"Shut up," I ground out, unable to stop myself from raising my voice. I"d never condone violence on a woman, even one who was severely p.i.s.sing me off. But right then, I was worried about what I would"ve done if my mother had been standing in the same room as me.
"Is that any way to talk to your mother? Although I don"t know why I"m surprised. You children never had manners-"
"Was that any way to talk to your son? Was that any way to talk about your daughter? I"m all for respecting my elders, but that s.h.i.t goes both ways. You don"t get to walk all over me and talk s.h.i.t and expect me to take it simply because you"re my mother."
She stayed blissfully silent for once. "It"s Ellie," I whispered. G.o.d, how I wished I could let her believe it was me.
"What"s Eleanor?"
"Ellie is pregnant."
She laughed. She f.u.c.king laughed. And I could almost imagine her bending over and wiping her eyes because that"s how f.u.c.king funny she seemed to find this. "Oh my," she said as it died down some. "Why didn"t I consider that? Of course it"s Eleanor. When"s she getting it taken care of?"
"Taken care of?" I repeated. It was unnecessary though, I f.u.c.king knew what she was asking, just like I knew that this phone call had been a terrible idea. But still, I needed to hear her say it. I needed absolute, one-hundred-and-ten percent proof that these people we called our parents were as toxic as they"d always been. If they couldn"t accept their grandchild, their innocent grandchild, simply because of his or her connection to Ellie or me, then I really was done with them. And I"d d.a.m.n sure find a way for Ellie to be too, once and for all.
"Oh G.o.d, she"s not keeping it, is she?" she asked in horror. And that was it. Somehow, with those eight words, she ceased to be my mother. I couldn"t in good conscience call her that ever again, and I knew our father would have a similar reaction, maybe even a few degrees worse.
"Of course she"s keeping her child. And she"s going to make a great mother. No thanks to you." I laughed, but it was the saddest f.u.c.king laugh in the world. "I never gave two s.h.i.ts what you thought about me. But there is no way in h.e.l.l I"ll listen to you spew that s.h.i.t about Ells." My voice broke a little on her nickname. "She is beautiful and she"s kind and somehow, despite everything, she looks at the world and sees all the good in it. You could walk through our front door right now and apologize, and she"d forgive you, no questions asked, because that"s the type of person she is. She"s amazing and it has nothing to do with you."
"Damien-" I pulled the phone away from my ear and hung up on her before she literally made me sick. I cannot afford a new phone. I cannot afford a new phone. I had to chant this as I struggled not to hurl my phone at the wall. My eyes were squeezed shut once more.
"I was wondering how to tell them." Her voice was soft and filled with pain. I opened my eyes to see hers rimmed red and silent tears coursing down her cheeks. "I know we agreed it wasn"t a good idea, but I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I still hoped..."
"I"m sorry," I croaked out. "Ellie-"
She cut me off as she strode forward and flung herself into my arms. "Thank you," she whispered.
"For what, sweet girl?" I asked as I affectionately rubbed her back.
"For saying all those wonderful things."
My heart broke at the amazement in her voice, like she couldn"t believe I actually felt that way. I pulled her back and looked her dead in the eye. "I meant every word. Every. f.u.c.king. Word. Okay, Ells?"
My sister gave me a watery smile. "Yeah." And for once, I actually felt she believed me. She scooted away from me and wrapped her arms around her knees, still looking a little sad. Maybe she was finally coming around and seeing our parents for who they truly were.
"I know I should have let you tell them but-"
"No, no, it"s okay," she rushed to a.s.sure me as she looked up. "I can"t imagine how much more painful it"d have been if I actually heard what she was saying. Your... your reactions were enough." She paused and took a deep breath. "I get it though."
"Get what?"
"Every time you told me that the things they said and did weren"t words or actions of parents who loved their children, I didn"t get it. But now..." She trailed off as she looked down at her slight baby b.u.mp, her gaze tender. "I get it now. Because I can"t imagine what this little guy could ever do that would make me not love him. He could come out with green skin, piercings and tattoos everywhere, wanting to work at Burger King for the rest of his life and I"d still love him."
