"Not a problem," Lily said. She quickly moved to the swing and I marveled at how happy she was to be visiting her mistakes. I pulled on my headset, happy to tune it all out. I drifted into Lily"s Delve, a long hospital corridor awaiting me . . . welcoming me to her world.
a a a I no longer had to fake a stomachache. Witnessing the aftereffects of chemo was enough to make me sick. I wasn"t any closer to understanding why Lily was a Third Timer, but I"d discovered that I could live without knowing, if it meant that I didn"t have to watch her Delves. I pushed my headset out of the way and dashed past Oliver"s tree, very aware that he wasn"t calling out to stop me.
I gulped in the fresh air and wondered what the heck I was going to do until it was time to meet Trevor. Not that he was high on my list of people to have a rendezvous with. I pictured him rendezvousing with Julia and stomped on a tulip. I bit my lip as I looked under my boot. I was mean. I was a flower killer. I longed for Oliver in that moment. If I weren"t such a horrible person to start with, he would have been out here with me trying to convince me how I was good at heart. But he was nowhere in sight.
I choked back sobs, feeling more alone then I ever had at the Obmil. Only I could alienate a guy who loved me enough to die for me. I squished a little crocus, twisting the ball of my foot until it disappeared into a purple, pulpy mess. The flood of tears was blinding.
I heard voices in the distance and couldn"t bear for the lunch crowd to see me like this, surrounded by flower corpses. I took off at a run, searching for a place to get away. I needed to hide. As soon as the word "hide" jumped to the forefront of my brain, enormous boulders popped up all around me, making me feel like I was in a cavern or a rock maze. There was no exit behind me, so I shot through the narrow pa.s.sages, knowing that if I calmed down I could make this all disappear, but at the same time sickly fascinated to see what was really going on in my own mind. So I ran. A lot.
d.a.m.n. My breathing was ragged and sweat poured down my face. It was a dead end. I was full of nothing. No wonder everyone had jumped the Elliot ship. I was going nowhere. The only escape, besides going back, was a seam of light, hundreds of feet above. I didn"t want to go back. I just couldn"t turn around. I wasn"t calloused enough to keep returning for more. I just wanted out. I tipped my head and gasped when a pathetic, makeshift ladder stretched from the ground to the light above. I waved my fist at the sky, yelling out loud, not caring who heard. "Is this some kind of sick joke? Is this the best I can do? A c.r.a.ppy, rickety ladder for a girl who"s afraid of heights? It"s so obviousa"I don"t even like myself." I plopped down with my back against the ladder. If I loved me, wouldn"t I be able to create a better exit, or even an elevator? I was so sick of this. Screw it. I"d use the ladder.
I stood up, wiped the snot from my nose with the sleeve of my shirt. I no longer cared. It wasn"t like I had anybody to impress. I grabbed the wooden rungs, stared straight ahead, and scrambled upward. I went fast and furious and was doing fine until I got a splinter. Until I stopped and looked down. Saliva pooled in my mouth. I was going to fall. I wrapped my arms around the ladder and squinted against the vertigo. I needed to think one good, coherent thought. Focus on a way out, a way to safety. But my mind jumped all over the place like a gra.s.shopper. Very slowly, still not looking, I reached one foot down until I felt the rung below, solid under my foot. Methodically I repeated the same action over and over again until I felt a hard jolt of rock against my sole. I opened my eyes. Right next to my still shaking foot was the bud of a sunflower. I felt my toes twitching in my boot but didn"t think it would be wise to stomp out the only sunshine that I had left, even if it made me feel better. No sooner had I decided to let the little flower live, than another sprung up next to it. Then another and another. My eyes followed the thickening trail of sunflowers that were leading to an opening in the rock wall that hadn"t been there before. I wasn"t sure how or why, but I"d found my own kind of light to guide my way.
