Ellis, amazed, exclaimed, "Can you mean, Madam,--can Lady Kendover mean--to propose my performing in public?"
"Precisely that. "Tis the only way in the world to settle the business, and conquer all parties."
"If so, Madam, they can never be conquered! for never, most certainly never, can I perform in public!"
"And why not? You"ll do vastly well, I dare say. Why should you be so timid? "Tis the best way to gain you admission into great houses; and if your performance is applauded, you"ll have as many scholars as you like; and you may be as impertinent as you will. Your humility, now, won"t make you half so many friends, as a set of airs and graces, then, will make you partizans."
"I am much obliged to you for a recommendation so powerful, Madam,"
answered Ellis, dryly; "but I must entreat you to pardon my inability to avail myself of it; and my frank declaration, that my objections to this plan are unsuperable."
Miss Arbe only treated this as an ignorant diffidence, scarcely worth even derision, till Ellis solemnly and positively repeated, that her resolution not to appear in public would be unalterable: she then became seriously offended, and, slightly wishing her good night, ran down stairs; without making any other answer to her enquiry, concerning the request in her note, than that she knew not what it meant, and could not stay another moment.
Ellis, now, was deeply disturbed. Her first impulse was to write to Lady Aurora, and implore her protection; but this wish was soon subdued by an invincible repugnance, to drawing so young a person into any clandestine correspondence.
Yet there was no one else to whom she could apply. Alas! she cried, how wretched a situation!--And yet,--compared with what it might have been!--Ah! let me dwell upon that contrast!--What, then, can make me miserable?
With revived vigour from this reflection, she resolved to a.s.sume courage to send in all her accounts, without waiting any longer for the precarious a.s.sistance of Miss Arbe. But what was to follow? When all difficulty should be over with respect to others, how was she to exist herself?
Music, though by no means her only accomplishment, was the only one which she dared flatter herself to possess with sufficient knowledge, for the arduous attempt of teaching what she had learnt. Even in this, she had been frequently embarra.s.sed; all she knew upon the subject had been acquired as a _diletante_, not studied as an artist; and though she was an elegant and truly superiour performer, she was nearly as deficient in the theoretical, as she was skilful in the practical part of the science of which she undertook to give lessons.
Wide is the difference between exhibiting that which we have attained only for that purpose, from the power of dispensing knowledge to others.
Where only what is chosen is produced; only what is practised is performed; where one favourite piece, however laboriously acquired, however exclusively finished, gains a character of excellence, that, for the current day, and with the current throng, disputes the prize of fame, even with the solid rights of professional candidates; the young and nearly ignorant disciple, may seem upon a par with the experienced and learned master. But to disseminate knowledge, by clearing that which is obscure, and explaining that which is difficult; to make what is hard appear easy, by giving facility to the execution of what is abstruse to the conception; to lighten the fatigue of practice, by the address of method; to shorten what requires study, by antic.i.p.ating its result; and, while demonstrating effects to expound their cause: by the rules of art, to hide the want of science; and to supply the dearth of genius, by divulging the secrets of embellishments;--these were labours that demanded not alone brilliant talents, which she amply possessed, but a fund of scientific knowledge, to which she formed no pretensions. Her modesty, however, aided her good sense, in confining her attempts at giving improvement within the limits of her ability; and rare indeed must have been her ill fortune, had a pupil fallen to her lot, sufficiently advanced to have surpa.s.sed her powers of instruction.
But this art, the favourite of her mind, and in which she had taste and talents to excel, must be now relinquished: and Drawing, in which she was also, though not equally, an adept, presented the same obstacles of recommendation for obtaining scholars, as music. Her theatrical abilities, though of the first cast, were useless; since from whatever demanded public representation, her mind revolted: and her original wish of procuring herself a safe and retired asylum, by becoming a governess to some young lady, was now more than ever remote from all chance of being gratified.
