He hovers inches over me, breathing hard. Then his mouth quirks into a crooked smile, a familiar smile, and he knocks his helmet playfully against mine.
"Miss me?"
The garden is silent except for the sound of my pulse.
Wesley leans across the stone bench and brings his lips featherlight against my temple. Then against my cheekbone. Against my jaw. A trail of kisses that makes me suck in a short breath, because the only time Wesley has ever kissed me-truly kissed me-he did it to read my memories. That was an angry kiss, forceful and firm. But these kisses are different. These kisses are cautious, hopeful.
"Wes," I warn.
His forehead comes to rest against my shoulder. "You sound like thunderstorms and heavy rain, did you know that?" He lets out a soft, low laugh. "I never liked bad weather. Not until I met you."
His voice has its usual easy charm, but now it"s also threaded through with longing.
"Say something, Mac."
Wesley"s body rests against mine. The combat padding acts as a buffer, and for a moment all I hear are the sounds of his breathing and my heart. How strange. It"s so...quiet. I"ve gotten used to the sound of Wesley"s noise-learned to float in it instead of drowning-but even the relative quiet of the familiar can never match this. His body on mine. Simple as skin.
My pulse quickens, and I have to remind myself that I pushed him away. I pushed him away. Now, looking up through Wes"s face mask into his eyes-his lashes darkened with sweat-I will myself to do it again.
"What are you doing here?" I hiss, trying to hide the hurt in my voice.
"This might not be the best time to-"
"Tell me."
He opens his mouth. "Mac-"
And then the whistle blows.
"All right, enough of that," calls the teacher. "Both of you, up."
Wesley closes his mouth but doesn"t move. I realize my hand is still hooked around his chest plate, holding him there. I let go quickly, and he winks before springing to his feet. He offers me his gloved hand, but I"m already standing. I tug my helmet off, smooth my hair, and scan the crowd of students that gathered while we fought.
They stare at me and seem...stunned. Confused. Impressed. But they stare. Great. More eyes.
"We"ll talk later," says Wes under his breath. "Promise." Before I can reply, he"s heading for the edge of the platform and tugging off his gear.
"Hey, wait," I call after him. He hops down, and I"m about to follow when the burly gym teacher bars my path.
"One of you has to stay on," he says as Wesley tosses his equipment into the pile. Cash slings an arm around his neck and says something I can"t hear. It sends both of them into laughter. Who is this boy? He looks so much and nothing like my Wesley.
"Normally it"s the winner," the teacher continues, "but truth be told, I"m not entirely sure who won that match."
I"m about to say that I don"t want to stay on, but Wesley is already weaving through the crowd, and the next student, a stocky junior, is hoisting himself onto the platform. I don"t want the teacher to think I"m beat after a single fight, so I sigh, readjust my helmet, and wait for the whistle as Wesley"s form vanishes from sight.
Wesley lifts his forehead from my shoulder and shifts his eyes to meet mine. "Please, say something."
But what can I say? That when Wesley touches me like this, I think of the way Owen forced me back against the Narrows wall, twisting my want into fear as he tightened his grip? That when I feel Wesley"s lips and my heart flutters, I think of him kissing me in the Coronado hall, reading me, and then pulling sharply away, eyes full of betrayal? That when I think of what I feel for him, I see him bleeding to death on the roof-and the pain that comes with caring about him is enough to stop me cold?
What I say instead is this: "Life is messy right now, Wes."
"Life is always messy," he says, meeting my gaze. "It"s supposed to be."
I sigh, trying to find the words. "Two months ago, I"d never met another Keeper. I didn"t have someone in my life I could talk to, let alone trust. And maybe it"s selfish, but I can"t bear the thought of losing you now."
"You"re not going to lose me, Mac."
"You walked away," I say softly.
His brow furrows. "What?"
