Not a rhetorical question. Yanni left a long, deathly silence for his answer.
"What, ser?"
"Sounds like your own d.a.m.n craziness, to me, the same d.a.m.n sink you come back to like a stone falls down, down, that"s what it sounds like to me. Motivations and reward structures." that"s what it sounds like to me. Motivations and reward structures."
"I think I have a point."
"And you put it in writing." Yanni picked up the three-page memo and slid it into a slot at the edge of his desk. A red telltale flashed, and a soft hum meant even the ash had been scrambled. "That"s a favor, son. I"m not supposed to wipe doc.u.ments that bear on the Project. I just broke a regulation. As it happens-there are those of us who think you"re right on the mark with this. And I like one of your arguments. . . if you don"t mind my borrowing it for the upcoming staff meeting."
"Whatever you like. I"d just as soon you didn"t mention the source."
Yanni gave him a long slow look. "Sometimes you worry me."
"I haven"t got any ulterior motives. I don"t want want my name on it." my name on it."
Another long look. "Motivational psych. -You haven"t had had the Rubin data. Just the structures. I told you I"d keep you off real-time. But I"d like you to do something for me, son. A favor. A real favor. I"m going to dump all Rubin"s data on you. The whole pile." the Rubin data. Just the structures. I told you I"d keep you off real-time. But I"d like you to do something for me, son. A favor. A real favor. I"m going to dump all Rubin"s data on you. The whole pile."
"He"s, what, two?"
"Not the replicate. The original."
"Why?"
"I"m not going to tell you that."
"What do you want out of it?"
"I"m not going to tell you that either."
"I get the idea."
"All right." Yanni leaned on his elbows, hands locked in front of him. "You run the problem. I"ll tell you what I think about it."
"Is this an exercise?"
"I"m not going to tell you that."
"Dammit, Yanni-"
"You"re right about the kid. She"s smarter than those scores. You leave that in my lap. You take care of your work. I"ll take care of the Project. All right?"
x Uncle Denys took another helping of eggs. Ari picked at hers, mostly just moved them around, because breakfast upset her stomach.
"We could go out to eat tonight," uncle Denys said. "Would you like that?"
"No," she said. "I"m not hungry."
It was her ninth birthday. She just wanted to forget it was her birthday at all. She didn"t want to complain about her stomach, because then uncle Denys would call Dr. Ivanov, and that would mean another shot, and her head being all fuzzy.
"Is there anything you do do want?" uncle Denys said. want?" uncle Denys said.
I want maman, she thought, mad, mad until she felt like she could throw the dishes off the table and break everything. she thought, mad, mad until she felt like she could throw the dishes off the table and break everything.
But she didn"t.
"Ari, I know it"s a terrible time for you. There"s nothing I can do. I wish there were. Is there anything you"d like to do? Is there anything you want that I can get you?"
She thought. There was no good throwing an offer like that away. If you could get something, you got it, and you might be glad later. She had figured that out a long time ago.
"There is something I want for my birthday."
"What"s that, dear?"
She looked uncle Denys right in his eyes, her best wishing-look. "Horse."
Uncle Denys took in his breath, real quick. "Ari, sweet, -"
"You asked."
"I"d think a broken arm is enough. No. Absolutely not."
"I want Horse."
"Horse belongs to Reseune, Ari. You can"t just own own him." him."
"That"s what I want, anyway."
"No."
That hurt. She shoved her plate away, and got up from the table.
"Ari, I think a broken arm ought to do, don"t you?"
She felt like crying, and when she did that she went to her room. So she went that way.
"Ari," uncle Denys said, "I want to talk with you."
She looked back at him. "I don"t feel good. I"m going to bed."
"Come here."
She didn"t. She went to her hall and shut the door.
And went and cried like a baby, lying on her bed, till she got mad and threw Poo-thing across the room.
Then she felt like something had broken, because Poo-thing came from maman.
But he wasn"t real, anyway.
She heard somebody open the hall door, and then they opened hers. She figured it was uncle Denys, and she turned over and scowled; but it was Catlin and Florian, come to see what was the matter with her.
"Ser Denys wants you," Florian said in a hushed voice.
"Tell him go to h.e.l.l."
Florian looked distressed. But he would go do that and he would get in a lot of trouble for her, she knew he would.
"Yes, sera."
"No," she said, and wiped her eyes and got up. "I will." She wiped her eyes again and walked past him and Catlin, and went out to the living room.
It was a mistake to walk out on uncle Denys. When she did that, she let him Work her, her, and now she was having to walk back into the living room he owned and be nice. and now she was having to walk back into the living room he owned and be nice.
Stupid, stupid, she told herself, and unraveled her mad and got a nicer expression on her face when she went to uncle Denys. Denys was in the dining room having his coffee and he pretended not to notice her for a second. she told herself, and unraveled her mad and got a nicer expression on her face when she went to uncle Denys. Denys was in the dining room having his coffee and he pretended not to notice her for a second.
That was Working, too.
"I"m sorry, uncle Denys."