How few, she cried, how circ.u.mscribed, are the attainments of women! and how much fewer and more circ.u.mscribed still, are those which may, in their consequences, be useful as well as ornamental, to the higher, or educated cla.s.s! those through which, in the reverses of fortune, a FEMALE may reap benefit without abas.e.m.e.nt! those which, while preserving her from pecuniary distress, will not aggravate the hardships or sorrows of her changed condition, either by immediate humiliation, or by what, eventually, her connexions may consider as disgrace!
Thus situated, she could have recourse only to the dull, monotonous, and cheerless plan, from which Miss Arbe had turned her aside; that of offering her services to Miss Matson as a needle-woman.
Her first step, upon this resolution, was to send back the harp to the music-shop. Since no further hope remained of recovering her scholars, she would not pay her court to Miss Arbe at the expence of Miss Bydel.
She next dispatched her small accounts to Lady Kendover, Lady Arramede, Miss Sycamore, Miss Brinville, the Miss Crawleys, and Miss Tedman; but, notwithstanding her poverty, she desired to be allowed to have instructed Selina simply from motives of grat.i.tude.
To give up her large apartment, was her next determination; and she desired to speak with Miss Matson, to whom she made known her intention; soliciting, at the same time, some employment in needle-work.
This was a measure not more essential than disagreeable. "Mercy, Ma"am!"
Miss Matson cried, seating herself upon the sofa: "I hope, at least, you won"t leave my first floor before you pay me for it? And as to work,--what is the premium you mean to propose to me?"
Ellis answered that she could propose none: she desired only to receive and to return her work from day to day.
Looking at her, now, with an air extremely contemptuous, Miss Matson replied, that that was by no means her way; that all her young ladies came to her with handsome premiums; and that she had already eight or nine upon her list, more than she was able to admit into her shop.
Ellis, affrighted at the prospect before her, earnestly enquired whether Miss Matson would have the kindness to aid her in an application elsewhere, for some plain work.
"That, Ma"am, is one of the things the most difficult in the world to obtain. Such loads of young women are out of employ, that one"s quite teized for recommendations. Besides which, your being known to have run up so many debts in the town,--you"ll excuse me, Ma"am,--makes it not above half reputable to venture staking one"s credit--after all those droll things that Mr Riley, you know, Ma"am, said to Miss Bydel.--"
Ellis could bear no more: she promised to hasten her payment; and begged to be left alone.
CHAPTER x.x.x
Ellis had but just cast herself, in deep disturbance, upon a chair, when her door was opened, without tapping, or any previous ceremony, by Mr Giles Arbe; who smilingly enquired after her health, with the familiar kindness of an intimate old friend; but, receiving no immediate answer, gave her a nod, that said, don"t mind me; and, sitting down by her side, began talking to himself.
Roused by this interruption, she begged to know his commands.
He finished his speech to himself, before he took any notice of hers, and then, very good humouredly, asked what she wanted.
"May I hope," she cried, "that you have the goodness to bring me some answer to my note?"
"What note, my pretty lady?"
"That which you were so obliging as to undertake delivering for me to Miss Arbe?"
He stared and looked amazed, repeating, "Note?--what note?" but when, at last, she succeeded in making him recollect the circ.u.mstance, his countenance fell, and leaning against the back of his chair, while his stick, and a parcel which he held under his arm, dropt to the ground: "I am frighted to death," he cried, "for fear it"s that I tore last night, to light my little lamp!"
Then, emptying every thing out of his pockets; "I can soon tell, however," he continued, "because I put t"other half back, very carefully; determining to examine what it was in the morning; for I was surprised to find a folded note in my pocket: but I thought of it no more, afterwards, from that time to this."
Collecting, then, the fragments; "Here," he continued, "is what is left.--"
Ellis immediately recognized her hand-writing.
