Then what?
Barney said, Ill live here. As a colonist. Ill work on my garden up top and whatever else they do. Build irrigation systems and like that. He felt tired and the nausea had not left him. Sorry, he said.
So am I, Leo said. And I dont understand it. He glanced at Anne Hawthorne, saw no answer there either, shrugged, then walked to the door. There he started to say something more but gave up; with Felix Blau he departed. Barney listened to the sound of them clanking up the steps to the mouth of the hovel and then finally the sound died away and there was silence. He went to the sink and got himself a gla.s.s of water.
After a time Anne said, I understand it.
Do you? The water tasted good; it washed away the last traces of Chew-Z.
Part of you has become Palmer Eldritch, she said. And part of him became you. Neither of you can ever become completely separated again; youll always be Youre out of your mind, he said, leaning with exhaustion against the sink, steadying himself; his legs were too weak, still.
Eldritch got what he wanted out of you, Anne said.
No, he said. Because I came back too soon. I would have had to be there another five or ten minutes. When Leo fires his second shot itll be Palmer Eldritch there in that ship, not me. And thats why there is no need for me to derange my brain metabolism in a hasty, crackpot scheme concocted out of desperation, he said to himself. The man will be dead soon enough or rather it will be.
I see, Anne said. And youre sure this glimpse of the future that you had during translation Its valid. Because he was not dependent on what had been available to him during his experience with the drug.
In addition he had his own precog ability.
And Palmer Eldritch knows its valid, too, he said. h.e.l.l do, is doing, everything possible to get out of it. But he wont. Cant. Or at least, he realized, its probable that he cant. But here was the essence of the future: interlaced possibilities. And long ago he had accepted this, learned how to deal with it; he intuitively knew which time-line to choose. By that he had held his job with Leo.
But because of this Leo wont pull strings for you, Anne said. He really wont get you back to Earth; he meant it. Dont you comprehend the seriousness of that? I could tell by the expression on his face; as long as he lives h.e.l.l never Earth, Barney said, Ive had. He too had meant what he had said, his antic.i.p.ations for his own life which lay ahead here on Mars.
If it was good enough for Palmer Eldritch it was good enough for him. Because Eldritch had lived many lives; there had been a vast, reliable wisdom contained within the substance of the man or creature, whatever it was. The fusion of himself with Eldritch during translation had left a mark on him, a brand for perpetuity: it was a form of absolute awareness. He wondered, then, if Eldritch had gotten anything back from him in exchange. Did I have something worth his knowing? he asked himself. Insights? Moods or memories or values?
Good question. The answer, he decided, was no. Our opponent, something admittedly ugly and foreign that entered one of our race like an ailment during the long voyage between Terra and Prox and yet it knew much more than I did about the meaning of our finite lives, here; it saw in perspective. From its centuries of vacant drifting as it waited for some kind of life form to pa.s.s by which it could grab and become maybe thats the source of its knowledge: not experience but unending solitary brooding. And in comparison I knewhad donenothing.
At the door of the compartment Norm and Fran Schein appeared. Hey, Mayerson; how was it? Whatd you think of Chew-Z the second time around? They entered, expectantly awaiting his answer.
Barney said, Itll never sell.
Disappointed, Norm said, That wasnt my reaction; I liked it, and a lot better than Can-D. Except He hesitated, frowned, and glanced at his wife with a worried expression. There was a creepy presence though, where I was; it sort of marred things. He explained, Naturally I was back Fran interrupted, Mr. Mayerson looks tired. You can give him the rest of the details later.
Eying Barney, Norm Schein said, Youre a strange bird, Barney. You came out of it the first time and s.n.a.t.c.hed this girls bindle, here, this Miss Hawthorne, and ran off and locked yourself in your compartment so you could take it, and now you say He shrugged philosophically. Well, maybe you just got too much in your craw all at once. You werent moderate, man. Me, I intend to try it again. Carefully, of course. Not like you. Rea.s.suring himself he said loudly, I mean it; I liked the stuff.
Except, Barney said, for the presence that was there with you.
I felt it, too, Fran said quietly. Im not going to try it again. Imafraid of it. Whatever it was. She shivered and moved closer to her husband; automatically, from long habit, he put his arm around her waist.
Barney said, Dont be afraid of it. Its just trying to live, like the rest of us are.
But it was so Fran began.
Anything that old, Barney said, would have to seem unpleasant to us. We have no conception of age to that dimension. That enormity.
You talk like you know what it was, Norm said.