"When you found out about Owen, you walked away. I know you don"t remember it, and I"m not blaming you-I know it was my fault for lying-but watching you go...I"ve been alone in this for so long, and I"ve always managed because I"ve never had anyone. But having you and losing you... For the first time, I felt alone, Wes. Having something and losing it, it"s so much crueler than never having had it."
Wesley looks down at his hands. "Does it make you wish we"d never met?"
"No. G.o.d, no. But what we have now is still new to me. The sharing, the trust. I"m not ready for more." I"ll just ruin it, I think.
"I understand." His voice is soft, soothing. He plants a light kiss on my shoulder, like a parting gift, and pulls away.
"It"s all new to me, too, remember?" he says a few minutes later. "I"d never met another Keeper before you. And having you in my life is terrifying and addictive, and I"m not going to lie and tell you it doesn"t make my heart race. It does." I wonder if he can feel my own pounding pulse through my noise as he tangles his fingers through mine. "But I"m here. No matter what happens with us, I"m here."
He lets go and slumps back into the corner of the bench. He doesn"t pick up the book, just tilts his head back and stares up at the clouds. Silence settles over us, heavier than usual.
"Are we good, Wes?" I ask.
"Yeah," he says, flashing a smile that"s almost strong enough to hide the lie. "We"re good."
By the time I finish showering, the locker room is mercifully empty, no prying eyes to watch as I loop the key back over my head, tucking it under my collar. My chest loosens as soon as the weight settles there. It feels wrong to be without it, even though this key isn"t really mine.
I"m tugging on my polo when I feel the scratch of letters like a pin through my shirt pocket. I dig my list out to find a name:
Harker Blane. 13.
But I"m nowhere near my territory-I don"t even know whose territory Hyde School falls in, or where the nearest Narrows door is hidden, and even if I could find it, my key wouldn"t work, since I"m not authorized to use it here-and I"ve got half a day of school to go, so Harker will have to sit tight. I don"t like to make Histories wait; the longer they do, the more they suffer, and the more dangerous they get. I will Harker to hold on and hope he doesn"t start to slip.
My stomach growls as I hoist my bag onto my shoulder and set out to find lunch.
Instead I find Wesley. At least, the newest version of him.
He"s sitting cross-legged on a stone bench halfway to the dining hall with a book in his lap. He looks like a stranger. He"s missing the black polish that usually graces his nails, his hair is swept neatly back, and he looks...elegant in his uniform, all black but for the gold thread tracing the edges.
I see him, but he doesn"t see me-not at first-and I can"t help but stare. Only his silver ring and the faint outline of his key beneath his polo mark him as the same guy I met this summer. It"s like he"s wearing a disguise, only it fits so well that I wonder if my Wesley-the one with spiked hair and lined eyes and that constant, mischievous smile-was the act. My stomach twists at the thought.
And then his eyes drift up from the book and settle on me, and something in him shifts again, and suddenly I see both of them at once: the affluent student and the edgy boy who likes to fight and fits his rock band noise so well. He"s still under there somewhere, my Wes, but I can"t help but wonder as he hops down from the sculpture and straightens, waiting for me to reach him: how many faces does Wesley Ayers have?
"I was hoping you"d come this way," he says, putting the book away and slinging his bag onto his shoulder.
"I don"t know any of the other ways."
"Come on," he says, tipping his head down the path. "I"ll show you."
We start walking toward the dining hall, but then we reach a split. Even though I can see the highly trafficked main building rising on our right, Wes veers left down a narrow, vacant path. Despite my rumbling stomach, I follow. I can"t stop looking at him, focusing and unfocusing my eyes to find both versions.
"Go ahead." He keeps his eyes on the path ahead. "Say it."
I swallow. "You look different."
He shrugs. "Hyde has a dress code. They discourage eccentricity, which is unfortunate since, as we both know, I"m quite a fan." He looks at me then, as intensely as I"m looking at him. "You look tired, Mac. Are you sleeping?"
I shrug. I don"t want to talk about it.
