"If John--John was asked to a beautiful party _he_ wouldn"t be afraid to go."
As soon as Michael"s under lip had stopped shaking his eyelids began.
You couldn"t stop your eyelids.
"It"s not _afraid_, exactly," he said.
"What is it, then?"
"It"s sort--sort of forgetting things."
"What things?"
"I don"t know, Mummy. I think--it"s pieces of me that I want to remember. At a party I can"t feel all of myself at once--like I do now."
She loved his strange thoughts as she loved his strange beauty, his reddish yellow hair, his light hazel eyes that were not hers and not Anthony"s.
"What will you do, sweetheart, all afternoon, without Nicky and Dorothy and Mary-Nanna?"
"I don"t want Nicky and Dorothy and Mary-Nanna. I want Myself. I want to play with Myself."
She thought: "Why shouldn"t he? What right have I to say these things to him and make him cry, and send him to stupid parties that he doesn"t want to go to? After all, he"s only a little boy."
She thought of Michael, who was seven, as if he were younger than Nicholas, who was only five.
Nicky was different. You could never tell what Michael would take it into his head to think. You could never tell what Nicky would take it into his head to do. There was no guile in Michael. But sometimes there was guile in Nicky. Frances was always on the look out for Nicky"s guile.
So when Michael remarked that Grannie and the Aunties would be there immediately and Nicky said, "Mummy, I think my ear is going to ache,"
her answer was--"You won"t have to stay more than a minute, darling."
For Nicky lived in perpetual fear that his Auntie Louie might kiss at him.
Dorothy saw her mother"s profound misapprehension and she hastened to put it right.
"It isn"t Auntie Louie, Mummy. His ear is really aching."
And still Frances went on smiling. She knew, and Nicky knew that, if a little boy could establish the fact of earache, he was absolved from all social and family obligations for as long as his affliction lasted. He wouldn"t have to stand still and pretend he liked it while he was being kissed at.
Frances kept her mouth shut when she smiled, as if she were trying not to. It was her upper lip that got the better of her. The fine, thin edges of it quivered and twitched and curled. You would have said the very down was sensitive to her thought"s secret and iniquitous play. Her smile mocked other people"s solemnities, her husband"s solemnity, and the solemnity (no doubt inherited) of her son Michael; it mocked the demureness and the gravity of her face.
She had brought her face close to Nicky"s; and it was as if her mouth had eyes in it to see if there were guile in him.
"Are you a little humbug?" she said.
Nicky loved his mother"s face. It never got excited or did silly things like other people"s faces. It never got red and shiny like Auntie Louie"s face, or hot and rough like Auntie Emmeline"s, or wet and mizzly like Auntie Edie"s. The softness and whiteness and dryness of his mother"s face were delightful to Nicky. So was her hair. It was cold, with a funny sort of coldness that made your fingers tingle when you touched it; and it smelt like the taste of Brazil nuts.
Frances saw the likeness of her smile quiver on Nicky"s upper lip. It broke and became Nicky"s smile that bared his little teeth and curled up the corners of his blue eyes. (His blue eyes and black brown hair were Anthony"s.) It wasn"t reasonable to suppose that Nicky had earache when he could smile like that.
"I"m afraid," she said, "you"re a little humbug. Run to the terrace and see if Grannie and the Aunties are coming."
He ran. It was half a child"s run and half a full-grown boy"s.
Then Mrs. Anthony addressed her daughter.
"Why did you say his ear"s aching when it isn"t?"
"Because," said Dorothy, "it _is_ aching."
She was polite and exquisite and obstinate, like Anthony.
"Nicky ought to know his own ear best. Go and tell him he"s not to stand on the top of the wall. And if they"re coming wave to them, to show you"re glad to see them."
"But--Mummy--I"m not."
She knew it was dreadful before she said it. But she had warded off reproof by nuzzling against her mother"s cheek as it tried to turn away from her. She saw her mother"s upper lip moving, twitching. The sensitive down stirred on it like a dark smudge, a dust that quivered.
Her own mouth, pushed forward, searching, the mouth of a nuzzling puppy, remained grave and tender. She was earnest and imperturbable in her truthfulness. "Whether you"re glad or not you must go," said Frances.
She meant to be obeyed.
Dorothy went. Her body was obedient. For as yet she had her mother"s body and her face, her blunted oval, the straight nose with the fine, tilted nostrils, her brown eyes, her solid hair, brown on the top and light underneath, and on the curve of the roll above her little ears.
Frances had watched the appearance of those details with an anxiety that would have surprised her if she had been aware of it. She wanted to see herself in the bodies of her sons and in the mind of her daughter. But Dorothy had her father"s mind. You couldn"t move it. What she had said once she stuck to for ever, like Anthony to his ash-tree. As if sticking to a thing for ever could make it right once. And Dorothy had formed the habit of actually being right, like Anthony, nine times out of ten.
Frances foresaw that this persistence, this unreasoning rect.i.tude, might, in time, become annoying in a daughter. There were moments when she was almost perturbed by the presence of this small, mysterious organism, mixed up of her body and her husband"s mind.
But in secret she admired her daughter"s candour, her downrightness and straightforwardness, her disdain of conventions and hypocrisies. Frances was not glad, she knew she was not glad, any more than Dorothy was glad, to see her mother and her sisters. She only pretended. In secret she was afraid of every moment she would have to live with them. She had lived with them too long. She foresaw what would happen this afternoon, how they would look, what they would say and do, and with what gestures. It would be like the telling, for the thirteenth time, of a dull story that you know every word of.
She thought she had sent them a kind message. But she knew she had only asked them to come early in order that they might go early and leave her to her happiness.
She went down to the terrace wall where Michael and Nicky and Dorothy were watching for them. She was impatient, and she thought that she wanted to see them coming. But she only wanted to see if they were coming early. It struck her that this was sad.
Small and distant, the four black figures moved on the slope under the Judges" Walk; four spots of black that crawled on the sallow gra.s.s and the yellow clay of the Heath.
"How little they look," Michael said.
Their littleness and their distance made them harmless, made them pathetic. Frances was sorry that she was not glad. That was the difference between her and Dorothy, that she was sorry and always would be sorry for not being what she ought to be; and Dorothy never would be sorry for being what she was. She seemed to be saying, already, in her clearness and hardness, "What I am I am, and you can"t change me." The utmost you could wring from her was that she couldn"t help it.
Frances"s sorrow was almost unbearable when the four women in black came nearer, when she saw them climbing the slope below the garden and the lane.
II
Grannie took a long time crossing the lawn from the door in the lane to the tree of Heaven.
She came first. Her daughters followed, forced to her slow pace, advancing with an air of imperfect cohesion, of not really belonging to each other, as if they had been strangers a.s.sociated by some accident.
It had grown on them in their efforts to carry off the embarra.s.sment of appearing as an eternal trio. Auntie Louie carried it off best. Sharp and rigid, Auntie Louie"s figure never lent itself to any group. But for her black gown she really might not have belonged.