"Seriously, Ells?" I shook my head in mock disgust as she looked up at me. "You"d let him work at Burger King? It"s like you have no loyalty whatsoever. McDonald"s is where it"s at."
Her smile stretched as her fingers flexed against her stomach. And somehow, despite the fact I had just spoken to my mother for the last time (if I had it my way it would be the last time) and all the problems we still had left to face, I knew we"d be okay.
"Guys suck," I mumbled around a mouthful of food. Sam and I were hanging out, waiting for Derek, Alara, Gabe, and Sherry to show up.
It was Sunday Funday, well actually it was Friday. But we had to move our weekly hangout around this weekend because Sam had plans on Sunday night and Derek insisted that it wouldn"t be the same without her. Sam had blushed when Derek announced the change last Sunday and she"d tried to tell us it was okay, but he wasn"t having any of it. I remembered narrowing my eyes on him and making a mental note to discuss it with him later, but then this sucky week happened and I completely forgot. Derek and I had slowly started talking more, it was still a little strained but it was easier when we were with the group.
"What are you talking about?" Looking over, I saw Sam lower her Kindle and turn to face me, concern written all over her face. "Naomi?" she asked with a gentle touch to my forearm. I shook my head.
"I"m fine. So-"
"Are you sure?" she pushed, opening her mouth to say more.
"What"s going on with you and my brother?" Her mouth snapped shut so fast it would have been comical if I wasn"t so nervous about her turning the conversation back on me. But I could tell by her deer-in-headlights expression that she was now worried about the spotlight I"d put on her.
Hmm... intrigue.
"Well?" I lifted my eyebrows. She blushed a little as she picked her e-reader back up.
"Nothing"s going on. We"re friends."
"So why did he make such a big deal about making sure you were here?"
She frowned for a second before laughing, almost making me wonder if I really saw her down-turned lips. "Probably because he knows what a friendless hermit I am and he feels sorry for me." I froze. I hadn"t even thought of that. Gabe had told us how withdrawn Sam became after their mother"s death, so we always tried to include her in our activities. I knew she appreciated it, and it was easy to do-she was an amazing person. But I also knew that wasn"t the reason my brother had been so insistent.
"Is that honestly what you think? He-"
I was cut off as Alara and Sherry barged in. Well, Sherry barged in, Alara followed behind her and gently shut the door. Alara and Sam started talking as Sherry focused on her phone. We were just waiting on the guys before we headed out for the night, choosing to go out for dinner and a movie instead of staying in, which was something we"d gravitated toward lately.
To look at all of us, we were a strange group. We all looked like we were headed opposite places because our styles were completely different.
Alara always looked laid-back and relaxed, usually in nothing fancier than jeans and a plain shirt or sweater, loose enough to show she had curves but tight enough so she wasn"t swimming in her clothes. Today she was wearing a tighter-fitting pair of black denim and a loose pastel-blue cable-knit sweater, topping it off with matte white flats. Her long, blonde hair was fixed in one of her signature over-the-shoulder braids, looking a little messier than normal.
I turned my attention to Gabe"s sister. Sam was the picture of elegance. I didn"t think a day went by where she wasn"t completely put together, and today was no different. She wore a three-quarter-sleeved black blazer, trimmed in a light cream color, over a plain black tank top. Sam kept her accessories simple: a single strand of pearls rested on her neck, a simple pearl stud in each ear, and subtle cream flats. Everything clear to see because she had her dark brown hair up in a sleek ponytail. The only thing that indicated she had "dressed down" was the dark wash jeans she wore in place of the black dress pants she usually wore.
Sherry"s style was more eclectic-she rotated between bohemian, cla.s.sy, preppy, and glamorous, sometimes even dabbling in rocker and exotic clothing. Today she wore a simple black and mint green maxi dress, with her dark red hair falling in soft curls past her chest.
And then there was me, in my body-hugging attire because my curves tended to get lost in anything else. I was wearing a green and blue sequined miniskirt, with a fitted dark-blue long-sleeve shirt tucked into it, a little of it pulled out and hanging over.
