"Heaven and h.e.l.l, a state of mind? Is that what we"re agreeing to?" I asked, getting serious again.
"That"s the word floating around the cosmos," Trevor said.
"It makes sense, when you think about it," I said, "but what happens when you"re not thinking about it?"
"What do you mean?"
"A life experience is designed to help a soul grow, to learn. It"s a role-play without you knowing you"re playing a role. When you"re in a life, it"s almost impossible to internalize that all events happen perfectly, no matter how imperfect they feel at the time."
"So you think there"s no free choice? That doesn"t feel right to me. I made a ton of choices, some good and some bad. I had to live with the consequences, remember?" Trevor said.
"Imagine that the premise is wrong. What if there is endless free choice and not a single choice is right or wrong? Could every choice be a possibility? What if every option feels good or bad based only on our perception of it? Or if all the *rules" aren"t really rules? What would happen if just being in the moment was an option?"
I knew I was onto something, because he ran his fingers through his hair.
I took it a step further. "The moment I killed Oliver was the moment I discovered h.e.l.l on earth, but what would"ve happened if I hadn"t let it be a h.e.l.l?"
"I don"t know if that"s possible, Elliot. How can you not be traumatized by that kind of thing?"
"I"m not talking about eliminating the emotional turmoil. That"s a big part of the learning. What I want to know is what would happen if"a"I struggled to find the right wordsa""we all did what you did?"
"What did I do?"
"There was that moment, at Oliver"s grave, where you let it all go. I saw it in your eyes. From that point on, I wasn"t the Elliot who had done something bad. I was just Elliot, the girl who had the experience. You saw me."
"You mean, what if the judgments stopped?"
"What if we stopped reacting to everything as if fear was G.o.d?" It was right at that moment that the elastic band of my spiritual consciousness snapped. I wasn"t capable of reaching out any further into the unknown. I was back to a more realistic state of enlightenment.
"I think you might be right, but it"s hard to wrap my mind around it," Trevor said.
"My vision is obscured by all that smoke coming out of your ears," I teased.
"Enough talk."
He took a step closer, pushing me back up against his truck.
"There will be no Delves, no sudden movements that require medical attention. There will be no misinterpreted conversations resulting in someone stalking off in anger." He towered over me, arms braced against the side of his truck, his mouth inches from my ear. "There will be no rescuing Oliver and there will be no spiritually enlightening discussions."
"Uh-huh."
"I"m going to kiss you."
"I . . ."
He touched his finger to my lips. "And there will be no requests for the chocolate bar in the glove department."
My stomach growled. So embarra.s.sing.
"And there will be no beating me to the punch. I love you, Elliot."
His lips replaced his finger and I wound my arms around his neck, unable to get close enough.
"Trevor?"
He gave a low growl, reminding me of his long list of things I was not to do in this moment, but I couldn"t help ita"this had to be done.
"I love you, too."
He groaned loudly, but for once it was for all the right reasons.
34.
the be
present
As Trevor"s truck bounced toward the Haven, I saw a crowd of familiar people on the large front porch. Mel, Oliver, Freddie, and David were all gesticulating at each other.
Trevor slid Sally under a large oak tree on the side lawn and we both hopped out. I figured this might be my first test, to see if I could keep that heavenly feeling, even under stress. One look at David, spittle flying out of his mouth onto Mel, confirmed that I was nowhere near my goal of enlightenment.
"David, no one here is against you. We are not trying to get you transferred. What Freddie said was true. You don"t work here." Mel tried to keep her voice light, but her hands anch.o.r.ed on her hips told a different story.
Trevor shot me a wide-eyed look. I would have filled him in, but that whole kissing thing . . . I shrugged and took his hand. He was going to have to pick this up on the fly.
"You want me out of here so you can run the whole place by yourself." David had a defensive stance, but he squinted with determination.