I mentioned my nightmares a while back, but when they didn"t go away I decided to stop talking about them. It"s bad enough having my parents coat me with their worry. The last thing I need is someone who knows the truth pitying me. And maybe Wes would have bad dreams, too, if he could remember that day; but he has a twenty-four-hour stretch of black in his mind and only my account and a scar from Owen"s knife to go on. I envy him until I remember that I wanted to remember. I chose.
"Is there anything I can do to help or-"
"How long have you been back?" I cut in. "Or did you even go away?"
His brow furrows. "I got in last night. Haven"t even had a chance to unpack, let alone come by and check on you. Or Jill. You been keeping an eye on the brat for me?"
I ignore his deflection. "Why didn"t you tell me you went to school here?"
He shoves his hands in his pockets and shrugs. "At first it was just a reflex. I didn"t know how to handle the fact that you were going to cross more than one of my paths, so I kept it to myself."
"I get that, Wes, I do." The Archive teaches us to break our lives into pieces and to keep those pieces secret, separate. "But what about later?" I ask, the words barely a whisper. "Is it because of what happened in the garden?"
"No," he says firmly. "It doesn"t have anything to do with that."
"Then why?" I snap. "You spent the last few weeks reading me books you already knew because you read them here last year. You watched me stress out about this place, and you never spoke up."
His mouth twitches playfully. "Would you believe me if I said I just wanted to surprise you?"
I give him a long, hard look. "Well, you succeeded. But I have a hard time believing you lied to me for weeks just to see the look on my face-"
"I didn"t lie," he says shortly. "You never asked me where I went."
The words. .h.i.t like a dull punch. I didn"t ask that specific question, he"s right. But only because Wesley never wants to talk about his life. It"s not that I don"t want to be a part of his; I"ve just grown used to him being a part of mine.
"I told myself," continues Wes, "that if you asked, I"d tell you. But you didn"t. You made an a.s.sumption, and I didn"t correct you."
"Why not?"
He pulls his hand from his pocket and runs it through his hair. It"s so strange to see it move through his fingers-soft, black, ungelled. I want to touch it myself, but I stifle the urge.
"I don"t know," he continues. "Maybe I thought if you knew I went here, you"d think differently of me."
"But why would I judge you for going here?" I ask, gesturing down to my uniform. "I go here, too."
"Yeah, but you hate it," he snaps, coming to a stop. "You don"t even know this place and you hate it. You"ve spent weeks dreading it, mocking it...." I cringe, regretting the time I decided to don a posh accent and do a dramatic reading of a few key pa.s.sages from the handbook. "But I grew up here. I didn"t choose it, and I can"t help it, but I did. And I was afraid you"d judge me if you knew." He laughs nervously, his eyes focused on the path instead. "Big surprise, Mac, I care what you think of me."
I feel the heat spreading across my face as he adds, "But I"m sorry. I knew you were stressed about Hyde, and I could have made it better and I didn"t. I should have told you."
And he should have. But I think of all the times I kept things from Wes in the beginning, either out of habit or fear, and how it took him nearly dying and the Archive stealing his memories for me to finally tell him the truth. I feel my anger diminishing.
"So you have a preppy schoolboy alter ego," I say. "Anything else you want to tell me?"
The relief that sweeps across his face is obvious-relief that we"re okay-but he doesn"t miss a beat. "I really hate eggplant."
"Seriously?" I ask.
"Seriously," he replies, bouncing a little on his toes. "But I also hate explaining that it"s because of the name and the fact that I grew up thinking it was a plant made of eggs, so instead I just tell people I"m allergic."
I laugh, and his smile broadens-and just like that, my Wesley is back. Doling out jokes and crooked grins, eyes glittering even without the makeup.
We start off again down the path.
"I"m happy you"re here," I say under my breath, but he doesn"t seem to hear me. I raise my voice, but instead of repeating myself, I simply ask, "Where are we going?"
He glances back and quirks a brow. "Isn"t it obvious?" he asks. "I"m leading you astray."
FIVE.