Out in the open field of flowers, I could feel the sun and see how every golden blossom faced the light. I tilted my own face in the same direction, trying to discover what it was that was making them contenta"complete. I felt the warmth on the bridge of my nose but it didn"t give me any answers. Very carefully, I thought about one smooth boulder, with all its sharp edges tumbled away with time. It rose out of the ground before me and I scrambled up and stretched out on top. I knew that if I stayed there long enough, the flowers would follow the path of the sun across the sky. It seemed like they knew what they were doing, and at least for a little while, I wanted to be part of that.
a a a I watched the sunflowers dance until the sky turned pink and orange and dusky. I wasn"t any smarter than I"d been before I sat down, but I was calmer at least.
When I walked into the dining room to grab something to eat, there were only a few stragglers left. My heart thumped involuntarily when I saw a flash of wavy blond hair, but any hopes I had that Oliver was worried about me were dashed when I realized that it wasn"t Oliver at all, but some woman who was kicking b.u.t.t in Scrabble. I hunched over my pasta and ate alone.
I thought about stopping up in my room for a little while before I was supposed to sneak out and meet Trevor back on the trail, but I didn"t want to run into Julia. Or not run into Julia and picture her with Trevor. I decided to curl up in a nook in the library instead.
I couldn"t make up my mind about whether I should even sneak out to see Trevor like we"d planned. I felt more than a little torn: different thoughts and feelings paraded through my head like they were on a high-speed conveyor belt, each giving me contradictory advice. When it was near midnight I decided to stop thinking about it and just go. Besides, all this hiding had made me lonely and it hurt to realize that no one had even missed me. Screw ita"I"d go. I could decide how I felt about it after I knew what the h.e.l.l was going on.
Keeping David in mind, I exited the Haven in the most bizarre path I could think of. After twenty minutes of duck and cover, my final escape was a very tight exit through the upper window in the kitchen pantry. I dared David to follow me now.
It wasn"t hard to stay quiet as I threaded through the woods and over to the trail. I just imagined several inches of pine needles underfoot to soundproof my steps. When I arrived at the spot where David had interrupted us, I could see Trevor casually leaning against a downed tree. It didn"t seem like Julia was with him, but I bit my lip and stayed in recon-mode for a little longer. I squinted, watching him carefully. Every time there was a noise he glanced. Finally I had to sneeze and I didn"t want to be discovered spying because I had pansy-a.s.s mucous membranes, so I pinched my nose and powered out into the open.
"Hey." His whole face lit up when he saw me, and like an idiot, I stopped and grinned at him like I was five and just discovered Santa in my living room. I was riddled with idiotic weakness.
"You made it. I was getting worried. Did you get out of Workshop this morning?" Trevor asked.
"Not exactly. After you left, Mel pointed out how food poisoning is incompatible with the afterlife."
"s.h.i.t. Guess I didn"t think that one through very well." He started to laugh but then stopped short. "You didn"t Delve without me, did you?"
I put a hand up to stop further questions. "No, I didn"t Delve. For whatever reason, she had Lily hit the chair instead of me." I thought about sharing some of the ugliness that I"d seen, but realized that in order to dump some of it on him, I would have to relive it. I decided it would be better to just not think about it.
"Oh, good. So it worked out."
"If that"s what you want to call ditching me for Julia. Then yes, it all worked out just fine," I snapped.
"What? Julia? Oh, you mean my decoy." He was way too calm, perhaps deliberately choosing to ignore my bad att.i.tude. I dialed it up a notch on the off chance he"d missed it the first time.
"Decoy? Is that what we"re calling it now?"
"Yeah, I told you we can"t be near each other and risk falling into another Delve in public. I figured keeping Julia around would also help keep David off our backs." He was like a puppy, all expectant and waiting for a biscuit.
I sighed and stared at him. Did I believe him, or was it that I wanted to believe him? He grabbed my fingers in his hand, and my heart blasted against my rib cage. He"d been holding my hand in the same way yesterday, but that time it had been a slow process of acclimation. This felt like jumping from an icy lake into a hot spring. I could barely breathe. All I could hear was a thundering rush in my ears. I braced myself for a Delve, but then realized foolishly that the noise wasn"t just my blood racing through my veins. There was a steady roar of water coming from higher on the trail.
"What"s that?" I shouted. "It sounds like a waterfall. I don"t remember there being a waterfall up here before."
