"No, it isn"t really an ultimatum. But how long am I supposed to wait?" I blurted out.
If I was turned when I was thirty, wouldn"t that be good enough? I wondered. But even that seemed like light-years away from now.
He held my hand up, accentuating my finger where I wore his glistening eternity ring. "Doesn"t this mean anything to you? Don"t my actions speak loud enough?"
Alexander was taken aback. He released my hand and slid away from me. "Is that what this is all about, Raven? You waiting to become a vampire? Not about us being together as ourselves?"
"No..." My heart sank. I had gone too far. I didn"t mean to offend Alexander. He had given me a gift that every day reminded me of his feelings toward me. I was foolish to have pressed him. My need to be more like him-to be what I"d always wanted to be-had gotten in the way of our wonderful evening together. Why couldn"t I just stay in the moment and let him enjoy having his sister in town and our privacy together instead of me demanding to be turned? Maybe I already was a vampire in a mortal"s body. I craved Alexander so much I couldn"t bear the thought of us nooug/p> "I"ve waited seventeen years to meet you," he said. "The blood that runs through me isn"t like yours. It is centuries old. You can live without me, Raven. I can"t without you. You always act as if this is torture for you. But it"s also torture for me."
I was struck by his strong reaction. I thought he was in a playful mood and would have just shrugged off my habitual pushiness.
"It"s getting late," he said, rising.
Why did I have to know this minute? Didn"t I have all that I wanted here in Dullsville without spoiling it? I had my whole life ahead of me-but I wanted everything now. I knew I was lucky enough to have Alexander and to have the Crypt, too. But there was always that piece of me that wanted to be a vampire just like I had since I was a child. But what I was asking Alexander to do wasn"t something to be taken lightly. And I was letting my needs and impatience get the best of both of us.
"We should go," he said. "I"ll take you home."
Just like Stormy had felt the night before, I wasn"t ready for our evening to be cut short.
"No," I said. "Let"s stay here."
"I have to check on Stormy."
"But I can stay here while you do that. Or I can come with you."
Alexander wouldn"t be swayed and wasn"t giving in to me, just like he hadn"t given in to his sister. He was ready for the evening to end. He began walking toward the front of the Mansion.
It broke my heart to see him mad at me. We rarely fought. I thought I"d rather not become a vampire than have him angry with me. I didn"t want to lose him altogether.
"Wait, Alexander...."
He headed for the Mercedes parked out front, and I had to run to catch up to his quick pace.
He opened the car door for me but didn"t wait until I got in before he went to the driver"s side.
"I didn"t mean to make you mad," I said, scooting in and closing the door.
"I"m not mad," he said. But clearly he was.
He turned on the engine and headed down the driveway.
I placed my hand on his shoulder, but he didn"t cave in. His mood was like a jagged icicle thrust through my heart.
"You know how I feel about you," I said. "I just want to be like you, that"s all. I should be able to tell you."
Alexander didn"t handle his feelings like Becky and I did. Our every thought and mood flowed like Niagara Falls from our lips. Alexander kept his feelings to himself, and it pained me in ways that I couldn"t express to see him shutting off from me.
I was angry with myself that I"d spoiled the evening, and with him, too, that he"d taken what I"d said the wrong way.
"I don"t want to go home like this," I said when he pulled up in front of my house.
Alexander was too much of a gentleman to let me walk to the door alone. He came around and opened my door. When I didn"t budge from my seat, he glared at me as if he would carry me out.
I exited the car and tried to hide the tear that began to trickle down my cheek as he headed for my door.
"You know I love you-even if I never become a vampire," I said to him when we reached the stoop.
His dark eyes softened as if he felt all the emotion behind my genuine words.
I was hoping for a good-night kiss or anything to show me that our misunderstanding was over. But he headed back down the drive instead.
I sat on the stoop. "I"m not going inside until you make up with me!" I called to him.
But this time my stubbornness didn"t deter him.
He got into the Mercedes and drove down the street while my tears flowed.
I was devastated. What had just happened? Alexander and I were having the dreamiest night together, and I spoiled it by insisting again that he turn me. This time I"d pushed Alexander too far. He was more practical than I was, and that was one of the reasons I was so drawn to him.
I wanted to become a vampire. But I wanted it under the best of terms. Love, pa.s.sion, and a visceral, physical, and spiritual need for each other. I didn"t want to be matched up with someone like he"d been with Luna-or tricked like Sebastian almost was. And I didn"t want the business transaction that Jagger had offered me. I wanted my becoming a vampire to have been thought through, carefully considered with both of our minds, hearts, and souls. If Alexander was impulsive and irrational like I was, then he would be a completely different guy-a different kind of person and vampire. And ultimately, that was not what I wanted. I thought about if I"d met Jagger instead of Alexander-who knows how I"d feel about being a vampire now? My life and eternity would be about tricks, menacing, and deceit. And if I"d been turned by Sebastian, it would have been about living eternity on a whim, noton own the putting down roots but continually moving whenever he felt the need. We"d be slackers, running around from place to place without purpose. And though that seemed like it could be a lot of fun, I was more driven and motivated. I knew what I wanted out of life and out of eternity, and I wanted to share that with someone who knew what they wanted, too. Alexa
nder had his pa.s.sion in all the right places: his art, his family, me. And not only was he smoldering hot, he was just as attractive on the inside. He cared about me, his friends, and our families, and put our needs before his own. If not, wouldn"t he be the kind of vampire who hunted girls and preyed on their flesh? Not the romantic, artistic type I found irresistible.
