He joined her at St. Bartholomew"s an hour later, and seeking her out, knelt beside her in the quiet, dim church, empty except for themselves.
She felt for his hand, and gripping it hard, whispered with downcast eyes and flushed cheeks:
"Austin, I have a confession to make."
"Of course, you have--I knew that from the moment I got your telegram.
Well, how bad is it?" he said, trying to make his voice sound as light as possible. But her courage had apparently failed her, for she did not answer, so at last he went on:
"You didn"t miss me much, at first, did you? When you thought of me I seemed a little--not much, of course, but quite an important little--out of focus on the only horizon that your own world sees. Well, I knew that was bound to happen, and that if you really cared for me as much as you thought you did at the farm, it was just as well that it should--for you"d soon find out how much your own horizon had broadened and beautified. Don"t blame yourself too much for that. I suppose the worst confession, however, is that something occurred to make you long, just a little, to have me with you again--just as you were glad to see me come into the room the last day our minister called. What was it?"
"Austin! How can you guess so much?"
"Because I care so much. Go on."
"People began to make love to me," she faltered, "and at first I did--like it. I--flirted just a little. Then--oh, Austin, don"t make me tell you!"
"I never imagined," he said grimly, "that Thomas and Mr. Jessup were the only men who would ever look at you twice. I suppose I"ve got to expect that men are going to _try_ to make love to you always--unless I lock you up where no one but me can see you, and that doesn"t seem very practical in this day and generation! But I don"t see any reason--if you love me--why you should _let_ them. You have certainly got to tell me, Sylvia."
"I will not, if you speak to me that way," she flashed back. "Why should I? You wouldn"t tell me all the foolish things you ever did!"
"Yes, Sylvia, I will," he said gravely, "as far as I can without incriminating anybody else--no man has a right to kiss--or do more than that--and tell, in such a way as to betray any woman--no matter what sort she is. Some of the things I"ve done wouldn"t be pleasant, either to say or to hear; for a man who is as hopeless as I was before you came to us is often weak enough to be perilously near being wicked. But if you wish to be told, you have every right to. And so have I a right to an answer to my question. No one knows better than I do that I"m not worthy of you in any way. But you must think I am or you wouldn"t marry me, and if you"re going to be my wife, you"ve got to help me to keep you--as sacred to me as you are now. Shall I tell first, or will you? A church is a wonderful place for a confession, you know, and it would be much better to have it behind us."
"You needn"t tell at all," she said, lifting her face and showing as she did so the tears rolling down her cheeks. "_Weak_! You"re as strong as steel! If all men were like you, there wouldn"t be anything for me to tell either. But they"re not. The night before I telegraphed you, an old friend brought me home after a dinner and theatre party. We had all had an awfully gay time, and--well, I think it was a little _too_ gay. This man wanted to marry me long ago, and I think, perhaps, I would have accepted him once--if he"d--had any money. But he didn"t then--he"s made a lot since. He began to pay me a good deal of attention again the instant I got back to New York, and I was glad to see him again, and--Of course, I ought to have told him about you right off, but some way, I didn"t. I always liked him a lot, and I enjoyed--just having him round again. I thought that if he began to show signs of--getting restive--I could tell him I was engaged, and that would put an end to it. But he didn"t show any signs--any _preliminary_ signs, I mean, the way men usually do. He simply--suddenly broke loose on the way home that night, and when I refused him, he said most dreadful things to me, and--"
"Took you in his arms by force, and kissed you, in spite of yourself."
Austin finished the sentence for her speaking very quietly.
"Oh, Austin, _please_ don"t look at me like that! I couldn"t help it!"
"Couldn"t help it! No, I suppose you struggled and fought and called him all kinds of hard names, and then you sent for me, expecting me to go to him and do the same. Well, I shan"t do anything of the sort. I think you were twice as much to blame as he was. And if you ever--let yourself in for such an experience again, I"ll never kiss you again--that"s perfectly certain."
"_Austin!_"
"Well, I mean it--just that. I don"t know much about society, but I know something about women. There are women who are just plain bad, and women who are harmless enough, and attractive, in a way, but so cheap and tawdry that they never attract very deeply or very long, and women who are good as gold, but who haven"t a particle of--allure--I don"t know how else to put it--Emily Brown"s one of them. Then there are women like you, who are fine, and pure, and--irresistibly lovely as well; who never do or say or even think anything that is indelicate, but whom no man can look at without--wanting--and who--consciously or unconsciously--I hope the latter--tempt him all the time. You apparently feel free to--play with fire--feeling sure you won"t get even scorched yourself, and not caring a rap whether any one else gets burnt; and then you"re awfully surprised and insulted and all that if the--the victim of the fire, in his first pain, turns on you. "Said dreadful things to you"--I should think he would have, poor devil! Perhaps young girls don"t realize; but a woman over twenty, especially if she"s been married, has only herself to blame if a man loses his head. Were you sweet and tender and--_aloof_, just because you were sick and disgusted and disillusioned, instead of because that was the real _you_--are you going to prove true to your mother"s training, after all, now that you"re happy and well and safe again? If you have shown me heaven--only to prove to me that it was a mirage--you might much better have left me in what I knew was h.e.l.l!"