He looked at her then, took a quick sip of coffee, and said: "I did have a surprise planned for you today," he said. "Do you want some more orange juice?"
She moped over to the chair and climbed into it, hugging her cast with her good hand. "Florian and Catlin too," she said.
"Seely," uncle Denys said. And Seely came and got two more gla.s.ses and poured orange juice as Florian and Catlin quietly settled down across the table.
"Nelly"s in hospital again," uncle Denys said. "Ari, you know it hurts her when you put her out and call somebody else."
"Well, I can"t help it. Nelly fusses."
"Nelly doesn"t know what to do with you anymore. I think it might be a good idea to let Nelly go work down in the Town, in the nursery. You think about that. But that"s for you to decide."
She could not lose maman and Nelly in one week. Even if Nelly drove her crazy. She looked at the table and tried not to think about that.
"You think about it," uncle Denys said. "Nelly"s the happiest when she has a baby to take care of. And you"re not a baby. So you"re making her unhappy-especially when you give her orders. But you just think about it. It"s not like you couldn"t see Nelly again. Otherwise she"s going to have to take tape to re-train her and she"ll have to do house management or something."
"What does Nelly want?"
"She wants you to be three years old. But that won"t work. So Nelly"s got to move or Nelly"s got to change."
"Can Nelly have a job down in the baby lab? And live here?"
"Yes, she could do that. It"s not really a bad idea." Uncle Denys set his cup down for Seely to pour more coffee, then stirred it. "If that"s what you want."
"I want want Horse." Horse."
Uncle Denys" brows came together. "Ari, you can"t have what"ll hurt you."
"Florian says there"s a baby."
"Ari, horses are big animals. n.o.body knows anything about riding them, not on Cyteen. We have them for research, not to play with."
"You could give me the baby one."
"G.o.d," uncle Denys said.
"Florian knows all about horses."
Uncle Denys looked at Florian and Florian went azi, all blank.
"No," uncle Denys said flatly. Then: "Let me talk to AG about it, Ari, all right? I don"t know about horses. When you grow a bit, maybe. When you show me you"re grown up enough not to sneak sneak down there and break your neck." down there and break your neck."
"That"s nasty."
"It"s true, isn"t it? You could have broken your neck. Or your back. Or your head. I don"t mind if you do things: you"ll fly a plane someday. You"ll do a lot of things. But for G.o.d"s sake, sake, Ari, you don"t sneak off and try to fly one of the jets, do you? You have to study. There"s no second chance when the ground"s coming at you. You have to know what can go wrong and how to deal with it, and you have to be big enough; and if you want to deal with a horse, you"d better be big enough to hold on to it, and you"d better show me you"re grown up enough to be smarter than the horse is." Ari, you don"t sneak off and try to fly one of the jets, do you? You have to study. There"s no second chance when the ground"s coming at you. You have to know what can go wrong and how to deal with it, and you have to be big enough; and if you want to deal with a horse, you"d better be big enough to hold on to it, and you"d better show me you"re grown up enough to be smarter than the horse is."
That was nasty too. But it was probably true.
"He surprised you," uncle Denys said, "because you didn"t know what you were doing. So I suggest you study about animals. They"re not machines. They think. And he thought: there"s some fool on my back. And he was bigger and he got rid of her. Figure that one out."
She frowned harder. It sounded too much like what had happened. Only uncle Denys had gotten down to a Maybe about giving her Horse. That was something.
"I needed a saddle and a bridle."
"All right. So how do you make the horse wear it, hmmn? Maybe you"d better do some advance study. Maybe you"d better look some things up in library. Maybe you"d better talk to some people who might know. Anyway, you prove to me you know what you"re doing and you prove to me you"re responsible. Then we"ll see about seeing about it."
That was halfway, anyway. For about two seconds she had forgotten how much she hurt, which threw her off for a moment when it all came back again, and she thought how she had been when maman went away to Fargone, and how she got over that.
It was awful to get over maman dying. But that was starting to happen. She felt it start. Like things were trying to go back the way they were, and uncle Denys was getting short with her and she was going to have to go back to cla.s.ses and everything was going to be the way it was again.
She felt sad about feeling better, which was stupid.
She wished she could have told maman about Horse.
And then she still wasn"t sure if maman had ever gotten her letters at all, no matter what they said, or if Ollie had. Thinking that made her throat swell up and the tears start, and she scrambled down from the table, ran for her hall and shut the door.
Then she stood there by Florian and Catlin"s room and cried and pounded her fist on the wall and kicked it, and went in their room and got some tissue to wipe her eyes and blow her nose.
They came in. And just stood there.
"I"m all right," she said. Which probably confused h.e.l.l out of them, maman would say.
"Ari," she heard uncle Denys calling her from the other room. The door was open. "Ari?"
She had given uncle Denys a hard morning. But that was all right, uncle Denys said; it was like getting well from something, sometimes you had aches and pains, and they got better, eventually. He wasn"t mad at her.
"I"ve talked to AG," uncle Denys said at lunch. "As soon as they can schedule a tank, they"re going to do a run for you."