"I don"t want to be f.u.c.king good." I shook my head, trying to think of what to say to convince her. Suddenly a thought popped into my head. No, not a thought. A feeling. One she had to be feeling too. "This doesn"t feel like the end, does it?"
Her eyes appeared thoughtful and with a reluctant shake of her head, she softly said, "No it doesn"t. But I think I need some time. Because even though there was a reason for you to act the way you did, that doesn"t mean it takes away the pain..." She trailed off and coughed over the word before finishing. "I mean, all the feelings. Before that happened I"d decided-"
"What?" I pleaded when she abruptly stopped.
"Doesn"t matter," she muttered while shaking her head. And I knew, I just f.u.c.king knew what she had decided before I became the world"s biggest jacka.s.s. She had wanted to take this further than s.e.x. Something I"d been hoping for since the very beginning.
"I can give you time." I paused as her eyes flashed with temporary relief. "But I won"t give you much."
I wasn"t one for road rage, but apparently my mood was all over the place lately. And as I sat on the 101 stuck in traffic while I casually poked along, all I felt was rage. I wasn"t mad at any one on the road, everyone was moving as fast as they could with a six-car pileup reported several miles down the highway. But as I tightly gripped the steering wheel, I was silently stewing about the situation I found myself in. I was running late and while in the grand scheme of things that wasn"t a big deal, right then, with the acc.u.mulation of not hearing from Naomi in the two days since our talk and me constantly worrying about Ellie, it felt like the biggest deal. Never mind the fact that I hated running late, period.
My eyes were glued to the clock on the center console, like I could will it to move slower. After five minutes pa.s.sed and I"d only moved ten feet, I knew I had to accept I wouldn"t make it. On time or otherwise.
Cursing, I picked up my phone and dialed Ellie.
"Hey, D. Are you almost home?" I could hear the nervousness in her voice.
"Ellie, there"s a huge pileup and I"m stuck in traffic. I"m not gonna be able to make it."
"Oh." How could a single word break my heart? "Okay. I"ll just take the bus. Be careful."
"No," I practically shouted. "You are not taking the bus."
She was quiet for a moment. "I can"t cancel."
"I know. I know. Just gimme a minute." There were many solutions, but only one person came to mind. "Stay put. I"ll call you right back." I hung up without waiting for a response and quickly dialed the next number. She didn"t pick up. And while it was possible she was busy or she hadn"t heard it, I had a feeling she just didn"t want to talk to me yet. Despite that, I called back two more times so she knew it was important. Naomi wasn"t a petty person, she wasn"t holding back to be stubborn this time. She was holding back because she was hurt and scared, even if she couldn"t admit it.
But I knew she was the kind of person who came through for people she cared about.
"Damien, is everything okay?" she asked by way of greeting when she picked up on the first ring of the fourth call.
"I need your help."
Not hesitating for a second, Naomi asked, "What do you need?"
Ellie nervously twisted her hands in her lap. I looked over and offered her a warm smile, hoping to make her more comfortable. She glanced in my direction and gave me a timid nod in return, clearly still stressed.
"Whatever he said is a lie."
"What?" she asked, a little shock to her voice.
"Damien. Whatever he told you about me that"s making you so afraid... it"s a lie." I grinned again in her direction and this time was rewarded with a-small but less insecure-smile. She blushed and turned toward the front again, but was able to shake out her hands and keep them relaxed, resting them against her baby blue bohemian skirt.
"He hasn"t said much of anything. I didn"t even know your name until ten minutes ago." Damien"s sister laughed but I had trouble returning the sentiment. An ache formed in my chest with the knowledge I hadn"t been brought up. Alara and Gabe had met him, h.e.l.l, he even had breakfast with them. I thought back to how I had to sneak out when Ellie was home. It hadn"t felt like a big deal then, but after spending a couple weeks with him, the fact she didn"t even know my name hurt a lot more than it should have. Because honestly, it shouldn"t have hurt at all. We had been sleeping together. The end. And I was mad at him right now, wasn"t I? So why did any of this matter?
It mattered because I was a dumb t.w.a.t who liked Damien, but had been too much of a chickens.h.i.t to admit it.