"I protest," cried he, in great confusion, "I have never above twice or thrice, perhaps, in my life, been more ashamed! And once was when I was so unfortunate as to burn a gentleman"s stick; a mighty curious sort of cane, that I was unluckily holding in my hand, just as the fire wanted stirring; and not much thinking, at that moment, by great ill luck, of what I was about, I poked it into the middle of the grate; and not a soul happened to take notice of it, any more than myself, till it made a prodigious crackling; and all that was not consumed split into splinters. I never was so out of countenance in my life. I could not make a single apology. So they all thought I did not mind it! Don"t you think so, too, now? For I am very sorry I tore your note, I a.s.sure you!"
Ellis readily accepted his excuse.
"Well, and another time," he continued, "I had a still worse accident. I was running after an ill-natured gnat, that had stung a lady, with my hand uplifted to knock him down, and, very unluckily, after he had led me a dance all over the room, he darted upon the lady"s cheek; and, in my hurry to crush him, I gave her such a smart slap of the face, that it made her quite angry. I was never so shocked since I was born. I ran away as fast as I could; for I had not a word to say for myself."
He then began relating a third instance; but Ellis interrupted him; and again desired to know his business.
"Good! true!" cried he, "you do well to put me in mind, for talking of one thing makes a man sometimes forget another. It"s what has happened to me before now. One i"n"t always upon one"s guard. I remember, once, my poor cousin was disappointed of a chaperon, to go with her to a ball, after being dressed out in all the best things that she had in the world, and looking better than ever she did before in her life, as she told me herself; and she asked me to run to a particular friend, to beg that she would accompany her, instead of the one that had failed her; so I set off, as fast as possible, for I saw that she was in a prodigious fidget; not much caring, I suppose, to be dizened out, and to put on her best looks, to be seen by n.o.body but her papa and me; which is natural enough, for her papa always thinks her pretty; and as to me, I don"t doubt but she may be so neither; though I never happened to take much notice of it."
"Well, Sir, to our business?" cried Ellis.
"Well, when I arrived at this friend of my cousin"s, I met there a friend of my own, and one that I had not seen for fifteen years. I had so prodigious much to say to him, that it put all my poor cousin"s fine clothes and best looks out of my head! and, I am quite ashamed to own it, but we never once ceased our confabulation, my old friend and I, till, to my great surprise, supper was brought upon the table! I was in extreme confusion, indeed, for, just then, somebody asked me how my cousin did; which made me recollect my commission. I told it, in all haste, to the lady, and begged, so urgently, that she would oblige my cousin, who would never forgive me for not delivering my message sooner, if I carried a refusal, that, at last, I persuaded her to comply; but I was so abashed by my forgetfulness, that I never thought of mentioning the ball. So that when she arrived, all in her common gear, my poor cousin, who supposed that she had only waited, for her hair-dressers and shoe-makers, looked at her with as much amazement as if she had never seen her before in her life. And the lady was prodigiously piqued not to be received better; so that they were upon the very point of a quarrel, when they discovered that all the fault was mine! But by the time that they came to that part, I was so out of countenance, you would have judged that I had done it all on purpose! I was frightened out of my wits: and I made off as fast as possible; and when I got to my own room, there was not a chair nor a table that I did not put against the door, for fear of their bursting the lock; they were both of them in such prodigious pa.s.sions, to know why I had served them so. And yet, the whole time, I was as innocent of it as you are; for I never once thought about either of them! never in my life!"
Again Ellis enquired what were his commands, frankly avowing, that she was too much engrossed by the melancholy state of her own affairs, to attend to any other.
"What, then, I"m afraid those poor people a"n"t paid yet?"
"A poorer person, Sir, as I believe, and hope," answered she, sighing, "than any amongst them, is unpaid also! They would not, else, have this claim upon your compa.s.sion."
"What, have you got any bad debts yourself?"
"Enquire, Sir, of Miss Arbe; and if you extend your benevolence to representing what is due to my creditors, it may urge her to consider what is due to me."
"Does any body owe you any money, then?"