"No idea," Trevor said.
"Come on, let"s check it out." I yanked at his hand, pulling him behind me before he could say a word.
The terrain was easy to navigate, and it was only a few minutes before we rounded a bend in the trail and stood face-to-face with a revolving waterwheel attached to a small wooden building. The cottage was set on a natural stone foundation, with old-fashioned windows and a wood shingled roof. It had a cozy, rustic feel.
"You doing this?" I asked, having witnessed what he could do with a pond.
"Yeah, I think it"s me."
"It"s beautiful."
He didn"t respond, but tugged me closer.
"Did you know you were creating this?" I asked gently.
"Not until the moment you asked me if I was."
"It makes me feel content," I said, pulling him with me as I settled down on a large, flat, moss-covered rock. I found myself unable to tear myself away from the revolving wheel and its hypnotic flow of water.
"There"s more to it than that," Trevor said, plopping down next to me, "but it does feel inviting."
"No, it feels safe," I said.
"Okay, I"ll give you that, but if it"s a piece of my subconscious poking through, doesn"t it concern you a little bit?"
"How could creating your own little safe haven be problematic?"
"It"s the waterwheel that worries me."
"The waterwheel? It"s so beautiful and peaceful the way it goes around and around," I said, swaying back and forth.
"Yeah, but it never gets anywhere. Feels a little bit like what"s going on in my head right now."
"I know how you feel," I said. "You don"t have a monopoly on dark moments, just stupid T-shirts." I thought that would make him smile, but his brow furrowed instead.
"Seriously," I said, and told him how I"d managed to alienate Oliver earlier, to hurt him in a completely different way; how this time he finally hated me; how the cherry on my sundae was that Mel was now giving me the cold shoulder too.
"I"m sure they don"t hate you." Trevor"s voice was calm.
"You weren"t there," I said, not sure how to explain how awful it had felt. It hurt too much to contemplate.
"Tell me what you"re thinking about. What do you believe is driving the waterwheel?" I asked, wanting to change the subject.
"You really want to get inside my head, Turner?"
I tipped my head to the side and rested it on his upper arm. "Yes."
I waited, knowing that he would tell me when he was ready.
20.
go with the flow.
I wouldn"t have known we"d entered a Delve except that the waterwheel disappeared. One minute it was there and then it was gone. Instead of sitting in the shade, surrounded by ferns and pines, I was perched high in the air with the sun making everything dazzlingly bright.
I attempted to turn my head, but my eyes stayed glued to the endless blue sky painted across my field of vision. This wasn"t my Delve, it was Trevor"s.
Without warning, my gaze shot downward to an immense river. I felt a wave of vertigo at the sudden movement. This was uncomfortable. I had no idea where we were and I could feel Trevor"s body tense up and my stomach roil as I peeked at the water below.
Just as I thought Trevor would tip over, he turned to look at me, the past-life version of me. The sight was shocking. She was glorious. She was sitting on the edge of a granite outcrop, feet dangling aimlessly over the abyss. Her arms were propped behind her, with her face turned up to the sun. Elliot"s eyes were closed and the sun lit up her hair with a warm caramel glow.
I was clearly watching a stranger, not the girl I thought of as myself. I started to sweat, watching her on the edge. A jittering ball of height-induced fear rolled around my stomach, yet this Elliot was in her element.
"So, this is what you do to relax?" There was a mixture of admiration and disbelief in Trevor"s voice.
Elliot turned to look at him and I drew in my breath.
"Yeah. This is what I do," she replied with a twitch in the corner of her mouth.
I felt myself wanting to lean toward this strange vision of myself, to discover this new unexpected version of me. Before this, I hadn"t discovered anything good about Elliot Turner I wanted to explore. The first memory of Oliver had been the start of a slippery slope, one negative thing after another.
"My dad brought me up here all the time when I was younger." Elliot turned back to stare out over the water, completely at ease sitting on the edge of the world. "The first time, I was nine years old. We brought along a little picnic. While we were sitting here, we watched an eagle soar on the wind."
"That must"ve been amazing."