"I mean I knew something was going on though..." She trailed off and when I quickly glanced at her, the nervousness she"d been wearing returned tenfold. "He"s been so different... really happy and just... I"m sorry." Ellie blew out a breath like she was giving up as her head thumped against the headrest, her black tank top rising with her frustrated exhale. I wished I could mimic her action; I felt just as defeated and confused.
"It"s okay. We"re not... we"re not anything really," I said in an effort to save face and make her feel less bad. She shouldn"t have felt bad. She spoke the truth, and Damien reaffirmed the true nature of our relationship by not telling her anything, it was me who was being stupid and confusing.
But he really sounded sorry the other day...
He had sounded like he wanted more...
Ugh... I HATE being a girl with a stupid girly brain.
"Damien never really talks to me about his personal life. We only talk about how screwed up I am. It wouldn"t be weird for him not to tell me he was dating someone," she finished quietly. I gave her a small nod but otherwise stayed silent. The silence continued until we made it to the address she"d given me when she first got in the car. I moved to unbuckle my seat belt when her voice stopped me.
"What are you doing?"
"Getting out of the car?" I responded slowly.
"Why?"
"Sadly I haven"t mastered the ability of teleportation yet."
She shook her head even as she grinned. "No, I mean... you don"t have to come in with me. Even if Damien-"
"I wouldn"t do something I didn"t want. Especially just because Damien said so. I"m coming in because I want to."
Ellie bit her lip to cover her shy, warm smile. "You"re not someone to argue or mess with, are you?"
"Nope." I finished unbuckling myself before reaching for the handle.
"Good. Damien could use that," she said right before she stepped out of the car.
Ellie and I sat in the waiting room, listening for her name to be called.
"I"m really sorry my brother bothered you today. I could have easily taken the bus."
"Don"t be ridiculous."
"It doesn"t even make sense. I always took the bus before and he didn"t care."
I smiled. "You"re pregnant. It"s his job to worry and protect you. And sometimes that protection will include inane things like forbidding you from riding the bus." She nodded thoughtfully as she stared ahead and twisted her hands in her lap.
"So how far along are you?"
"About sixteen weeks." So... four months. Why did the existence of an embryo automatically change everyone"s perception of time from months to weeks? And then at birth from years to months?
"Hey, do me a favor?"
"Yeah?" she questioned slowly.
"When your little rugrat is born, after he turns one, please just refer to his age in years? I don"t think I"ll be able to be friends with you if you say he"s eighteen months old... he"s a year and a half... that"s honestly all you need to say."
Ellie smiled and rubbed her stomach. "Will do." She paused. "I think he"s a boy, too. Is that crazy?"
"Not at all," I said honestly. "I think one of the biggest problems with society is giving too much credence to doctors. Don"t get me wrong, they are very knowledgeable. It"s not like I"m one of those crazies who hates them, thinks they"re all quacks, and disregards everything they say. But"-I brought my pointer finger up dramatically-"I also don"t think we should disregard what our own bodies tell us. There are tons of things science and medicine can"t explain. You have to balance trusting others with trusting yourself."
"That makes sense." She smiled as she batted her long, blonde hair out of her face. "That sounds like a good general life motto."
"It does, doesn"t it?"
She had just started nodding when her name was called. I stood up with her and for some reason I grabbed her hand.
"Do you want me to go with you?" If the question or my holding her hand was weird, she didn"t say so. In fact, she looked almost touched by the simple gesture.
"No thanks," she said with a squeeze. "But I really appreciate the offer."
"Of course." I smiled at her as she let go and wove through the chairs to meet the nurse. Ellie turned around and waved before disappearing behind the door.
I sat down and pulled out my phone. Worrying my lip, I quickly typed out a message before I could think twice about it.
Me: Everything here is good. Ellie just went in with the nurse.
Damien: Good. Thank you again.
Damien: I"m still stuck in traffic. Hopefully I"ll be home when you drop her off.
I sat there staring at my phone, unsure what to say. A first for me. Apparently today would be a day of many firsts. I never thought I"d be the girl who ignored a boy"s call just because she was hurt, I never thought I"d be irrationally angry over the truth like I was when Ellie told me Damien never mentioned me, and I definitely never thought I"d be rendered speechless because I was worried about saying the wrong thing.
Seriously, this whole being a girl thing... it"s f.u.c.king annoying.
Well, I was done with it. I was just going to tell him the truth. No a.n.a.lyzing what it meant, where it would lead, or what he would think of it.