I know, Barney thought. Because as Anne said, part of its here inside me. And it will, until it dies a few months from now, retain its portion of me incorporated within its own structure. So when Leo kills it, he realized, it will be a bad instant for me. I wonder how it will feel . .
That thing, he said, speaking to them all, especially to Norm Schein and his wife, has a name which youd recognize if I told it to you. Although it would never call itself that. Were the ones whove t.i.tled it. From experience, at a distance, over thousands of years. But sooner or later we were bound to be confronted by it. Without the distance. Or the years.
Anne Hawthorne said, You mean G.o.d.
It did not seem to him necessary to answer, beyond a slight nod.
But evil? Fran Schein whispered.
An aspect, Barney said. Our experience of it. Nothing more. Or didnt I make you see that already? he asked himself. Should I tell you how it tried to help me, in its own way? And yethow fettered it was, too, by the forces of fate, which seem to transcend all that live, including it as much as ourselves.
Gee whiz, Norm said, the corners of his mouth turning down in almost tearful disappointment; he looked, for a moment, like a cheated small boy.
THIRTEEN.
Later, when his legs had ceased collapsing under him, he took Anne Hawthorne to the surface and showed her the beginnings of his garden.
You know, Anne said, it takes courage to let people down.
You mean Leo? He knew what she meant; there was no dispute about what he had just now done to Leo and to Felix Blau and the whole P. P. Layouts and Can-D organization. Leos a grown man, he pointed out. h.e.l.l get over it. h.e.l.l recognize that he has to handle Eldritch himself and he will. And, he thought, the litigation against Eldritch would not have accomplished that much; my precog ability tells me that, too.
Beets, Anne said. She had seated herself on the fender of an autonomic tractor and was examining packages of seeds. I hate beets. So please dont plant any, even mutant ones that are green, tall, and skinny and taste like last years plastic doork.n.o.b.
Were you thinking, he said, of coming here to live?
No. Furtively, she inspected the homeostatic control box of the tractor, and picked at the frayed, partially incinerated insulation of one of its power cables. But I expect to have dinner with your group every once in a while; youre the closest neighbor we have. Such as you are.
Listen, he said, that decayed ruin that you inhabit He broke off. Ident.i.ty, he thought; Im already acquiring it in terms of this substandard communal dwelling that could use fifty years of constant, detailed repair work by experts. My hovel, he said to her, can lick your hovel. Any day of the week.
What about Sunday? Can you do it twice, then?
Sunday, he said, were not allowed to. We read the Scriptures.
Dont joke about it, Anne said quietly.
I wasnt. And he hadnt been, not at all.
What you said earlier about Palmer Eldritch Barney said, I only wanted to tell you one thing. Maybe two at the most. First, that heyou know what I refer toreally exists, really is there. Although not like weve thought and not like weve experienced him up to nownot like well perhaps ever be able to. And second He hesitated.
Say it.
He cant help us very much, Barney said. Some, maybe. But he stands with empty, open hands; he understands, he wants to help. He tries, but its just not that simple. Dont ask me why. Maybe even he doesnt know. Maybe it puzzles him, too. Even after all the time hes had to mull over it. And all the time h.e.l.l have later on, Barney thought, if he gets away from Leo Bulero. Human, one-of-us Leo. Does Leo know what hes up against? And if he did would he try anyhow, keep on with his schemes?
Leo would. A precog can see something thats foreordained.
Anne said, What met Eldritch and entered him, what were confronting, is a being superior to ourselves and as you say we cant judge it or make sense out of what it does or wants; its mysterious and beyond us. But I know youre wrong, Barney. Something which stands with empty, open hands is not G.o.d. Its a creature fashioned by something higher than itself, as we were; G.o.d wasnt fashioned and He isnt puzzled.
I felt, Barney said, about him a presence of the deity. It was there. Especially in that one moment, he thought, when Eldritch shoved me, tried to make me try.
Of course, Anne agreed. I thought you understood about that; Hes here inside each of us and in a higher life form such as were talking about He would certainly be even more manifest. Butlet me tell you my cat joke. Its very short and simple. A hostess is giving a dinner party and shes got a lovely five-pound T-bone steak sitting on the sideboard in the kitchen waiting to be cooked while she chats with the guests in the living roomhas a few drinks and whatnot. But then she excuses herself to go into the kitchen to cook the steakand its gone. And theres the family cat, in the corner, sedately washing its face.
The cat got the steak, Barney said.
