I was afraid to say I was, because I apprehended that, if I did, it might occur to him to put me through some still more frightful performance.
"Come," he said, "you won"t compel me to shed blood so early in the afternoon, will you? Up with you."
I got up, but, as I hung there, I tried to obtain a modification of some of the details. "I don"t think," I said artfully, "that I"ll put out my tongue--it"s rather overdone, eh? _Everybody_ is taken with his tongue out nowadays."
"It is true," he said, "but I am not well enough known in the profession yet to depart entirely from the conventional. Your tongue out as far as it will go, please."
"I shall have a rush of blood to the head, I know I shall," I protested.
"Look here," he said; "am I taking this photograph, or are you?"
There was no possible doubt, unfortunately, as to who was taking the photograph. I made one last remonstrance. "I put it to you as a sensible man," I began; but it is a waste of time to put anything to a raving lunatic as a sensible man. It is enough to say that he carried his point.
"I wish you could see the negative!" he said as he came back from his laboratory. "You were a little red in the face, but it will come out black, so it"s all right. That carte will be quite a novelty, I flatter myself."
I groaned. However, this was the end; I would get away now at all hazards, and tell the police that there was a dangerous maniac at large.
I got down from the mast with affected briskness. "Well," I said, "I mustn"t take advantage of your good nature any longer. I"m exceedingly obliged to you for the--the pains you have taken. You will send _all_ the photographs to this address, please?"
"Don"t go yet," he said. "Are you an equestrian, by the way?"
If I could only engage him in conversation I felt comparatively secure.
"Oh, I put in an appearance in the Row sometimes, in the season," I replied; "and, while I think of it," I added, with what I thought at the time was an inspiration, "if you will come with me now, I"ll show you my horse--you might take me on horseback, eh?" I did not possess any such animal, but I wanted to have that door unlocked.
"Take you on horseback?" he repeated. "That"s a good idea--I had rather thought of that myself."
"Then come along and bring your instrument," I said, "and you can take me at the stables; they"re close by."
"No need for that," he replied cheerfully. "I"ll find you a mount here."
And the wretched lunatic went behind the screen and wheeled out a small wooden quadruped covered with large round spots!
"She"s a strawberry roan," he said; "observe the strawberries. So, my beauty, quiet, then! Now settle yourself easily in the saddle, as if you were in the Row, with your face to the tail."
"Listen to me for one moment," I entreated tremulously. "I a.s.sure you that I am not in the habit of appearing in Rotten Row on a spotted wooden horse, nor does any one, I a.s.sure you--_any_ one mount a horse of any description with his face towards the crupper! If you take me like that, you will betray your ignorance--you will be laughed at!"
When people tell you it is possible to hoodwink the insane by any specious show of argument, don"t believe them; my own experience is that demented persons can be quite perversely logical when it suits their purpose.
"Pardon me," he said, "_you_ will be laughed at possibly--not I. I cannot be held responsible for the caprices of my clients. Mount, please; she"ll carry you perfectly."
"I will," I said, "if you"ll give me the revolver to hold. I--I should like to be done with a revolver."
"I shall be delighted to do you with a revolver," he said grimly, "but not yet; and if I lent you the weapon now, I could not answer for your being able to hold the horse as well--she has never been broken in to firearms. _I"ll_ hold the revolver. One--two--three."
I mounted; why had I not disregarded the expense and gone to Lenz and Kamerer? Lenz does not pose his customers by the aid of a revolver.
Kamerer, I was sure, would not put his patrons through these degrading tomfooleries.
He took more trouble over this than any of the others; I was photographed from the back, in front, and in profile; and if I escaped being made to appear abjectly ridiculous, it can only be owing to the tragic earnestness which the consciousness of my awful situation lent to my expression.
As he took the last I rolled off the horse, completely prostrated. "I think," I gasped faintly, "I would rather be shot at once--_without_ waiting to be taken in any other positions. I really am not equal to any more of this!" (He was quite capable, I felt, of photographing me in a perambulator, if it once occurred to him!)