Who knew four words could be so terrifying?
Me: I hope so, too.
The college bookstore was an evil place. Add that to my general bad mood and I wasn"t a happy camper. I glared at one of the used textbooks on the shelf. Last semester I returned the exact same one and received twenty dollars. Now it was being sold for a hundred and fifteen. And while, yes, that fact alone was annoying, I knew the real reason for my sour mood had more to do with Damien than anything else.
After sending my super brave text message yesterday, I shoved my phone into my purse and ignored it until I dropped his sister off an hour later. Fortunately-or unfortunately, I didn"t really know anymore-he hadn"t been home yet. We exchanged a few more texts before I fell asleep, but nothing concrete came of it.
Now, my phone chimed, pulling me out of my depressing thoughts. I stared down at the words, my lips tipping up into a smile. He wasn"t giving up.
Damien: Time"s up.
Me: ?
Damien: Either you come over to my place after work. Or I"ll show up at your apartment. It"s your choice.
My annoyance easily fell away. It was my choice. Damien knew exactly how to give me control even as he made a command. He was a special guy, and there was no way I could deny it anymore. There was only so far you could run when someone with this much determination was chasing you.
Me: I"d rather make the other decision...
Damien: And what decision would that be?
Me: The position we have make-up s.e.x in Damien: I can a.s.sure you there will definitely be more than one position used tonight...
Me: I don"t doubt it-you"re kind of crazy about me :p But I want the first one Damien: I think that can be arranged.
I felt a huge sigh of relief leave me.
Damien: Oh, and you"re wrong...
Me: *eyebrows raised* Are you sure? I"m rarely wrong Damien: Positive. I"m more than "kind of" crazy about you, sweetheart. Way more than kind of, and I"m done denying it.
My heart was beating so fast I was sure anyone near me could see it through my shirt. He was so confident in his feelings, and I envied the c.r.a.p out of him for it. He didn"t wait for me to respond before another text came through.
Damien: It"s about time you came around.
Me: You made it hard to stay away :) Damien: You"re the one who makes it hard ;) I rolled my eyes and laughed as I thought about how to respond.
"Naomi?" My head whipped up to see Caleb standing beside me. He cleared the surprise out of his voice before continuing. "Hey, how are you?"
It took me a moment to respond as I looked him over from head to toe. "I"m fine. You?"
He looked horrible. His skin was pale and his hair was greasy like he hadn"t washed it-okay, fine. He didn"t look horrible. He looked fine. Scratch that, he looked better, which he confirmed when he said, "Good, I"m really good." And then he smiled. Smiled. A genuine smile like he hadn"t been this happy in years, or maybe ever. And didn"t that just p.i.s.s me the f.u.c.k off.
I had already gone through all the phases of a bad breakup.
I had wanted answers, and I had gotten them. I was inattentive, he didn"t love me anymore, we had grown apart. Blah, blah, blah...
Denial. It was a dream, he didn"t mean it, he was confused. Blah, blah, blah...
Anger. Things were broken, letters were written, and a voodoo may have been set on fire (this stage was a particularly dramatic one).
Bargaining. I"d convince him I could be better. I"d promise to devote four nights a week to him. Blah, blah, blah...
Depression. I"d lost one of my best friends. No one would understand me like he did. Blah, blah, blah...
Acceptance. I hadn"t loved him. We weren"t right for each other. Blah, blah, blah...
I had accepted it, really, I had. But it p.i.s.sed me off that he was standing there smiling at me, looking happier than ever. I was just starting to figure out how to have a normal relationship again, and here he was looking like he"d been happy for months. And suddenly I was right back at anger.
I smirked. "That"s great. How"s Amber?"
His smile quickly morphed into a frown when he registered my mood. Caleb took a step forward. "Naomi, I-" He stopped and placed his hand on my arm. "I"m sorry. I don"t want it to be this way. You"re one of my best friends, I never wanted to hurt you."
I threw his hand off and stuck my finger in his face. "Then you should have broken up with me before you slept with her."
"I know. I didn"t plan any of this and if I could do it over, I would do everything differently. But I mean... come on, you knew it was over, too." He shrugged sheepishly and looked at his shoes. "Everything else just seemed like a formality." He cringed as he said it.