"I don"t work here either!" Mel"s bangles slid from wrists to elbows as she threw up her hands. She scowled at Freddie. "I don"t know what else to say to him." She turned to stalk away when she saw Trevor and me coming up the steps of the porch.
I stepped forward. David stared at me and something ignited. The last time we"d met, I"d humiliated him. I should have known that his retreat would only last long enough for him to regroup.
As he powered toward me, ready to put me in my place, one word popped into my head: heaven.
"s.h.i.t," I said.
Trevor stepped up, ready to defend me. I put my hand on his forearm and shook my head.
"I"ve got this," I said.
Trevor seemed skeptical, but I caught Freddie out of the corner of my eye. Freddie held up his watch, pointed at it. I was back on the edge again, teetering between understanding and limbo.
"ELLIOT TURNER!" David was almost on me.
I focused in on Freddie"s face. He was mouthing the words be present.
The answer exploded inside my head. It was all so simple.
Be present.
Be present in the moment.
Be present in time.
Time is a present.
Be the moment.
Nothing before, nothing after . . . just be.
Be a present.
I met David"s eye and smiled. He glowered at me and suspicion poured off of him like cologne. I couldn"t blame him.
For the first time, instead of seeing all his repulsive characteristics, I saw his armor, his turtle sh.e.l.l. He was coated in protective layers. It dawned on me that living defensively isn"t really livinga"it"s simply surviving.
"David." I stared him straight in the face, realizing I didn"t even know the color of his eyes until now. They were a warm brown, not so different from mine. "I killed someone and I"ve been living with that for what feels like an eternity."
David stood stock-still. I couldn"t read him, which I took as a good sign.
"One of the worst things is remembering the look on the face of Oliver"s mom when she realized he was gone." I thought about David lying in his bed, more little boy than man, calling for his mother in his nightmares. I reached for his meaty hand. His ring and watch made it feel even heavier in my palm.
"My mom haunts me too. What I did ripped my parents apart, and before they even had a chance to recover, I died. I suspect they think I jumped and killed myself." I couldn"t keep the quiver out of my voice.
Trevor squeezed my shoulder.
I wanted to say more, but the tear that was softly sliding down David"s face took my breath away.
"I miss my mom too. I"m so sad." He choked out the words. That one tear turned into a flood.
Now I understood . . . surviving life simply wasn"t enough.
epilogue.
I sat on the wooden rocking chair, feet planted on the railing of the porch that overlooked the lake. I rocked back and forth, the breeze making a soft rustling in the autumn-hued leaves. I was musing about the effects of fall, a season that seemed to encompa.s.s both beginnings and endings at the same time.
I"d never seen the Obmil so stable: tranquil, even. Someone somewhere always had a patch or two of autumn, but the other seasons were equally present too. For the first time in my memory, everyone was on the same page, poised between the end of something old and the start of something new.
Julia"s letter was in my lap. I"d read it a dozen times. It had been on my pillow, folded in the shape of a giant paper crane and surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of little cranes. I counted thema"nine hundred and ninety-nine. At first I thought it was a sick joke until I realized that the last crane Julia had given me was in my pocket. One thousand paper cranes. It was a good sign.
I smoothed the folds of the letter and started reading. I wanted to memorize and internalize the words, so I would never again doubt someone I loved that much.
Dear Elliot, By the time you read this, I"ll be gone. My hope is that we"ve already fixed things between us, but I still owe you an apology. I"m not sure what drove me to need more; I only know that there was more need and I couldn"t seem to find a way to fill it. I was trying to search my soul, and every time I looked, all I could see was you.
Remember our last stop at the Basin, where you wanted me to be your Pa.s.senger and I refused? I think you now realize that it wasn"t because I didn"t want to do that for you, it was because I wanted you to do that for me. But I didn"t know how to ask. If I was your Pa.s.senger, then who would be mine after you"d figured out the growth plan for your soul, the purpose of your life? I was afraid that you"d move on without me, so I thought it might be better to leave you first.
