speeches--one of nature"s beacons, warning off those who navigated the shoals and breakers of the World, or of that dangerous strait the Law, and admonishing them to seek less treacherous harbours and try their fortune elsewhere.
While Mr Bra.s.s by turns overwhelmed his clerk with compliments and inspected the ten-pound note, Miss Sally showed little emotion and that of no pleasurable kind, for as the tendency of her legal practice had been to fix her thoughts on small gains and gripings, and to whet and sharpen her natural wisdom, she was not a little disappointed that the single gentleman had obtained the lodgings at such an easy rate, arguing that when he was seen to have set his mind upon them, he should have been at the least charged double or treble the usual terms, and that, in exact proportion as he pressed forward, Mr Swiveller should have hung back. But neither the good opinion of Mr Bra.s.s, nor the dissatisfaction of Miss Sally, wrought any impression upon that young gentleman, who, throwing the responsibility of this and all other acts and deeds thereafter to be done by him, upon his unlucky destiny, was quite resigned and comfortable: fully prepared for the worst, and philosophically indifferent to the best.
"Good morning, Mr Richard," said Bra.s.s, on the second day of Mr Swiveller"s clerkship. "Sally found you a second-hand stool, Sir, yesterday evening, in Whitechapel. She"s a rare fellow at a bargain, I can tell you, Mr Richard. You"ll find that a first-rate stool, Sir, take my word for it."
"It"s rather a crazy one to look at," said d.i.c.k.
"You"ll find it a most amazing stool to sit down upon, you may depend,"
returned Mr Bra.s.s. "It was bought in the open street just opposite the hospital, and as it has been standing there a month of two, it has got rather dusty and a little brown from being in the sun, that"s all."
"I hope it hasn"t got any fevers or anything of that sort in it," said d.i.c.k, sitting himself down discontentedly, between Mr Sampson and the chaste Sally. "One of the legs is longer than the others."
"Then we get a bit of timber in, Sir," retorted Bra.s.s. "Ha, ha, ha!
We get a bit of timber in, Sir, and that"s another advantage of my sister"s going to market for us. Miss Bra.s.s, Mr Richard is the--"
"Will you keep quiet?" interrupted the fair subject of these remarks, looking up from her papers. "How am I to work if you keep on chattering?"
"What an uncertain chap you are!" returned the lawyer. "Sometimes you"re all for a chat. At another time you"re all for work. A man never knows what humour he"ll find you in."
"I"m in a working humour now," said Sally, "so don"t disturb me, if you please. And don"t take him," Miss Sally pointed with the feather of her pen to Richard, "off his business. He won"t do more than he can help, I dare say."
Mr Bra.s.s had evidently a strong inclination to make an angry reply, but was deterred by prudent or timid considerations, as he only muttered something about aggravation and a vagabond; not a.s.sociating the terms with any individual, but mentioning them as connected with some abstract ideas which happened to occur to him. They went on writing for a long time in silence after this--in such a dull silence that Mr Swiveller (who required excitement) had several times fallen asleep, and written divers strange words in an unknown character with his eyes shut, when Miss Sally at length broke in upon the monotony of the office by pulling out the little tin box, taking a noisy pinch of snuff, and then expressing her opinion that Mr Richard Swiveller had "done it."
"Done what, ma"am?" said Richard.
"Do you know," returned Miss Bra.s.s, "that the lodger isn"t up yet-- that nothing has been seen or heard of him since he went to bed yesterday afternoon?"
"Well, ma"am," said d.i.c.k, "I suppose he may sleep his ten pound out, in peace and quietness, if he likes."
"Ah! I begin to think he"ll never wake," observed Miss Sally.
"It"s a very remarkable circ.u.mstance," said Bra.s.s, laying down his pen; "really, very remarkable. Mr Richard, you"ll remember, if this gentleman should be found to have hung himself to the bed-post, or any unpleasant accident of that kind should happen--you"ll remember, Mr Richard, that this ten pound note was given to you in part payment of two years" rent? You"ll bear that in mind, Mr Richard; you had better make a note of it, sir, in case you should ever be called upon to give evidence."
Mr Swiveller took a large sheet of foolscap, and with a countenance of profound gravity, began to make a very small note in one corner.