"Oh, it was. I was perched in the same piece of sky where an eagle flew. It felt as if I was about as close to heaven as anyone could possibly get."
"Back to heaven in the clouds," Trevor said.
Elliot nodded and continued. "My dad and I would hike up here from time to time, but as I got older I found myself craving this place. So I started to come by myself when I needed to get away from the rest of the world."
Trevor panned the horizon. "It"s freakin" amazing. I can see why you come here."
He edged over to the side of the rock, peering down. My stomach did flip-flops in response.
What was she thinking, sitting up here like this? I was really beginning to question my own past-life sanity, yet I couldn"t argue with the look of contentment on her facea"on my face. What the h.e.l.l had happened to me? I used to love this and now I was chickens.h.i.t when it came to heights.
"The more time I spend up here, the more I find myself," said Elliot. "When I"m down on the ground walking around in my regular life, I can never see anything but the complications. When I"m up here, seeing the world from a different perspective, even the smallest things are meaningful and more interesting."
"How so?"
"Well, one day, when my eagle didn"t show up, I found myself captivated by the surface of the water. I couldn"t believe it. It appeared as if the river was moving in two different directions."
"Seriously?"
"I know. I thought it was some weird visual trick, but I researched it later and discovered that the Hudson is actually part river and part estuary."
"And that means . . . ?" Trevor asked.
"It means that my eyes weren"t actually playing tricks on me. The river can"t make up its mind."
I could hear my own laugh as Trevor"s focus stayed locked on the water below, probably searching for evidence of the odd behavior of the currents.
Elliot put on her very best flight attendant voice and waved her fingers like she was indicating floor lights. "This intriguing piece of information has been around for generations. The Algonquin people in the Hudson River Valley termed the Hudson estuary Mohicanituk, "The River That Flows Both Ways." Thank you for flying Elliot Air."
Her voice returned to its normal cadence. "Every time I come up here now, I flip around the concept in my head. It"s like a puzzle. I still can"t shake the feeling that there is some nugget of knowledge here." She gave a sigh. "In all seriousness, if I could just get more than a fleeting glimpse of it, I know I"d understand something significant."
Elliot threw up her arms. "But as you can see, I"m still chasing enlightenment." She said it with humor and maybe the faintest longing for something more.
"So, enough about me. We now know that I hike, perch on cliffs, bird watch, and get philosophical for relaxation. What do you do, Lowry? Because you"re obviously not super comfortable with heights."
Elliot winked at Trevor and I ever so softly returned to the waterwheel, where everything moved in only one direction over and over again.
a a a "So, you don"t want to tell me what you do to unwind? Seems suspicious," I said. He"d pulled us out of his Delve just before he was going to impart some personal information. Apparently, I wasn"t the only one who avoided things.
"I would tell you right now if the me sitting next to you could remember." He tapped his index finger against his temple. "Delving is getting easier though, isn"t it?"
"Yeah." I nodded back.
"So where are we going, Elliot?" He searched my face for answers.
"You mean what"s out there for us after this? I don"t know any more than you." My insides twisted around. "Heaven, h.e.l.l, a different limbo?" There had to be more Obmils in existence than this one. It wasn"t like the whole deceased population of the world was here. I"d have to ask Mel if she knew. Maybe she and the other guides got some kind of special training before they came to the afterlife. Maybe she knew if souls were grouped by need or if everything was completely random.
"I just meant where are we going now." Trevor raised his eyebrow at me. "You couldn"t have been headed here, I just created it. Besides, you seemed like you were climbing this mountain with intent. You do remember yesterday when you dragged me out of your room and halfway up here before David sidetracked us? Call me curious."
I stared at him, mouth half open. "Oh."
He smiled.
"Oh, right," I repeated, getting up and dusting myself off. "The truth is, I didn"t really have a destination in mind. I just hoped that we might figure out how to come up with some answers."
He didn"t say anything so I continued. "I couldn"t Delve in front of everyone anymore either. I know that"s what we"re supposed to do, but everything is becoming too . . ."
"Personal," Trevor filled in.
"Private," I said at the same time.
Trevor got to his feet. "So you have no idea where we"re going?"