Dug… dug…dug.[1]
No matter how strong your heartbeat is and even if he"s near, if a train pa.s.sed by, He won"t hear it.
Don"t you dare call me torpe [2], I"ve already tried admitting it how many times…
I tried to whisper but he was wearing a headset, hence he didn"t hear it.
I would have given him a letter but the wind cause by the train blew it away.
When I shouted, he was already in the train and the door has already closed and then it was already moving anyway so he didn"t hear it…
Its already been five years since the first time I saw him at the LRT [3]. Back then, he was wearing a uniform from another different school.
We were both commuting to school through train, with his messy black hair all over his face; he was so cute that it isn"t a question why he"s noticeable in the train.
I did not plan to come to him or be close to him, I was already contented by just looking at him from afar.
But…
I accidentaly drop my handkerchief one day, I was in a haste to leave the train because I have to go somewhere before going to school and because of my urgency I didn"t notice I dropped my handkerchief.
For the whole day, I searched the school for my handkerchief, thinking that I lost it at school.
That"s why when it was time to leave, while I was waiting at one of the bench in the platform someone suddenly sat beside me and when I peek to see who that person is, I saw him.
"Miss, I think that this is your handkerchief?" He then took out the handkerchief, "I saw it fall from you when you left the train this morning, I was going to call you but you were already running eh [4]."
I took my handkerchief and with a slightly blushing face, "Ah, thank you."
“Good thing you know that I used this train to go home.”
I was hoping he would notice me every time I use this train in the morning and at the afternoon.
“Ah, no. It just happens that I saw you siting here eh [5], that"s why I gave it to you. Hehe."
Although he didn"t know that I always ride on this train eh [6] I"m still happy, because he didn"t throw my handkerchief and was hoping to see me.
Because of that I fell for him more deeply.
After that incident, we no longer had a chance to talk. I was too shy to approach him but the only thing great about it eh [7], he would greet me or give me a smile and I would reply him with the same gestures.
What can I expect?
We"re not even close.
But the longer the time it gets, the bigger your feeling would grow for a person.
One time, when the train was overcrowded that we were all cramped to one another, I don"t know if you can call it a luck or not but he was right beside me… As in he"s RIGHT BESIDE me with no s.p.a.ce separating us.
"So sorry ah, it"s just so cramped eh [8]." He whispered to me.
I can"t blame him; it"s so cramped that I can"t even move a muscle.
He was sweating from the heat but…
He doesn"t smell sweaty; in fact I can still smell the scent of his perfume.
My heart was beating so loud that with this distance between us, I don"t know if he heard it. But I think he didn"t, because compare to this beating heart the train is much louder…
I was surprised when he caught me red handed, he just smiled at me and because I was too shamed I gave him back a smile too before bending my head a little, I don"t know if he removed his gazed at me after that.
When the train suddenly stops at its first stop and the doors began to open, I almost lost my balance and since one of the doors was just behind me, I almost fell but it"s a good thing that he was able to hold me and pull me back.
"That was close ah; move a little bit here…"
Then he removed his gripped from me and pointed a small safe s.p.a.ce at his back, because a lot of people stepped out, it wasn"t overcrowded as before.
"Ah right, thank you…" I said shyly as I went to that s.p.a.ce.
My heart was beating so hard. Yet after that, there wasn"t any interaction happening between us. It became quiet.
Till he left and waved his hand to say goodbye. After all, between us, he was first to leave.
Then our routine went on each day; we would greet and smile at each other and then after that we wouldn"t talk anymore. It has always been like that.
As days pa.s.sed by, My feelings for him continues to grow.
…That"s why one day, I made up my mind and decided to confess my feelings for him.
"Hi!" He"s here already.
"h.e.l.lo!" I greeted back before bending my head.
At the corner of my eyes, I saw him sitting beside me. With my head lay low, I tried to collect my strength to admit my feelings for him. Clenching my fist and with a whisper that I"m sure whoever beside me can hear, "I like you."
"Ha? Did you say anything?" When I looked at him, I got disappointed because I saw him removing his earphones.
Even if I"m disappointed deep inside, I still gave him a smile, "Ah nothing, I was just talking to myself."
I don"t want to say those words again, because I"m afraid that he won"t hear it.
"Ah Is that so…" He just smiled back at me before putting his earphone back at his ear.
A waste!
I used a lot of effort to say those three words yet it all gone to a waste.
But I don"t want to give up… I don"t like the idea that he wouldn"t know my feelings for him.
I don"t want this feeling of mine to be just hidden within me.
That"s why I decided to make a letter.
A letter containing my feelings for him and how I"ve always secretly look at him every morning and going home at the train.
“Hi!” And here he goes again as he wave his hands.
"H-h.e.l.lo!"
And there I saw my chance to give my letter.
There at his hand is a book, when he sat beside me; he let it rest between him and me. While he was looking away and was listing to the music, I quietly put the note between the pages.
I was so nervous that time…
But I was able to do it, but…
"The train is here!" he said as he began to stand up and grab the book but as soon as he grab it my letter flew away and went deep inside the riles.
He also notice it as he exclaimed, "Oh no the paper went deep inside the rile! I wonder what that paper is? Oh well, it might not be that important it would be better to just ignore it."
Standing up from the bench, with my two eyes, I saw how the letter I put a lot of effort fell at his book and went straight in the riles.
"It"s not important; you don"t need to get it."
He looked at me with wonder but I just ignore him as I went inside the train.
I cried once I got home, I was so disappointed at the fate of my letter. Does fate really doesn"t want him to know my feelings for him?
After that incident, two weeks pa.s.s but I still didn"t see him.