And asking someone to physically turn me into something that I wasn"t born being wasn"t to be taken lightly. If I"d been the one who had to turn Alexander into a mortal, become someone different from his own family, it would be a huge burden to me. I would do anything to make him happy, like he wanted to do for me, but I understood that it was a difficult decision to make. And if he"d felt any other way about turning me, with all its thrills and complications, then he wouldn"t be my Alexander Sterling.
I realized that not having Alexander at all was far worse than my not becoming a vampire. If I had to live by his side just as I was, that was good enough for me. Any life with Alexander was better than a life without him.
19 Stormy Nights.
The next evening Becky found me in the family room, A still in my pajamas, staring at a fiercely fanged and red-eyed Kiefer Sutherland on the TV with a box of tissues in my lap and clutching my eternity ring.
"She hasn"t been out all day," my dad said to her. "She won"t say what"s wrong, but I have a feeling it has to do with Alexander."
"What happened?" Becky asked, sitting on the couch with me.
"Alexander hates me," I whimpered.
"He does not."
"We got into a fight."
"You two?" she asked, surprised. "I can"t believe it. You never fight."
When I noticed my dad was out of the room, I leaned in to Becky.
"I wanted to see if he"d turn me-" I whispered. "And I pushed him too far."
"Did you make him bite you?" she asked, seriously scared.
"No. But I asked him when he would. And I pressed him too hard."
"Alexander doesnv> < seba="" hit="" seem="" the="" type="" to="" get="">
"He does get angry-but mostly at the Maxwells. Not usually at me."
"Well, maybe he was having a bad day-or night," she corrected.
"I don"t know. I get so impatient. Having Stormy here has been so cool. I see her life like what it would have been for me if I were born a vampire. And with every pa.s.sing day, I feel like I"m missing out on being that person. Only when we had this fight, I realized ... this is who I am. I am a mortal dating a vampire. And if that is all I ever am, then I am still truly blessed. I want Alexander more than I want to be a vampire."
"Does he know that?" she asked.
"Why wouldn"t he?"
"He"s only human..." Becky began. "I mean, I guess he"s not."
We both laughed, though mine was through my pain.
"It has to be so hard to be a vampire," Becky continued. "Now that I know the truth about Alexander, it really got me thinking lately. To be goth is hard enough. But imagine being a vampire. It doesn"t matter where you are-you can"t really be yourself."
"That"s what Alexander says."
"He should know," she said gently. "He"s only protecting you, Raven. I would hope if Matt were in that position, he would want to protect me, too."
"Shouldn"t Alexander be happy that I want to make the change with him?"
"I can"t imagine asking Matt to change me into something I"m not. Anyway, out of all people, I thought you"d want to be yourself."
"But you know I"ve always wanted to be a vampire. Wouldn"t you want to change into something you"ve always wanted to become?"
"Yes."
"I thought I could talk about this with him."
"Maybe when you are together, he doesn"t want to talk," she said coyly. "Maybe he wants to turn you but wishes he didn"t. And when you bring it up it only reminds him of the huge decision he will have to make someday."
"I don"t want it if it"s not with Alexander. Now I blew it. We can"t break up." I wiped away a fresh round of tears. "I"ve lost everything!"
"It"s okay," Becky tried to comfort me. "You aren"t broken up."
"I don"t know. He was really hurt."
"Let"s go to his house. You can talk again, tell him how you feel. I"m sure this will all blow over in a heartbeat."
Becky helped me get myself together and handed me an outfit to wear. We got into her truck, and it felt like an eternity before we pulled up to the Mansion. I imagined our conversation. I"d tell Alexander I was sorry, and he"d refuse to see me anymore or agree that it was a big mistake. I was hoping for the latter. Becky waited in her truck while I jumped out, raced up the Mansion stairs, and pounded on the serpent knocker. The ring Alexander had given me shined in the streetlight. I"d been so foolish to question him. He was a vampire and he needed me way more than I gave him credit for, and, as usual, I had made everything about myself. Now I was tortured, too, for my foolishness.
Jameson finally came to the door.
"Is Alexander home?"
"No, Miss Raven, he went out a few minutes ago."
"Did he say where he was going?"
"No, but he did look like he was in a hurry."
"Who"s there?" I heard Stormy ask.
"It"s Miss Raven." He opened the door wide enough for me to see Stormy at the bottom of the staircase. My makeup and charcoal eyeliner couldn"t hide that I"d been crying.
"What"s wrong?" Stormy asked. She pulled me inside.
"Oh, nothing." I tried to be strong. "Do you know where Alexander is?"
"No. He was in his room all night and wouldn"t talk. Did something happen?"
"We got into a small fight."
She took me by the hand and led me into the parlor room. "Sit down," she said like a lady.
I sat down feeling awful. I didn"t have control over Alexander and how he felt about me-whether I"d really pushed him too far or he just needed time to cool off. The pain of our separation was killing me.
"What happened?" she asked.
I wasn"t sure what to say to his sister. She could change her mind about me and tell Alexander how he was more meant for Luna than he was for me. But I"d gotten to know Stormy so well that I really thought we"d bonded. And I was so distraught, I needed to talk to someone, and there weren"t many people in tny n"his town who I could talk to about the subject of vampire bites.
"I asked him about turning me," I said. "And I think I pushed him too far."
"You should be able to talk to him about anything."
"I thought so, too. But you know Alexander. He likes to be calm and rational. And I get impulsive, moody, and emotional."
"I do, too," she said.
She put her arm around me. "You have to know. It"s because of you that Alexander didn"t go back to Romania. It wasn"t because he was mad at me because I told my parents where he was the night of the covenant ceremony. He stayed because he didn"t want to leave you."
I was comforted by Stormy"s kind words. "Thank you," I said. "But I think I blew it, though. I"m going to have him running home now."