He left her, so abruptly that she could not tell in which direction he had turned, nor at first believe that he had really gone. Then she knelt for what seemed to her like hours, the knowledge of the justice of all he had said growing clearer every minute, the grief that she had hurt him so growing more and more intolerable, the hopelessness of asking his forgiveness seeming greater and greater It did not occur to her to try to find him, or to expect that he would come back--she must stay there until she could control her tears, and then she must go home. A few women, taking advantage of the blessed custom which keeps nearly all Anglican and Roman churches open all day for rest, meditation, and prayer, came in, stayed a few minutes, and left again. At eleven o"clock there was a short service, the daily Morning Prayer, spa.r.s.ely attended. Sylvia knelt and stood, mechanically, with the other worshippers. Then suddenly, just before the benediction was p.r.o.nounced, Austin slid into the seat beside her, and groped for her hand. Neither spoke, nor could have spoken; indeed, there seemed no need of words between them. A very great love is usually too powerful to brook the interference of a question of forgiveness. The clergyman"s voice rose clear and comforting over them:
""The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of G.o.d, and the fellowship of the Holy Ghost, be with us all ever more. Amen.""
"Is there a flower-shop near here?" was the perfectly commonplace question Austin asked as they went down the church steps together into the spring sunshine.
"Yes, just a few steps away. Why?"
"I want to buy you some violets--the biggest bunch I can get."
"Aren"t you rather extravagant?"
"Not at all. The truth is, I"ve come into a large fortune!"
"Austin! What do you mean?"
He evaded her question, smiling, bought her an enormous bouquet, and then suggested that if her destination was not too far away they should walk.
She dismissed the smiling Andre, and walked beside Austin in silence for a few minutes hoping that he would explain without being asked again.
"Did you say you were going to Tiffany"s to buy furniture--I thought Tiffany"s was a jewelry store, and in the opposite direction?"
"It is. I"m going to the Tiffany Studios--quite a different place.
Austin--don"t tease me--do tell me what you mean?"
"Why? Surely you"re not marrying me for my money!"
"Good gracious, you plague like a little boy! Please!"
"Well, a great-aunt who lived in Seattle, and whom I haven"t seen in ten years, has died and left me all her property!"
"How much?"
"Mercy, Sylvia, how mercenary you are! Enough so you won"t have to buy my cigars and shoe-strings--aren"t you glad?"
"Of course, but I wish you"d stop fooling and tell me all about it."
"Well, I shan"t--if I did you"d make fun of me, because it would seem so small to you, and I want to be just as lavish and extravagant as I like with it all the time I"m in New York--you"ll have to let me "treat" now!
And just think! I"ll be able to pay my own expenses when I take that trip to Syracuse which you seem to think is going to complete my agricultural education. Peter"s going with me, and I imagine we"ll be a cheerful couple!"
"How are things going in that quarter?"
"Rather rapidly, I imagine. I"ve given father one warning, and I shan"t interfere again, bless their hearts! I caught him kissing her on the back stairs the other night, but I walked straight on and pretended not to see."
"Thereby earning their everlasting grat.i.tude, of course, poor babies!"
"How many years older than Edith are you?"
"Never mind, you saucy boy! Here we are--have you any suggestions you may not care to make before the clerks as to what kind of furniture I shall buy?"
"None at all. I want to see for myself how much sense you have in certain directions, and if I don"t like your selections, I warn you beforehand that the offending articles will be used for kindling wood."
"Do be careful what you say. They know me here."
"Careful what _I_ say! I shall be a regular wooden image. They"ll think I"m your second cousin from Minnesota, being shown the sights."
He did, indeed, display such stony indifference, and maintain such an expression of stolid stupidity, that Sylvia could hardly keep her face straight, and having chosen a big sofa and a rug for her living-room, and her dining-room table, she announced that she "would come in again" and graciously departed.
"I have a good mind to shake you!" she said as they went down the steps.
"I had no idea you were such a good actor--we"ll have to get up some dramatics when we get home. Did you like my selections?"
"Very much, as far as they went. Where are you going now--I see that your grinning Frenchman and upholstered palace on wheels are waiting for you again."
"Well, I can"t walk _all_ day--I"m going to Macy"s to buy kitchen-ware.
You"d better do something else--I"m afraid you"ll criticize my brooms and saucepans!"