It was a stupid mistake. I realize now that, like heaven and h.e.l.l, invisibility is a choice too. I chose to never be seen and to never be heard. Then I blamed you for that. I also blamed my mother in my last life. She was strong-willed and abusive, and even if I"d stood up to her, it might not have changed anything. She would have worked even harder to dominate me. But it doesn"t matter whether I would have won that fight. In the end I didn"t even try to fly free. Instead I starved myself until no one could see me. I used anorexia to help me disappear, and I had the odd satisfaction of finally controlling something in the process. It felt good in the moment, but I starved my soul the same way I starved my body.
When I arrived at the Obmil for the third time, a failure once again, something snapped. All I could think about was breaking habits and changing patterns. I didn"t want to be stuck and invisible anymore. I wanted more than what was on the surface. Determined to make sweeping change, I turned everything upside down. I wasn"t going to leave any stone unturned. It all had to change: even you.
I now know that like Dorothy and her ruby slippers, I had the power all along. I just needed to look inside.
There are lots of things I did that hurt youa"like kissing Trevor. We were both so needy. I just want you to know, it was never like that with us. There was a connection, and I suspect maybe it was because we"d both been suicides. Taking your own life, quickly or slowly, leaves a bruise. We recognized that, even though we weren"t sure what made us so protective of each other. And, of course, we both loved you. He"s got a good heart. You"re perfect for each other.
There are worse things I want to regret about what happened between us, but I"m not going to do it. Part of being visible is showing the bad along with the good and trusting that the people who love you will still love you after they"ve seen it all. No more regrets.
I"m already starting to feel the pull. My time here is over and I can"t stop myself from needing to go. How do I explain it so you"ll understand?
I"ve always felt dominated. It"s been my issue, but I"m learning that the things that challenge us have a purpose. I"ve been controlled and now I"ve finally discovered how to be in control, but I"ve never lost control. I"ve never trusted my instincts, abandoned my head, and followed my heart. I"ve never stepped foot into that place between falling and flying. My gut tells me that we don"t soar in a straight line. Like your eagles, we fly in gorgeous loops. Sometimes it will appear like I"m flying out ahead of you, too far to reach. But all it takes is one small change in perspective and then I"m following you instead. We"re a circle, you and Ia"no, better yet, we"re a Mobius strip. One side, one edgea"and if you try to separate us, cut us into two, we don"t fall apart, we simply make a bigger version of what we already are.
I have faith that the time I"ve spent with you has only touched the surface. I"ll see you soon.
Love~ Julia I clutched the note to my heart and turned my attention to Sally, now parked in the front driveway. David was helping pack Oliver"s favorite tools in a container in the truck"s bed, and Freddie was checking the oil under the hood. The very act of it was just sillya"neither Oliver"s tools nor Sally would be traveling far, since objects don"t transfer across time and s.p.a.ce.
I fingered my eagle charm, knowing that it, too, would disappear when I moved on to the next leg of my journey, at the Basin. It was daunting to know that I"d acquired so much here, and, like my talisman, all I would eventually have left would be an echo of what I"d learned. I wasn"t even sure if I would have the people I loved. Julia was sure, so maybe she was right to go first. I could ride in her tailwind.
I rocked faster. It didn"t make sense that in my next life I would be forced to rediscover my old enlightenments and tack on an extra few for good measure.
"Now you can see why I stayed here so longa"too long," Mel said as she slipped into the rocker next to me, her chair quickly matching my pace.
But I didn"t see. "Why did you stay here so long? You still haven"t told me, and it"s been weeks since we convinced David that he was really an out-of-work, middle-aged man in denial."
I couldn"t help but feel the greatest affection for him now. The change had been miraculous. It hadn"t been an easy transition. He had so many insecurities and emotional walls to breach, but like an abused animal, he had slowly begun to trust again.
"You did wonders with him," Mel commented, moving her gaze to David and Oliver joking around together in the back of Trevor"s truck.