As I look back upon all that time--across a gulf of fifteen active years--I find I see it with an understanding judgment. I see it as if it were the business of some one else--indeed of two other people--intimately known yet judged without pa.s.sion. I see now that this shock, this sudden immense disillusionment, did in real fact bring out a mind and soul in Marion; that for the first time she emerged from habits, timidities, imitations, phrases and a certain narrow will-impulse, and became a personality.
Her ruling motive at first was, I think, an indignant and outraged pride. This situation must end. She asked me categorically to give up Effie, and I, full of fresh and glowing memories, absolutely refused.
"It"s too late, Marion," I said. "It can"t be done like that."
"Then we can"t very well go on living together," she said. "Can we?"
"Very well," I deliberated "if you must have it so."
"Well, can we?"
"Can you stay in this house? I mean--if I go away?"
"I don"t know.... I don"t think I could."
"Then--what do you want?"
Slowly we worked our way from point to point, until at last the word "divorce" was before us.
"If we can"t live together we ought to be free," said Marion.
"I don"t know anything of divorce," I said--"if you mean that. I don"t know how it is done. I shall have to ask somebody--or look it up....
Perhaps, after all, it is the thing to do. We may as well face it."
We began to talk ourselves into a realisation of what our divergent futures might be. I came back on the evening of that day with my questions answered by a solicitor.
"We can"t as a matter of fact," I said, "get divorced as things are.
Apparently, so far as the law goes you"ve got to stand this sort of thing. It"s silly but that is the law. However, it"s easy to arrange a divorce. In addition to adultery there must be desertion or cruelty.
To establish cruelty I should have to strike you, or something of that sort, before witnesses. That"s impossible--but it"s simple to desert you legally. I have to go away from you; that"s all. I can go on sending you money--and you bring a suit, what is it?--for Rest.i.tution of Conjugal Rights. The Court orders me to return. I disobey. Then you can go on to divorce me. You get a Decree Nisi, and once more the Court tries to make me come back. If we don"t make it up within six months and if you don"t behave scandalously the Decree is made absolute. That"s the end of the fuss. That"s how one gets unmarried. It"s easier, you see, to marry than unmarry."
"And then--how do I live? What becomes of me?"
"You"ll have an income. They call it alimony. From a third to a half of my present income--more if you like--I don"t mind--three hundred a year, say. You"ve got your old people to keep and you"ll need all that."
"And then--then you"ll be free?"
"Both of us."
"And all this life you"ve hated"
I looked up at her wrung and bitter face. "I haven"t hated it," I lied, my voice near breaking with the pain of it all. "Have you?"
IX
The perplexing thing about life is the irresolvable complexity of reality, of things and relations alike. Nothing is simple. Every wrong done has a certain justice in it, and every good deed has dregs of evil.
As for us, young still, and still without self-knowledge, resounded a hundred discordant notes in the harsh angle of that shock. We were furiously angry with each other, tender with each other, callously selfish, generously self-sacrificing.
I remember Marion saying innumerable detached things that didn"t hang together one with another, that contradicted one another, that were, nevertheless, all in their places profoundly true and sincere. I see them now as so many vain experiments in her effort to apprehend the crumpled confusions of our complex moral landslide. Some I found irritating beyond measure. I answered her--sometimes quite abominably.
"Of course," she would say again and again, "my life has been a failure."
"I"ve besieged you for three years," I would retort "asking it not to be. You"ve done as you pleased. If I"ve turned away at last--"
Or again she would revive all the stresses before our marriage.
"How you must hate me! I made you wait. Well now--I suppose you have your revenge."
"REVENGE!" I echoed.
Then she would try over the aspects of our new separated lives.
"I ought to earn my own living," she would insist.
"I want to be quite independent. I"ve always hated London. Perhaps I shall try a poultry farm and bees. You won"t mind at first my being a burden. Afterwards--"
"We"ve settled all that," I said.
"I suppose you will hate me anyhow..."
There were times when she seemed to regard our separation with absolute complacency, when she would plan all sorts of freedoms and characteristic interests.
"I shall go out a lot with Smithie," she said.
And once she said an ugly thing that I did indeed hate her for that I cannot even now quite forgive her.
"Your aunt will rejoice at all this. She never cared for me..."
Into my memory of these pains and stresses comes the figure of Smithie, full-charged with emotion, so breathless in the presence of the horrid villain of the piece that she could make no articulate sounds. She had long tearful confidences with Marion, I know, sympathetic close clingings. There were moments when only absolute speechlessness prevented her giving me a stupendous "talking-to"--I could see it in her eye. The wrong things she would have said! And I recall, too, Mrs. Ramboat"s slow awakening to something in, the air, the growing expression of solicitude in her eye, only her well-trained fear of Marion keeping her from speech.
And at last through all this welter, like a thing fated and altogether beyond our control, parting came to Marion and me.
I hardened my heart, or I could not have gone. For at the last it came to Marion that she was parting from me for ever. That overbore all other things, had turned our last hour to anguish. She forgot for a time the prospect of moving into a new house, she forgot the outrage on her proprietorship and pride. For the first time in her life she really showed strong emotions in regard to me, for the first time, perhaps, they really came to her. She began to weep slow, reluctant tears. I came into her room, and found her asprawl on the bed, weeping.
"I didn"t know," she cried. "Oh! I didn"t understand!"
"I"ve been a fool. All my life is a wreck!
"I shall be alone!...MUTNEY! Mutney, don"t leave me! Oh! Mutney! I didn"t understand."
I had to harden my heart indeed, for it seemed to me at moments in those last hours together that at last, too late, the longed-for thing had happened and Marion had come alive. A new-born hunger for me lit her eyes.
"Don"t leave me!" she said, "don"t leave me!" She clung to me; she kissed me with tear-salt lips.
I was promised now and pledged, and I hardened my heart against this impossible dawn. Yet it seems to me that there were moments when it needed but a cry, but one word to have united us again for all our lives. Could we have united again? Would that pa.s.sage have enlightened us for ever or should we have fallen back in a week or so into the old estrangement, the old temperamental opposition?
Of that there is now no telling. Our own resolve carried us on our predestined way. We behaved more and more like separating lovers, parting inexorably, but all the preparations we had set going worked on like a machine, and we made no attempt to stop them. My trunks and boxes went to the station. I packed my bag with Marion standing before me. We were like children who had hurt each other horribly in sheer stupidity, who didn"t know now how to remedy it. We belonged to each other immensely--immensely. The cab came to the little iron gate.
"Good-bye!" I said.