"We can never be too cautious," said Mr Bra.s.s. "There is a deal of wickedness going about the world, a deal of wickedness. Did the gentleman happen to say, Sir--but never mind that at present, sir; finish that little memorandum first."
d.i.c.k did so, and handed it to Mr Bra.s.s, who had dismounted from his stool, and was walking up and down the office.
"Oh, this is the memorandum, is it?" said Bra.s.s, running his eye over the doc.u.ment. "Very good. Now, Mr Richard, did the gentleman say anything else?"
"No."
"Are you sure, Mr Richard," said Bra.s.s, solemnly, "that the gentleman said nothing else?"
"Devil a word, Sir," replied d.i.c.k.
"Think again, Sir," said Bra.s.s; "it"s my duty, Sir, in the position in which I stand, and as an honourable member of the legal profession--the first profession in this country, Sir, or in any other country, or in any of the planets that shine above us at night and are supposed to be inhabited--it"s my duty, Sir, as an honourable member of that profession, not to put to you a leading question in a matter of this delicacy and importance. Did the gentleman, Sir, who took the first floor of you yesterday afternoon, and who brought with him a box of property--a box of property--say anything more than is set down in this memorandum?"
"Come, don"t be a fool," said Miss Sally.
d.i.c.k looked at her, and then at Bra.s.s, and then at Miss Sally again, and still said "No."
"Pooh, pooh! Deuce take it, Mr Richard, how dull you are!" cried Bra.s.s, relaxing into a smile. "Did he say anything about his property?--there!"
"That"s the way to put it," said Miss Sally, nodding to her brother.
"Did he say, for instance," added Bra.s.s, in a kind of comfortable, cozy tone--"I don"t a.s.sert that he did say so, mind; I only ask you, to refresh your memory--did he say, for instance, that he was a stranger in London--that it was not his humour or within his ability to give any references--that he felt we had a right to require them--and that, in case anything should happen to him, at any time, he particularly desired that whatever property he had upon the premises should be considered mine, as some slight recompense for the trouble and annoyance I should sustain--and were you, in short," added Bra.s.s, still more comfortably and cozily than before, "were you induced to accept him on my behalf, as a tenant, upon those conditions?"
"Certainly not," replied d.i.c.k.
"Why then, Mr Richard," said Bra.s.s, darting at him a supercilious and reproachful look, "it"s my opinion that you"ve mistaken your calling, and will never make a lawyer."
"Not if you live a thousand years," added Miss Sally. Whereupon the brother and sister took each a noisy pinch of snuff from the little tin box, and fell into a gloomy thoughtfulness.
Nothing further pa.s.sed up to Mr Swiveller"s dinner-time, which was at three o"clock, and seemed about three weeks in coming. At the first stroke of the hour, the new clerk disappeared. At the last stroke of five, he reappeared, and the office, as if by magic, became fragrant with the smell of gin and water and lemon-peel.
"Mr Richard," said Bra.s.s, "this man"s not up yet. Nothing will wake him, sir. What"s to be done?"
"I should let him have his sleep out," returned d.i.c.k.
"Sleep out!" cried Bra.s.s; "why he has been asleep now, six-and-twenty hours. We have been moving chests of drawers over his head, we have knocked double knocks at the street-door, we have made the servant-girl fall down stairs several times (she"s a light weight, and it don"t hurt her much,) but nothing wakes him."
"Perhaps a ladder," suggested d.i.c.k, "and getting in at the first-floor window--"
"But then there"s a door between; besides, the neighbours would be up in arms," said Bra.s.s.
"What do you say to getting on the roof of the house through the trap-door, and dropping down the chimney?" suggested d.i.c.k.
"That would be an excellent plan," said Bra.s.s, "if anybody would be--"
and here he looked very hard at Mr Swiveller--"would be kind, and friendly, and generous enough, to undertake it. I dare say it would not be anything like as disagreeable as one supposes."
d.i.c.k had made the suggestion, thinking that the duty might possibly fall within Miss Sally"s department. As he said nothing further, and declined taking the hint, Mr Bra.s.s was fain to propose that they should go up stairs together, and make a last effort to awaken the sleeper by some less violent means, which, if they failed on this last trial, must positively be succeeded by stronger measures. Mr Swiveller, a.s.senting, armed himself with his stool and the large ruler, and repaired with his employer to the scene of action, where Miss Bra.s.s was already ringing a hand-bell with all her might, and yet without producing the smallest effect upon their mysterious lodger.