It was hard to believe we were all doing the same thing. Alara looked like she was going grocery shopping, Sam looked ready for a business meeting, Sherry was the embodiment of what you"d wear when going on a picnic, and I could easily fit in at a club. I kinda loved how different we all looked.
I had just finished piling my hair into a bun on the top of my head when a knock came at the front door. Sherry hollered for them to come in. Gabe nodded to his sister before walking to his girlfriend, while Derek lingered just inside the doorway as he tried to keep his eyes off Sam. He looked so nervous about being caught, as if looking at everyone and everything but her didn"t give him away.
Gabe and Alara didn"t notice because they were too wrapped up in each other. Sam was also clueless because she was watching her brother and my roommate with a kind of envy that made my heart hurt for her. And even though I had thought their crushes on each other were small and "cute," I was starting to wonder if it"d be such a bad thing for my brother and Sam to get together. They were both single and clearly into each other.
I looked over to see Sherry glancing between them before looking back at her phone, a small, secretive smile in place. What the h.e.l.l? Did she know something I didn"t? It was possible. Sherry and Derek had always been close. So close I used to think they were hooking up, but I could see a little clearer now that they were just very open with each other and had no problem making s.e.xually charged jokes at the other"s expense. I was pretty sure I fueled it by getting annoyed all the time.
My brother gave up and finally looked over at Sam. I saw his breath catch, and when she gazed over at him with a smile, he walked over to join her.
She was sitting straight up on the couch with her hands in her lap, tilted slightly in Derek"s direction, while he had one arm resting on his leg and the other-the one closet to Sam-bent and propped on the back of the couch. Occasionally his hand would twitch like he wanted to reach over and touch her.
I looked at my five friends and suddenly felt like I was missing out on a very big part of life. It had never bothered me before, the fact that I wasn"t in love with Caleb. But these past few weeks with Damien... even just a glimpse of what it could feel like made me realize how foolish I"d been. To think that life could be lived without love.
I could see it in all five of them. In Alara and Gabe as they looked at each other like there was nowhere else they"d rather be. In Derek and Sam, who looked at each other with the promise of what loving each other could bring. Even in Sherry, who clearly had been hurt, I could see she had no regrets. That whoever she loved, she loved with all her heart.
It hurt to think I"d settled for Caleb. It hurt to think I"d ever thought my relationship with Damien was casual. And it really hurt to think it might all be over.
I hung up for the fourth time. Naomi still wasn"t answering my calls. I groaned in frustration and dragged one hand down my face. It had been a little over a week and I still hadn"t spoken to her. Between work, Ellie, and her ignoring most of my texts and all of my calls, I wasn"t having much luck. But today I would make her talk to me.
"Hey." Ellie"s voice was quiet as she finished arranging the table and wiped her palms on her long dark gray dress. I smiled as I looked her over; she looked healthy and happy, even as she nervously fidgeted.
My smile disappeared as I thought about how we never really talked about the fight we"d had. I had two apologies to make, but I had only been focusing on one. Sighing, I dropped into the chair and picked up my fork.
"Ellie. You know, we never really resolved anything-"
"It"s okay," she said quickly. "Honestly. It"s forgotten. I just want to enjoy breakfast." I looked over to see her smiling, not a bit of it forced, so I let it go, knowing she"d prefer it.
"I bought some pregnancy magazines," she announced after a few minutes of silence.
"That"s really great. You excited for your appointment in a couple of days?"
She smiled. "Yup." It faltered slightly before she said, "I could only make it during the middle of the day. Do you think it"ll be okay?"
"Yeah, I already talked to Claire about it, she said no problem."
We had just finished eating and I was taking our plates to the sink, when Ellie called my name.
"Yeah?" I kept my gaze forward and began scrubbing our plates.
"I"m sorry." When I turned around, she was biting her lip and playing with the drawstrings that gathered in the middle of her dress.
With a furrowed brow, I asked, "For what?"
"That you and your new girlfriend are fighting." I froze and Ellie rushed to finish. "I know you"ve been trying to hide her..." She trailed off.
"It"s not because of you."
"So, why didn"t you want her to meet me?" she questioned softly.
