"I"m sure."
"I thought we were having fun tonight. First you"re late. Now you"re being ..."
"Being what?"
"Whatever."
"Just forget about it," I say. The close mood of upstairs has disappeared. "I"m not really into ... this party."
"Rather be off with someone else? Sorry I"m not artistic artistic enough for you." enough for you."
"What? That"s not what I mean! Simon-?" He must be getting drunk. This came out of nowhere. "Excuse me? Did what happened upstairs just happen? It was so nice. I thought that was you up there. My ... boyfriend. The guy I like."
He stares straight at my eyes. "I thought so too."
I"m beginning to feel like we"ve gone off script. This is not a happy ending.
Mandy finds me a little while later, after I"ve escaped to the bathroom and then wandered out onto the back porch.
"Ready, chica?" chica?"
"So ready," I say.
We pa.s.s Simon on our way out, in the middle of the dance floor. Girls are dancing near him, but I don"t think any are really dancing with with him. I fight my way through the crowd and grab his shoulder. "Talk to you tomorrow!" I scream. him. I fight my way through the crowd and grab his shoulder. "Talk to you tomorrow!" I scream.
He nods but never stops dancing.
I spend Sunday on my own around the house, quiet.
What on earth happened last night? I can"t figure it out.
The phone doesn"t ring at all, and I barely get off the couch.
Is this life out of my coc.o.o.n? Is this what I wanted?
Chapter Eighteen.
I walk to school on Monday in a kind of daze. I feel the rain on me and I shiver somewhere deep into my middle, but I"m also on some other planet.
It"s like I"ve started to molt.
Out of my old skin, growing my new.
I left late this morning, to decrease my chances of running into Jewel again. We managed a conversation the other day, but if I talked to him now, I"d be weird. I"d be the girl who wants her best friend back. I"d be the dramatic girl in mourning over the loss of childhood. I"d be mute.
Simon"s at my locker.
I walk over, say nothing, and wham, he"s got me up against the row of metal.
When we come up for air, he says, "Sorry about Sat.u.r.day."
"Me too."
But I know it"s not all okay. Something won"t let me let him in.
I sit in Spanish cla.s.s with Simon, trying not to watch Jewel in his group with Vanessa.
I sneak a peek at Jewel and he"s looking out the window. I guess he"s watching the rain.
We used to joke about counting raindrops, trying to say the biggest numbers in our heads. Googolplexes.
After cla.s.s, Simon rushes out to a student council meeting. Vanessa goes to talk to Senora Rodriguez.
Jewel pa.s.ses me, keeping three desks away. I say, "Hey." I have to take this chance. If I fall apart, maybe he"ll put me back together.
"Hey," he says. He looks at me. Not past me. It"s like there"s a spotlight again. Like, big moment. Like we should have a billboard.
"Headed home?" I ask. Vanessa is just past his shoulder, but he doesn"t seem worried about her. He"s over here talking to me.
He nods and we fall into step together.
"Jewel," I say. We"re close to home, but I sit down on the wet curb.
He sits next to me and waits for me to go on. I do. "Remember the Charm of Hummingbirds show? Why do you think Simon stood with us? Instead of Corrigan and them?"
Jewel thinks for a minute. "I don"t pretend to understand the mind of the ma.s.ses, but if I had to guess, I"d say it"s because you"re gorgeous."
I blush.
Now if only I can stop the warmth on my body from Jewel calling me gorgeous. I smirk like he does, trying to hide a huge smile.
That night, my parents have people coming over for dinner. Dad"s cooking organic chicken with rosemary, and garlic mashed potatoes.
I help Mom set the table.
She"s humming as she brings out winegla.s.ses.
"Mom," I say. "We should invite Jewel and Brenda for Thanksgiving."
She puts down the gla.s.ses, smiles at me. "Sounds great."
She comes over and we hug. Just that connection comforts me.
The doorbell rings. The house fills quickly with company chatter as I get my dinner, eat on the porch, and go upstairs.
I lie in bed and look at my Dove Girl.
It"s time for things to even out, I think at her. I"ve been on a teeter-totter.
Simon, up. Jewel, down. Me, up. Vanessa, please stay down. Jewel, up. Would that make Simon go down? I mean descend.
I remember the game Jewel and I used to play as kids, at that park near school. The one where Simon and I went before the Bath.
We used to sit on the teeter-totter"s edges and then move forward until we had it balanced in midair. Gentle sway, both of us off the ground, floating. We"d put our feet in front of us and the only thing keeping us up would be that wooden board with chipped paint laid across a rusted metal bar. We could"ve spent whole days like that.
Simon"s big. If we got on a teeter-totter he"d hit the ground and I"d slide down right into him.
Chapter Nineteen.
Late for bio already, I stop in the bathroom by the gym.
Someone"s crying in a stall.
My first reaction is to head right back out the door.
I"m intruding.
But I"ve got to pee.
The girl flushes the toilet.
I head into a stall, do what I came in here to do.
Sitting there, I see boots walking toward the sinks.
Vanessa"s motorcycle boots.
I want to sit here all day, in the smelly gym bathroom, rather than face her.
But I can"t be late for bio.
What was she crying about?
I count to ten by Mississippis, waiting for her to wash up and get a move on.
I can still see her boots shuffling around near the sink.
I am officially late for bio.
I head out to the sinks.
For one moment I wish I could be as invisible as I used to feel.
Vanessa is leaning over one of the filthy sinks, applying eyeliner.
She flinches when she sees me coming up to wash my hands at the other sink.
"d.a.m.n allergies," she says. "My eyes water."
I give her a half-smile. "I hate when that happens."
"Yeah, well"-she caps her eyeliner-"it"s really none of your business."
She brushes by me.
The rumor mill at school is churning.
In the cafeteria Mike Corrigan shouts over at me, "Hey, Alice, your bud and Vanessa are over. I heard it from that Amber chick during trig."
Simon gives me a look.
"That"s interesting." My brain floods. When did this happen? And why?
I"m napping when my mom wakes me up. I smell beef stew cooking downstairs. I roll over and say, "Dinnertime!"
"Honey, Jewel"s here to see you."
It"s a good thing I just woke up. Otherwise, I"m sure my face would show that I feel like one of those cartoon Acme anvils has just been dropped on my head. I am Bugs Bunny befuddled.
"I"ll send him up," she says.
I sit, still covered in my blanket, and look at my Dove Girl. Help! Help!
He"s on my window seat, just looking at me. He doesn"t seem nervous at all. When he"s nervous, his eyes look behind you, not at you. Like at the troll that day. He studied the VW instead of looking at my eyes. He was mad and he didn"t know what to say and I"m sure his heart was like a hammer hitting a nail and hitting it and hitting it.
Now he"s different. Aside from looking at my eyes, he"s also got messy hair. For Jewel, messy hair is usually an art. He uses mousse, although he"d die of embarra.s.sment if people knew that. Today he"s frizzy.
Is he jumbled over Vanessa? Or what?
"Vanessa likes you, you know," he says. "She"s jealous of you sometimes."
This is the last thing I expected to hear. I think about it. Likes Likes me? She can be kind of mean to me sometimes, like when she almost dripped paint on my work that day in the studio. But I can see it, I guess. We"re too similar, really, to not like each other. Even if we might drive each other insane. me? She can be kind of mean to me sometimes, like when she almost dripped paint on my work that day in the studio. But I can see it, I guess. We"re too similar, really, to not like each other. Even if we might drive each other insane.
I look at Jewel. "She"s so out there."
"Because she"s insecure."