I didn"t know that I could face that, either.
I wished I could sleep properly, and get some peace.
When Wednesday came I thought of Newmarket and of all the brave hopes for the Guineas.
Thought of George Caspar, taking Tri-Nitro to the test, producing him proudly in peak condition and swearing to himself that this time nothing could go wrong. Thought of Rosemary, jangling with nerves, willing the horse to win and knowing it wouldn"t. Thought of Trevor Deansgate, unsuspected, moving like a mole to vandalise, somehow, the best colt in the kingdom.
I could have stopped him, if I"d tried. Wednesday for me was the worst day of all, the day I learned about despair and desolation and guilt.
On the sixth day, Thursday morning, I went down to the lobby and bought an English newspaper.
They had run the Two Thousand Guineas, as scheduled. Tri-Nitro had started hot favourite at even money: and he had finished last.
I paid my bill and went to the airport. There were aeroplanes to everywhere, to escape in. The urge to escape was very strong. But wherever one went, one took oneself along. From oneself there was no escape. Wherever I went, in the end I would have to go back.
If I went back in my split-apart state I"d have to live all the time on two levels. I"d have to behave in the old way, which everyone would expect. Have to think and drive and talk and get on with life. Going back meant all that. It also meant doing all that, and proving to myself that I could do it, when I wasn"t the same inside.
I thought that what I had lost might be worse than a hand. For a hand there were subst.i.tutes which could grip and look pa.s.sable. But if the core of oneself had crumbled, how could one manage at all?
If I went back, I would have to try.
If I couldn"t try, why go back?
It took me a long, lonely time to buy a ticket to Heathrow.
I landed at midday, made a brief telephone call to the Cavendish, to ask them to apologise to the Admiral because I couldn"t keep our date, and took a taxi home.
Everything, in the lobby, on the stairs, and along the landing looking the same and yet completely different. It was I who was different. I put the key in the lock and turned it, and went into the flat.
I had expected it to be empty but before I"d even shut the door I heard a rustle in the sitting room, and then Chico"s voice. "Is that you, Admiral?" I simply didn"t answer. In a brief moment his head appeared, questioning, and after that, his whole self. "About time too," he said. He looked, on the whole, relieved to see me.
"I sent you a telegram."
"Oh sure. I"ve got it here, propped on the shelf. Leave Newmarket and go home stop shall be away for a few days will telephone. What sort of telegram"s that? Sent from Heathrow, early Friday. You been on holiday?"
"Yeah."
I walked past him, into the sitting room. In there, it didn"t look at all the same. There were files and papers everywhere, on every surface, with coffee-marked cups and saucers holding them down.
"You went away without the charger," Chico said. "You never do that, even overnight. The spare batteries are all here. You haven"t been able to move that hand for six days."
"Let"s have some coffee." "You didn"t take any clothes, or your razor."
"I stayed in a hotel. They had throwaway razors, if you asked. What"s all this mess?"
"The polish letters."
"What?"
"You know. The polish letters. Your wife"s spot of trouble."
"Oh...
I stared at it blankly.
"Look," Chico said. "Cheese on toast? I"m starving."
"That would be nice."
It was unreal. It was all unreal. He went into the kitchen and started banging about. I took the dead battery out of my arm and put in a charged one. The fingers opened and closed, like old times. I had missed them more than I would have imagined.
Chico brought the cheese on toast. He ate his, and I looked at mine. I"d better eat it, I thought, and didn"t have the energy. There was the sound of the door of the flat being opened with a key, and after that, my father-in-law"s voice from the hall.
"He didn"t turn up at the Cavendish, but he did at least leave a message." He came into the room from behind where I sat and saw Chico nodding his head my direction.
"He"s back," Chico said.
"The boy himself."
"Hallo, Charles," I said.
He took a long slow look. Very controlled, very civilised. "We have, you know, been worried." It was a reproach.
"I"m sorry."
"Where have you been?" he said.
I found I couldn"t tell him. If I told him where, I would have to tell him why, and I shrank from why. I just didn"t say anything at all.
Chico gave him a cheerful grin. "Sid"s got a bad attack of the brick walls." He looked at his watch. "Seeing that you"re here, Admiral, I might as well get along and teach the little bleeders at the Comprehensive how to throw their grannies over their shoulders. And, Sid, before I go, there"s about fifty messages on the "phone pad. There"s two new insurance investigations waiting to be done, and a guard job. Lucas Wainwright wants you, he"s rung four times. And Rosemary Caspar has been screeching fit to blast the eardrums. It"s all there, written down. See you, then. I"ll come back here later."
I almost asked him not to, but he"d gone.
"You"ve lost weight," Charles said.
It wasn"t surprising. I looked again at the toasted cheese and decided that coming back also had to include things like eating.
"Want some?" I said.
He eyed the congealing square.
"No thank you."
Nor did I. I pushed it away. Sat and stared into s.p.a.ce. "What"s happened to you?" he said.
"Nothing."
"Last week you came into the Cavendish like a spring," he said. "Bursting with life. Eyes actually sparkling. And now look at you."