"Compose yourself," he said soothingly, "I have obtained all I wanted. I shall not detain you much longer. Your life, I may remark, was never in any imminent danger, as this revolver is unloaded. I have now only to thank you for the readiness with which you have afforded me your co-operation, and to a.s.sure you that early copies of each of the photographs shall be forwarded for Miss Waverley"s inspection."
"Miss Waverley!" I exclaimed; "stay, how do _you_ know that name?"
"If I mistake not, it was her photograph that you kindly brought for my guidance. I ought to have mentioned, perhaps, that I once had the honour of being engaged to her--until you (no doubt from the highest motives) invested my little gift of song with a flavour of unromantic ridicule.
That ridicule I am now enabled to repay, with interest calculated up to the present date."
"So you are Iris"s poet!" I burst out, for, somehow, I had not completely identified him till that moment. "You scoundrel! do you think I shall allow you to circulate those atrocious caricatures with impunity? No, by heavens! my solicitor shall----"
"I rely upon the doc.u.ment you were kind enough to furnish," he said quietly. "I fear that any legal proceedings you may resort to will hardly avert the publicity you seem to fear. Allow me to unfasten the door. Good-bye; mind the step on the first landing. Might I beg you to recommend me amongst your friends?"
I went out without another word; he was mad, of course, or he would not have devised so outrageous a revenge for a fancied injury, but he was cunning enough to be my match. I knew too well that if I took any legal measures, he would contrive to shift the whole burden of lunacy upon _me_. I dared not court an inquiry for many reasons, and so I was compelled to pa.s.s over this unparalleled outrage in silence.
Iris made frequent inquiries after the promised photograph, and I had to parry them as well as I could--which was a mistake in judgment on my part, for one afternoon while I was actually sitting with her, a packet arrived addressed to Miss Waverley.
I did not suspect what it might contain until it was too late. She recognised that photographs were inside the wrappings, which she tore open with a cry of rapture--and then!
She had a short fainting fit when she saw the Gainsborough hat, and as soon as she revived, the extraordinary appearance I presented upside down on the mast sent her into violent hysterics. By the time she was in a condition to look at the equestrian portraits she had grown cold and hard as marble. "Go," she said, indicating the door, "I see I have been wasting my affection upon a vulgar and heartless buffoon!"
I went--for she would listen to no explanations; and indeed I doubt whether, even were she to come upon this statement, it would serve to restore my tarnished ideal in her estimation. But, though I have lost her, I am naturally anxious (as I said when I began) that the public should not be misled into drawing harsh conclusions from what, if left unexplained, may doubtless have a singular appearance.
It is true that, up to the present, I have not been able to learn that any of those fatal portraits have absolutely been exposed for sale, though I direct my trembling steps almost every day to Regent Street, and search the windows of the Stereoscopic Company with furtive and foreboding eyes, dreading to be confronted with presentments of myself--Bedell Gruncher, "Vitriol," the great critic!--lying across a chair in a state of collapse, sucking my thumb in a Gainsborough hat, or bestriding a ridiculous wooden horse with my face towards its tail!
But they cannot be long in coming out now; and my one hope is that these lines may appear in print in time to forestall the prejudice and scandal which are otherwise inevitable. At all events, now that the world is in possession of the real facts, I am ent.i.tled to hope that the treatment to which I have been subjected will excite the indignation and sympathy it deserves.
_PALEFACE AND REDSKIN_
A COMEDY-STORY FOR GIRLS AND BOYS
ACT THE FIRST
WHERE IS THE ENEMY?
It was a very hot afternoon, and Hazel, Hilary, and Cecily Jolliffe were sitting under the big cedar on the lawn at The Gables. Each had her racket by her side, and the tennis-court lay, smooth and inviting, close by; but they did not seem inclined to play just then, and there was something in the expression of all three which indicated a common grievance.
"Well," said Hazel, the eldest, who was nearly fourteen, "we need not have excited ourselves about the boys" holidays, if we had only known.
They don"t give us much of their society--why, we haven"t had one single game of cricket together yet!"
"And then to have the impudence to tell us that they didn"t care much about _our_ sort of cricket!" said Hilary, "when I can throw up every bit as far as Jack, and it takes Guy three overs to bowl me! It"s beastly cheek of them."
"_Hilary!_" cried Cecily, "what would mother say if she heard you talk like that?"