Did it? The guests are called in; they argue about it. The steak is gone, all five pounds of it; there sits the cat, looking well-fed and cheerful. Weigh the cat, someone says. Theyve had a few drinks; it looks like a good idea. So they go into the bathroom and weigh the cat on the scales. It reads exactly five pounds. They all perceive this reading and one guest says, Okay, thats it. Theres the steak. Theyre satisfied that they know what happened, now; theyve got empirical proof. Then a qualm comes to one of them and he says, puzzled, But wheres the cat?
I heard that joke before, Barney said. And anyhow I dont see its application.
Anne said, That joke poses the finest distillation of the problem of ontology ever invented. If you ponder it long enough h.e.l.l, he said angrily, its five pounds of cat; its nonsensetheres no steak if the scale shows five pounds.
Remember the wine and the wafer, Anne said quietly.
He stared at her. The idea, for a moment, seemed to come through.
Yes, she said. The cat was not the steak. b.u.t.the cat might be a manifestation which the steak was taking at that moment. The key word happens to be is . Dont tell us, Barney, that whatever entered Palmer Eldritch is G.o.d, because you dont know that much about Him; no one can. But that living ent.i.ty from intersystem s.p.a.ce may, like us, be shaped in His image. A way He selected of showing Himself to us. If the map is not the territory, the pot is not the potter . So dont talk ontology, Barney; dont say is. She smiled at him hopefully, to see if he understood.
Someday, Barney said, we may worship at that monument. Not the deed by Leo Bulero, he thought; as admirable as it waswill be, more accuratelythat wont be our object. No, well all of us, as a culture, do as I already am tending toward: well invest it wanly, pitifully, with our conception of infinite powers. And well be right in a sense because those powers are there. But as Anne says, as to its actual nature I can see you want to be alone with your garden, Anne said. I think Ill start back to my hovel. Good luck. And, Barney She reached out, took him by the hand, and held onto him earnestly. Never grovel. G.o.d, or whatever superior being it is weve encounteredit wouldnt want that and even if it did you shouldnt do it. She leaned forward, kissed him, and then started off.
You think Im right? Barney called after her. Is there any point in trying to start a garden here? Or will we go the familiar way, too Dont ask me. Im no authority.
You just care about your spiritual salvation, he said savagely.
I dont even care about that any more, Anne said. Im terribly, terribly confused and everything upsets me, here. Listen. She walked back to him, her eyes dark and shaded, without light. When you grabbed me, to take that bindle of Chew-Z; you know what I saw? I mean actually saw , not just believed.
An artificial hand. And a distortion of my jaw. And my eyes Yes, she said tightly. The mechanical, slitted eyes. What did it mean?
Barney said, It meant that you were seeing into absolute reality. The essence beyond the mere appearance. In your terminology, he thought, what you saw is calledstigmata.
For an interval she regarded him. Thats the way you really are? she said, then, and drew away from him, with aversion manifest on her face. Why arent you what you seem? Youre not like that now. I dont understand. She added, tremulously, I wish I hadnt told that cat joke.
He said, I saw the same thing in you, dear. At that instant. You fought me off with fingers decidedly not those you were born with. And it could so easily slip into place again. The Presence abides with us, potentially if not actually.
Is it a curse? Anne asked. I mean, we have the account of an original curse of G.o.d; is it like that all over again?
You ought to be the one who knows; you remember what you saw. All three stigmatathe dead, artificial hand, the Jensen eyes, and the radically deranged jaw. Symbols of its inhabitation , he thought. In our midst. But not asked for. Not intentionally summoned. Andwe have no mediating sacraments through which to protect ourselves; we cant compel it, by our careful, time-honored, clever, painstaking rituals, to confine itself to specific elements such as bread and water or bread and wine. It is out in the open, ranging in every direction. It looks into our eyes; and it looks out of our eyes.
Its a price, Anne decided. That we must pay. For our desire to undergo that drug experience with that Chew-Z. Like the apple originally. Her tone was shockingly bitter.
Yes, he agreed, but I think I already paid it. Or came within a hair of paying it, he decided. That thing, which we know only in its Terran body, wanted to subst.i.tute me at the instant of its destruction; instead of G.o.d dying for man, as we once had, we facedfor a moment a superior thesuperior power asking us to perish for it .
Does that make it evil?he wondered. Do I believe the argument I gave Norm Schein? Well, it certainly makes it inferior to what came two thousand years before. It seems to be nothing more or less than the desire of, as Anne puts it, an out-of-dust created organism to perpetuate itself; we all have it, we all would like to see a goat or a lamb cut to pieces and incinerated instead of ourselves. Oblations have to be made. And we dont care to be them. In fact our entire lives are dedicated to that one principle. And so is its.