I don"t know why, and not knowing why; a lot of ideas came popping at my mind:
A. He"s now riding a car.
B. He got sick.
C. He was drop out.
D. His cla.s.s schedule change.
E. He doesn"t have any money.
F. He change school.
G. He died.
Then again could someone erase letter G. I don"t like it.
It"s so frustrating eh [9], I don"t even know his name nor do I have anyways to contact him.
Two weeks without any news from him.
Sometimes, I already lose the will to wake up every morning, because he was my motivation to wake up, go to school and ride the train every day. But now his gone.
I miss him.
“Hi! Longtime no see.”
I"m not mistaken, that was his voice. I quickly look at that person to confirm it and saw him with a smile on his lips.
I smiled back before replying, "h.e.l.lo! Yeah your right…"
"I got sick last last week while last week we went camping at a faraway city that"s why I wasn"t able to ride the train."
"I see…" That was the only think I had said but the truth is I was so happy that he talked to me even if we weren"t close. That"s why I couldn"t help thinking that perhaps our interaction every day at the train is not only a part of my life but also a part of his life too.
With that thought, I was able to strengthen myself to admit it one more time.
"Hey!" I shouted getting his attention. I closed my eyes as I let my mouth say what"s in my heart.
"I like you!"
But sadly, as I open my mouth a train pa.s.sed by and with its loud noises my voice was unheard.
"Ha?"
Why is it like that?
"I said the train is there, let"s go."
He didn"t hear what I said!
Why is that, every time I would try to say my feelings, the train would always stop me?
"Ok…"
He was already entering the train; then once inside he stops near the door as he look at me with a question look on his face.
I thought to myself, would I really let the train stop my feelings?
That"s why inhaling deeply, with my hands at each side of my mouth, I shouted, "I LIKE YOU!"
But as I shouted, the door had already closed and the train had already gone off.
I know he didn"t hear me because he had a confused expression all over his face as if asking, "What did you said?"
It hates it.
It dislikes it.
I am truly right.
The train is against my feeling and that"s why after that I didn"t try to admit it anymore.
But I regret it. I regret that decision not to admit it up until now.
It was March that time… I was in the train and like the old times, he was there.
I thought that it would just be another ordinary day, but it wasn"t, it didn"t go accordingly.
The thing I didn"t expect the most in my life happened.
The train was already in the subway when suddenly the train began to strongly shake and then it began to suddenly stop with a very strong impact hence all of us weren"t able to keep our balance and fell at the floor.
Since the tremor before was strong it was able to broke down the windows causing some to be wounded by the broken gla.s.s.
It was so scary; there were a lot of blood, wounds. And I think some have died already. My body hair began to rise up.
But I search the train to find that person. And there was he…
"I-it hurts."
I didn"t know what to do, I saw how damage his body was that’s why I began to panic.
"I-I wo-would probably di-die."
I didn"t know when but tears where already at my eyes as I shouted, "What are you saying? Don"t be like that! I would find some help, don"t die!"
I was about to stand up to find some help when suddenly he grabbed my hand, I even felt his blood at my skin, "Stay here…"
Then he took something from his pocket and gave it to me, "I hope you"ll read it… I had wanted to give this to you for a long time…"
"Aray [10]!"
"Where does it hurt? What can I help?" I asks hurriedly.
"I hope you"ll read it…" then he closed his eyes. I was so afraid, afraid why he suddenly close his eyes that"s why I weakly tap his shoulder.
"Hey! Don"t close your eyes!" But it didn"t open; I grip his shoulder firmly as I shake him, "Uy [11]! Open your eyes, don"t you dare sleep!"
"Can you open your eyes oh…? Do you know that I love you? I love you. I love you. I love you."
But he didn"t open his eyes… He never did.
"Don"t be like that! Who would great me every time I"ll ride the train? Do you know, I wasn"t actually waiting for the train… I was actually waiting for you… "
[Dear Train Girl,
I"m sorry if I call you Train Girl ah, up till now I still don"t know your name eh [12]. You see, I don"t have the strength to even just ask your name. "Hi" and "h.e.l.lo" are the only things I was able to do. I"m so torpe [13] eh[14].
I"ve also tried to confess my feeling for you for how many times but it always fails, one time I wanted to put a letter at your bag when the train was cramped. But when the train started, someone accidentally push my hand, hence it went to another bag.
But you know, since the beginning I was already looking at you, you were so cute eh [15].
I was even happy when you drop your handkerchief, because of that I got a chance for you to notice me. I saw you sitting at that bench, I went to you and act natural but it was frustrating that was my chance and yet I wasn"t even able to ask your name.
Every time we would sit at the bench and would wait for the train, I would wear my earphone and I would listen to that music that would go exactly as how I feel for you. Those times you heard me singing, all of those are dedicated for you from my torpe [17] heart.
That time I was missing for two weeks because I got sick and because of the camping. There I realize how much I want to see you, that I missed you so much.
Sometimes, while we were at the train and we were sitting beside each other, I told you my feelings while I was looking at the ceiling because I was afraid but I stop when I felt that your head fall at my shoulder -you always sleep every time I"ll confess.
I had gotten used to seeing you every day and greeting you. That I"ll just hear your h.e.l.lo and see your smile, my day would already be complete. That"s why I decided to write you write a letter again but this time I"ll make sure I"ll give it to you when we see each other at the bench.
Because you see, I think I love you and I would like to know you more. I hope that after you read this, you would still smile at me tomorrow and you"ll still say h.e.l.lo to me. I hope our routine would continue on, I"m happy with this.
Okay. Let just see each other tomorrow.