Blowing out a hard breath, I stepped forward and squatted in front of her chair. "Because it"s complicated. She thinks we"re just sleeping together," I said, the words feeling like bitter ash in my mouth. "I thought it would freak her out if I tried to introduce you guys."
She raised an eyebrow. "You don"t just sleep with people. You don"t even date people."
"And now I remember why. It sucks sometimes," I grumbled.
"D..."
"Don"t worry. I"m not giving up, she just needs time." I placed a kiss on her cheek and stood up. I moved to turn back and finish the dishes, when her hand shot out and grabbed my wrist.
"I found a group," she rushed out.
"What?"
She was nodding rapidly as she stood up and a smile spread across her face. "Yeah. I found a support group. I already went to a meeting and I have a sponsor and everything." Ellie spoke quickly and for once, when her eyes flitted across my face to gauge my reaction, her smile didn"t immediately dim in preparation for disappointment.
I pulled her into a tight hug and lifted her off the ground. "That"s great." My voice sounded like I hadn"t used it in years. "I"m so proud of you."
"Thanks," she whispered. "I"m pretty proud of myself too."
And that"s all that matters.
We could make this work. We would make this work. I just had to make her talk to me first.
When I reached her door, I knocked three times before stepping back and crossing my arms. Thankfully, I didn"t have to wait long.
Naomi looked completely unaffected as she stood in the doorway. "What"s up?" she asked.
"I came to talk about what happened last week."
"Don"t worry about it. It doesn"t matter." I sighed, slightly exasperated and way out of my depth. It had been a long time since I let my emotions control me like I had the other day. As I struggled with what to say, she asked, "Are we done here?" Not even waiting for my answer, she moved to shut the door. But I gripped and forcefully shoved it open before stepping inside.
Throwing her a sharp glare, I said, "No. And I call bulls.h.i.t. Do not pretend you"re not mad at me."
"I"m not. I"m indifferent." Naomi straightened and pulled back her shoulders. I would have laughed if I wasn"t so annoyed. I slammed the door shut and stalked toward her, taking pleasure in the way her eyes briefly flickered with excitement. "Bull. s.h.i.t," I repeated before claiming her mouth. She froze for a moment and returned the kiss for two-point-seven seconds before ripping her mouth from mine.
"Get-"
"I"m sorry," I interrupted, sincerity dripping from my words as my eyes flickered between hers.
"How nice for you," she replied automatically, only to freeze when she really took in my words and the emotion behind them. Her mouth screwed up as she tried to decide how to play this. Whether she was going to forgive me or continue to pretend like she wasn"t affected, and when she pulled her shoulders back even more, I knew it was going to be the latter.
"Apology accepted. But like I said, it"s really no big deal. You were right, we were just having some fun. But I think it"d be a good idea if we stopped."
"I don"t want that. I-"
She laughed, cutting me off. And this time it was carefree and unaffected, such a contradiction to earlier that I could almost believe that was how she really felt if it weren"t for the hurt in her eyes. "I don"t know why you"re concerned. You could have anyone you want, couldn"t you?" she taunted as she raised an eyebrow.
"Naomi," I growled, working hard to stay calm. "I never said that."
"It was implied."
I counted to five before speaking. "The f.u.c.k it was. I wasn"t even thinking that. You know there"s been no one else. You know I don"t want anyone else."
She seemed a little defeated as her shoulders dropped and she walked around me toward the door. Naomi was still facing away from me as she opened it and said, "I know, okay? That was my own distorted thought. I believe you and I accept you"re sorry. But-"
"No buts," I said resolutely as I walked forward and spun her around. "Look..." I started evasively. "Something happened with Ellie that day and-"
"Oh G.o.d, is she okay? Is the baby okay?"
I blinked, surprised by her concern for my sister even though they"d never met. "Yeah, they"re both fine. It was nothing like that."
Naomi let out a breath of relief. "Okay, good." She smiled softly, but it quickly fell when she took in our intimate position. Naomi cleared her throat and slowly moved back until we were no longer touching. "Look, I get it. You were upset and it had nothing to do with me. You just used me as a metaphorical punching bag." I growled, more angry with myself than her words, because she was right. "But I"m really okay. We"re good," she said dismissively.