Goodbye, Anne said. Ill leave you alone; you can sit in the cab of that dredge and dig away to your hearts content. Maybe when I next see you, therell be a completed water-system installed here. She smiled once more at him, briefly, and then hiked off in the direction of her own hovel.
After a time he climbed the steps to the cab of the dredge which he had been using and started the creaky, sand-impregnated mechanism. It howled mournfully in protest. Happier, he decided, to remain asleep; this, for the machine, was the ear-splitting summons of the last trumpet, and the dredge was not yet ready.
He had scooped perhaps a half mile of irregular ditch, as yet void of water, when he discovered that an indigenous life form, a Martian something, was stalking him. At once he halted the dredge and peered into the glare of the cold Martian sun to make it out.
It looked a little like a lean, famished old grandmother on all fours and he realized that this was probably the jackal-creature which he had been warned repeatedly about. In any case, whatever it was, it obviously hadnt fed in days; it eyed him ravenously, while keeping its distanceand then, projected telepathically, its thoughts reached him. So he was right. This was it.
May I eat you? it asked. And panted, avidly slackjawed.
Christ no, Barney said. He fumbled about in the cab of the dredge for something to use as a weapon; his hands closed over a heavy wrench and he displayed it to the Martian predator, letting it speak for him; there lay a great message in the wrench and the way he gripped it.
Get down off that contraption, the Martian predator thought, in a mixture of hope and need. I cant reach you up there. The last was intended, certainly, to be a private thought, retained in camera, but somehow it had gotten projected, too. The creature had no finesse. Ill wait, it decided. He has to get down eventually.
Barney swung the dredge around and started it back in the direction of Chicken Pox Prospects. Groaning, it clanked at a maddeningly slow rate; it appeared to be failing with each yard. He had the intuition that it was not going to make it. Maybe the creatures right, he said to himself; it is possible Ill have to step down and face it.
Spared, he thought bitterly, by the enormously higher life form that entered Palmer Eldritch that showed up in our system from out thereand then eaten by this stunted beast. The termination of a long flight, he thought. A final arrival that even five minutes ago, despite my precog talent, I didnt antic.i.p.ate. Maybe I didnt want to as Dr. Smile, if he were here, would triumphantly bleat.
The dredge wheezed, bucked violently, and then, painfully contracting itself, curled up; its life flickered a moment and then it died to a stop.
For a time Barney sat in silence. Placed directly ahead of him the old-grandmother jackal Martian flesh-eater watched, never taking its eyes from him.
All right, Barney said. Here I come. He hopped from the cab of the dredge, flailing with the wrench.
The creature dashed at him.
Almost to him, five feet away, it suddenly squealed, veered, and ran past, not touching him. He spun, and watched it go. Unclean, it thought to itself; it halted at a safe distance and fearfully regarded him, tongue lolling. Youre an unclean thing, it informed him dismally.
Unclean, Barney thought. How? Why?
You just are, the predator answered. Look at yourself. I cant eat you; Id be sick. It remained where it was, drooping with disappointment andaversion. He had horrified it.
Maybe were all unclean to you, he said. All of us from Earth, alien to this world. Unfamiliar.
Just you, it told him flatly. Look at ugh!your right arm, your hand. Theres something intolerably wrong with you. How can you live with yourself? Cant you cleanse yourself some way?
He did not bother to look at his arm and hand; it was unnecessary.
Calmly, with all the dignity that he could manage, he walked on, over the loosely packed sand, toward his hovel.
That night, as he prepared to go to bed in the cramped bunk provided by his compartment at Chicken Pox Prospects, someone rapped on his closed door. Hey, Mayerson. Open up.
Putting on his robe he opened the door.
That trading ship is back, Norm Schein, excited, grabbing him by the lapel of his robe, declared. You know, from the Chew-Z people. You got any skins left? If so If they want to see me, Barney said, disengaging Norm Scheins grip from his robe, theyll have to come down here. You tell them that. He shut the door, then.
Norm loudly departed.
He seated himself at the table on which he ate his meals, got a packhis lastof Terran cigarettes from the drawer, and lit up; he sat smoking and meditating, hearing above and around his compartment the scampering noises of his fellow hovelists. Large-scale mice, he thought. Who have scented the bait.
The door to his compartment opened. He did not look up; he continued to stare down at the table surface, at the ashtray and matches and pack of Camels.
Mr. Mayerson.