You Should Worry Says John Henry.
by George V. Hobart.
CHAPTER I
YOU SHOULD WORRY ABOUT A TANGO LESSON
The idea originated with Bunch Jefferson. You can always count on Bunch having a few freak ideas in the belfry where he keeps his b.u.t.terflies.
Bunch and his wife, Alice, live out in Westchester County, about half a mile from Uncle Peter"s bungalow, where friend wife and I are spending the winter.
The fact that Uncle Peter and Aunt Martha had decided to give us a party was the inspiration for Bunch"s brilliant idea.
"Listen, John," he Macchiavellied; "not one of this push out here knows a thing about the Tango. Most of them have a foolish idea that it"s a wicked inst.i.tution invented by the devil, who sold his patent rights to the Evil-Doers" a.s.sociation. Now, I"ll tell you what we"ll do, John: we"ll put them wise. We"ll take about two lessons from a good instructor in town and on the night of the party we"ll make the hit of our lives teaching them all to Tango--are you James to the possibilities?"
"It listens like a good spiel," I agreed; "but will a couple of lessons be enough for us?"
"Sure," he came back; "we"re not a couple of Patsys with the pumps! We can learn enough in two lessons to make good in this b.o.o.b community.
Why, we"ll start a Tango craze out here that will put life and ginger in the whole outfit and presently they"ll be putting up statues in our honor."
Well, to make a long story lose its cunning, we made arrangements next day with Ikey Schwartz, Dancing Instructor, to explain the mysteries of this modern home-wrecking proposition known as the Tango, and paid him in advance the sum of $100.
It seemed to me that a hundred iron men in advance was a nifty little price for two lessons, but Bunch a.s.sured me the price was reasonable on account of the prevalence of rich scholars willing to divide their patrimony with anybody who could teach their feet to behave in time to the music.
We made an appointment to meet Ikey at his "studio" for our first lesson the following afternoon. Then we hiked for home on the 4.14, well pleased with our investment and its promise of golden returns.
That night Bunch and Alice were over to our place for dinner. After dinner Bunch and I sat down by the log fire in the Dutch room, filled our faces with Havana panatellas, and proceeded to enjoy life in silence.
Into the next room came Alice and Peaches and sat down for their usual cackle.
Bunch and I started from our reveries when we heard Alice say to Peaches, "You don"t know what a source of comfort it has been to me to realize that Bunch doesn"t know a blessed thing about the Tango or any of those hatefully intimate new dances!"
"The same with me, Alice," friend wife chirped in. "I believe if John were to suddenly display the ability to dance the Tango I"d be broken-hearted. Naturally, I"d know that he must have learned it with a wicked companion in some lawless cabaret. And if he frequented cabarets without my knowledge--oh, Alice, what _would_ I do?"
I looked at Bunch, he looked at me, and then we both looked out the window.
"For my part," Alice went on, "I trust Bunch so implicitly that I don"t even question his motive when he telephones me he has to take dinner in town with a prospective real estate customer."
"And I know enough of human nature," Peaches gurgled, "to be sure that if either one of them could Tango he would be crazy to show off at home.
I think we"re very lucky, both of us, to have such steady-going husbands, don"t you, Alice?"
At this point Aunt Martha buzzed into the other room and the cackle took on another complexion.
In the meantime Bunch and I had pa.s.sed away.
"It"s cold turkey," I whispered.
"I"ve been in the refrigerator for ten minutes and I"m chilled to the bone," Bunch whispered back.
"Can we get our coin away from Ikey?" I asked.
"We can try," Bunch sneezed.
The next afternoon we had Ikey Schwartz for luncheon with us at the St.
As...o...b..lt. The idea being to dazzle him and get a few of the iron men back.
"Leave everything to me," Bunch growled as we shaved our hats and Indian-filed to a trough.
"A quart of Happysuds," Bunch ordered. "How about it, Ikey?"
Ikey flashed a grin and tried to swallow his palate, so it wouldn"t interfere with the wet spell suggested by Bunch.
Ikey belonged to the "dis, dose and dem" push.
Every long sentence he uttered was full of splintered grammar.
Every time Ikey opened his word-chest the King"s English screamed for help, and literature got a kick in the slats.
He was short and thin, but it was a deceptive thinness. His capacity for storing away free liquids was awe-inspiring and a sin.
I think Ikey must have been hollow from the neck to the ankles, with emergency bulkheads in both feet.
His nose was shaped like a quarter to six o"clock. It began in the middle and rushed both ways as hard as it could. One end of it ducked into his forehead and never did come out.
His interior was sponge-lined, and when the bartenders began to send them in fast, Ikey would lower an asbestos curtain to keep the fumes away from his brain.
n.o.body ever saw Ikey at high tide.
There was surely something wrong with Ikey"s switchboard, because he could wrap his system around more Indian laughing-juice without getting lit up than any other man in the world.
But Ikey was the compliments of the season, all right, all right.
Ikey had spent most of his life being a Bookmaker, and when the racing game went out of fashion he sat down and tried to think what else he could do. Nothing occurred to him until one day he discovered that he could push his feet around in time to music, so he became a dancing instructor and could clean up $1,000 per day if the bartenders didn"t beckon too hard.
The luncheon had been ordered and Bunch was just about to switch the conversation around to the subject of rebates when suddenly his eyes took on the appearance of saucers, and tapping me on the arm he gasped, "Look!"
I looked, and beheld Peaches, Alice and Aunt Martha sailing over in our direction.
With a whispered admonition to Bunch to keep Ikey still, I went forward to meet friend wife, her aunt and Alice.
They were as much surprised as I was.
"It was such a delightful day that Aunt Martha couldn"t resist the temptation to do a little shopping," Peaches rattled on; "and then we decided to come here for a bit of luncheon--h.e.l.lo, Bunch! I"m _so_ glad to see you! John, hadn"t we better take another table so that your friendly conference may not be interrupted?"
I hastened to a.s.sure Peaches that it wasn"t a conference at all. We had met Mr. Schwartz quite by accident. Then I introduced Ikey to the ladies.
He got up and did something that was supposed to be a bow, but you couldn"t tell whether he was tying his shoe or coming down a stepladder.